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04/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Soon. A little home cookin’ is what this team needs.*

It’s never a good sign when your publicity stunt is initially thought of as an April Fool’s Day prank.

Officially tuning into Devers at bats like it’s Sosa-McGwire.

If it is the University of Denver, why do they go by DU? That doesn’t make sense. What am I missing @DU_Pioneers?

I just paid $7 for a loaf of bread. I hate it here.

Starting to believe the Red Sox might actually need THE BUTCHIE.

All baseball bats are torpedo shaped.

Flexing the gift card in the photo like it’s an Audi key fob.

I feel like people who grew up without money save things for a rainy day. And it’s really an unfair system.

‘Dan Campbell but he grew up further away from power lines’ is a tough sell for me.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Smith, Emmylou Harris, Ayako Okamoto, David Robinson, Juha Kankkunen, Christopher Meloni, Keren Jane Woodward, Clark Gregg, Bill Romanowski, Greg Camp, Tammi Reiss, Roselyn Sanchez, Pedro Pascal, Adam Rodriguez, Rory Sabbatini, Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Bloom, Yung Joc, Jesse Plemons, Quavo, and Zach Bryan.

I’d like to think Parcells has as much use for a red jacket as Belichick does for an AFC championship trophy.

Isaiah Stewart needs like a hug or a role model or something.

MBTA CR – Greenbush Line trains will experience severe delays due to police activity on the right of way in the Cohasset area.

All the best hitting coaches tell you to flare your elbows, be as rigid as possible, and slide forward with every swing.

I can tell I’m turning into a curmudgeon because I hate almost every internet “trend” or gimmick or whatever. Like this dude with his ice and his banana can fuck off. I just get irrationally angry whenever I even see a banana near some ice water now.

Irons is just mad I got a free Big Gulp yesterday morning.

Original Mystique?! The chairs are cooking now!

Pretty, pretty good road trip, Celtics.

Jack Clark hit the second most impactful home run of the 1980s. Prove me wrong..

Richard Chamberlain was the Wilt Chamberlain of gay guys.

A team secretly made new bats? This like the 1983 America’s Cup all over again!

Can you brandish anything other than a weapon?

Hey now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shootin’ stars break the mold.

Needy Kraft gets the attention he craves, the local media gets their hero Duane shoehorned (tracksuited?) into the Pats HoF, it’s a Win-Win-Lose!

I once forgot to wear my shoes in the house and was limited to only five vacation weeks that year.

Honk if you remember Dennis Conner.

I know it has been a long time and nobody cares, but there is no way in hell Kevin Mitchell was more valuable than Will Clark in 1989.

NEWSMAX debuts on the New York Stock Exchange and Bianca isn’t there to ring the bell? Outrageous!

A: Store brand.

Jeff Howe still hasn’t broken the Stefon Diggs news.

Irons is just mad that his teeth aren’t the color of roasted almonds.

Why does Bill Simmons pronounce it “Mim-phis?”

I’m just saying stop bothering us with your life-altering family tragedies.

Best bet for the weekend: a #1 seed winning. Or two!

*BdlG saved her points for a rainy day.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I grew up lower middle class.

*Happy birthday as well to Serbian fitness model Jelena Abbou.*

03/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on March 26, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Diggs now has 69 million reasons to play hard for Coach Vrabes.*

Why not just make the entire city out of sports arenas?

I have referred Domantas Sabonis to Tom Homan for immediate deportation.

Need an entry to sports, other than just turning the game on? Try Katie Nolan’s newest short-lived show.

Jalen Rose was dressed like he’s the captain of a cruise liner.

On the one hand, it’s not MY money, but on the other, Diggs is on the wrong side of 30 and coming off an ACL injury.

Scal looks like he has the opposite of whatever Mookie is suffering from.

Chisholm buys the Celtics. Chisholm, MN was home to Archibald “Moonlight” Graham. You mean Doc Graham.

You sound like someone who has no streaming friends.

It’s sad to hear George Foreman died, but I’m glad it wasn’t George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, or George Foreman. No father should have to bury a son.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Woodward, Diana Ross, Steven Tyler, Fran Sheehan, Vicki Lawrence, Alan Silvestri, Martin Short, Tony Papenfuss, Leeza Gibbons, Chris Hansen, Marcus Allen, John Stockton, Kevin Seitzer, Ulf Samuelsson, Michael Imperioli, Kenny Chesney, Leslie Mann, Larry Page, Irina Spîrlea, Anaïs Mitchell, Keira Knightly, Jessica McClure, Von Miller, Paige VanZant, and Danielle Bregoli.

Ben Simmons is Australian. He has trouble when playing in the northern hemisphere.

Goats are low-key everywhere.

Overly wide pelvis is the “short arms/small hands” of the WNBA scouting report.

Hey gang of true insiders! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He’s way too leveraged. Go ask around about the deal.”

Josina Anderson tweets like a four-star general who’s been kicked in the head by a horse.

The NFL Competiton Committee now has released its proposed rule and bylaw changes, including expanding instant replay to cover “objective aspects of a play and/or to address game administration issues when clear and obvious video evidence is present.”

Cooper Flagg is going to Philly because I can’t have nice things.

