04/20/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yes, you can play better defense than someone who has a bigger contract, you dummies.

What’s all this I’m hearing about a War on THE15?

Hope you bet on a Kenyan winning.

Run the ‘score more goals than the opposing squadron’ play, Revs.

People who don’t think Smart was DPOY-worthy also think Mac Jones has hit his ceiling, and for the same reason.

Is Chebet like Smith?

Get well soon Bruins players.

Is Jamos deploy in Donbas fight denazify Ukraine, same as trade Hayward. No time watch games, but biggest Celtics East Euro moment since 1988 Royal Cheese preseason tournament, John Most no pronounce Dražen Petrović vroom vroom weeee crash Hahaa I boil boot make soup. Is Jamos.

Cakes are cooking for John Carney, Raymond van Barneveld, Grant Smith, Carmen Elektra, Lenka Němečková, and Lisa Ervin.

Hey Big Starr, can you tell me where do they serve meat sandwiches at Fenway Park?

I miss having the box scores in the newspapers. Has any pitcher won two games yet? See, if all the box scores were in the paper, I would know that. But when you have to look up box scores on the internet, you miss some stuff.

Sorry Charlie Day was scheduled for April 6th, but was celebrated locally on April 19th.

Effective immediately, wearing a mask on the T is now optional except for on The RIDE. The MBTA continues to follow @CDCgov guidelines in encouraging people to wear face masks on public transit. Please respect your fellow passengers’ decisions.

Iowa St LB Jake Hummel is visiting the #Bears today after visiting the #Vikings last week. He’s been busy with meetings & workouts since a Pro Day where his 4.50 forty would have ranked 4th among LBs, his 6.85 3-cone would have ranked 1st, and his 4.28 20-yd shuttle ranked 2nd.

Catching up on news I missed during my depressive episode and I’ve learned that Liz Sheridan died. She’s best known as Jerry’s mom on “Seinfeld” but I will always remember her as the delightfully-named Mrs. Ochmonek on “ALF.” R.I.P.

Zebra Cakes for breakfast…#Owning

I refuse to believe @katienolan is a poor broadcaster, doesn’t know baseball, etc. She does. I’m *convinced* some Apple TV bigwigs told her in private like “our producers/male viewers cannot handle a hyper competent, young, attractive, hilarious woman in MLB media so tank this”.

O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap! O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap!

Not trying to be mean, but it feels like MLB umpires should need to be able to pass some sort of physical fitness test.

Hey gang of amateur particle physicists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Find proton both sides vibe.”

Fenway Park has announced expanded Vegetarian options this season, with peanuts now available at the following locations: Home Plate Deck – Fifth Floor – Big Concourse – Home Plate Concourse – Coca Cola Deck – 3rd Base Concourse – Twins ’47 Third Base Deck – Pavilion Level – 1st Base Concourse – Jersey Street – Right Field Roof Deck

Oh yes, I would be remiss if I did not congratulate Peres Jepchirchir on her Boston Marathon win.

UBurger is down to one location on the edge of downtown Andover near Phillips Acadamy. The burger boom has gone bust.

Kate Beckinsale Posted A Sexy Snap Wearing Fishnets, And I Can’t Stop Staring At Her Sculpted Legs

I’m much wiser now
A lifetime of memories run through my head
They taught me how
For better or worse
Alive or dead
I realize there’s no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track

Losing the mask mandate was a good start, but now howabout taking down the extra protective netting past the dugouts at Fenway?

Charge more for hoops tix, UConn.

Honk if you remember emergency call boxes on highways.

Add April Graupel (Jerimoth Hill Community College – Track Team) to my great sports names file.

I can probably name more DPOY’s than PMOY’s.

Pro Tip: the voluntary workouts are actually kinda mandatory, N’Keal.

All you biologists sure told Catherine Varitek! LOL. ROTFL.

A Patriots Hall of Fame red jacket probably coordinates well with Vince Wilfork’s jort bib overalls. Probably.

BetQL wants to pay Lucy more, but worries that she will spend the money on food.

Shouldn’t have fucked with The Logo, McKay.

Say hello to your AL East leading Boston Red Sox.

Moist nut butters!

Best bet for the weekend: good seats being available at The Trop.

The swan boats? Guess what? They’re back. Can spring weather be far behind?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. (Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)

And HBD to Miranda Kerr, who apparently has a Fall birthday in her native Australia.

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