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8/28/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 28, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Unconventional, but effective.* *I guess.*

I hope everyone on the newly minted Patriots 53-man roster creates some SMART goals so we can track their progress during the season.

Hit that shtick-pilfering hussy with your wallet, Lucy!

Is it me, or was there less local media celebrating going on after Cutdown Day arrived so soon after WEEI axed Fauria and Gresh?

I don’t think the Red Sox are gonna make the playoffs.

Well, at least we can continue to read all of Meghan Ottolini’s columns!

I think Dave O’Brien just said ‘excape.’

Who confuses Hanson and Chumbawumba?

Welcome back, teachers.

Cakes are cooking for Lou Piniella, Ron Guidry, Daniel Stern, Rick Rossovich, Scott Hamilton, Emma Samms, Jennifer Coolidge, Rick Fehr, Lee Janzen, Satoshi Tajiri, Tom Fitzgerald, Jack Black, Pierre Turgeon, Janet Evans, Todd Eldredge, Jay Witasick, LeAnn Rimes, Armie Hammer, Florence Welch, and Ons Jabeur.

So, the Sox clam broadcast the other night? Perfect timing as the team was gushing blood everywhere.

Orange Line Reminder: Between 10 AM and 2 PM all Orange Line service between Forest Hills and Jackson Square will operate on the Oak Grove (Northbound) track. Riders should expect delays between 9 AM and 4 PM as personnel conduct this single track operation.

Hey gang of dubious eventual sexagenarians! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s not that complicated to figure out.”

Joe Milton III could have played on those 2014-2015 Royals teams where everyone threw 101.

“Suck on” violations aren’t a thing.

Most, if not all, aspiring rappers never achieve the complete life turnaround. Kudos to Chyna Whyte, or whoever.

Any of them starting left tackles get waived yet? Not yet? How about now?

Gresh has a very interesting quirk in his contract. Instead of the standard non-compete, they gave him a ‘please sign with the competitor’ clause.

Wanamatonomy was the hardest class I took in college, much more difficult than Neuroanatomy.

Bots write SI articles. You’re thanking a computer, Donny O!

Liking werewolf tweets isn’t a funny troll anymore. It’s providing Aid and Comfort to the Enemy.

Incredible but true! Ted Williams never once in his entire career had a timer violation called against him.

Best job in the industry is the guy who does all the imaging for the new shows that WEEI throws out there. Guaranteed jackpot of work every few months.

Introduce me to that big blonde.
She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld.
She’s wearing Ambush and a French twist;
She’s got us wild and she can tell.
She loves to limbo, that much is clear;
She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.

Wait Cheryl Hines is married to RFK Jr.? How did I miss this?

Roster cutdown reminder number 7 – Players on the team 4PM September 3rd get paid for Week 1. Making the initial roster on August 27th does not mean the player will get paid for Week 1.

Lou Damn Merloni fucking tries to retcon himself onto the ‘04 team.

Sid Vicious the wrestler won’t be down. Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols? Also still dead. Wrestling Sid staying in character during the Shockmaster’s debut may be one of wrestling’s greatest achievements. RIP.

Angel Reese and Shaquille O’Neal. Like equals!

They discontinued my TGel? Just because of some alleged dioxins?

So the one thing I do miss about pre-parenthood life is going to dinner by myself Finding a well-researched Wikipedia article and just diving in while waiting for and consuming my food. Great times in the back booth reading about Stalingrad, or Dan Sickles.

Jarren Duran now has 42 doubles, 13 triples, 20 HR and 32 stolen bases. No other player in the history of baseball has done all of those things in one season.

Taxachusetts! Belichick: He’s just like one of us!

Next month marks one year since WWE signed Jade Cargill.

Honk if you remember Cla Meredith.

In the falls of justice, the only justice is in the falls. Sandy, can we get that on a magnet?

WEEI is paying Andy Hart in Lucky Charms.

Shouldn’t losing a baseball announcer be an error rather than a fumble?

Sign The Swayman!

World Health Organization reporting Zappe Fever has been eradicated.

Best bet for the weekend: the heaviest travel weekend yet.

*What’s wrong with Ordillo thanking the SI writer Bots?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friends jforb and Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Dog days are over.

*And happy birthday to Canadian singer Shania Twain.*

8/21/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 21, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Did Mayor Wu ever get that meeting with Jarren Duran?

Crazy that Andy Hart’s kid is pulling in his dad’s biweekly salary in a single weekend.

Happy Hour’s overdue return to the Commonweath shot down yet again? Another W for the Puritans.

A certain percentage of fans are going to treat WAR as a reliable estimate of a player’s value, no matter how obvious it is that it is wrong.

Adam 12, Deathcat Holley. Deathcat Holley, Adam 12.

The International Olympic Committee wants Jordan’s Chiles bronze medal back? Molṑn labé.

Veronica Burton…TD Garden, ten minutes court time, two rebounds, one assist. Zero points on 0 for 4 shooting…your thoughts?

I’m going to give Bedard the benefit of the doubt. It’s clear he meant to say, “Nip Cage is a goof.”

Cakes are cooking for Archie Griffin, Kim Cattrall, Kim Sledge, Jim McMahon, Carrie-Anne Moss, Josee Chouinard, Craig Counsell, Alicia Witt, Jason Marquis, Kelis Rogers-Jones, BJ Upton, Eve Torres, Laura Haddock, Usain Bolt, Kacey Musgraves, Hayden Panettiere, and Bo Burnham.

Love the idea that talking gambling while bouncing your your titties is some sort of intellectual property that needs protecting.

Hey gang of deck chair rearrangers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I don’t need to know anything about the radio losers’ lifestyles.”

I’m sure Bloomberg’s AM signal is already one of the 14 stations beating Jones and MegO, but will they really have more listeners than good old American rock n roll?

‘Keep off the moors and stick to the roads’ was the best advice I ever got in life.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Angel Reese has officially signed a sponsorship deal with Reese’s. Her first “Reese’s Pieces” apparel collection launches today.