Mattapan Trolley: Shuttle buses replace service from 11:30 PM to the end of service on March 26 – 27 for trackwork.

Sabonis accidentally injures a lot of people.

FYI If you like Beetlejuice, Walmart has a ton of Beetlejuice apparel on sale.

If Tyrese Proctor were a doctor he would be Doctor Proctor. And what’s more, if he was an ass doctor, he’d be a proctorologist! No applause necessary.

And it’s a free for all in the parking lot
Tell me who will rule the street
And the night explodes
When the cops bring down the heat

And the chains they crash like thunder
While the weak ones all retreat
Gotta draw first blood
Or they’ll read your funeral rights

When the lightning strikes

Have more arcane requests at the deli counter. 2/5 a pound of turkey? Get the actual fuck out of here.

There’s only room for one Pastor Pedo Defender in this town.

Honk if you remember Diego Segui.

I am begging the Red Sox to give Campbell a better # before opening day. He just isn’t a #28

Is anyone else triggered by sports figures referring to the “DNA” of a team, describing attributes that don’t have ANY similarity to DNA?

People wouldn’t be giving Coach Hurley all this guff if he were Italian.

Playboy 92 Harris Rd anytime you want that smoke.

Thanks to Celtics City i learned Dave Cowens was Shaughnessy and Ryan’s hero and basically a fucking flake. Manny with a motor and fewer dead grandmothers.

You have to leave Boston to visit Flavortown now.

If you’re asking Jim Murray for literally anything you absolutely need to kill yourself. There’s no other option.

Inviting the wrong person into a group chat? Who would do that?

Best bet for the weekend: the return of baseball (and hope) to the region.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Cool the engines. Cool the engines down.

*And happy birthday to actress Jennifer Grey, who may have had some work done.*

03/20/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on March 20, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Scheierman has the game of his life and gets Jackie Mac instead of Abby in the walk off interview.

The Pitino Redemption Arc is my favorite sports store in many a year.

Love Abby, but her doing play-by-play was a little ambitious considering she sounded scared to death to chime in occasionally during last season’s clamcast. Maybe shoulda had her sub in for a quarter or two earlier in the season.

I’ve just had delivery of 3 pizzas I did not order. I have called the police.

It’s like fucking Mardi Gras over here. Boston is a St. Patty’s destination now. 20 years ago, you wouldn’t come w/o chaperone.

Bregman is a fun little new toy.

What was the over/under on Karen Read trial related fistfights on and along the parade route?

Anthony Pepe has tried to get on Entitled Town on multiple occasions.

You ever been to Dealey Plaza?

I’m unbothered by Coach Bill fobbing off his social media emails to Jordon. When you have a philosopher/entrepreneur right there you’d have to be an idiot not to use them.

Bruins dead cub bounce seems to be over.

A league source tells The15 that the team will be sold to William Chisholm, managing director of Symphony Technology Group. Chisholm grew up on the North Shore and is a lifelong Cs fan.

Cakes are cooking for Carl Palmer, Robert Gordon Orr, John de Lancie, Jimmie Vaughan, Holly Hunter, Sting(wrestler), Kathy Ireland, Manny Alexander, Jane March, Christy Carlson Romano, Ruby Rose, and Allisen Corpuz. (No cakes for Pat Riley or Spike Lee.)

The longer I spend on this earth the more easily I am convinced Warren Zevon is the greatest songwriter of all time.

Italians! In Providence! That’s just crazy!

Hey gang of Granite State roundtrippers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It looks like a post-apocalyptic child’s party.”

Mattapan Trolley Update: This delay has cleared. Shuttle buses are being phased out.

Tracy Morgan shitfaced and playing it off as a medical issue to avoid the embarrassment? That’s Drew Magary’s move!

RFK banning food additives and ingredients is not going to save you from the fact that you eat in a massive caloric surplus and refuse to do ANY type of exercise. Your children pick up on the habits you have, so it’s not going to save them either. Do better.

Citizen surveillance isn’t free, playboy.

MBTA heat is on in the 2nd red line car from the front, train is heading southbound to South Station.

Hypnotize on a Saturday night at MSG. Enough said.

Kay Adams….elite mouth. But ultra-premium vodka thinks that’s too much filtering.

Xavier has a fat cheerleader.

Does my Buffalo Wild Wings account REALLY need to have two-factor authorization?

Rotillo is a huge St. John’s fan now? Nice.

Know this: Peter Gammons loves two things: rocking out and stroking out. Also, baseball.

Bipolar Bravado is my early Kentucky Derby pick.

I gotta say, on the list of ballsiest demands, URI telling media to pay $20 for professional parking is up there. Fix your shitty WiFi first, then you can start doing stuff like that.

Well, I’m gonna treat you like the queen you are
Bring you sweet things from my candy jar
You’ve got tricks you ain’t never used
Give it, give it to me, it won’t be abused

I’ve been watching you for days now, baby
I just love your sexy ways now, baby
You know our love will never stop now, baby
Just put your loving in my box now, baby

Wrap it up, I’ll take it
Wrap it up, I’ll take it

I have to keep checking if it’s Morgan Moses or Moses Morgan. I know I’ll screw it up at least once.

