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01/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Congratulations to the Ohio State Football team for being the first six seed to ever win the National Championship Tournament.

Kirk riling up the useless Patriots beat writers into frantic activity is hilarious.

If Ted Johnson thought he had CTE before, just wait!

It’s Washington D.C. vs. Philadelphia in a battle of cities in which I don’t want to stop at red lights. And for NFC supremacy!

It’s funny because there was a television show also called Drake and Josh. No, wait, That’s actually not funny.

You’ve got the football acumen of Andy Hart, Ted Johnson’s sense of humor, and Fitzy’s encyclopedic knowledge of Beantown! What can go wrong?

Lifshatz had the Ainge deal days ago, bro.

Worst Irish ass kicking since the Easter Rising back in 1916.

Cakes are cooking for George Siefert, Steve Perry, Teddy Gentry, Karen Moe, John Wesley Shipp, Steve Riley, Linda Blair, Jeff Treadway, Stojko Vrankovic, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Diane Lane, Steven Adler, Ecaterina Szabo, Guy Fieri, Olivia d’Abo, Alex Ross, Bucky Brooks, Balthazar Getty, Chone Figgins, Ben Moody, Willa Ford, Jason Peters, Ben Eager, Leon Powe, Greg Oden, and Caitlin Clark.

The Bruins gutted out and won that MLK Day matinee to honor Willie O’Ree.

Ryan Day looks like Arby’s in human form.

If Jeff Howe gets one more fake malady he’ll turn into a white broad, forced to scroll WebMD for all eternity.

Herbstreit crying in the booth is embarrassing.

Hey gang of WX’ers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Cold enough for ya? Hey; at least it’s not snowing!”

Al Qaeda is funnier and has less turnover than EEI afternoons.

What can I say about Tom McVie that those that knew who he was, and what he did haven’t already said? RIP.

Kirk Gibson cleared it and landed at the far end of the lumber yard across the street.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Can you OD on antidepressants?

The Celtics struggling against bad teams but then beating a good (if depleted) Golden State squad doesn’t concern me because there probably won’t be many bad teams making the playoffs.

‘Puka Nacua is the closest thing to Jesus Christ I will ever see in my lifetime.’ -Middsy Middleton

E-L-G-S-E-S!!

Why am I being told I cannot attend Medical School in Canada?

Time is quickly running out for teams with vacancies to pounce on proven commodity Jerod Mayo.

The only thing Mark Daniels has ever broken is poor Bill Bendetson’s heart.

“I don’t love all the Josh McDaniels screens” should be met with a Lacey Underall, “I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.”

Skeleton Crew wasn’t Andor or early Mandolorian (and it wasn’t trying to be), but it was easily some of the best Star Wars content we’ve gotten in a very long time.

I want to start a GoFundMe for Mike Lombardi to get a proper haircut.

Bring Romeo Crennel out of retirement for DC! If he’s still alive.

‘Executive Vice President of Football Business’ always sounded like Jonathan made the title up on the spot.

Albert Breer has more arrests than he has broken stories.

Live, baby live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
Mmm, perfect moments
But so impossible to refuse

Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises

Got a hold on you
A new sensation (a new sensation)
Right now
It’s gonna take you over
A new sensation (a new sensation)

Puns used to be the lowest from of humor, until the advent of the ‘same name!’ gag.

MegO went from Jonesy castoff to Celtics insider. She knows things.

‘Brady vs. Belichick: The Verdict.’ That sounds like a sensible use of my finite time on Earth.

Select 2025 Red Sox single game tickets are on sale this week!

Ryan Day looks like what you’d get if Lou Merloni and Dakota from Braintree had a kid.

Congratulations to John Karalis for announcing that he is transitioning in this current environment. Stunning and brave.

Ben Johnson has dull, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

BBWAA ballot reveals and my eyes roll back so far they landed 565 feet away.

Honk if you remember R. Budd Dwyer.

Baseball without Bob Uecker is kind of like a birthday cake with no frosting.

Vrable is the new Bellycheck.

Jeff Darlington misusing a program intended for low-income families pays $2.10.

All of Kendra Middleton’s rebuttals to people disagreeing with her are just calling them unfuckable pussies. Way to raise the bar for women, Steinem.

Best bet for the weekend: the former NFL official on the broadcast team agrees with the on-field call.

*‘So long Robyn. We’ll always have the memories. And this new mural.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rag Mama rag, I can’t believe its true. Rag Mama rag, what did you do? I crawled up to the railroad track. Let the 4: 19 scratch my back.

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliveria.

01/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

So long, Coach Mayo. Congratulations on a job, done.

The Patriots are interviewing Mamadou Ndjaiye for the head coaching position tonight from 8:00-8:05.

Bruins need a shakeup.

Dianna Russini is getting scoops left and right while Jeff Howe is having fake mini strokes and manifesting moles.