Mayo’s “I have impostor syndrome” article from 2021 is a “boy did I outkick my coverage, hahaha!” humblebrag.

A “blend of lifestyle entertainment?” That should give Joansie the ratings he got at The Sports Hub with F&M as his lead-in.

I don’t care how many times you email me about it, I do not want two free weeks of Uber One.

If I’m Michelle Wu, I’m demanding a sit-down with Eliot Wolf right now.

Just saw a Dairy Queen commercial where they’re eating the Blizzards at home. Unless you live right next to the DQ this is a bad idea they melt fast in transit.

A fan with very poor sense of humor yelled “You need a tennis racket” with Duran at the plate Friday. Comedic value? 0 out of 10.

Fun Fact: Everett is not in Boston.

Spencer Torkelson would be a great name for a Professor of Paleontology. That is all.

Lifestyle and entertainment? What’s Keefe gonna do, talk about his Funko Pop collection?

Naming a cat Dr. Doom is great. But it’s especially great when the vet tech announces “Dr. Doom?” in a waiting room.

I only do my banking at Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg Bank.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
No, not just for some, but for everyone.

Lord, we don’t need another meadow.
There are cornfields and wheat fields
Enough to grow.
There are sunbeams and moonbeams
Enough to shine.
Oh listen Lord, if you want to know.

Frogger is an interesting game because at the highest level of play it’s possible to reach a board that’s not solvable, ending your game. It’s not a true kill screen, however, because with proper strategy that scenario can be avoided.

Two deep throws so far, two completions from Jordan Love to Romeo Doubs. The connection is real and has the potential to be spectacular.

Pochettino? Sounds delicious! Is it something a gaucho chuckwagon makes?

Honk if you remember Rick & Paul Reuschel becoming the first brothers to pitch a combined shut out.

The Pope doesn’t even have a rain gauge in the Vatican FFS.

I know more than a few people who would consider a standard big watermelon to be ‘personal sized.’

Golf swings and fantasy zings: Steve is a pop culture poster!

Oh sure, MegO, she’s obviously the problem. The least-smarmy of the three hosts.

The right Jennifer is out there for you Ben Affleck! Probably.

Maybe making someone other than a sullen, unpatriotic, cigar store Indian-looking player the face of the WNBA was a good thing.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox hang tough.

*Shu’s angry TikTok thumbnails all look like the last thing Tony Mazz sees before someone steals his car.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gresh? Fauria?

*And happy birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Muchová.*

8/14/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 14, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Not Simone. Not the gravity-defying surfer. She is the image of the Paris Games*. *And a no doubt about it Halloween costume.*

Phew. Recovered from a massive DDOS attack.

So apparently the way to make Zolak finally shut the hell up is to make him the PBP guy.

My dad used to bring me to golf tournaments all the time when I was young. I’d chase conversations and autographs from players after practice rounds. Chi Chi Rodriguez was always among the nicest. I’ll always appreciate his role in those memories as I grew to love the game.

Would love it if Peacock/NBC created a 10- or 12-hour (even longer if necessary) rental or purchase of these past two weeks. Would love the opportunity to rewatch most of it on a cold New England winter night. Almost like a 8-part series even. Any format would be great. A best-of-the-Summer-Olympics movie to watch on a winter night.

Whoever first told Thornton he was funny has a lot to answer for.

Burger King’s croissan’wich is more French than France’s Men’s National Basketball Team.

The Aussies fair dinkum sent a kookaburra to an emu fight, mates!

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Juju Smith Schuster.

Oh good. The Jimmy Fund cross promotion. Now the Sox game is going to be dominated by dying kids and Dave O’Brien trying to fake empathy. “Hey, how bad was it to hear you had cancer as a teenager? And you said you had 4 different rounds of chemo before you were 12. I’ll bet that was rough.”

Cakes are cooking for Steve Martin, Susan Saint James, Terry Adams, Bob Backlund, Gary Larson, Debbie Meyer, Rusry Wallace, Jackée Harry, Magic Johnson, Frank Brickowski, Marcia Gay Harden, Mark Gubicza, Catherine Bell, Mark Loretta, Wayne Chrebet, Ana Matronic, Mike Vrabel, Juan Pierre, Mila Kunis, Tim Tebow, and Thorsten Margis.

Not happy the way that NASCAR race ended. Real amateur hour stuff.

Red Line Reminder: August 19-25 Shuttle Buses replace service between Kendall and JFK/UMass due to track work. Buses will not directly service Park Street or Downtown Crossing.

Hi @99Restaurants why do you advertise prime rib but then state it as being choice prime rib? It’s either one or the other.

Haliburton is gonna average 70 a game against Golden State next year.

Which is a better animal story—Kristi Noem’s dead dog or RFK Jr’s dead bear?

“North Star” is the new trendy business buzzword for people who talk but don’t actually do anything. I’ve been seeing it used a bunch, so it totally makes sense these dipshits in Foxboro followed along with it.

I ordered up a Mykhailiuk jersey the other day. Fuck.

Twain said that a cat who sits on a hot stove lid will never sit on a hot stove lid again–or a cold one, either. I imagine that quote doesn’t register with anybody under 60, because nobody uses wood stoves with little round lids you took off to put in another stick of firewood. In my childhood that was how we heated the house. But anyway, I always think that Alex Cora is more afraid of cold stove lids than. . .than he ought to be.

Not sure if it’s because they know bread or because Italy is down the street but pizza in France is sneaky good.

You gotta wait at least a month after a gay guy’s death to call someone a fag. Everybody know this.

My favorite Gabby Starr moment was when she tweeted about the Negro Leagues with a photo of her getting a tan. She deleted it soon after.

Can the whites claim Curry? It’s close. How many Blacks go by ‘Steph’ anyway?

Me And The Boys
Just a bunch of guys gettin’ in the car don’t matter who’s drivin’ or for how far
Feels so good feels so alive
No backseat driver tellin’ us how to drive.
Me and the Boys
Just me and the Boys
Me and the Boys
Me and the Boys.