Tom Wakefield made every day count.

I’d probably bang Red Panda if given the chance. But that may be the Flexeril talking.

Honk if you remember Bob & Ray.

Using “Green Teamers” as an insult is preposterous in 2025.

That Hilary Knight is a hockey player.

Jordon makes funbags-era Linda look like Garbo by comparison.

Derrick White is so good. Love that guy!

Nice hearing Andy Gresh on the national overnight radio.

Why would cough drops not be gluten free?

Happy National Doctor’s Day.

Did you ever try to calculate how many games Rico Carty missed in his career due to injuries?

I hope Bill Chisholm told his wife he was buying the Celtics.

Scoring goals in March is overrated.

Best bet for the weekend: Not St. John’s. Sorrey!

*And a happy birthday to US Open winner Sloane Stephens.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, WikiFeet, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And that’s powerful stuff.

*Bianca wants you to have a happy first day of Spring. Probably.*

03/12/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on March 12, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Hang it in the Louvre, or the Boston Sports Museum.*

With Khusnutdinov and Jokiharju coming to Boston and Sophia Jurksztowicz returning, Jack Edwards retired just in time.

Sam Hauser has lowkey played some good defense against LeBron James.

I’m sure Lucy will land on her back.

Speaking of thriving, I just saw Blake Griffin in a Red Lobster commercial. Mixed-race athletes DO love cheddar bay biscuits. My grandpa was right.

Daylight Savings Time came outta nowhere this year huh?

Marchand, Carlo & Coyle traded. Always tough when a good sound bite guy leaves.

I like Kornet, but sometimes he has hands like Johnny Tremain.

Jeff Howe is my go-to insider because I like my free agent news confirmed slightly later than everyone else.

Cakes are cooking for Barbara Feldon, Johnny Rutherford, John Paul Sr, Frank Welker, Liza Minelli, Mitt Romney, James Taylor, Bill Payne, Caren Kaye, Carl Hiaasen, Dale Murphy, Steve Harris, Courtney B Vance, Darryl Strawberry, Titus Welliver, Fran Harris, Steve Finley, Steve Levy, Aaron Eckhart, Jake Tapper, Isaiah Rider, Ben Kenney, Casey Mears, Claudio Sanchez, Cristina Teuscher, Tara Mounsey, and Dont’a Hightower.

NBA players have to grow a backbone and tell their sneaker company “No, I will not wear your pink sneakers. I’m wearing purple for Chrissakes!”

It will be weird not hearing Godchaux complain about his contract during Training Camp.

You know who else was 33 when they died? That’s right. Chris Farley.

Hey gang of the moderately unsuccessful, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “When you’ve achieved nothing, what else is there?”

I’m probably really late but Ryan Seacrest hosts the Wheel?

The Krafts have better set some weight room renovation and AirKraft wi-fi retrofit money aside.

Green Line D & E Branch: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem near Lechmere. Trains may stand by at stations.

Hirohito had an early lead, too.

I find humor in the fact that I’m in better shape than one of the best players in the NBA. Looking at you Luka.

My advice? Waste your money on other things.

Sources: Boston Celtics Director of Scouting Remy Cofield is leaving the NBA to become the GM for the Arkansas athletic department.

Last week’s performance is gonna make Trevor Story’s inevitable season-ending injury that much more exciting!

Hearing whispers the economy is much more reasonable in Iowa.

Imagine having to get up and go to work the day after you try to fight a mascot at a hockey game.

Van Lith is Dutch for yes please.

JJ Redick looks like the front man for a Maroon 5 cover band.

I’ve always been apprehensive about doing the tap to pay credit card thing at stores, but I tried it today and holy cow – Absolute game changer! So much better than the swipe or insert.

No matter where you go
I will always be around
Won’t you tell me what you found, girl?
Ooh, girl, want you

Knock down the old grey wall
Be a part of it all
Nothing to say, nothing to see, nothing to do

If you would give me all
As I would give it to you
Nothing would be, nothing would be, nothing would be

No matter where you go
There will always be a place
Can’t you see it in my face, girl?
Ooh, girl, want you.

Vegas/The State typically always wins against individuals.

New lunch options at the Ninety-Nine?

Wait, Porzingis has an actual virus, and not the Hellenic Flu? Huh.

Honk if you remember Peanut Butter Twix.

Both Lipscomb and North Alabama are infinitely better than High Point.

New look B’s 2-0? Someone go tell the Performative Bruins Whores that Marchand and Coyle were cancers.

Maybe we could just move the clocks 1 minute at a time for 60 days?

St Mary’s going to be dangerous in the NIT.

Of course Stolen Valor Jerry owns some Salute to Service gear.

The original ‘Suits’ wasn’t set in LA before?

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox earn a W over the Twins edging closer to the Mayor’s Cup.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Best of luck and God Bless.

*And a happy birthday to actress Jaimie Alexander.*

03/05/2025 Cleaning Up the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on March 5, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*“Faith and Begorrah! I hope that wasn’t your logo-stompin knee, boyo.” (Artist’s Depiction.)*

Has Joel Embiid considered Nugenix? Could help with the knee pain. Plus, she’ll like it too!