What weird thing will Jerry Thornton tweet out today?

Man, the Bills have become the smart franchise, and we have become the Bills. We’re teetering on becoming the Jets.

I know all he’d talk about is fashion and Broadway musicals but would Gasper satisfy the Rooney Rule?

So this Joy Whatever apparently fucked her way to the top of the Women in Sports ladder, and I had never heard her name before yesterday? And she had a real “in sports” gig and completely set the movement back 50 years by sleeping her way in. Brava, Joy.

Remember that thing Phil Perry did? No? Exactly.

Only the best and brightest people analyze professional wrestling.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley Bassey, Bob Eubanks, Boris Vallejo, Little Anthony, John Podesta, John McTiernan, Harriet Sansom Harris, Mike Reno, Rey Misterio Sr., Chris Marion, Hiromi Kobayashi, Michelle Forbes, Willie Anderson, Ami Dolenz, Brian Johnson, Paul Carey, Jeff Abercrombie, Billy Joe Hobert, Jason Giambi*, Brandie Burton, Vitali Yachmenev, Rachel Nichols, Jeff Francis, Gaby Hoffman, Kim Jong-Un*, Jeff Francoeur, and Cynthia Erivo.

Covid did away with the ‘bag your own candy’ section of the supermarket.

Watched Wicked last night and it was a blast. The 2:40 running time flew by. Couldn’t believe Ariana Grande was that friggin’ hilarious. The songs were killer. And the themes were universal like they were in TWoO. Definitely have a re-watch in the future.

‘New England had the worst roster in the league!’ is a thing people are just saying now, like, ‘Miami has a population of 17 million people.’

Green Line E Branch: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a disabled train at Ball Square. Trains may stand by at stations.

Tactical spork!

Skip Bayless running the ol’ Ernie Boch Jr, “Boy oh boy do I love having hot, penis into vagina sex! With women!” play.

Hey gang of functional illiterates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Why they ain’t been did it?”

Michael Vick was the greatest running QB ever. He also might have as the strongest arm in the league. I saw he Tear two defensive players ACLs on one play.

If you really wanna get your blood boiling on a Saturday, go to COSTCO first thing in the morning.

Joy having a bunch of thirst trap picture is great too, because every time the “in sports” people get called on that they pretend one thing isn’t related to the other.

I fondly remember going to see dozens of highly-touted Red Sox draft picks flounder at McCoy.

The best bang for anyone’s buck at the grocery store is a box of microwave popcorn. Tell me I’m wrong.

My blood pressure has dropped 50 points since I decided to (metaphorically) embrace Upton instead of hating him.

“Joy, because of you, my son wants to be a woman. In sports.” – Magic Johnson

Provolone makes up 2.5% of the cheese produced in the U.S. with 370 million pounds of provolone made in 2023.

When the best player in the world is just across the bridge, you get your ass to the barn.

Dude, it’s VrabEL.

Jerod Mayo. When you need a win he loses and when we need a loss he wins. It’s like he’s working undercover for another NFL organization!

Bootlegging boozer on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just about to call up the DA man
When I heard this woman singin’ a song

A pair of 45s made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise

She was a long cool woman in a black dress
‘Bout a 5’9″, beautiful, tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
‘Cause that long cool woman had it all.

I applied self-tanner yesterday and it’s very mild but oh man am i so back baby i wasn’t depressed i just was pale.

Mean ol’ Bill better not leaved all those HS seniors and collegiate student-athletes in the lurch!

Loved Nosferatu. Didn’t love spending $6 on a bottle of water.

There are people who actually purchased Bailey Zappe Patriots jerseys…you know who you are.

I had a grilled cheese and a PB&J smoothie for dinner. Truly living the best life.

Honk if you remember Larry Storch.

If you’re going to be one of these smarmy in sports cvnts you cannot look like a Star Wars background character.

“Peanut butter skin” is a phrase I’ve never heard before.

The Patiots placement near the top of the 2025 Draft order opens many interesting scenarios given the high probability of them trading back to fill multiple needs & and also staying open to a variety of trade proposals—including for name players that other teams need to be move for cap reasons.

Pro Tip: Don’t wear that tan suit from your wedding in your business profile pic.

Where does that Rear Admiral get all that energy?

Bob Veale was kind of the National League’s Sudden Sam McDowell. Both were BIG, left-handed fireballers who were wild enough to make you nervous, same era, and Pittsburgh/Cleveland. Veale was probably a hair better than Sam, but a lot the same.

Bob’s a liar, Jerod knew.

That’s two trash days in a row it was too windy to put the recycling bin on the curb.

Does Vrioni even speak French?

I’m glad they gave that nice Katie Nolan another chance to grab the brass ring.

Best bet for the weekend: Mahomes doubtful for the bye week with a nagging injury.

*Is Coco Higgins available to be interviewed for any and all NFL head coaching vacancies?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t step on my blue suede shoes.

