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11/13/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 13, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Nice win out in St Louis, Bruins. Monty might still be the coach for the Centennial Game!

It’s really cruel of the NBA to introduce another title that the Knicks can’t win.

There is a better chance of the tooth fairy floating into your room tonight, kicking your ass and drinking all your beer than the Red Sox signing Juan Soto.

One does not simply walk into Bobby Dodd Stadium at Hyundai Field.

Pasta is great, but it’s not a side.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Mantegna, Roger Steen, Gilbert Perrault, Merrick Garland, Andy Ranken, Tracy Scoggins, Chris Noth, Whoopi Goldberg, Aldo Nova, Charlie Baker, Greg Abbott, Neil Flynn, Blair Rasmussen, Vinny Testaverde, Jimmy Kimmel, Mark Fitzpatrick, Pat Hentgen, Gerard Butler, John Francis Zingg, Noah Hathaway, Metta Sandiford-Artest, Asdrúbal Cabrera, Lando Norris, and Emma Raducanu.

Cavemen must have had mad hemorrhoids, wiping their hairy asses with leaves and whatnot.

Did we throw Strahan in Gitmo yet?

It’s WILD that Tommy Boy had a contest so if you could properly identify the sample used in the hook of De La Soul’s “Plug Tunin'” single back in Fall ’88 you could win $500… That’s equivalent to $1333 in 2024.

The local scribes were this excited and optimistic when last year’s Patriots team got win #3, right? Right?

BlueSky’s getting more beta. Heyooooooo!

Kevin Owens joining the Bloodline 2.0 would be so insane and I’m all for it.

That Dickerson tweet is amazing. “Just teaching my son to be an asshole to total strangers for no real reason. So proud.”

At least they don’t need to air the old man smell out of the White House now.

Hey gang, of vowel purchasers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Treat yourself to a round of sausage.”

Excited to report kids in middle school are still reading Mike Lupica books.

Quin Snyder looks like a Tom Hanks stunt double in Philadelphia.

Red Line Reminder: November 18-24 Shuttle buses replace service between Harvard & Broadway for track work. Shuttles will not directly service Park St or Downtown Crossing. Riders can board at Haymarket & State.

I thought John Basedow died in the tsunami.

Jalen Ramsey has the busiest facemask I’ve ever seen for a DB but he pulls it off.

I wasn’t going to watch the NBA Cup tournament until they debuted a new design on the ball.

We lost Carlo Imelio? Sad. Often beaten, never defeated.

Good to see Steve Kerr (who was missing Podziemski and Melton) was still able to find a way to play eleven players IN THE 1ST QUARTER(!) of the game in a sport he’s adamant you can’t do that kind of thing in.

It’s been six months
She hasn’t shut up once
I’ve tried to explain
She’s driving me insane

She won’t even miss me when she’s gone.
But that’s OK with me, I’ll cry later on.

Talk to ya later.
Don’t wanna hear it again tonight.
I’ll talk to ya later.
Just save it for another guy.
Oh, talk to ya later.
Don’t wanna hear it again tonight.
I’ll just, see you around.

Something about Mountain Dew with Chinese Food just hits.

Honk if you remember Pat Paulson.

Mookie Betts is a Silver Slugger Award winner for the fourth time with the Dodgers and seventh time in his career.

Are eggs two bucks a dozen yet?

The Bears have released veteran G Nate Davis, who they shopped prior to the trade deadline. He started 13 times over the last two seasons for them.

Have you not turned the heat on in your house yet? Let us know in the comments.

I did it. I made it not rain. I bought new wiper blades. Sorrey!

Baylor Scheierman impresses in his G-League debut.

Halloween candy at only 33% off, CVS? That’s not gonna cut it. Fifty!

It’s gonna be funny when Surgeon General RFK throws the ‘celebrity’ callers/change counters in the Guantanamo Bay Weight Loss Camp.

News Item: The Ground Round restaurant returning to Massachusetts.

Best bet for the weekend: McVay outduels Mayo on short rest.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heard it in a love song. Can’t be wrong.

*Bianca de la Garza staying hydrated at her book release party.*

11/7/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 7, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Good for Mookie. Bad for Red Sox Ownership.*

Well, Suzyn, um, in life…

No way that wasn’t an illegal screen no matter what Marc Davis and whatever Knicks or Nets fans were reviewing the play from New York thought. Shameful.

The game was over as soon as the Dodgers tied it with that five-run outburst. Falling behind for a few minutes was just a minor bump in the road. Some of you know nothing about momentum and body language and it shows

Halloween happens every time The NY Jets play.

The Pivetta qualifying offer makes perfect sense. On Bizarro World!

Lamelo Ball looks like emo John Oates.

Cakes are cooking for Johnny Rivers, Joni Mitchell, Alex Ribeiro, David Petraeus, Christopher Knight, Liam Ó Maonlaí, Calvin Borel, Andre Hastings, Emily Lesueur, Dan Houser, Yunjin Kim, Kris Benson, Tarek Salah, Marcus Luttrell, Mark Philippoussis, Mike Commodore, Will Demps, Adam Devine, Elsa Hosk, Courtney Marie Andrews, and Lorde.

The only reason Gabrielle Starr wanted to get to the press box was so she could literally look down on people instead of just figuratively.

I’m gonna glaze Wemby when he’s playing like this in May Not October.

Alley-oops from the floor? Ok, Ja! Ok!

Hey Gang of immortals, this Week’s phrase That pays is, “Sal, It’s a sports Bonanza.”