And Kyrie now as well? Why do bad things happen to good people?

I’ll be honest: I heard a hack man died and thought we finally lost Jerry Thornton.

Bob Kraft hand-picked a guy 5 years ahead of time to replace the GOAT and he may never coach again. Beautiful stuff.

Man, the world lost so many titans of the film industry in the last year.

Oh good! The NBAs leading fake intellectual (maybe number 2 behind his buddy in Dallas) teaming up with TVs leading fake scientist to make a fucking sneaker. Yippee.

Thank you for your service, Trent Frederic.

You’re telling me that Josh couldn’t figure out a way to use Deebo?

One of the more underrated shots in the league is the wing taking the running hook off of a eurostep when attacking a closeout. A lot of guys get the open lane to attack one-on-one and they have to do a step through to a contested 5-footer, but so many miss it a lot.

I had no idea that Mexico has a woman president. Did you know?

Cakes are cooking for Fred Williamson, Randy Matson, Murray Head, Kent Tekulve, Eddy Grant, Marsha Warfield, Penn Jilllette, Charlie Reid, Craig Reid, Michael Irvin, John Frusciante, Eva Mendes, Wally Szczerbiak, Karolina Wydra, Dan Carter, Jake Lloyd, Kyle Schwarber, Taylor Hill, Justin Fields, and Beatrice Chebet.

It’s great having Dale back around, but every time I see him, I tend to think of Sophia and hope she’s doing ok.

Hey gang of Ramadan reflectors! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Number 8 on the court, number 20 on your hijacker manifest…BASHEEEEEER JIHAAAAAD!”

Could Adrien Brody play the lead in the Brad Marchand biopic?

All the original New York Dolls are now dead.

Green Line C Branch Update: Shuttle buses replace service between Cleveland Circle and Coolidge Corner due to an overhead wire problem near Brandon Hall.

I’m just saying, Bill Nye has been suspiciously quiet on his whereabouts during Gene Hackman’s death.

Despite hailing from Albany, Abbey Buttacavoli can’t be a more Rhode Island name.

If you have more money, you can buy more things.

One time I got a bag of broccoli florets and it was all stumps. My wife complained and Birdseye sent us $20 in coupons.

‘Fucking Dart Adams?’ That’s historian, journalist, lecturer, and Boston Native Fucking Dart Adams to you

News Item: Bill Belichick and UNC in negotiations be featured on Offseason Hard Knocks after NFL Films could not find an NFL team to do it after the Joe Schoen debacle last year.

Fun Fact: I saw The Joe Schoen Debacle play The Rat back in ’93.

One year from today we will have World Baseball Classic 2026 games.

Lil Jerry falls back on what he knows in times of crisis: being horrifyingly unfunny.

Brazil nuts are rich in Selenium.

This Gene Hackman loss won’t feel real until I read Rear Admiral’s paint-by-numbers obit on Barstool.

When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And If I haver, hey, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s havering to you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door.

[inarticulate Scottish noises]

Hard Knocks probably objected to the costs of needing dedicated production assistants to shoo Jordon out of every shot. And Lombardi, too.

Dybantsa? What is that? Dutch?

Listen it’s a terrible tweet. But, have faith in Dutch’s plan.

Just looked at Gasper’s Twitter bio. He describes himself as a “car geek.” lol What’s he driving, the car from ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo?’

Honk if you remember Torvill and Dean.

Word going around: Padres superstar Fernando Tatis Jr. is considering hiring Bad Bunny’s Rimas group to personally manage him (for marketing and maybe more)

EDM has derailed many careers.

Is there any other spy series equal to “The Americans”?

Truly amazing the same people who reveled in the hit piece on Belichick and the complete undermining of him in his final year are now acting insulted and surprised Robyn Glazer has gotten the media machine turned on her. You were okay with it 14 months ago.

When do we get Lenny Clarke’s appearance in the new Celtics documentary?

The Kansas City Chiefs are trading 4x Super Bowl champion Joe Thuney to the Chicago Bears, sources say.

Is rain ever described as anything other than “much needed?”

Happy Ash Wednesday to all my mackerel snappers out there. You guys better take on Lent like a hero. None of this “I won’t have sprinkles on my ice cream” bs. Real penance, real suffering.

Best bet for the weekend: Revs score a goal in their match at Philadelphia.

*And happy birthday to singer and songwriter Madison Beer.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Give it away, give it away, give it away now.

02/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 26, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

“Teddy ‘Cancer Face’ O’Neil was once one of the most feared men in South Boston. Now, however, with his body worn down from a 35-year battle with melanoma and lupus, he discusses what it was like to be a member of the Winter Hill Gang.”

I say the Competition Committee should reach a compromise: ban the Tush Push but keep The Brotherly Shove.

Walking around Montreal during/after a blizzard is a great workout.

Do birds like cheese?

They might have support groups for those who listen to spring training baseball on the radio.

Garden crowds are the best.

Let’s be real. The Canadian flag would make for a terrible bikini.

St. John’s is the best hoops team in New York.

A belated R.I.P. to figure skating legend Dick Button. He is survived by his partner, Clit Zipper.