Hey gang of secret m-fanz, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Pink Rob really is MAD at goony Jim, for chrissakes!”

How many sacks did Karen Guregian get in the media game?

Honk if you remember Mark Fidrych.

Embiid looks like he’s made up of broken parts.

Everybody in the Red Sox bullpen looks like they’re in the Aryan brothers gang in ‘Mayor of Kingstown.’

Zolak’s sports coat buttons are gonna knock someone’s eye out.

Every pic I see of Jerod Mayo, his head looks like it was poorly photoshopped onto his body.

Gabz is at the beach more than Joe Biden.

Jarren needs to work on his insult game. Is there a Zoom class for that?

Don’t lie and say you don’t envy all those gleeful Olympians at the Closing Ceremony. I sure do.

Evan Lazar is such a goddamn slob. Can we start a GoFundMe to get him an iron?

$15 for a pineapple? Glad I brought my own.

What do you say to someone taking a shit right next to you in public? You can’t chastise him because if he’s crazy enough to shit in public he’s crazy enough to wipe his shit on you.

Meteor showers and aurora borealis and me sleeping through the whole thing.

Best bet for the weekend: No handball matches on the TV.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

*It is also Halle Berry’s birthday. HB HB!*

7/31/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 31, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Sox tapping out every year immediately after the All-Star game is so weird.

Matthew Judon sat on a trash can watching pass-rushers practice? Doesn’t he know they put a PlayStation in the locker room??

“It’s not based on The Last Supper, but rather on an obscure Dutch painting from the 17th century!” has real, “We didn’t name our candy bar after the most famous baseball player in America in 1920, but after the dead daughter of a former President!” energy.

There’s a macabre subset of Celtics Twitter that loves talking about how long Len Bias and Reggie Lewis have been dead.

El Prez can’t claim the child tax credit for his girlfriend?

The US men’s basketball team and the US women’s beach volleyball team are both wearing long spandex pants. Disapprove!

Cakes are cooking for Gerry Philbin, Sab Shimono, Bill Weld, Barry Van Dyke, Evonne Goolagong Cawley, Alan Autry, Michael Biehn, Bill Berry, Mark Cuban, Dale Hunter, Sandra Hodge, Wesley Snipes, Fatboy Slim, J.K. Rowling, Andre Ware, Chris Weinke, Jonathan Ogden, Tim Couch, Zac Brown, B.J. Novak, DeMarcus Ware, Evgeni Malkin, and Kyle Larson.

Here’s the thing: There’s only so many plays one can run on offense in team handball.

@Dart_Adams Donna Summer: from Dorchester or Mission Hill? Always thought Dot but heard/read MH somewhere.

Hey gang of Volvik users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you fucking Caleb Williams?”

Why does Steve Kerr hate Tyrese Halliburton?

Green Line Update: Regular service has resumed between Heath Street and Brigham Circle.

What a stupid ritual wakes are. Gonna kneel in front of this rotting corpse filled with formaldehyde and pray to an old guy in the sky. Totally normal! Free Jacks won their playoff game.

Overheard at #The15 water cooler: “Dude, this gash football game is kinda tense!”

Great to see Dorchester gal Ayo Edebiri kicking ass onscreen with Robert Townsend in S3 of “The Bear”, 37 years after his iconic movie Hollywood Shuffle.

Oh good; water polo has VAR too.

The Call Her Daddy whore should ask Simone if the trainer made her squirt.

Next Olympics: Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Oh wow, Don Orsillo called a Padres no-hitter? I’m sure he’ll never tell us about it.

Anyone know the medal count?

We got on the ol’ Ouija Board to try and contact the restless spirit of Red Sox Poet Laureate Dick Flavin to see if he’d honor us with a timely poem. Here’s what we got:

“Detox Day is a movable feast,

When you need it the most or need it the least.

When your mouth is so dry you can’t even spit,

Or when your overtaxed liver is ready to quit.

Those will be days are the, the days..”

It goes on and on like that.

Duquette’s dumbest idea, that Karen Read is innocent or Wilfredo Cordero?

That can only mean Theo Epstein will be the one to come in and actually free Karen.

And the train conductor says,
Take a break, Driver 8.
Driver 8, take a break,
We can reach our destination.
But we’re still a ways away, but it’s still a ways away.
But we’re still a ways away, but it’s still a ways away.

A way to shield the hated heat.
A way to put myself to sleep.
A way to shield the hated heat.
A way to put myself, my children to sleep.

Savannah Guthrie always has a look on her face like she just asked, ‘You want to put what where?’

The US women’s gymnastics team is like a Benetton ad.

Tatum getting stapled to the bench was the worst act of terrorism ever involving a member of the Kerr family.

Yes, Ma: I heard about the deli meat recall.

TITTPT.

The Patriots reward another one of their own: The team and Davon Godchaux have agreed to a two-year extension worth up to $21M with $16.5M guaranteed. The deal was done by Drew Rosenhaus, Jason Rosenhaus and Ryan Matha.

Wait, there’s men’s field hockey?

RB Aaron Jones should have plenty of opportunities earlier for Minnesota.

Honk if you remember Jimmer Fredette.

Has there ever been a team like the 2024 Yankees before? I’ve never seen one. It’s like Maris and Mantle were traded to the 1962 Mets.

Hey guys, that’s Lenny DiNardo! *blank stares*

Try harder to make us like you Coach Mayo. It’s going to happen. Soon.

That Aussie RugbyRoo Sevens gal almost ran down Spiff Cedrick like Ben Watson did Champ Bailey.

My grade on the Revs trade? Um, incomplete?

Imagine having a problem with Simone Biles. (Gerry Callahan not eligible)

Tough loss, Renegades.

Best bet for the weekend: Judon gets neither a bag or his flowers.

*Le Festin des Dieux – Jan van Bijlert OK, I can kinda see it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Citius, Altius, Fortius – Communiter.

*And happy birthday to American model Chandra North.*

7/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 24, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Has Coach Mayo used “Optum” as an adjective yet?

Kenley Jansen has an irregular heartbeat? What a coincidence; so do I, when I see him come in from the bullpen! Bwahahahaha!