*And happy birthday to child actress & now musician Jenny Lewis.*

12/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 26, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.

Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.

My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.

Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.

Milt Pappas is a great name.

So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’

Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.

Pneumonia is psychosomatic.

You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.

I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.

Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.

Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”

Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.

Wait, what?

Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.

Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).

I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.

Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.

Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.

I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”

not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.

Lobsters aren’t fish.

I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.

When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.

I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!

The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.

Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.

Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?

I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.

Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Shalise Manza Young,
Shalise Manza Young.
She’s not with her family
she’s in Foxboro,
watching Patrick Chung.

Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young
She went into the baño,
Oh, what have they done?

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
It’s just a shame when somebody pisses,
On the seat where the chica sits-es,
And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!

Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.

Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”

Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.

Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.

Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.

19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.

Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.

I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.

Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.

Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.

*Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.

*And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.*

12/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill’s going to quickly learn that you do not simply walk into the JMA Wireless Dome.

Pasta. Such the good kid.

Garrett Crochet is a Red Sox. Can he also DH?

In a serious country Jerod Mayo would be beaten with hammers.

This might shock you but Bill Simmons has a dumb idea for solving a problem that doesn’t exist.

The Red Zone waiting countdown music sounds like a Pokemon Tournament.

A broken unemployed loser is right twice a day.

It’s awful the Celtics offensive philosophy has led to more than four times as many wins as losses.

Cakes are cooking for Jacques Pépin, Keith Richards, Steven Spielberg, Elliot Easton, John Webster, Brian Orser, Brad Pitt, Charles Oakley, Steve Austin, Tommy Davidson, Bob Corkum, Casper Van Dien, Joe Randa, Rob Van Dam, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, Neil Little, DJ Lethal, Peter Boulware, Trish Stratus, Katie Holmes, Christina Aguilera, Fernando Jara, Ashley Benson, Barbora Krejčíková, and Billie Eilish.

Ty Cobb was born today too. He was set in his ways.

“Van Pelt didn’t even know I insulted him!” isn’t as compelling a defense as Jerod Mayo thinks.

My feed is dominated by lists and polls, probably because I’ve interacted with a couple of them along the way. The AI somehow got the wrong idea and thinks I want to go steady. I mean, when a baseball site wants my opinion on Larry vs. LeBron, you know X has gone off the rails.

Hey gang of beta males, this week’s Phrase that Pays is. “Yeah…I’ll type hashtag alpha, that’ll show him.”

I just bought 4 Austin Blaske jerseys for the family.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a disabled train near Wood Island. Trains may stand by at stations.

“Chapel Bill.” Get it? Get it?

Pat Chung; bad boyfriend, great player and teammate.

In 2018, 2019, 2022 and 2023, Alex Bregman had more walks than strikeouts. Last year his walk rate dropped by 50%, K/W rate was 2-1. How do we explain that?

News Item: Iowa women’s basketball announced Caitlin Clark will see her number in the rafters on February 2, 2025.

Mayo thinks he’s reassuring people by telling them he talks to the owners multiple times a day.

Football Overlord? Is Charley Casserly available?

I want everyone here to read Football Cat’s NFL Picks or else risk winding up on the Naughty List.

Substitution, mass confusion
Clouds inside your head
Involving all my energies
Until you visited
With your eyes of porcelain and of blue
They shock me into sense
You think you’re so illustrious
You call yourself intense

It’s an orangy sky
Always it’s some other guy
It’s just a broken lullaby
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love-ov-ov-ove.

Calling the doctor’s office or pharmacy and selecting the healthcare provider option is my toxic trait.

Food Fact: While the cut for a standing rib roast is often referred to as “prime rib”, the USDA does not require the cut to be derived from USDA Prime grade beef.

These drones are a fucking IQ test and we are failing.

The UVM coach can finally shave his mustache.

Love the fire departments lighting trees on fire to show the dangers of real trees, maybe even more than when they blow the hands off mannequins with M80’s in advance of the Fourth of July.

That bitch is puffy.

Honk if you remember who the survivors were from The Dirty Dozen.

Bill finally got PEPPAHS.

I’ll never understand companies like Coca-Cola & now Target using polar bears to try to sell stuff. They will 100% eat the face of any marketing target they encounter. They don’t care if you buy [whatever]. We’re their food, if given the chance. Who thought that could be cute?

Why couldn’t Time Magazine have named the entire WNBA the Athlete of the Year?

The Hess Truck can’t possibly be back and better than ever every single year.

Mac Jones may need to be placed in a medically induced coma.

I wonder if Navy Football calls that fake punt they ran in the win over Army a ‘Jap play.’ Probably not.

Enjoy your stupid Emirates NBA Cup, Milwaukee.

Best bet for the weekend: parking wicked far away from the mall.

*Vermont Catamounts. National Champions. Pretty neat.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You’re not the only one with mixed emotions.