Cakes are cooking for Bill Duke, Mitch Ryder, Michael Bolton, Connie Carpenter-Phinney, Joe Mullen, Dave Palone, J.T. Snow, Meeno Peluce, Sasha Danilovic, Erykah Badu, Jenny Thompson, Marshall Faulk, Chad Urmston, Corinne Bailey Rae, Katherine Hull Kirk, and Li Na.

The first a capella “Sweet Caroline” of the year always gets me.

Dan Lifshatz and Kendra Middleton have the chemistry of a Hollywood producer and the young actress he violates on the casting couch.

Hey gang of haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m gonna go ahead and take the under.”

Patrick Schwarzenegger is on ‘The White Lotus?’ Any relation?

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while Signal personnel perform maintenance between Maverick and Airport. Trains may stand by at stations.

Bill Simmons invented the documentary.

Imagine being mad the NY Yankees did away with their stupid appearance policy.

In the future, everyone will be Ted Sarandis for fifteen minutes.

Matthew Stafford’s exploration of his market value the last few weeks has indeed attracted significant interest from teams, notably the Raiders and the Giants, per sources. Teams are anticipating the Rams will now be driving up the asking price if they decide to move him.

Statistically, Nelson Cruz and Giancarlo Stanton are pretty much the same player.

The Oscars have to be the Super Bowl for Twitter.

Who’s has more fatalities since 1975: SNL cast members or Pittsburgh Steelers linemen?

Shout out Portugal!

The Yankees will no longer play Frank Sinatra’s “Theme from New York, New York” after losses, the club confirmed. Instead, there will be a rotating selection of songs — Sinatra’s “That’s Life” was played today.

Wearin’ her perfume, Chanel no. 5
Got to be the finest girl alive.
She walks real cool, catches everybody’s eye.
She’s got such good lovin’ that they can’t say goodbye.
Not too skinny, she’s not too fat.
She’s a real humdinger and i like it like that.
She’s the devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.
Devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.

Sixers have like four guys going with the Frederick Douglass cut.

Honk if you remember Margo Adams.

Johnny Cash is overrated.

Does Pete Blackburn have the Little Sads?

I was kinda hoping Diana Taurasi would delay her retirement announcement long enough to deprive another player deserving of a spot in the next Olympics.

The 4 Nations Face-off? A cute, fun tournament, but doesn’t compare to the Miracle on Ice.

Dan Hurley knows he can shut the fuck up every now and then, right?

Also, Jay Glazer has devolved into a Dick Tracy villain or the henchman of some megalomaniac.

Emily Kaplan, is she Amish?

Everyone look at Gronk. He needs attention.

I can handle a couple seasons of a rebuild, Bruins. Do what you gotta do.

Best bet for the weekend: more load management for Cooper Flagg.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Because you’re mine. I walk the line.

*And a happy birthday to Aussie actress & model Teresa Palmer.*

02/20/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 20, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

If Canada loses, they have to take Rear Admiral from us.

What’s your suggestion as to how to fix the NBA All-Star Game? Let us know in the comments.

Alex Bregman a Red Sox? PTT!

My brain keeps autocorrecting Torrey Craig to Torey Krug.

Is everyone related to Patrick Mahomes a complete embarassment?

More people being shot at the Kansas City Super Bowl parade than at the Philadelphia celebration proves Tom Brady isn’t the GOAT.

Put a bounty on Joel Armia, it’s what Reg Dunlop would have done.

Not to go full Dondero, but LeBron James has been a lousy steward for the sport during his career.

Cakes are cooking for Buffy Sainte-Marie, Clyde Wright, Phil Esposito, Andrew Bergman, Sandy Duncan, Billy Zoom, Patty Hearst, Joel Hodgson, Charles Barkley, Ian Brown, French Stewart, Jeff Maggert, Andrew Shue, Lili Taylor, Liván Hernández, Stephon Marbury, Chelsea Peretti, Lauren Ambrose, Justin Verlander, Rihanna, Kristóf Milák, and Olivia Rodrigo.

I’m a little late to this, but I just want to congratulate Greg Bedard on defeating Awaken 180.

I was gonna hit up a Wednesday yard sale, but I have a wedding to go to.

Jayson Tatum, who has a “Hitch” tattoo, wants to be in the sequel with Will Smith and Kevin James.

Green Line Reminder: Feb. 22-23 No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) due to maintenance. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station.

Hardpressed to find a normal weather situation I wouldn’t take over this nonsense.

The most insufferable corner of the internet right now are the dudes eating their meals on wooden cutting boards and acting like they’re Jesus Christ.

Rafael Devers looks like a kid from a country that received some ‘Chiefs Super Bowl LIX Champions’ t-shirts, but he didn’t get one because all they had were mediums.

Great part of #FourNations is the young hoppers listening to kick-ass old-school rock tunes.

Imagine saying hello on Twitter to Ed Harding.

Like what mid chicks do to boost their looks, always hire a lawyer fatter than you are. It’s very slimming.

Lots of things valued at $182 are given away for one dollar!

Hey gang of alliteratives, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I have been nothing but creepy and aggressive to you. Please respond.”

Has Triston met Jordon?