Sam Hauser, getting paid like he owns a suburban daycare center.

Coors Field features two of my favorite Stupid Cool Things in baseball: The forest in center field, and the row of purple seats to denote one mile above sea level.

Imagine going to Duluth and your first thought is to ask Big Gym about it.

Can’t help but be distracted by a TBS game broadcast using a TNT Sports graphics package.

Aaron Rodgers, reporting for duty on reporting day.

Cakes are cooking for Ruth Buzzi, Bob Lily, Dan Hedaya, Robert Hays, Michael Richards, Lynda Carter, Gus Van Sant, Steve Grogan, Robbie Grey, Paul Geary, Julie Krone, Karl Malone, Barry Bonds*, Nick Nurse, Kristin Chenoweth, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Fox, Patty Jenkins, Danny Dyer, José Valverde, Rose Byrne, Valerio Scassellati, Summer Glau, Anna Paquin, Elisabeth Moss, Patrice Bergeron, and Kyle Kuzma.

Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections. Then again, they may not.

Am I un-American if I was rooting for South Sudan?

Been saying Bolt is the most dominant athlete for a long time now…..put some respect on Usain Bolt name.

I don’t think anybody under 40 can throw a frisbee.

Kirk Herbstreit announces new show featuring his dog Ben? The seize and decyst from Mina Kimes and Lenny is on the way! Woof.

Hammer dulcimer!

The multipart BET “Rap City” docuseries was a slap in the face to its longtime viewers. It covered almost NOTHING about why “Rap City” was groundbreaking, essential, or necessary from its inception on August 11th, 1989. I’ll write about it because I remember damb near everything!

I ain’t calling some other grown man ‘McLovin.’

Don’t you just love the pomp and pageantry of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Craig? I really do.

OK, trust falls, then the breakout sesh!

Gees, the COVID bubble champs regardless of the sport are sensi and salty.

Poor people always find time to fuck.

Hearing whispers Jonathan Jones had a nice first day of camp. He finished with two pass breakups.

Your New England Free Jacks need a win Saturday to reach the MLR Finals!

The 1901 Detroit Tigers had only one regular or near-regular player who went by and is listed today by his actual first name or a common derivative of that. No less than 3 of their regulars went by the monicker “Kid”. The others were called “Sport”, “Ducky”, “Doc”, “Pop” and “Fritz.”

Moving forward, using all my breath.
Making love to you was never second best.
I saw the world crashing all around your face.
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace.

I’ll stop the world and melt with you.
You’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time.
There’s nothing you and I won’t do.
I’ll stop the world and melt with you.

Summer in Boston meant the TV lineup changed. Suddenly, channel 25 added “The Monkees” to the lineup & channel 66 added “Gidget” starring a young Sally Field. Next came the “Creature Double Feature”, “Kung Fu Theater” & Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello film marathons all Summer.

I made over 100 grand working construction every year Biden was President.

Am I supposed to root against the US Olympic Team because MLS doesn’t have promotion and relegation?

Not even a mention of Klobuchar as a potential VP pick. But that aint a problem for us Klob Slobs, we’re patient folk.

Jerod Mayo is going to re-injure something with all the false hustle he’s putting out.

Honk if you remember the Pine Tar Game.

Was just thinking the other day it’s been forever since I saw a frog in my yard and then yesterday, boom! A tree frog out on the porch. Nature, uh, finds a way.

Commander Biden tried to warn us about the Secret Service.

Going to miss seeing that tall girl play the Olympic 3 on 3 basketball.

Jackie Connors. Now an Eternal Eagle. RIP.

The Sports Junk Drawer turned into MSNBC so gradually no one even noticed. #LeanForward

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox determine whether they will be buyers or sellers at the MLB trade deadline.

*Zesty drip! Mothers, lock up your daughters!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the night.

*BdlG in Gucci, which is not an official sponsor of the 2024 Paris Olympic Games*.

7/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Kysre?

Are you now a member of the Patriots coaching staff? Are you sure? Check your emails.

The MLB ASG was very Red Sox intensive. As it should be.

Doubtless everyone in Jamaica Plain was rooting for the Fila-sponsored Barbora Krejcikova, to win Wimbledon, right?

If you can’t use a hammer correctly, sailing might not be your thing either.

MLB Draft: 9 of the first 21 players selected in the first round are Black players. #Diversity

Spaniards must be partying like it’s 1799 with the Euro Cup win and Alcaraz as the Wimbledon Men’s champ.

Ingrid Andress is going to rehab? This is going to ruin the tour.

Bedtime at 8:30 is delightful, sorree!

Cakes are cooking for Dick Button, Tenley Albright, Paul Verhoeven, Dion DiMucci, Joe Torre, Craig Fuller, Richard Branson, Nick Faldo, Elizabeth McGovern, Wendy Williams, Dan O’Brien, Vin Deisel, Anfernee Hardaway, Bruce Walker, Torii Hunter, Elsa Pataky, Ben Sheets, Dion Branch, Kristin Bell, Priyanka Chopra, and Canelo Alvarez.

Fun Fact: ‘Kysre’ is pronounced. ‘kaiser!’

Watching some Nets/Cavs from 1993 and Paolo Banchero reminds me so much of Derrick Coleman.

My grass is so brown Gerry Callahan is throwing rocks at it.

Tough loss at Wimbledon, but at least Jasmine Paolini now gets to go back to The Shire and marry Sam Gamgee.

Three monocle emojis can sometimes mean, ‘I’m happy for my Celtics teammate’, right?

Green Line B and C branch trains are currently terminating at Park Street due to a track problem at Government Center. For service to Boston College or Cleveland Circle from Government Center, board any train and switch at Park Street.

Greg Dickerson: “Is it bad that I’m insanely jealous of the hawk tuah girl? I just want fame and fortune for living life with no talent.” Sad!

Does Dave O’Brien even like his job? Guy should be conducting estate sales.

Red Sox drafted David Ortiz’s son, D’Angelo, in the 19th round. The Yankees will literally never know peace.