Red Line Reminder: November 5-10 Shuttle buses replace service between Broadway & North Quincy for track work. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

I’m sorry. . .who exactly has been disrespecting Tom Brady?

Absolutely stacked country new music friday last wk.

Ordway’s way of saying stuff like he’s smart but being a gigantic dummy is infuriating.

Paul Pierce’s wheelchair thought Mahomes needing two people to help him off the field was ridiculous.

I was seriously considering Switching to Rich. Alas.

Drake Maye is tall. Got a big arm.

News Item: Australian breakdancer Raygun announces retirement following viral performance at Paris Olympics.

The Bruins aren’t a .500 team.

Oh sure. Like Jason Kelce never called Travis a faggot.

She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton back in 1965.
She had legs that never ended,
I was halfway paralyzed.
She was tall and cool and pretty, and she dressed as black as coal.
If she asked me to, I’d murder, I would gladly lose my soul.

Now I lie in bed and think of her.
Sometimes I even weep.
Then I dream of her behind the wall of sleep.

Gerrit Cole is the mentally weakest ‘Ace’ since Roger Clemens.

I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.

Honk if you remember Jeanne Zelasko.

Michael Hurley looks like a Rob Ninkovich you bought off Temu.

Run, Bobby Dalbec! Be free!

Florida has announced that it won’t be making a head coaching change and is sticking with Billy Napier.

Bucs, you should have gone for two.

I bet they’re really going to boo the next time the Warriors play in Boston.

Best bet for the weekend: Hunter Henry being dependable.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The dark side’s coming now, nothing is real. She’ll never know just how I feel.

*And happy birthday to the first supermodel, England’s Own Jean Shrimpton. Here seen in a 1965 photo.*

*My colonoscopy you ask? It went fine. As healthy and pink as Kevin ‘The Hammer’ McNamee!*

10/23/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 23, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Celebrities expected to be in attendance for the Celtics season-opener included Jeannine Russell, The Duke & Duchess of Athol, Donnie Wahlberg, Shaboozey, Benson Boone, Kai Cenat, Ron Catamount Muskmelon, 21 Savage, Metro Boomin, MBTA Flailin, Gord Marley, A$AP Ferg, Ja’Whaun Bentley, Davon Godchaux, Yung Lil Young, Zeppo Wahlberg, Shukri Wight, the cast of ‘Rescue: Hi-Surf’, and Nibi the Educational Beaver.

Felger should make “Tony, I Think You Had Something You Wanted to Say First?” a weekly feature.

Mookie needed 1927 Yankees Murderers Row protection to break out of his playoff blues.

Albuterol is still the best way to avoid wheezing a lot of bed.

The wax figure on the Liberty Mutual ads is by far the worst iteration of this series.

Who said D-Hop?

Looking forward to having the Dugie rally at City Hall if the Yankees win.

Cakes are cooking for Ang Lee, Dwight Yoakam, Weird Al Yankovic, Doug Flutie, Mike Tomczak, Al Leiter, Kevin Henry, Sanjay Gupta, Keith Van Horn, Cat Deeley, Ryan Reynolds, Pedro Liriano, Izabel Goulart, Emelia Clarke, Leah Van Dale, Fábio Tavares, Margaret Qualley, and Nick Bosa

Precious Achiuwa sounds like the name of a fat Lhasa Apso.

Lynx got jobbed.

Hey gang of paranormal pursuers! This week’s Phrase That Pays is, “To see the ghost, you must first believe in the ghost.”

Stammertime, welcome to Smashville.

Did TNT cut away to commercial because Paul Pierce had floated up into the TD Garden rafters too?

Honey Flower Dan Cong (also called Phoenix Mountain Oolong) is the best tea and it has been unfindable for months and it appears it has come back into stock in the US and is also way less expensive than it was last year. Big win for me.

Orange Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Forest Hills.

LeBron James the Younger debuting to play with his father was one of the most heartwarming painfully forced moments you’ll ever see.

Mercury Morris was the only thing stopping the Chiefs from going undefeated.

Bill Belichick was never 1-6. Bill Belichick never described his own team as “soft.” Bill Belichick never got the pass Jerod Mayo is getting right now. Mayo at 1-6 is treated better than Belichick was at 6-1.

Cousy is a cvnt hair away from being Jimmy Carter.

“Fernandomania” was a blast for baseball fans. Farewell to a Dodgers legend.

Charismatic megafauna!

Ime Udoka would have been at the banner raising if he knew white Cooz was gonna be there! What?

I see people saying that the Dodgers/Yankees series will get great TV ratings. Is that your belief? Because I’m skeptical. Put the two hardest teams in baseball to root for head-to-head, you really think that will draw big numbers?

Ridin’ in the bus down the boulevard,
And the place was pretty packed, yeah.
Couldn’t find a seat so I had to stand,
With the perverts in the back/

It was smellin’ like a locker room,
There was junk all over the floor.
We’re already packed in like sardines,
But we’re stoppin’ to pick up more, look out!

Another one rides the bus, another one rides the bus,
Another comes on and another comes on,
Another one rides the bus;
Hey, he’s gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus.

Retire? Are you kidding? The Sultan of Stat would never let down his loyal subjects (that’d be you and math).

Fun Fact: Entitled Town has an IMDB Page.

The Patriots are missing Rhamondre Stevenson, Layden Robinson, Ja’Lynn Polk and Curtis Jacobs from today’s practice Vederian Lowe returned, but looked limited. Keion White also looked limited.

Honk if you waited in line when the iPod was released.

Steve Kerr told TNT to go to commercial.