*And happy birthday to Mythbuster’s Kari Byron.*

12/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Mark Dondero will be visited by three spirits on Christmas. It will be his highest-rated show ever.

I was told Adam Hart’s relevance wasn’t tied to Belichick.

So I guess it would be fair to suggest that Foxboro and Mansfield left it all on Martinelli Field on Turkey Day? Still, congrats to our lone champion, North Attleboro, but also thanks to Mansfield, Foxboro and King Philip for their outstanding seasons. On to courts and rinks.

Drew Carter actively tried to get Scalabrine fired by asking him why Jay Huff is sneaky athletic.

The performative outrage about Aroldis Chapman didn’t last very long.

Pam Oliver looks like Roscoe Lee Brown with a weave.

Bruins done got Winnipegged.

I still think Dartmouth and not University Park when I hear ‘SMU.’

The Parkers giving their kid a zeppelin for Christmas of ‘40 is kinda problematic. Was the Old Man a Lindbergh guy?

Bet Bryan wishes he just admitted to being Jake.

Cakes are cooking for Rita Moreno, David Gates, Donna Mills, John Kerry, Brenda Lee, Lynda Day George, Brad Bryant, Jermaine Jackson, Stu Jackson (no relation), Mike Mesaros, Nikki Sixx, Lisa Gastineau, Mary Beth Zimmerman, Darryl Jones, Mike Henneman, Ben Browder, Cosy Sheridan, Dave Gagner, Dave Schools, Justin Currie, Thomas Howard, Jay Bell, Martin Blunt, DJ Yella, Mo’Nique, Sean Grande, Errict Rhett, Willie McGinest, Daniel Alfredsson, Mos Def, Rey Mysterio, Gerben de Knegt, Rider Strong, Zacky Vengance, Samantha Ponder, and Malcolm Brogdon.

I’m hearing that The Civ Report is doing Girl at the Game type numbers!

No buzz in here about the MLB draft lottery??

Being from Roslindale and ending up in Randolph is like being born on 2nd base and ending up on 1st.

The Hawk Tuah Girl’s cybercurrency thing wasn’t called, ‘SpitCoin?’ No wonder it crashed.

Orange Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem near Wellington.

What a collection of talent we have. We’re the fucking LA Dodgers of trolls, except all the money is deferred forever.

When an official gets hurt, I think the broadcast referee expert should suit up and take his spot.

Still not sure I can trust a guy named Ollie.

Hey gang of talentless journeymen, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “”I’m on my fourth team in five years. I think I know a little something about how the NFL works, Troy.”

Dart Adams? Still boring.

My current belief is that Gemini sometimes runs real simulations, but sometimes reports the results of hallucinated simulations. Which is obviously a problem.

I just found a bargain on a Canucks shirt on Fanatics.

Accidentally made my nephew cry by telling him I saw the elf on the shelf drinking from the toilet.

No better place to rehab your damaged image from racist emails than with Barstool.

I saw Wicked and that shit bangs so hard. It fucking rocks.

Yeah, we hate our lives, not the twin slobs who mainline 14 hours of sports radio a day.

Stockton got smoked.

A yellow ESPN alert on the ticker during a football game will never not fool me that there’s a flag.

In the future, everyone will rug a memecoin for fifteen minutes.

Azzez Al-Shaair hit Trevor Lawrence like, I don’t know, a plane hitting some sort of tall building.

Seriously, though, when is the award-winning Kendra Middleton on the radio?

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.
Mistletoe hung where you can see every couple tries to stop.
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring.
Later, we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling.

You will get a sentimental feelin’
When you hear.
Voices singin’, “Let’s be jolly (ooh)
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.”

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
Everyone dancin’ merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

For 2025, Wilyer Abreu vs. Teoscar H is kind of a 50/50 proposition. Over the next 3 years, Wilyer will have twice as much value as Teoscar. Over 5 years, three times as much.

As a bit of a fragrance expert (I am a collector) I will be testing this Trump perfume out and reviewing it.

You can have your Dame Time. I’ll take my Holiday Time.

Sources: The New England Revolution are set to name Gillette as their new jersey sponsor. This deal has been in the works for some time.

Honk if you remember the JFK Lufthansa Heist.

Time for another December of ‘who the fuck are these people that sent us a Christmas card?’

You took what’s yours, Shawsheen Tech Rams.

Everything that you are involved in, please do the research and learn to educate yourself.

‘Chuck Terrific’ is the name DJ Bean uses at the glory holes.

Remember if you see standing water on the road you can probably get through it – it’s probably not as deep as you think.

Commissioner Silver’s performance as Nosferatu is Oscar-worthy.

I can’t believe that WEEI interviewed a guy who spent a month on the Patriots in 2005 as a Belichick expert. Well, I guess I can.

All the fanciest domiciles have “unit” in the address.

I have a Chinese symbol for the word foot tattooed on my foot.

