Touts on Louts, Part One

Here’s what our in-the-know sources say about the 2022 March Sadness field:

From ‘Señor Carlos’:

Region N:

Greg Bedard (1) vs Jon Wallach (16) Almost a coach, almost hired in Vegas, almost making payroll for his website employees. Wallach is terrible, but no chance of an almost an upset here. Or any chance of an upset. Bedard moves on.

Andrew Callahan (8) vs Marshall Hook (9) Who are these people? When in doubt, pick the higher seed. I guess.

Scott Zolak (5) vs Steve Buckley (12) This is a tough choice. Zo has ruined many great Patriots moments calling the games. Buckley has been a low key hot taker and agenda carrying mediot for decades. Tough choice here, but I got to go with Buck Shot getting the victory. Say tough more.

Trenni Kusnierek (4) vs Phil Perry (13) Perry? Never heard of him. I know Trenni is terrible. She moves on.

Marc Bertrand (6) vs Rob Bradford (11) As terrible as Bradford is, Bertrand used to push back against Felger with his hot takes when he was the third guy on that show. When he got his own show he became a hot taker on Felger’s level. I know, say show more. Marc the 5th Diabeatle advances.

.Adam Jones (3) vs Dan Roche (14) The 100% fraud in Jones vs the 100% real in Roche. Roche upsets Jones. 2nd year in the row Jones loses in the 1st round as a higher seed. Maybe shut down and retool? Or maybe have a cheeseburger or three?

Tom E Curran (7) vs Peter Abraham (10) As we mentioned before about Bertrand pushing back against hot takes, Curran did it more and better for years. At some point, Curran went to the dark side. He has three kids college age, so maybe he was offered more money to go that route? Point is, he knew better but still did it anyway. Curran moves on here, and has a good chance to make the round of16.

Andy Gresh (2) vs John Karalis (15) Hand in the dirt vs ears in the air? I expect Gresh to move on.

‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’:

Region C:

Mike Felger (1) vs Steve Happas (16) The undisputed king of the sportz media airwaves pitted against some guy named Steve. The most lopsided opening round matchup since Dave Egan took on Upton Bell back in 1952. Happas isn’t even the most relevant Dakota in this tournament. Round 1 goes to Felger in a rout.

Mike Giardi (8) vs Brian Scalabrine (9) Scal made most of his waves while commenting on Covid-19 vaccines. Now that he’s at the NFL Network, Mike Giardi is more interested in surfing than making waves. Not being a worthy successor to Tommy Heinsohn isn’t a big enough to beat out one of NBCSN’s original Mean Girls. Giardi moves on to Round 2.

Andy Hart (5) vs Jared Carrabis (12) We’ve entered the body dysmorphia portion of the bracket. Inch for inch, Andy Hart may be the dumbest person in this Region. Carrabis has hitched his wagon to a dying sport, dumb but not dumber than Dumbo. Hart slips through.

Lou Merloni (4) vs Matt Fairburn (13) There was once bidding war for Lou Merloni’s services between the two radio stations. Now Lou doesn’t even have a show. Wait, I’m being told he does have a show, it’s just that no one listens to it. Fairburn came to Boston from his beloved Buffalo to cover the Patriots for the Athletic (which I’ve never read). Stalin would have been proud of the way Fairburn scrubbed his Twitter history. Since then he’s been pretty quiet. Merloni advances.

Fitzy (6) vs Chris Mannix (11) It’s rare to have such a mismatch with a 6 vs an 11. “Thanks Dad” Chris Mannix did his best work in the late 90’s while working in the Celtics locker room, but his nothing more than a minor irritation today. Faux Fitzy on the other hand should be jailed for his cultural appropriation and crimes against humanity (aka his “comedy”). The Greek from New York walks to Round 2.

Jim Murray (3) vs Chris Curtis (14) To think I once enjoyed listening to Big Jim as he spun Dinosaur Junior records on my commute home. The moist(sic) interesting thing about Chris Curtis is promoting some obscure gambling app when she’s not crying. Big Jim may have lost his afternoon DJ slot to Adam 12 back in 2010 but he’s not losing to a poor little rich girl’s Jim Halpert. Large Gymnasium move on.

Rich Shertenlieb (7) vs Mark Dondero (10) My initial reaction to this match up was, ‘who the hell is Rich Shertenlieb?’ Dondero is the biggest wannabe nobody in the market, but better a wannabe than a who the hell. The human embodiment of an epileptic seizure takes this one in for our first upset.

Tony Mazz (2) vs Jason Mastrodonato (15) The luckiest man on the planet, with a face for radio and a voice for print, dominates an unsuspecting, and heretofore unknown Red Sox columnist to close out the first round of Region C. Sone advice for Jason, shorten your last name to “Mass” and repeatedly hit yourself in the nuts with a hammer until your voice goes up six octaves, otherwise you’ll never make it in this market.

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