Imagine hitching your wagon to Mayo’s movable North star.

The Yankees installing Boone as manager for life is kinda weird. Like if the Red Sox had won the 2003 ALCS and then made Trot Nixon manager.

Clams hurt themselves posing with the WNBA trophy? Smdh.

Best bet for the weekend: the Fighting Irish over the Fightin’ Seabees.

*It does always come back to baseball, Colin and Nick.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mayo on the hot seat?

*And a happy birthday to Brazilian fashion model Izabel Goulart.*

10/16/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 16, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Greatest 20 Point Loss in Team History.

In the event of a Subway Series, will the New York celebrities get assigned a rooting interest at random?

The Celtics are the top team in town…until something changes.

“It’s October! It’s costume month!” – Broads. Probably.

Being a Patriots captain is like being the drummer for Spinal Tap.

‘Look What You Made Me Do’ after a Celtics win hits hard. The most disrespected Champions of all time are on a mission this year. I can’t wait.

Bruins: 41-41 here we come?

I know I’m in the super minority, but AVP had a good day Sunday- and while the discord today is typical, it’s also frivolous.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Weir, David Zucker, Falcão, Sue Pedersen, Tony Carey, Melissa Belote, Roger Phegley, Tim Robbins, Gary Kemp, Bob Mould, Val Skinner, Billy Taylor, Durga McBroom, Flea, Missy Hyatt, German Titov, Tom Tolbert, Joe Murphy, Wendy Wilson, Chad Grey, Darius Kasparaitis, Jermaine Lewis, Paul Kariya, Kellie Martin, John Mayer, Mary Halvorson, Sue Bird, Bryce Harper, and Naomi Osaka.

A nice tribute to Johnny and the other one by the Blue Jackets.

Brian Burns is showing why the Rams were willing to give up two first-round picks for him a few years ago. A massive talent.

Imagine if you had an ambidextrous schizophrenic pitcher? It would be like having two players for the price of one.

Why did I even buy a motorcycle off Temu?

The worst Boston free-agent walk-away since Carlton Fisk? Dave Goucher.

The advertising budgets for some of these Big Pharma psychosomatic drug commercials is outrageous.

Get your plants and veggies in before Thursday.

Do the Jaguars have a deeply discounted season ticket program for pretend bisexuals?

Hey Six Sigma gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “People who try & place catchy names on any process show they really aren’t doing shit.”

Orange Line Reminder: Service has resumed between North Station and Back Bay. Shuttle Buses will operate between Back Bay and Forest Hills through Oct 20. Commuter Rail alternates are available.

It will never not be funny to me that my phone autocorrects Brissett to brisket, no matter how many times I type it. #lol

My toxic trait is that I keep sleeping with my window open because I love the cold but get mad when I wake up with my sinuses in absolute shambles.

You can see the mornin’, but I can see the light
Try, try, try, let it ride
While you’ve been out runnin’, I’ve been waitin’ half the night
Try, try, try, let it ride

And would you cry if I told you that I lied
And would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?
And would you cry if I told you that I lied
And would you say goodbye, or would you let it ride?

Joe Murray runs his own show but has to do his own headlines too. That’s hardcore, man. Props to you brother.

Ethel is such a hot name.

“Three Kings” ran in one big theater. We had a one-night premiere screening of “Drive Me Crazy”. I was in HELL that night. We had “American Beauty” in one theater, “Random Hearts” in one theater & opened “Fight Club” in one of our big theaters. We had to swap “Random Hearts.”

The Texans could have showed up wearing their lettermen jackets and still won.

They’re not even gonna try to fix the Trop with clear plastic sheeting and a whole mess of Flex Seal?

Honk if you remember Baby Jessica.

SF49’ers sign a kicker who could play against the Chiefs on Sunday after his missed playoff kick in January was a reason they played the Chiefs in Super Bowl LVIII.

A Hockey Club sandwich would hit the spot right now.

Peter King says Lamar Jackson calls him “Mr. Peter”. I don’t think that’s the token of respect Fatty thinks it is.

Bruins fandom needs more Laurens.

It would be fun if, when a baseball team fires six coaches, they would be required to file a five-page report on each firing, explaining in detail what it was that that coach did wrong.

If you aren’t sure what a phrase means, maybe hold off on using it.

Best bet for the weekend: Pats depart Wembley as winners.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Takitaki!

*BdlG. So Fall-coded. She had a birthday this week too. Or will have one. So mysterious!*

10/9/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 9, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Swayman had got his contract signed. Our short, regional nightmare is now over.

Thank God the Patriots made the Maye announcement on Tuesday. It would have been a shame if the Texans didn’t have a full week to prepare.

Be careful out there, Floridian friends.

Peppers has made $34MM in his career and rents an apartment in Braintree? He should be cut for that reason alone.

“Hey, can I ruin your photo?” – ‘Fitzy’

Luis Clemente Tiant Vega; taken from us too soon. Cigars and a crazy wind-up. He was called, ‘El Tiante’, which means, ‘The Tiante.’ Rest in peace, amigo.

Do the Mohegans have a legend about a wily Lynx defeating the Sun? Maybe they should.

It’s not Giancarlo’s fault! Bob Costas is basically what everyone always said Joe Buck is.

So the Manning’s spent time wondering if Matt Patricia had a special pencil that worked on a laminated play sheet? Another chess move by Bill.