My “for you” tab is all fight vids and videos of animals you wouldn’t think would be friends, but are.

Jeff Howe thinks Dickie V. should stop showboating.

Hey gang of insecure phenoms! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m not afraid of you or your resources.”

BattleBots!

Uh, Dakota Fannings breakout role was in I Am Sam, 3 roles before Man on Fire.

Looking at Shakira is always a treat but once again who asks for music at a sporting event?

No better way to prove you’re definitely not jealous or bothered by criticism than to make another tweet about it a day later.

This Week’s Bill Simmons Mad Libs: “Is Jamie Lee Curtis the Eli Manning of her generation?”

Anybody with the last Campbell is called Soupy or Soup.

Jarren Duran joins Yaz, Roger, Pedro, and JD Drew as Red Sox All Star Game MVP winners.

Chanting at sporting events is like verbally holding hands with other guys.

Two absolutely fantastic rookie pitchers this year, Skenes and Miller. When was the last time we had two rookies like that in one year?

I can see why you think you belong to me.
I never tried to make you think or let you see
one thing for yourself.
But now you’re off with someone else and I’m alone.
You see I thought that I might keep you for my own.

Amie, what you wanna do?
I think I could stay with you,
For a while, maybe longer if I do.

News Item: Bill Belichick to join the cast of The CW’s ‘Inside the NFL’ The CW still exists? Is it on after ‘Gossip Girl?’

Bro, you need to get to Comerica.

What happens if you say ‘Klutch Sports Group’ five times in a mirror?

I’ve seen D’Angelo Ortiz play a few times. Good approach, works the count. Table-setter at Miami Dade. Smart player, too. He worked hard and played two years of juco. Nothing glamorous there, just bus rides and ball.

What a bizarre culture we’ve created where the third wheel on a hockey podcast feels the need to tell us he’s laying off the benzos.

Honk if you remembered to watch the ESPY’s.

Gaylord Perry would have liked that ‘Hawk Tuah’ gal.

Well at least the fans from the South American countries didn’t live down to stereotypes and low expectations in the Copa.

Third Eye Blind can pack ’em in at Great Woods and 50 Cent can’t? We truly live in an odd odd time in history.

Kayla Burton, Steve’s kid, NBC Sports Boston. Your thoughts?

Hillbilly Elegy is a prime day deal $7.45. I Am due for a next book to read and heard it was good.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Gregg Berhalter.

Now you can’t stream to Twitter unless you’re a “Premium Member?” Thanks for making it tougher to survive as a content creator, Elon.

Best bet for the weekend: high drama at Royal Troon.

*Jaylen. Kysre. Cute couple of hoopers.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Modified limited hiatus?

*And happy birthday to pale British actress Kelly Reilly.*

6/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 26, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

If I were Michael Hurley, I would simply not be terrible and unfunny.

Giddey. Caruso. The rare impactful honky-for-honky trade.

It’s bad enough when these NFL draft morons ‘grind tape!’ We’re supposed to believe that some whore from Florida with saggy silver dollar flapjacks is watching junior hockey?

if there isn’t already a Boston championships parade shirt with “we’ll duck you up”/“time to get ducked up”/“let’s ducking go” and a duck boats illustration……… we need it

Has anyone been bitten by a shark while hoisting the Stanley Cup?

Lukaku is Congolese for the ‘cattle are dying.’

Cakes are cooking for Rober Davi, Tara VanDerveer, Mick Jones, Chris Issak, Patty Smyth, Greg LeMond, Harriet Wheeler, Pamela Wright, Kirk McLean, Shannon Sharpe, Nick Offerman, Paul Thomas Anderson, Gretchen Wilson, Derek Jeter, Chad Pennington, Michael Vick, Casey Desmond, Jennette McCurdy, and Ariana Grande.

Just once in my life, I want to witness twin tornadoes so I can exclaim to no one in particular, “Ok…we got sisters!”

I’m gonna use a saying my dad told me years ago in relations to Gisele ..if you’re gonna build your house on the golf course..then you can’t complain when the golf balls start coming thru the window

The Knicks paid out way more for Brooklyn’s Bridges than the Dutch originally did for the island of Manhattan!

What good is the “eye test” when you don’t know what you’re looking at?

Red Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM on Friday, June 28, and through the weekend of June 29-30 Alewife Trains bypass Kendall/MIT Station due to construction. Riders can transfer, for free, at Central or Charles/MGH.

The Negro League kept better records than Sal.

Hey gang that definitely has no cultist tendencies, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m not in a cult retard.”

So every “Heat Culture” loser currently peacocking over a Fort Lauderdale hockey team’s heimlich maneuver Game 7 win were discounting the Celtics three-loss playoff performance last week, yes?

We are not perfect ..remember that ..

The worst thing about Italians is they don’t realize they should be ashamed of being Italian.

July is almost here which means it’s time for another round of my Zoom workshop for aspiring sportswriters. Been incredible seeing many who have taken it in press boxes all over this year. Come learn what it takes to break in. Email bychriscotillo@gmail.com for info/pricing.

People who like Keefe are the same people who go into a taproom with a selection of 100 beers and order a Miller Lite.

Do you think Aidan Kearney would drink Karen Read’s toilet water? I do.

Last chance to be 1 of 5 picked to win $10000 cash if you throw a FB through a car window from 12-2 tomorrow at Albrecht Chrysler Jeep Dodge Ram in Westboro. Sign up at dealership.

Photograph your living room and post it in the comments.

The only thing Todd McShay should be providing any opinions on is appearing on ESPN drunk out of his mind.

People I know, places I go, make me feel tongue-tied.
And I can see how, people look down,
They’re on the inside.

Here’s where the story ends.

People I see, weary of me showing my good side.
And I can see how people look down,
I’m on the outside.

Here’s where the story ends.
Oh, here’s where the story ends.

It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes my eyes feel sore.
Oh, I never should have said, the books that you read were all I loved you for.
It’s that little souvenir, of a terrible year, which makes me wonder why.
And it’s the memories of your shed, that make me turn red.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.