Larry Fitz Senior is the black Curt Schilling.

Best bet for the weekend: the Kansas City Chiefs win by two scores for a change.

*“I asked Coach Tomlin if he expects Russell Wilson to return. He said, ‘most likely’, then blinked a lot. Back to you guys.”*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Red Six, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Just to win the love of a girl like you.

*And happy birthday to actress-singer Hailee Steinfeld.*

12/4/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 4, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

What do you say to a ballclub with two black eyes?

Mayo parlayed having the aisle seat across from Kraft on a long haul flight to being the HC of the Patriots.

Bruins kept it respectable in the Centennial Game and didn’t score nine on Montreal.

Scals 9 sweaters and sport coat isn’t hiding his juicy Bertrand’s

This is sad to see with Justin Tucker. Feels like a superhero losing all his or her powers.

‘Skatteboo’ sounds like a slur Tony Mazz didn’t know the provenance of but used anyway.

Aaron Rodgers is a puppy.

Cakes are cooking for Wink Martindale, Freddy Cannon, Terry Woods, Southside Johnny, Jeff Bridges, Pamela Stephenson, Rick Middleton, Cassandra Wilson, Dave Taylor, Bernard King, Lee Smith, Raul Boesel, Frank Reich, Danny Weinkauf, Sergey Bubka, Marisa Tomei, Veronica Taylor, Fred Armisen, Mike Barrowman, Jay-Z, Jeff Blake, Shannon Briggs, Ted Johnson, Corliss Williamson, Kristina Groves, Jelly Roll, Joe Thomas, Carlos Gomez, Sara Civian, and Kin Seok-jin.

Gatorade would be about 30% more satisfying if they switched mainly to cans. Their thick plastic bottles take forever to get cold and almost never reach the ideal temperature.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “This dude is literally about to fumble the tardwife bag and I’m so sad for him

Good cancellin’ weathah. Ahyuh.

Providence fans acted like shitheads? No way! That hasn’t happened since the last time they had a home game!

I’d say I’m more handsome than Justin Tucker. Usually a great kicker- not too easy on the eyes.

Two straight weeks of Spero Dedes. The man with the energy of the head of the Springfield Box Factory.

In 1844, the Democrats were split
The three nominees for the presidential candidate
Were Martin Van Buren
A former president
And an abolitionist
James Buchanan, a moderate
Lewis Cass, a general and expansionist
From Nashville came a dark horse riding up
He was James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Austere, severe, he held few people dear
His oratory filled his foes with fear
The factions soon agreed
He’s just the man we need
To bring about victory
Fulfill our manifest destiny
And annex the land the Mexicans command
And when the poll was cast, the winner was
Mister James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Have we considered that Aroldis’s girlfriend might have been really annoying?

Moana 2 was tremendous.

Green Line Reminder: December 6 – 20 No train service between Medford/Tufts, Union Square, and Park St due to track work. Use shuttle buses between Medford/Tufts & North Station, Use the Orange Line downtown. Shuttles will not service Union Square – Use Bus routes 86 & 91.

Honk if you remember Boston Bruins’ right wing Andy Hebenton setting a new NHL record by playing in his 581st consecutive game. Of if you heard about it.

Thinking about watching Formula 2.

The secret to making the Thanksgiving leftovers last is to not have any the very next day.

Hey, you’re not the first guy to out himself by trying to get Barstool dudes to notice them, you won’t be the last.

Helping your parents watch something on espn+ should be an Olympic event.

Great job taking what’s yours, Michigan Wolverines.

Best bet for the weekend: NBA Cup Mania!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW‘ Old Friend NASCL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

*And Happy Birthday to supermodel/actress Tyra Banks.*

11/27/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 27, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jaylen is so ripped watching him guard fatty Harden makes it look like he’s guarding Shukri Wright.

The Red Sox were in on Snell. Okay.

If you were one of those folks who took it upon themselves to put a bunch of campaign signs all over the place, I genuinely appreciate your dedication to democracy, no matter whom you backed. But it’s been a week. Go clean up your deal.

If Bill was still working for the Krafts there’s no way he’d be allowed to print in color.

Good showing, RIFC. Get ’em next time.

He’s actually a great guy, great dad, great coach. I’ve watched him break up potential fights before they happened. So instead of 2 dads spend the weekend in prison, Greg controlled the situation. He is a very nice man and a pillar of the community, he volunteers his time.

When my mom knows the Patriots’ personnel better than the offensive coordinator something is very wrong (Granted, she’s also a diehard who rocks a Hannah jersey, but still…)

You can tell that Civian hates all the unwanted attention she gets, because she continually seeks the unwanted attention.