Cakes are cooking for Nona Hendryx, Jackson Browne, Brian Downing, Richard Chaves, Sharon Osbourne, Tony Shalhoub, James Fearnley, John O’Hurley, Scott Bakula, Don Garber, Ini Kamoze, Michael Paré, Mike Singletary, Trevor Matich, Guillermo del Toro, Dwayne Sabb, Polly Jean Harvey, Annika Sorenstam, Kenny Anderson, Brandon Pollard, Dexter McCleon, Steve Burns, Sean Lennon, Nick Swardson, Brian Roberts, Henrik Zetterberg, Marie Kondo, Jacob Batalon, and Ben Shelton.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Wood Island.

I just got beeped at in drive thru line at Doughboy. It’s rather concerning if the general public no longer understands the concept of a drive thru line.

It’s almost like choosing as Belichick’s heir apparent a man whose post-playing career talent ceiling is ‘casino greeter at Plainridge’ was a bad idea.

Veal Parm is the greatest of Parms for Subs.

Hey gang of incurable romantics, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Everyone knows that the portion of the brain used for critical thinking is markedly less developed in women, honey.”

I’m fine with it not being tonight and surprised Goldberg wasn’t getting that Saudi check versus Gunther, but you gotta pull the trigger on Sami, Great matches with Gunther, Cody, Roman all as challenger. The Sami Hogan shit is corny. Put the belt on him in the next 12 months

It’s 2024, don’t get offended if I tell you i won’t eat your dish made with Rao’s or Ragu jarred sauce. it’s not that serious. I don’t like it, you cannot change my mind. I am sure you are a wonderful cook. it’s not personal

First they came for William Bendetson, and I said nothing…

Someone should ask Mayo if he knows he can make these decisions without consulting the press.

I have a peck of apples to eat from last weekend!

What do you call “imposter syndrome” when it’s not a syndrome?

Tasing is lame. Just shoot him.

Vegans and people from Texas; They’re going to shoehorn that fact into every conversation in any way that they can.

Look, he’s crawling up my wall.
Black and hairy, very small.
Now he’s up above my head.
Hanging by a little thread.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Now he’s dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door.
Maybe he’s as scared as me.
Where’s he gone now, I can’t see.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Just when I thought D daddy bald daddy NBA champion daddy White couldn’t be any cooler. I need this hoodie of him tucking in Tatum’s best friend the Larry O’Brien Trophy into bed immediately

The world does need Rat Shovelers.

The Kraft’s have their team back. It’s an awful, irrelevant team, but hey, it’s theirs!

Honk if you remember Dean Smith.

When the Red Wings fans throw an octopus onto the ice, the team either needs to have a player leave the ice or they get called for a too many men penalty.

Joe Kelly is the modern Moe Drabowsky.

Yaaaaa Sully … Mayo’s got a plan, kid, yaaaaaaaaa!

A: Nothing, she’s already been told twice.

Few things are more annoying than when the referees constantly delay the game by making unnecessary “Delay of Game” calls. Hold up the game 20 seconds because the snap was a half-second late.

Drake Maye’s lifelong dream is about to come true and Greg Dickerson thinks he should be depressed.

Best bet for the weekend: someone earns their True Yankee pinstripes.

*Where did Mayo get these captain’s patches, Needful Things?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Creepy, crawly, creepy creepy crawly crawly.

*Happy Birthday to The L Word actress Erin Daniels.*

10/2/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 1, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Too many, too soon, no more Super Sky Points please!*

It’s okay, Pete Rose only bet on himself to make 84.

Like two minutes into his first game and I’m already sick of all the Bruins skirts calling Zadorov, “Zaddy.”

WHO WANTS TO FAWCETT MUTOMBO!?

Jerod Mayo doesn’t have a plan, “Eliot and I” have a plan. That rat fuck mentions “Elliot” more than E.T.

For what it’s worth, I hoped that the Red Sox won Game 162 if only so Joe Castiglione can call a win in his final game. Call me sentimental, but that matters more to me than a draft pick.

Those 30 million Pete Rose-signed baseballs just went up $.03 in value.

Have to wonder if Chris Sale’s psychosomatic back spasms are a result of guilt surfacing from his subconscious about how much money he’s stolen.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Barnett, Don McLean, Skip Konte, Avery Brooks, Donna Karan, Annie Liebovitz, Michael Rutherford, Bill Elliott, Sting, Lorraine Bracco, Philip Oakey, Gordie Roberts, Glenn Anderson, Mark Rypien, Sheila Echols, Floyd “Bud” Gaugh, Eddie Guardado, Kelly Ripa, Tiffany, Aaron McKie, Lene Nystrøm, Paul Teutul Jr, Tyson Chandler, Phil Kessel, Ricky Stenhouse Jr, and Brittany Howard.

This postseason, MLB should replace John Smoltz with Tom Hardy doing the Bane voice for one inning and *not* explain it at all, just having him call the game straight up.

I still have no fucking clue what Dirty Water TV actually is. But I love that they only hire shameless whores.

AHL jobbers taking runs at real NHL players in fake games. Smdh.

Notice that a hurricane never *moves* toward land, or *races* toward land; they always *barrel.* Not sure how that became the go-to word.

Green Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace service today between North Station and Medford/Tufts & Union Sq. Union Sq. riders can use bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line.

With all the love shown to Joe Castiglione this year, you’d think WEEI’s ratings would be better than they are.

Joey Slye could be your kicker for the next 10 years…

Hey gang of useless Hufflepuffs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Wands up tonight my fellow Potterheads.”

RC-celeb, people glom on to anything for a shred of notoriety. Radio call-in guest has to be lower than starring in an anal warts cream commercial.

Hard to believe Wakey has been gone a year now.

Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections near Haymarket.

Does anyone know how old Alabama WR Ryan Williams is?

Shohei this year might be a Level-1 MVP season, whereas Dick Groat in 1960 or Jim Konstanty in 1950 are like. ..well, they had to give the award to somebody, I guess. Level 10 MVPs.

Everyone hated ESPN’s Christian Yelich in-game interview.

Every time I see bicyclists while driving now, I think of Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau. They should still be here.

Wait, actors have imposter syndrome? Isn’t that their job?

NESN ‘borrowed’ the MSG feed to honor Sam Rosen who has been calling games since 1984 and is retiring at the end of the season you clueless slob. At least that what I heard!

In a couple of days we should learn how much his injury settlement lowered Armon Watts’ cap number of $2,169,765.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia has big shoes to fill in taking over for Jeff Trundy as manager of the Falmouth Commodores in the Cape Cod Baseball League next summer.

No, you give me $5!

Dame Maggie Smith, RIP. Always thought she was the Penguin in The Blues Brothers but that was Kathleen Freeman.

Dirty Water TV is like the early ‘90’s Simpsons writers’ room for braindead whores.

Jerod Mayo says it is “definitely under consideration” that RB Antonio Gibson starts over Rhamondre Stevenson on Sunday after Stevenson has fumbled in each of the first four games.

Seventy-three men sailed up
From the San Francisco Bay.
Rolled off of their ship, and here’s what they had to say;
“We’re callin’ everyone to ride along to another shore.
We can laugh our lives away and be free once more.”

But no one heard them callin’
No one came at all.
‘Cause they were too busy watchin’ those old raindrops fall.
As a storm was blowin’ out on the peaceful sea,
Seventy-three men sailing off to history

Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship.
Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip.
Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship.
On your way to a world that others might have missed.

I was blessed to see Addams Family Values on tv. Raul Julia was a master actor. I miss him so much.

Castiglione has been a leading Clemens propagandist for decades.

I can’t believe they went to a mini pride rally and a WNBA Playoff game broke out!

Every white dude ends up looking like a lesbian eventually.

ESPN keeping Kendrick Perkins over Zach Lowe might be worse than when the Sixers kept Tobias Harris over Jimmy Butler.

Honk if you remember Steve Sabol.

Can October be scripted? It’s tempting to say yes, but I say no.

Had a dream last night that DeVonta Smith was on the New England Patriots. No idea what year it was.

Jerry Tarkanian must be spinning in his grave seeing UNLV failing to pay players.

“At least Rashee Rice went out doing what he loved. Ending a drive with a horrible collision and immediately leaving the scene.” -Brandon Carney

Does Boston College play John Ashcroft’s ‘Let the Eagle Soar’ after football games? Well they should.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reminds me of baseball. There were the awful kids who were there for the wrong reasons, and there was Charlie, who just loved candy. Maybe it’s childish, but baseball needs owners who are Charlie’s, not Veruca Salt’s & Mike TeaVee’s.

Is ‘Center’ an important position in football? Because it sounds important.

Red sox may or may not increase payroll, may or may not increase ticket prices, may or may not miss the playoffs again next season. Super. Good press conference.

A happy Rosh Hashanah to all my friends who celebrate.

Spike Lee pretend to be a Liberty fan now?

Best bet for the weekend: Pats going to get their teeth kicked in by a man named ‘Snoop’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Come And Get Your Love.

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9/25/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 23, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Any time you can needlessly accelerate your coaching succession plan by two years you have to do it.

The best NFL broadcasts come from the website where I buy $3 knockoff USB chargers that may or may not catch fire.

Anyone who used “Woj Bomb” unironically is an asshole.

I’ve thought about starting my day watching the Vince McMahon documentary. But not sure I have it in me this early.

It’s not a rivalry if the same side keeps winning!.

Is it me or is there a ton of injuries already this NFL season?

Major Red Sox uniform news: The Red Sox will unveil a City Connect 2.0 uniform in 2025 and will no longer wear their blue alternate jerseys. Given the popularity of the yellow uniforms, they have elected to keep it as a core uniform offering for the foreseeable future.

Cakes are cooking for Michael Douglas, Gil Morgan, Cheryl Tiegs, Anson Williams, Pedro Almodovar, Burleigh Drummond, Mark Hamill, Bob McAdoo, Jimmy Garvin, Jamie Hyneman, Michael Madsen, Scottie Pippen, Will Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, David Weathers, Dean Ween, Doug Pelfrey, John Lynch, Bridgette Wilson, Matt Hasselbeck, Chauncey Billups, Rocco Baldelli, Jason Bergmann, Van Hansis, and Cade Cunningham.

What does it say about Emerald Square that a herd of bulls at a carnival there couldn’t get out of the place fast enough?

‘Mirror in the Slideshow ‘ sounds like a Taylor Swift album title.

Tatum gets shit on for everything he does but tattooing a picture of yourself onto your back is wild.

One cheer for the 2024 Red Sox for refusing to quit now despite having previously quit a whole bunch of times.

On Saturday, September 28 only, Red Line Braintree Branch diversion will be expanded to include Ashmont Branch. This allows crews to take advantage of construction equipment in the area to remove a speed restriction on Ashmont Branch.

Should I invest in one entity that historically has never lost money or should I invest in the other entity that has rehab programs akin to alcoholism and drug abuse?

Looks like Mercury Morris’s perfect record of being alive is finally over.

Local 26 Hotel Workers putting on a good display outside the Omni Hotel the last couple days. They’ve had people holding the line overnight. Love a good picket line.