One thing I will never do is debate Boston sports on Twitter with a fan who roots for teams in four different states. Not to be a snob but we are not the same.

My estimate is that had face masks not been invented, major league baseball would now result in the deaths of an estimated 4.6 umpires per month.

Honk if you remember Earl Wilson’s no-hitter against the Angels on this day.

I’ve been a Taylor Swift fan for a long time and I’m so happy her and Travis Kelce are together. Travis is the first guy that truly feels madly in love with her and she deserves that. If they end up getting married, I’ll be very happy about that too.

All real Bruins fans use “Y’all” liberally on social media.

When there is more than just cheese it ceases to be a grilled cheese sandwich.

People regarded Jordan & Pippen as a Batman & Robin situation as opposed to a Superman & Batman partnership and that affected how every other basketball duo was viewed in the past 35 years… Jayson Tatum & Jaylen Brown are more like Iron Man & War Machine or Cable & Deadpool.

Dan Le Betard’s expanded universe of Hispanics must be stopped.

That fat Mets fan Frank is going to be a pallbearer at RA’s funeral, sponsored by DraftKings & Dude Wipes.

Scottie Scheffler has the slow beating heart of a criminal.

Grapefruit League Babe Ruth Bobby Dalbec with two home runs for the Woo Sox last night?

What’s Alan Jackson’s favorite client to fuck? The next one.

Happy trails to you, Linus Ullmark. I bet the Bussin’ Bussi likes hugs, too though. And fire engines.

The kids who say “Play ball” before an MLB game hold so much power. What happens if they refuse to say it? Do we just not play?

Julio Foolio was just turning his life around.

Chris Cotillo’s Zoom workshops have bigger audiences than some of these Stanley Cup appearances in south Florida.

Best bet for the weekend: The Swiss over Italy in the Euro.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I will be taking next week off. Something will run in this place. Enjoy the 4th.

*BdlG, as good as the Larry O’Brien Trophy? Or maybe slightly better?*

*That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.*

6/19/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 19, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Winning is great. Winning that makes everyone else hysterically sad is even better.

No one dotted Dugie? Sad!

Jaylen Brown Finals MVP. He did spend some of that Supermax contract money attending a Sick Handlez Camp!

Willie Mays. You Say Hey, we all say goodbye. OOTG’s.

I’m in tears knowing Bill Russell’s widow was in Dallas for Game 4, and in Boston for Game 5.

Meanwhile, if wasn’t already, Bryson DeChambeau sure seems to have become this weekend what golf is continually seeking: A needle mover.

Dave Brown peacocking from his long dormant & locked Twitter account is peak Dave Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Salman Rushdie, Ann Wilson, Duane Kuiper, Larry Dunn, Kathleen Turner, Paula Abdul, Simon Wright, Mia Sara, Poppy Montgomery, Robin Tunney, Doug Mientkiewicz, Dirk Nowitzki, Garfield the Cat, Zoe Saldana, Jason White, and Macklemore.

Not only was that an all-time US Open, but my daughters wanted to learn more about the game, and I got to talk through the back nine with my dad at the house like we used to do after my tournaments and biggest rounds. Happy Father’s Day, everyone. It was a memorable one over here.

Having proper Sunday night HBO programming back is the best. It dominates social media the next day. We are so back.

Tons of people were helped by Jerry West admitting to being a maniac. Many cases of lives saved. “The Logo” taught me that it’s ok to not be ok.

Orange Line Reminder: Service changes for bridge and track work June 22-23: Shuttle buses replace service between Oak Grove & North Station June 24-30: Shuttle buses replace service between Wellington & North Station. Commuter Rail is fare free between Oak Grove & North Station.

Hopefully the next time all these Patriots greats are together is at RKK’s funeral.

Ime Udoka passed this up for pussy.

I don’t know how long ago Dennis Drinkwater’s seat moved to the aisle but how does he get into it? Does he hop over the back? Need to know.

Will Buck be wearing his Donnie Beardlsey skinsuit on one of the duckboats Friday?

Edmonton has now won twice, a win for each boob flashed by that nice lady.

Suggestion for Friday’s Celtics parade: Reserve one Duck-Boat for Wyc Grousbeck and his band, and play a Dead set to bring Bill Walton into the event. “Ripple” for respect.

Al Horford, aka the Dominican Don Nelson.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s really scary to think that any one of us could be locked up if we drunkenly backed over a Boston cop. If they can do it to her, they can do it to YOU.

Hey gang of morons, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m still peeling confetti off me.”

Not great for the Woman In Sports™ brand that a hard 4 who grifts online retards considers herself part of the group.

Uh oh. Cotillo’s back on the soft serve.

Out of Jayson Tatum’s 40 highest priced purchased cards, only 3 were bought this year.

Trying to imagine what Bill’s reaction would have been if Brian, Stephen, or Amanda hade ever brought home a Cheerleader/Entrepeneur/Philosopher to meet dad.

This has been the longest day I wish I had more energy for the Celtics tweets 😦 I’ll be obnoxious all month if they win don’t worry.

‘Riding the side boards’ sounds like a 1940’s euphemism for gay sex.

I just wish Fergie would do every NBA Finals anthem.

The flow of porn spam from the usual suspects on Twitter has disappeared from my feed, and I have mixed feelings now that nobody seems to be trying to scam me. It’s like “wait, am I not worth the effort to try to steal from anymore?”

Abby didn’t need any gay champagne goggles.

Huh. I wonder why Bill forgot to mention the backstabbing rat of an in-over-his-head linebackers coach.

This human Subaru just femsplained to literal DNA forensic scientists the science of forensic DNA detectability.

Bill Clinton don’t become Willie Mays.

Sometimes I just shut up and let my past work talk. I earned these two days off and I’m going to enjoy every, single, minute of it.

PFF geting Betamaxed out of existence wouldn’t be terrible.

My favorite thing about watching women’s basketball is that they actually post up and use low post moves. It’s a lost art in the men’s game.