I don’t know, maybe the guy who’s on the cover of the video game box is more famous than the guy who’s allegedly famous for playing the video game.

So Elon knocked up Sophia Jurksztowicz, right? What other explanation is there?

The loss of Eric Bieniemy finally came back to haunt the Chiefs.

For what it’s worth: TD Garden is not preparing for a presidential visit for the championship game between the United States and Canada.

This went over more heads than the history of clouds.

Thanks for asking, but I could never be a US Senator. I don’t have a cool name like “Barasso” or “Klobuchar”. Also I don’t dress well enough. Also I am a few million $ short. And too old. But thanks for asking. OK, nobody asked.

BLEHHHH! Dead father!! BLEHHHHH!!!

Guy why do you have a picture of my back on your Sports List?

Lonnie Walker IV has agreed to a two-year, $3 million deal with the Philadelphia 76ers, his agent George S. Langberg of GSL Sports Group told ESPN. Walker has played for Zalgiris Kaunas in the Euroleague and had an NBA-out in his deal. He now enters his 7th NBA season.

The delay-of-game warning remains the worst rule in sports. All you’re doing is delaying the game further just to announce that you don’t approve of people delaying the game.

Globe Pitchbot makes Jerry Thornton look like Patrice O’Neal.

Lavar Ball reportedly had his foot amputated after suffering a serious medical issue. Those Big Baller Brand sneakers must have been awful.

You fella, you tearing up the street.
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat?
Do you take me for a fool?
Do you think that I don’t see,
That ditch out in the valley that they’re digging just for me?

Yes, I’m going insane.
You know I’m laughing at the frozen rain.
And I feel like I’m so alone.
Honey, when they gonna send me home?

Bad sneakers and piña colada, my friend
Stomping on the avenue by Radio City with a
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend..

Mark Farinella looks like a guy who emits an unpleasant odor.

Feds can only ‘swoop in,’ much like how a franchise tag can only be ‘slapped’ on a Patriots player.

Honk if you remember Anderson-Little.

Instead of booing the Canadian National anthem, the US crowd should theatrically yawn and ostentatiously check their watches.

Miguel Tejada is the Vern Stephens of the 21st Century.

Pranav Gil is an innocent man.

Saturday Night Live over 50 seasons has had 15 cast members die? Seems low. The Iroquois has lost at least that many deckhands.

You’ll DH and you’ll like it you pudgy malcontent.

Best bet for the weekend: more slow jams in the weight room.

*Tatum would rather read a fucking shampoo bottle than participate in conversation with those two dipshits*.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’ll take advantage while You hang me out to dry. But I can’t see you every night. Free.

*And a happy birthday to Cindy Crawford, American supermodel.*

02/12/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 12, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*You stick your lip out like that a bird might land on it. An Eagle, perhaps.*

I’m told losing in the Super Bowl does irreparable damage to one’s legacy.

The arc of the moral universe is long, but bends toward justice for that awful Bundlerooski ad.

Congratulations to Boston University for a convincing Beanpot win.

Philly fans booed Santa Claus, Taylor. You’re in good company.

Holy shit. Don’t let the miserable cvnts suck the joy outta what you just watched. That was amazing.

How did Andy Reid find a shirt that is too big for him?

Who the hell directed that Tubi ad, David Cronenberg? My friend PlutoTV would never.

Love how fundamentally sound Knueppal and Flagg are.

I went to an Al Skinner camp when I was like 10 and he said I played like Henry Bibby.

Meg Ryan, you still got it, kid.

You know who would’ve loved watching that Super Bowl? Len Bias. Miss him everyday.

Cakes are cooking for Judy Blume, Maud Adams, Michael Ironside, Gil Moore, Michael McDonald, Joanna Kerns, Chet Lemon, Arsenio Hall, Brent Jones, Ed Lover, Michel Petit, Chynna Phillips, Josh Brolin, Darren Aronofsky, Lincoln Kennedy, Tara Strong, Cliff Bleszinski, Anna Benson, Christina Ricci, Gucci Mane, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Robert Griffin III,

Coop DeJean has great hands. Smart player. Like a coach out there. Just knows where to be. Underrated athlete.

My bank’s fraud protection department flagged my subscription renewal to MassLive, which doesn’t help my contention it is a real thing that actually exists.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Whoa, I think that’s “Big Dom!”

Is Mike Powell’s long jump world record effectively unbreakable now? Not that it couldn’t be broken, but the event no longer seems to be attracting the best athletes.

Hey gang who only skimmed the onboarding packet, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She’s eating vanilla cake like it’s her job.”

A Karen Read interview after the Super Bowl? Looks like Mahomes won’t be the only one shitting himself on Fox.

JD Davison is Michael Jordan of the G League.

Orange Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM Friday, February 14, through the end of service Monday, February 17 (Presidents’ Day). Shuttle Buses replace service between North Station and Oak Grove due to MassDOT bridge work.

Bruins should be sellers. But will probably be stand-patters.

Do Super Bowl touchdowns count for your stats if your opponent’s coach has already been doused in Gatorade?

Andy Reid looks like a laundry bag full of walnuts.