Oh no, Old Friend Trent Brown strained his left fat.

Minority position, I know, but Tanner Houck needs a pitch count like a turtle needs a microphone. In the last two years he has been taken out of countless games when he was pitching great. What he needs is a manager who will tell him “Keep pitching; you’re doing great.”

I’m sorry, Jey Uso is popular, but he isn’t Jeff Hardy popular.

“Wheel of Fortune” puzzles went from ‘Alice In Wonderland’ to ‘Say homes, how’s it hangin’, bruh?’.

You’re right, Bill Belichick sucks. Let the fat fucking deli loser handle things.

Bulletin, Bulletin, Bulletin!!! The semi-functional Shohei Ohtani is piling on. He now is 6/6 with 3 HR, 2 SB and 10 RBI.
We’re not worthy.

Hey gang of the marginally employed, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Settle down, you fat retard, and go get Adam Jones his Ensure.”

I’m following Depeche Mode on Twittah. Not sure when that happened.

Darnold appears to have escaped an initial injury scare. Massive collective sigh of relief from the 612.

Reiss is only 5’2″–are we sure he can carry that much water?

Fun fact: Today has exactly 12 hours of daylight.

Make a wish baby
Well and I will make it come true
Make a list baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk now
In lettin’ my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew…

O’Brien and Youk talking endlessly about hot dogs? Make it stop.

Jrue might also have a tattoo of himself on his back. But how would we know?

Honk if you remember Miss Jean.

Dickie V has so much radiation in him they should call him Chernobyl.

Those Emerald Square bulls were five years too late to ransack the Skycrepers kitchen.

THE BUTCHIE isn’t real and cannot hurt you.

Have we lost perspective on what torn cartilage in your rib cage must feel like?

With the loss of the Athletics, there will be even less there there in Oakland as there was previous.

News Item: Brad Marchand has shed his red noncontact jersey for Bruins practice.

The Padres are the first team in MLB history to turn a triple play to end a game on the day they clinched a postseason berth. Only in baseball, Danny.

Rescue: Hi Surf cancelled yet?

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox do not win eight in a row and get right back in it.

“So, uh, how bout those bulls in ah, North Attleboro? Didja see that? That chain link fence was more porous, no, er, it was less effective in stopping, erk, them than the Patriots O-Line! Ha. Speaking of steers, try the teriyaki beef skewers. My son is a Marine.“

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up The Pieces.

*And a happy Birthday to actress Heather Locklear.*

9/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

So there. For the 5th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.

Keith Smith; your time is now.

Jay Glazer dresses like a coke dealer in Munchkinland.

Sway my way, don’t come undone.

Congratulations Joe Castiglione on having an impact on Don Orsillo’s incredible career.

The player who seemingly concussed Tua Tagovailoa was Bills safety Damar Hamlin, who ironically died but was brought back to life on a football field two years ago.

Owen Pence is absolutely right. Why hasn’t the WNBA commissioner cured online racism yet?

Mike Reiss’ act was out of fear of Bill. That’s all.

Cakes are cooking for Scotty Bowman, Frankie Avalon, Alex Stepney, Otis Sistrunk, Ken Brett, Kerry Livgren, Darryl Sittler, Rick Pitino, Billy Sims, Peter Stastny, Ryne Sandberg, Martin Beedle, Ricky Bell, Toni Kukoč, Aisha Tyler, Jada Pinkett Smith, Lance Armstrong, Xzibit, Jason Sudeikis, Ronaldo, Alison Lohman, and Annette Obrestad.

Boston Globe Pitchbot makes Civil War Andrew Luck look like Richard Pryor.

Was Assistant Wide Receivers Coach Tiquan Underwood okay with waiving practice squadder Jalen Reagor?

OTOH, Wojnarowski was a sketchy, sniveling horse trader. Good riddance.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “At least be good looking if you are going to be so awful.”

Paying $13.50 for terrible sports-writing is what TRUE masculinity looks like.

Have never been the biggest Dwight Howard fan, but you cannot deny how impressive he was tonight on “Dancing With The Stars.”

Orange Line Update: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a signal problem near Wellington. Trains may stand by at stations.

I think the Mike Reiss thing has to do with Patricia. He got really animated when they played a clip of Bill on Brady’s podcast claiming Patricia laid the foundation for the Lions o-line. That then led into Reiss’s need for an apology about the offense the past 2 seasons. These media slobs really hate Patricia. I think the fact that the scribes see Bill “bad mouthing” people now and they are desperate for him to turn on Patricia – which will never happen. It’s all sour grapes and bunched panties.

What I’m going to miss most about Woj is ruining draft picks by tweeting them 5 minutes before they announce them on TV.

Nice work, Team USA winning the Solheim Cup.

Is there a functional mechanism by which MLB could force the White Sox owner to sell the team?

Nothing says the end of summer like a $7 pint of blueberries.

Dive into the technology behind modern stand collar sweatshirts. Learn about advanced fabrics that offer moisture-wicking, breathability, and thermal insulation.

Sources: Patriots are ruling LB Oshane Ximines, OG Sidy Sow, OT Vederian Lowe, and LB Ja’Whaun Bentley OUT for TNF. They will not travel to East Rutherford for the Jets game. In addition, C David Andrews, OT Mike Onwenu, S Jabrill Peppers, and DE Deatrich Wise are being ruled QUESTIONABLE.

Wyc Grousbeck is the definition of what a team owner should be and how they should operate.

Mike McDaniel makes Deuce Tatum look like Bill Duke.