When the Starks & Baratheons get these blonde freaks up outta here >>>>>

Have the Revs turned a corner?

In the Boston Celtics 17 NBA Championships it has taken them an average of 6.12 games to win in the NBA Finals.

‘Claudia Bellofatto’ is a made-up name.

I can look out from the roof of this building I’m on and see five other buildings that I built. Three of which I saw from steel beam to final clean. I built half this block.

Today would be a great day for the race war to kickoff. Just like the Tet Offensive.

Gonna see the river man.
Gonna tell him all I can
About the plan
For lilac time.

If he tells me all he knows
‘Bout the way his river flows.
And all night shows
In summertime.

Fun Fact: women were disallowed from serving on juries in Massachusetts until 1950.

Somewhere in this town, there are crab legs & I’m gonna go eat more of them than the Rangers had hits Sunday.

Probably a relief to Jerry West that he didn’t have to see another Celtics championship.

Would you rather have one 12-foot statue of Tom Brady or twelve 1-foot statues of Tom Brady?

Narrator: The Mavericks as it turns out did not figure out the Celtics’ scheme.

There are too many withdrawals, no deposit , You can’t grow like that !!!

Wonder if Bill saved Linda’s fake cans for the new girl.

I’ve never figured out how they keep the baseball IN the hat when the hat jumps in the air during that dancing-hat thing where they want you to guess which hat has the ball.

With the Finals being over, how will people now learn that there is a new Bad Boys movie in theaters?

Honk if you remember Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup winning ‘no goal.’

That wasn’t a travel on Prichard’s beyond halfcourt halftime buzzer-beating three, it was a Eurostep.

Linda Cohn is still on TV? Well good for her!

I’m still trying to see ‘likes’ on Twitter like Homer Simpson forgetting to dial the new area code.

It’s really not like Anna Horford to use her brother’s fame to curry favor.

Imagine if Danny and Brad took advice from the radio talking men and the ink-stained wretches. lol

Belichick can probably still kill spiders and open tight jar lids at his age.

Also, I want the repaired Christopher Columbus statue the city is too scared to put back up riding on one of the duckboats.

If The Sports Hub had a Kevin, I think I’d know about it.

Best bet for the weekend: Ocean State Job Lot starts selling the ‘NBA Players Association’ championship merch.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

*And Happy Birthday to Czech supermodel Veronika Vařeková. Všechno nejlepší k narozeninám!*

6/12/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 12, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Lou thinks the first pitch home run was a bad way to start the homestand.

What if the Red Sox Twitter account changed their pfp for Pride Month to a zesty pic of Freddy Lynn, would that be okay?

When I was an opinion on an athlete’s ability to be athletic, I go straight to the two guys who can’t ride on an elevator together.

Dave O’Brien talking to Whitlock and his bionic arm and giving him “congratulations” on his birthday. Aspy!

Retinaculum? Damn near killed him!

If by ‘thriving’ you mean pulling in less revenue than the NBA G League last season, your players constantly bitching about low pay, bad accommodations, and having to play in Russia in the offseason to make ends meet, then yes, the WNBA was absolutely thriving before Caitlin Clark arrived.

Half of the crew in one of America’s most enduring movies were from Boston. Ray Bolger (Scarecrow) was a Dot guy. And Jack Haley (Tin Man) was born in Boston and grew up in Newton.

Trolls profit when you pay them with your attention.

Cakes are cooking for Marv Albert, Bun E. Carlos, Terry Alderman, Timothy Busfield, Jenilee Harrison, Mark Calcavecchia, Rod Latham, Derek Higgins, Paula Marshall, Gwen Torrence, Ryan Klesko, Hideki Matsui, DJ Qualls, and Jrue Holiday.

“We head back to Dallas,” they keep saying. That’s weird, as the series hasn’t been there yet.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The NBA Finals will go at least 4 games and at most 7 games. Only 2 games have been played. That means there is at least 50% of the Finals yet to be played and up to 71.4% remaining. So, nobody should be concerned with who the 2024 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player yet.

RIP Chet Walker. You ain’t been up-faked until you’ve been up-faked by Chet “The Jet” Walker.

And then there’s Jerry West. He will be looking up and smiling at the Lakers all next season.

Seeing as CapFriendly’s days appear to be numbered (at least as a free site), I’d expect @PuckPedia to do what CF did after CapGeek’s pioneering run ended and fill the void. Can be the digital version of Williams to Yaz to Rice.

It’s been so long since the #Celtics clinched the ECF that I think Tatum retired and Deuce is starting at the 4.

Shukri’s life demonstrates the power of taking calculated risks.

I love the idea of “Yacht Rock.” But every time I turn it on, it’s more like “Every Song From 40 Years Ago That You Couldn’t Change Fast Enough Back Then.”

Looser orifice? Jerod Mayo’s mouth or Karen Read’s ‘balloon knot?’

I had some cilantro rice last night and enjoyed it. What a cocksucker I turned out to be.

Are we supposed to know what a Funko Pop is?

Tough for the USMNT to get the talent it needs with all the kids playing cricket nowadays.

Hey gang of pillheads, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Leave her alone, NYP.”

Aaron Rodgers is skipping all of Jets mandatory minicamp this week because he prefers to be somewhere else away from football. That’s his choice.

Dart Adams didn’t get a New England Emmy Award for the Bell Biv DeVoe at Fenway Park Special?

To the good, the WCVB Eye Opener Team won a local Emmy, but then so did The Phantom Gourmet and Charlie Moore the Mad Fisherman.

This team of chokers has a Celtics franchise record for most consecutive playoff wins.

Creep don’t sleep.

Is all of Rhode Island under construction? Disgusting.

Wherever you go, I’ll be with you.
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.
Whenever you need someone,
To lay your heart and head upon.

Remember, after the fire, after all the rain,
I will be the flame;
I will be the flame.

Who knew that Turtleboy fans were so sensitive about salty language? The MSP, they’re cops, not fops.

So many young ladies with numerical surnames.

Honk if you remember Chick Corea.