Red Sox Mgr. Alex Cora positive about this Red Sox team, “It’s a good team. A solid team. We should be OK!”

Dan Lifshatz is about two things: lying about his gambling exploits, being a fat piece of shit, and respecting women. Wait, that’s three things.

No three-peat also means Pat Riley loses out on a windfall.

I hope Philly fan appreciates winning a Super Bowl without first having the NFL change the scoring rules mid-game.

Biscuit joinery!

Does Mr. Dondero only tweet during free period? Or does he also do it while he’s patrolling the cafeteria?

Something’s at the edge of your mind
You don’t know what it is.
Something you were hoping to find
But you’re not sure what it is.
Then you hear the music
And it all comes crystal clear.
The music does the talking
Says the things you want to hear.

I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free.
Got the magic power of the music in me.
I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free.
Got the magic power of the music in me.

My lace curtain Irish grandmother always said I’d make a good potato farmer.

“Shaboozey” needs to be stopped.

Gold Glove winners in baseball can be divided into three categories: “really outstanding fielder”, “won it on reputation”, and “somebody has to get it.” I notice that the AL hasn’t really had a legit Gold Glove first baseman win the award since Teixeira in 2012.

I think at least two of the women in that Nike commercial are Josina Anderson.

Gonna be two Super Bowl blowout losses for Mahomes and Reid. Never happened to Brady and Belichick, Tone.

Honk if you remember an arbitrator declaring Carlton Fisk to be a free agent.

Rachid Meziane, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Yeah, I don’t think Roc Nation is interested in putting on a country music Super Bowl halftime show. Sorrey!

Glen Powell is a smoke.

The New England Revolution concluded their training camp with a friendly match against USL Championship side Tampa Bay Rowdies, taking a 1-0 victory at IMG Academy in Bradenton, FL.

Jalen Hurts sure loves to be photographed being left alone.

A 38-point 10 rebound night from freshman Liam McNeeley? Just think how good he’s gonna be his senior year!

There’s definitely some buzz about the 2025 Red Sox. No, that’s just tinnitus.

Upton Bell is too modest to mention it, but Bert Bell founded the Philadelphia Eagles NFL Franchise. Bert Bell was Upton’s father.

Best bet for the weekend: no vaccine or treatment available for 4 Nations Face Off fever.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We do the walk. We do the walk of life.

*And happy birthday to actress Sarah Lancaster.*

II/V/MMXXV Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on February 5, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*The Super Bowl media workroom is located in Row D of the Superdome parking garage*. *Heh heh.*

I bet State Farm told Dallas they had to trade Doncic to the Lakers.

Points man Pasta is still a Good Kid.

Dale would drive 2 hours for a meatball, MegO goes for pizza from Star Market near the TDGarden – weirdos.

This Jaden Springer trade could haunt the Celtics. I can’t help but be reminded of when Harry Frazee traded da Babe!

I can’t beieve the Grammys forgot that dead guitar player from Whitesnake and Tygers of Pan Tang. So disrespectful. Also, Justin Tucker is no longer welcome at the Tigers of Pan Tang Spa.

Celtics recent failures are not the fault of the head coach according to Kristaps Porzingis “ Mazzulla” s doing everything he can to help us.”

Lebron has fucked so many teammates you’d think he plays in the WNBA.

Hey Lays, when can we finally get your ketchup chips here in Massachusetts? Going to Canada for them gets expensive.

A honk-less Truck Day. Sad.

As Valentine’s Day is coming, be aware that fragrances are heavily faked. If you want to be safe, buy direct, from retailers (Macy’s, Sephora, Ulta) or well-known discounters (Jomashop, FragranceX, FragranceNet, FragranceBuy).

WEEI should have just sent its unwanted on-air employees to Radio Row in New Orleans, and just never brought them back.

Imagine shaking your spouse awake (when you have sick kids!) to tell her your favorite basketball player got traded.

Cakes are cooking for Don Cherry, Larry Tamblyn, Nolan Bushnell, Charlotte Rampling, Darrell Waltrip, Barbara Hershey, Errol Morris, Nick Laird-Clowes, Jane Geddes, Tim Meadows, Duff McKagen, Jim Pugh, Laura Linney, José María Olazábal, Chris Parnell, Roberto Alomar, Bobby Brown, Sara Evans, Brian Moorman, Adam Everett, Cristiano Ronaldo, Laurence Maroney, Reed Sorenson, and Neymar.

A BU vs. BC Beanpot Tital Game? That hardly ever happens!

It’s crazy to think that if Luka were any fatter he’d be working at Atamian Honda.

The Milwaukee Bucks are trading Khris Middleton, AJ Johnson and a pick swap to the Washington Wizards for Kyle Kuzma, Patrick Baldwin Jr. and second-round draft compensation, sources tell The15.

I hear Mrs. Ted will be watching the Big Game at the MEMA Bunker. For reasons.

Red Line Reminder: Feb 8 – 9 (this weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between JFK/UMass and Braintree for signal upgrades. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

Beyoncé has won 33 Grammys. And I know one song by her.

Hey gang of fed-up football fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “look at all those meat-faced cretins.”

Justin Tucker will be fine, Ray Lewis killed a guy and they gave him a statue.