I may not be what the kids refer to as a, “gamer”. But I can still bear Super Mario World for SNES quickly without dying once. And I can beat Mike Tyson’s Punch Out for NES without being KO’d a single time. Take that, young dweebs.

So, Honeycomb, won’t you be my baby?
Well, Honeycomb, be my own.
Got a hank o’ hair and a piece of’ bone.
They made a walkin’, talkin’ Honeycomb.
Well, Honeycomb, won’t you be my baby?
Well, Honeycomb, be my own.
What a darn good life when you got a wife
Like Honeycomb.

There won’t be another Woj. The sports industry has adapted to his presence in mere hopes of making more like him, but he’s the GOAT.

Hockey is right around the corner. Sara Civian remains a free agent.

Chappell Roan tells The Face that she has tried the Hailey Bieber Erewhon smoothie.

Sugar Frosted Chocolate Bombs >>> “CoCoBombs”

Honk if you remember John Garabedian.

Mike McDaniel is gonna dress more and more like a Serbian gangster until this thing gets turned around.

The level of narcissism exhibited by Elle Duncan should require hospitalization.

With this release of Thompkins, it clear to me The Patriots are set to move on from Brady.

I’m putting glitter on a pumpkin. Sorry, loser.

The WNBA is headed back to Portland, with Oregon’s biggest city getting an expansion team that will begin play starting in 2026.

I say this every year, but the first few weeks of the NFL are always a dumpster fire. Ugh.

Best bet for the weekend: Don Sweeney dispatching scouts to the Orient to look into sumo wrestlers as a Plan C.

I’ll tell you what the only thing faster than ‘Mondre out there today were those fighter planes! Hahahaha did you see those? Wow. Anyway I want to be truthfully honest with you all right now. All 29 coaches and Robyn will be joining a Teams meeting at 9 AM sharp to discuss Jacoby. How does that man feel? A 27-step drop back and a 13 yard sack? The man needs to be lifted up. And we will be doing that. Anyway there are Crumbl cookies and Hoodsie cups in the back for you all! Much love.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It must have been something you said.

*And Happy Birthday to British model and actress Keeley Hazell.*

9/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*“You don’t leak to Van Natta about me; I leak to Van Natta about YOU!”*

But did it feeeel like a win? Not so sure.

Tyreek Hill’s ongoing audition for a future season of ‘American Sports Story’ is going great.

You know it’s a big game when you hear the smooth sound of Noah Eagle.

I envy how comfortable Steve Perrault always looks.

The Hall could probably be persuaded to put Robert in if he’d end his rhetoric.

I can’t believe Clay Travis hired the Super 70’s Sports guy. Ok, I can.

People say there aren’t enough black baseball players anymore. They’re all on the TBS pregame show.

I’d like the captains patches more if they were the colors of the team. Why the same colors for all NFL teams? Patriots should be blue, red, silver, white…no yellow.

Is the Boston PWHL team named Fleet because of the building contractors?

Cakes are cooking for Brian DePalma, Lola Falana, Mickey Hart, Amy Madigan, Tommy Shaw, Jeff Sluman, Don Slaught, Scott Patterson, Robert Wren, Elizabeth Daily, Virginia Madsen, Kristy McNichol, Ellis Burks, Victor Wooten, Graeme Obree, Moby, Harry Connick, Jr, Maria Bartiromo, Taraji P. Henson, Mack Strong, Richard Ashcroft, Shelton Quarles, Jon Buckland, Ludacris, Ed Reed, Jacoby Ellsbury, Elizabeth Henstridge, and Tyler Hoechlin.

Diana Ross – Upside Down >> all the songs that sampled it.

Just remember, if Mayo turns out to be a good coach it’s because Robert Kraft saw something in him. If he turns out to be a bad coach, look to the coaching tree.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I must hear something described as “the elephant in the room” twice a week. That’s 100 elephants in the room. How many elephants can you really fit in a room do you think?

Getting a microphone tattoo is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Might as well wear a shirt that says, “ask me about being in sports.”

Hey gang with a benevolence association, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “redirected to the ground.”

The only snakes I know of are those of Set and his cursed towers. Their evil has spread to every city. Two or three years ago it was just another snake cult, now…RIP James Earl Jones.

Agency news: KLUTCH Sports Group has acquired Ballengee Football, adding its agents including Rick Roberts, Martin Fischman and Don Weatherall and 20+ clients including Malik Nabers, Patrick Queen and Travis Etienne, to their emerging roster. This move follows the acquisitions of ROOF and Rep 1 Baseball earlier this year.

I’m home today playing Borderlands and I have to wonder…do the Vault Hunters have a Union?

Football isn’t my favorite sport but man, it really is the best-looking game on TV.

Weird fences make weird neighbors.

Why can’t Dave Grohl go the Shank route and pretend it never happened? Is it because people have a hard time believing two different women would go to bed with the CHB willingly?

In the timbers of Fennario,
The wolves are runnin’ ’round.
The winter was so hard and cold,
Froze ten feet ‘neath the ground.

Don’t murder me.
I beg of you, don’t murder me.
Please, don’t murder me.

I sat down to my supper.
‘Twas a bottle of red whisky.
I said my prayers and went to bed.
That’s the last they saw of me.

Since 1962 the Dodgers have won six NL MVP Awards. The New York Mets have won none. I’m kind of thinking maybe this should be the year?

Lucy Wrights, just winging it. ‘One Take Lucy’, they call her.

The frozen breakfast sandwich people must be in cahoots with the paper towel manufacturers.