Cakes are cooking for Kathryn Bigelow, Curtis Armstrong, Bill Nye*, William Fichtner, Caroline Kennedy, Mike Scioscia, Steve Oedekerk, Charlie Benante, Mike Bordin, Fisher Stevens, Robin Givens, Fiachna O’Braonáin, Garry Valk, Nick Van Exel, Jon Runyan, Martin Gramatica, Chad Kilger, Jaleel White, Jimmy Rollins, Ricky Carmichael, Alison Pill, Lashana Lynch, and Omar Jimenez.

Yams and sweet potatoes are interchangeable and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Right-hand catching goalies always look like they’re playing with borrowed equipment haha. But Askarov having nice debut for SJ.

Did you see Football Cat’s Picks? Well why not?

I know this is simple math, but doesn’t Hardy-Weinberg equilibrium follow from expansion of the generating function (p*x + q*y)^2? Allele frequency remaining constant follows from renormalization, as expected number of x alleles is 2p and y alleles is 2q.

If you consider the old Browns and the Ravens to be the same franchise, then all 32 NFL franchises have spent at least one week in last place of DVOA since 1979.

Blue Line Update: Normal service has resumed between Wonderland and Orient Heights.

Is Sacco up to the awesome responsibility of coaching the Centennial Game?

Kadlick/Kyles is the new Paxton/Pullman.

Is Frosty Bias on Bluesky? I need assurances that I’ll be reminded daily that Reggie Lewis and Len Bias are dead.

Hey gang of amphibious Spaniards! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I would tongue that ass til I tasted Fall River.”

I am not a Christmas girlie, but having siblings with kids makes it way more fun.

News Item: Bertucci’s is debuting a brand new concept, and its first location will be in Boston.

How am I the least chill guy on Twitter?!

Man, it seems like the Lions and the Cowboys play EVERY Thanksgiving!

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness
Staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red
And the wind whispers
“Mary.”

All the suckers getting to the airport early means you can get there 55 minutes before your flight leaves.

Honk if you think Ted Williams should have won the 1941and 1947 AL MVP Award.

Sam Kennedy would like you to know that the Sox are just so darn disappointed Snell decided to go with another offer but that coming this spring to America’s favorite ballpark you can get a Guy Fieri smash burger and a cup of New England’s favorite Legal Seafood chowder for only $89!

ESPN putting out playoff rankings every week that are 100% meaningless and using that as an excuse to do a segment where Paul Finebaum yells about it is terrorism.

Does the Herald still run ‘Clip’ Callahan’s HS football article every Thanksgiving?

Bit of a stumble out of the gates for UConn MBB.

Is Bill James okay?

Breaking: Daniel Jones to sign with Vikings’ practice squad after release from Giants, per sources.

Best bet for the weekend: Open Newbury: Holiday Stroll! Join us for car-free shopping and holiday fun on Sunday, December 1, and Sunday, December 8. Fun!

Anyone who false starts is *a Patriots offensive lineman. Anyone that commits holding is a well-disciplined Patriots offensive lineman.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW‘s Lazslo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You want it all, but you can’t have it (yeah, yeah, yeah) It’s in your face, but you can’t grab it (yeah, yeah, yeah)

*Jeanne Crane and friend wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.*

11/20/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 20, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

No one goes undefeated anymore. Not the Chiefs, not the Cavs. No one.

Ah, the old ‘use an Emirates NBA Cup group stage game as cover to fire the hockey coach’ trick.

Nick Pivetta declines qualifying offer, per source. You go, Breslow!

Larry Johnson, a great guy who’s been reunited with his feet in Heaven. RIP.

Carter’s best attribute is being paired with Scal.

I love when people suggest pulling the team off the floor as if anyone would ever do that.

Chris Forsberg should have a wetter voice.

Mark Daniels is a one-man ‘The Onion’ headline generator.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Smothers, Joseph Biden, Norman Greenbaum, Veronica Hamel, Joe Walsh, Jacqueline Hansen, John Bolton, Rodger Bumpass, John Van Boxmeer, Mark Gastineau, James P. McGovern, Sean Young, Ming-Na Wen, Mike D, Alex Arias, Chris Childs, Jeff Tarango, Callie Thorne, Sabrina Lloyd, Joey Galloway, Jerald Moore, Dierks Bentley, J.D. Drew, Dominique Dawes, Nadine Velazquez, Carlos Boozer, Jared Followill, and Michael Clifford.

Last week the neighbor invited me over to watch the Tyson fight. Is it 1996?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I mourn Vince Young’s career every day.”

Nashua, it’s like a baby Philadelphia.

I’ve seen very little evidence that Trey Lance is a real person.

LinkedIn is so pointless other than for cyber bullying.

Dondero is like these new age weed growers that cross pollinate strains of weed and call it like ‘Bazooka Man Vagina’ or some shit.

Dakota wasn’t wrong about loser DNA. He just had the wrong guy and not Embiid.

Pagliuca is starting to look like Joe Pesci playing David Ferry in JFK.

Does Mark Daniels have such an underbite from getting his teeth kicked in over and over?