A good college basketball coach at a big school can stay there 25, 30, 40 years. I don’t know that that happens too often in the NBA.

Make a series of it, willya Edmonton?

We get it, Coach Mayo, the bad man is gone, so let’s do some performative charity work. Hey, the team has all summer to learn those fourteen word play calls, right?

Deuce Tatum is like Benjamin Button, but instead of aging in reverse, he just keeps getting whiter.

Nice stupid tits, Ashley; those will age well.

Sorry to hear Jonathan had another box factory emergency to attend to and missed the festivities later today.

I enjoy all length of socks.

if I was a horse I’d be down on my fetlocks praying Mut doesn’t bet on me.

Winning on the opponent’s floor wouldn’t be bad, Celtics.

Best bet for the weekend: a confusing Father’s Day at Clint Eastwood’s.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dan Kelley, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s gooooo!!!

*And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima, who would probably never marry and then divorce a famous athlete. Wait, what?*

6/5/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 5, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The way I keep it straight is, it’s the ‘Stanley Cup Final’, because final and NHL both end in L, and it’s the ‘NBA Finals’ because basketball and association both contain at least one letter S.

The Red Sox should consider installing a dugout escalator.

The Cooper Flagg race war is going to make this Caitlin shit look positively warm and fuzzy.

Mayo answering a coaching philosophy question is like Trump answering a question about his favorite Bible verse.

What the hell is Dave O’Brien talking about? The only thing preventing Sox fans from really diving in to support them is a 10-game winning streak, a no hitter, or a player hitting 14 HRs in a month. Oh, is that all?

It’s Men’s Mental Health Month, too.

Volunteered to help my wife teach her kindergarten class last Friday. My doctor says I should recover in 4 to 6 weeks!!

There’s nothing white women in their 20s love more than saying they’re bisexual.

As much as a pain in the ass as social media is at times, I’m so thankful I get to keep in touch with my childhood friends. Watching people you have loved at different points in life grow up is so freakin’ cool.

When is the joint Rangers/Knicks “We would have won if…” parade?

Cakes are cooking for Robert Kraft, Colm Wilkinson, John Carlos, Freddie Stone, Laurie Anderson, Ellen Foley, Kathleen Kennedy, Michael “Nicko” McBrain, Kenny G, Richard Butler, Jeff Garlin, Ron Livingston, Izabella Scorupco, Mark Wahlberg, Chuck Klosterman, Lamon Brewster, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jason White, Pete Wentz, and Marques Colston.

Every sports radio caller is a proud graduate of Red Auerbach Coaching Academy.

I loved G & R’s ‘Chinese Dentistry’ album.

Fun Fact: Edmonton sits at 53.5461 degrees North. Sunrise, FLA sits at 26.1670 degrees North. The 2024 Stanley Cup Final competitors have the largest difference in latitude of any championship series in the history of North American professional sports.

A great birthday gift for Al Horford? A championship ring with the #DifferentHere

Green Line D Branch and Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a wire car performing preventative maintenance on the overhead catenary.

That make-out session with another girl after two and a half hard seltzers in college doesn’t make you bi, toots.

If Nickelback has no fans, I am deceased.

Tucupita Marcano sounds like a Jason Bourne alias to get through security at the airport, or maybe a dessert at Table.

Bill the GM doesn’t get any credit for getting rid of Loose Change Chase Winovich?

Being a kid with rich parents doesn’t seem to be as great as it sounds.

Oh wow the morbidly obese autist is a pedophile?

A mix pack that is 4 different kinds of India Pale Ales is not a mix pack, beer brewing people.

Did Rex Chapman just invent Birthdays?

If anyone needs me tonight, I’ll be dragging a naked and screaming Bob Cousy down Tremont Street while I demand that horrified onlookers “give him his flowers” before he dies.

Hey gang of folks with discerning palates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I bet you eat hot dogs for dinner regularly.”

Everyone forgets the 3OT game against the Suns.

We completed the construction of the first Air Rights project since the 1970’s back in January. We built six stories of a 17-story building over the 93 on-ramp. This would be the second. Nice try though.

Why do geese have 9,000 babies? Do they listen to Marvin Gaye or what??

Rough Game 5, Timberwolves. I hadn’t seen a beating like that in Minnesota since George Floyd.

Perk looks and talks like he’s the Moon in a children’s storybook.

Vaya con Dios, Vanessa Welch and Kate Merrill. Good luck in your future endeavors.

Knock down the old grey wall.
Be a part of it all.
Nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to do.

If you would give me all
As I would give it to you.
Nothing would be, nothing would be, nothing would be.

No matter where you go.
There will always be a place
Can’t you see it in my face, girl?
Ooh, girl, want you.

If I looked like a black Jocelyn Wildenstein, I would probably be angry all the time too.

Honk if you remember Hip Zepi USA.

A first baseman CAN make a quite significant contribution to the defensive success of his team. However, only a few first basemen do. Any rare skill presents a challenge to analysts.

Don’t believe Porzingis when he says he’s100%, Green teamers.

Steelers stalwart Larry Allen dead at 52, very sad. Huh? He played for Dallas? Well, I saw the age and just, well, you know…

Maybe the baseball players shouldn’t bet on baseball games?

Confusing I-93 and the Mass Pike is the kind of Generalship that leads to fighting the Battle of Bunker Hill in the wrong location.

Additional Fun Fact: Edmonton has a larger population than Chelmsford, Andover, and Lewiston combined.

The Celtics winning made the termites in Doris’s dentures cry.

Where is the Isobel Cup?

Maybe it’s not a great idea to take life lessons from a rapist. Just sayin’.

That nice Ginger Zee lady would have told Ike 80 years ago the weather across the English Channel was clearing.

Best bet for the weekend: a different horse wins the Belmont Stakes.

*Is it sexist to say that outfit looks terrible when I could see Jayson Tatum wearing the exact same thing, pocketbook included?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Lookin’ at the devil, grinnin’ at his gun, Fingers start shakin’, I begin to run. Bullets start chasin’, I begin to stop, We begin to wrestle, I was on the top.