The Red Sox are making a mockery of George Herman Fruith’s career!

The Echoes slept through their wake up call in South Bend.

Sarah Spain thinks Van Morrison was writing about b-holes in 1967?

I ain’t calling some other dude Swagu.

YouTube Belichick is great. But it raises the question, what did they do with the other half of Matt Patricia? Deep dive conversational format is actually what I think Brady would be better suited for than color analyst.

Honk if you remember Rod Rust’s hapless Patriots squad.

Man, both sides. Amirite?

YOU fell for the Al Horford retirement announcement hoax! You did! You did!

PSA: the new linkin park clips don’t sound weird because of her singing, they sound weird because all the songs are in new (higher) keys. For sure a factor that should have been considered, but I think she sounds pretty good and now a bunch of young fans get to see them

WooSox manager Chad Tracy said that Mickey Gasper tweaked his back packing up his things after being optioned from Boston back to Worcester.

Won’t someone please think about the Sports Hub producers who were heartlessly let go? No? Okay.

John Tomase. Writing about the Patriots. NBCS Boston doesn’t get nearly the hate they should.

Red Sox refuse to die. But also refuse to put together a winning streak.

Best bet for the weekend: Trust falls in Foxboro before the breakout session.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Miserable Fellow and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Kind of a drag.

*And happy birthday to local gal done good singer/songwriter Kay Hanley.*

9/4/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 4, 2024 by scartsy15 One comment

Our long national nightmare of Katie Nolan not being on TV is over.

The Seminoles got wicked Sturrowed! #lol

Jarren Duran being the only guy to not tap out is quite the 180 from two years ago.

Jerod sooo wanted to wear a C as a player.

Johnny Gaudreau seemed to be too nice a guy to have gone to BC. Very sad.

My fantasy football draft strategy? Just vibes.

Cakes are cooking for Ken Harrelson, Ray Floyd, Tom Watson, Martin Chambers, Blackie Lawless, Khandi Alexander, George Hurley, Damon Wayans, John Vanbiesbrouck, Tomas Sandström, Mike Piazza, Ione Skye, Wes Bentley, Pat Neshek, Beyoncé, Hildur Guðnadóttir, Kaillie Humphries, and Olha Kharlan.

Additionally, Brother John Irons is also entitled to a cake today.

Red Line Reminder: September 6-29 No Train service between JFK/UMass and Braintree due to track work. Commuter Rail alternatives are available. Shuttle buses will not service JFK/UMass.

What made you think Jaylen got hacked? Weird tweets?

Hard to believe a health nut like (checks notes) Fatman Scoop just collapsed like that. RIP.

I need to know who the IU and Purdue are of the ACC.

The most effective fly swatter I have ever tried is a rolled-up bath towel. The hitting surface is like ten times larger than fly swatter, and it tends to stun them without smashing them and creating little blood spots.

Do you guys remember how fun it used to be to ask questions?

Hey gang of accountability experts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “a frustrated Rafael Devers sat with a bat for about 40 minutes staring into his locker.”

Triston Casas exists within a vibe and the vibeless cannot stand him for it.

Who is your personal favorite San Diego Padres prospect who never really made it? Someone who never reached Majors or never got much opportunity to play. I’ll go with Dennis Tankersley. So close to Eck! Had to root for him. But he did nothing to earn more opportunity.

Every time Joe Furey is on TV it seems like the first time ever.

Maybe the racially ambiguous bull dykes shouldn’t goon up on the nice white lady? Just a thought.

Brian Kelly looks like a general contractor that’s always bringing you bad news.

Count me among the Tiafoe fans. Love the way he plays tennis.

Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I’ll be listening to the cicadas, and I’ll get lost in thought and remember that the Boston Celtics won the 2024 NBA Finals and have the most titles in NBA history.

Now look at the people
In the streets, in the bars
We are all of us in the gutter
Some of us are looking at the stars
Look ’round the room
Life is unkind
We fall but we keep gettin’ up
Over and over and over…

Me and you, every night, every day.
We’ll be together always this way.
Your eyes are blue like the heavens above.
Talk to me darlin’, with a message of love.

Denver Broncos and two-time Pro-Bowl CB Patrick Surtain ll reached agreement today on a four-year, $96 million extension that includes $77.5 million guaranteed, now making him the highest-paid defensive back in NFL history. Tory Dandy of CAA negotiated the deal.

Katie Nolan won’t stop until she’s fired from every sports outlet in North America.

Franklin Park Zoo lights: Super cool.

The current condition of Ponkapoag must have Donald Ross rolling around in his grave.

Taylor Mathis doesn’t realize she could walk around reading the ingredients for raisins and her followers would not give a hoot. Not one hoot.

Honk if you remember Tom Tupa scoring the first 2-point conversion in NFL history.

Oh yeah, Chris Gasper. There’s your answer.

News Item: Former Patriots wide receiver Danny Amendola joining ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

When selling a home, I tell all my clients, “Hide your Fluff.”

Except for hockey, the C on the jersey always triggers me. It was so lame when Varitek wore it, and the NFL gays it up another level with the stars, always loved that Bill wouldn’t allow it. It’s just another reminder how the Kraft’s are hellbent on distancing themselves from the greatest coach of all time. Complete loser asshole behavior.

Chris Sale was doing his best impression of Eric Idle in European Vacation last year and now he’s pitching like a gentile Koufax.

Best bet for the weekend: Tennessee Volunteer Charles Davis handling Tennessee Volunteer Jerod Mayo with kid gloves during Sunday’s broadcast.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Lebron and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Message of love.