The Commonwealth is famous for giving Sacco’s a fair shake.

Paul George did not sign a super max, nor was he eligible for one or needed one, as they are reserved for players with under 10 years of service to be able to exceed their normally limited maximum % of the team’s salary cap based on certain performance benchmarks, allowing them to then make up to 35%, instead of 25% or 30%, with 35% being what Paul George was already eligible to be paid as he had played 14 years in the National Basketball Association.

It’s fair to wonder how much Shukri’s angry video influenced Sweeney decision.

Qatar MNT superfan Alexi Lalas cosplaying as an American fan is interesting/

Ty Jerome does not jump as high as his name would imply.

We live in a tough time where it is most wise to save money, but there’s more ways than ever to spend money and everything is more expensive.

Larry Johnson was blacker than Deuce Tatum.

Denver is just a big sprawling suburb with the mountains in the background.

e in – Cuddy.

Netflix is that kid that tells 4 friends to come over his house cause his parents are away for the weekend.

Honk if you remember Bruins Head Coach Mike Sullivan.

Curran rapes Phil Perry weekly.

Neely and Sweeney will have run through Julien, Cassidy, and Montgomery yet are not on the hot seat themselves? How come?

I been in the right place
But it must have been the wrong time
I’d have said the right thing
But must have used the wrong line
I been on the right trip
But I must have used the wrong car
Head is in a bad place and I wonder what it’s good for

I been in the right place
But it must have been the wrong time
My head is in a bad place
But I’m having such a good time
I’ve been running trying to get hung up in my mind
Really got to give myself a good talking to this time

Bo Nix has been named the AFC Offensive Player of the Week. He’s the first Broncos rookie QB in franchise history to earn the award.

Maybe it’s just me, but if the game was officiated correctly, I think the Celts win by 30.

Bryan Mata and Isaiah Campbell DFA’d.

If picking up disoriented guys is a skill, give Steve Buckley the gold medal.

I’m now all-in on the Drake Maye over hype. It’s the quickest way to get Mayo fired.

Bert Breer has fetal alcohol syndrome eyes.

I’m going to work “Culture Metric” into all facets of my life.

I generally prefer Principalities over Emirates.

Argonaut Arbuckle with a backup QB performance for the ages in the Gery Cup final.

Best bet for the weekend: a speed matchup in Miami.

*May your green recliner be comfortable and your bowl of snack orbs bottomless, L*arry.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Prepare yourself, you know it’s a must. Gotta have a friend in Jesus. So you know that when you die, He’s gonna recommend you to the spirit in the sky (spirit in the sky)

*And happy birthday to actress Bo Derek.*

11/13/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 13, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Nice win out in St Louis, Bruins. Monty might still be the coach for the Centennial Game!

It’s really cruel of the NBA to introduce another title that the Knicks can’t win.

There is a better chance of the tooth fairy floating into your room tonight, kicking your ass and drinking all your beer than the Red Sox signing Juan Soto.

One does not simply walk into Bobby Dodd Stadium at Hyundai Field.

Pasta is great, but it’s not a side.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Mantegna, Roger Steen, Gilbert Perrault, Merrick Garland, Andy Ranken, Tracy Scoggins, Chris Noth, Whoopi Goldberg, Aldo Nova, Charlie Baker, Greg Abbott, Neil Flynn, Blair Rasmussen, Vinny Testaverde, Jimmy Kimmel, Mark Fitzpatrick, Pat Hentgen, Gerard Butler, John Francis Zingg, Noah Hathaway, Metta Sandiford-Artest, Asdrúbal Cabrera, Lando Norris, and Emma Raducanu.

Cavemen must have had mad hemorrhoids, wiping their hairy asses with leaves and whatnot.

Did we throw Strahan in Gitmo yet?

It’s WILD that Tommy Boy had a contest so if you could properly identify the sample used in the hook of De La Soul’s “Plug Tunin'” single back in Fall ’88 you could win $500… That’s equivalent to $1333 in 2024.

The local scribes were this excited and optimistic when last year’s Patriots team got win #3, right? Right?

BlueSky’s getting more beta. Heyooooooo!

Kevin Owens joining the Bloodline 2.0 would be so insane and I’m all for it.

That Dickerson tweet is amazing. “Just teaching my son to be an asshole to total strangers for no real reason. So proud.”

At least they don’t need to air the old man smell out of the White House now.

Hey gang, of vowel purchasers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Treat yourself to a round of sausage.”

Excited to report kids in middle school are still reading Mike Lupica books.

Quin Snyder looks like a Tom Hanks stunt double in Philadelphia.

Red Line Reminder: November 18-24 Shuttle buses replace service between Harvard & Broadway for track work. Shuttles will not directly service Park St or Downtown Crossing. Riders can board at Haymarket & State.

I thought John Basedow died in the tsunami.

Jalen Ramsey has the busiest facemask I’ve ever seen for a DB but he pulls it off.

I wasn’t going to watch the NBA Cup tournament until they debuted a new design on the ball.

We lost Carlo Imelio? Sad. Often beaten, never defeated.

Good to see Steve Kerr (who was missing Podziemski and Melton) was still able to find a way to play eleven players IN THE 1ST QUARTER(!) of the game in a sport he’s adamant you can’t do that kind of thing in.

It’s been six months
She hasn’t shut up once
I’ve tried to explain
She’s driving me insane

She won’t even miss me when she’s gone.
But that’s OK with me, I’ll cry later on.

Talk to ya later.
Don’t wanna hear it again tonight.
I’ll talk to ya later.
Just save it for another guy.
Oh, talk to ya later.
Don’t wanna hear it again tonight.
I’ll just, see you around.

Something about Mountain Dew with Chinese Food just hits.

Honk if you remember Pat Paulson.

Mookie Betts is a Silver Slugger Award winner for the fourth time with the Dodgers and seventh time in his career.

Are eggs two bucks a dozen yet?

The Bears have released veteran G Nate Davis, who they shopped prior to the trade deadline. He started 13 times over the last two seasons for them.

Have you not turned the heat on in your house yet? Let us know in the comments.

I did it. I made it not rain. I bought new wiper blades. Sorrey!

Baylor Scheierman impresses in his G-League debut.

Halloween candy at only 33% off, CVS? That’s not gonna cut it. Fifty!

It’s gonna be funny when Surgeon General RFK throws the ‘celebrity’ callers/change counters in the Guantanamo Bay Weight Loss Camp.

News Item: The Ground Round restaurant returning to Massachusetts.

Best bet for the weekend: McVay outduels Mayo on short rest.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heard it in a love song. Can’t be wrong.

*Bianca de la Garza staying hydrated at her book release party.*

11/7/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 7, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Good for Mookie. Bad for Red Sox Ownership.*

Well, Suzyn, um, in life…

No way that wasn’t an illegal screen no matter what Marc Davis and whatever Knicks or Nets fans were reviewing the play from New York thought. Shameful.

The game was over as soon as the Dodgers tied it with that five-run outburst. Falling behind for a few minutes was just a minor bump in the road. Some of you know nothing about momentum and body language and it shows

Halloween happens every time The NY Jets play.

The Pivetta qualifying offer makes perfect sense. On Bizarro World!

Lamelo Ball looks like emo John Oates.

Cakes are cooking for Johnny Rivers, Joni Mitchell, Alex Ribeiro, David Petraeus, Christopher Knight, Liam Ó Maonlaí, Calvin Borel, Andre Hastings, Emily Lesueur, Dan Houser, Yunjin Kim, Kris Benson, Tarek Salah, Marcus Luttrell, Mark Philippoussis, Mike Commodore, Will Demps, Adam Devine, Elsa Hosk, Courtney Marie Andrews, and Lorde.

The only reason Gabrielle Starr wanted to get to the press box was so she could literally look down on people instead of just figuratively.

I’m gonna glaze Wemby when he’s playing like this in May Not October.

Alley-oops from the floor? Ok, Ja! Ok!

Hey Gang of immortals, this Week’s phrase That pays is, “Sal, It’s a sports Bonanza.”

Red Line Reminder: November 5-10 Shuttle buses replace service between Broadway & North Quincy for track work. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

I’m sorry. . .who exactly has been disrespecting Tom Brady?

Absolutely stacked country new music friday last wk.

Ordway’s way of saying stuff like he’s smart but being a gigantic dummy is infuriating.

Paul Pierce’s wheelchair thought Mahomes needing two people to help him off the field was ridiculous.

I was seriously considering Switching to Rich. Alas.

Drake Maye is tall. Got a big arm.

News Item: Australian breakdancer Raygun announces retirement following viral performance at Paris Olympics.

The Bruins aren’t a .500 team.

Oh sure. Like Jason Kelce never called Travis a faggot.

She had hair like Jeannie Shrimpton back in 1965.
She had legs that never ended,
I was halfway paralyzed.
She was tall and cool and pretty, and she dressed as black as coal.
If she asked me to, I’d murder, I would gladly lose my soul.

Now I lie in bed and think of her.
Sometimes I even weep.
Then I dream of her behind the wall of sleep.

Gerrit Cole is the mentally weakest ‘Ace’ since Roger Clemens.

I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.

Honk if you remember Jeanne Zelasko.

Michael Hurley looks like a Rob Ninkovich you bought off Temu.

Run, Bobby Dalbec! Be free!

Florida has announced that it won’t be making a head coaching change and is sticking with Billy Napier.

Bucs, you should have gone for two.

I bet they’re really going to boo the next time the Warriors play in Boston.

Best bet for the weekend: Hunter Henry being dependable.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Emo Phillips, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The dark side’s coming now, nothing is real. She’ll never know just how I feel.