A self-serving unverifiable statement from Kyrie Irving you say?

If we’re very good, maybe all the hugely hyped Super Bowl ads will be seen online before the game!

Forbes Magazine listed America’s Most Generous Philanthropists for 2025, and no surprise here, # 1 on the list: Doug Meehan.

A Salvation Army band played
And the children drank lemonade
And the morning lasted all day
All day

And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day
Pushing the town away
Ah

Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Dee-doo-din-nie-ya-ya
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma-ma

Nobody ever disappears in the Bermuda Triangle anymore.

Muffins are funnier than cupcakes.

No one “wins” the off season. The off season is just guesswork. Sportswriters claimed the Angels won the off season 10 times in a row, with Rendon, Shohei, Pujols, Torii Hunter, Josh Hamilton, Andrelton Simmons, etc. They never won anything; they just spent money.

Not for nothing Big Baby, but healthcare fraud is a very white crime.

Why is there an Eagles fan in the Big Y commercial talking about it’s too bad all our teams aren’t still playing?

Honk if you remember which TV show debuted after Super Bowl XVII.

Vice’s “Belichick or Brady” show? Dumb premise, but hagiographic for both of them, with nary a mention of Kraft. A welcome departure from last year’s Apple TV+ documentary.

Mike Zunino, who was really a pretty good player, last played in 2023, and left with a career batting average of .199. He is the first player ever to retire with 100+ career home runs and a batting average under .200. Joey Gallo will become the second.

Do you think Kyle Kuzma hates being called “Cooze” like Dr. Cusamano did?

Teams that have won the turnover battle in the Super Bowl have a 39-7 record.

What organization accredited Rich to go to the Soupey and pretend to still be media? ‘Sports?’ ‘Plain Black Mic Flag?’

Imagine being on yet another unearned vacation and obsessing over lost Twitter followers.

You think Upton Bell has never been in a Cadillac?

Standing Headline: Red Sox Free Agent Target Signs Elsewhere.

Best bet for the weekend: underwhelming advertisements during The Big Game.

*Easily worth double that amount today.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I don’t need permission, make my own decisions. That’s, that’s my prerogative.

*And happy Birthday to actress Nora Zehetner.*

01/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 29, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Looks good to me! I smell a Three-peat!*

Was the Bills AFCCG loss karma for playing to lose in Week 18? I’m just asking the question!

You can either score only two goals, or give up two hat tricks, but not both, Bruins.

It’s so refreshing that coaches are leaving established positions to join Vrabel. Meanwhile Mayo was dumpster diving for coordinators.

I actually think Ted Johnson will help WEEI finally beat Felger and Mazz. He just needs to marry them first.

Chasing points in the first half is like teaching suicide pilots how to land.

Liam Coen has British comedy troupe physiognomy. ‘Whose O-Line is It Anyway?’

The only rating Fitzy will draw is with a magic marker and an easel when he transitions to prop comedy.

And one more: The Afternoon Show has three hosts and they’re still short staffed!

Cakes are cooking for Claudine Longet, Donna Caponi, Tom Selleck, Marc Singer, Ann Jillian, Max Carl, Louie F. Pérez, Jr., Oprah Winfrey, Irlene Mandrell, Judy Norton-Taylor, Greg Louganis, Steve Sax, Andre Reed, Dominik Hasek, Sean Burke, Edward Burns, Heather Graham, Jason Schmidt, Sara Gilbert, Jason James Richter, Adam Lambert, and Marc Gasol.

Has anyone tried unplugging the Bruins and plugging them back in…

Credit to ‘Tommy Freezepops’ for actually internalizing the ‘eat a salad once in a while’ insult. Some fellas at 98.5 FM should take notes.

Flagg has so many zits.

Hey, he’s John Havlicek’s grandson. That’s why. Johnny Havlicek, HS Jr. LHP in Jupiter, Fla., P in an exhibition in Tampa this weekend, fanned 4 of 1st 5 H he faced and is a kid to watch for college or draft next spring.

NFL Pro Bowl QB Drake Maye.

Green Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Park Street. Trains may stand by at stations.

The Super Bowl Is Gonna Be So Non-Bussin, only Louisa Day Hicks would approve.

Happy Lunar New Year, to those who celebrate.

Hey gang of sofa scouts and couch coordinators! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “no IDEA why Josh did not throw the orbit to Shakir.”

Mi papá odia tanto a Doris Burke que ve el partido de los Warriors en español.

I have zero confirmation of Doug Marrone to the Patriots. Due to my Syracuse ties I do have solid knowledge of him, but I’ll wait to confirm. No known ties to Mike Vrabel or Josh McDaniels

In the silver linings department, saving the Ninth Ward from an invasion of the two least housebroken fan bases is probably a good thing.

Jimmy Stewart has the body type you tell your kids not to stare at.

Sorry to lose you, Alyssa Thomas. Hopefully Phoenix knows the proper billing order is ‘WNBA Practice’, then ‘Toddler’s Birthday Party’.

You see it all around you.
Good lovin’ gone bad.
And usually it’s too late when you,
Realize what you had.

And my mind goes back to a girl I met,
Some years ago who told me:

Just hold on loosely, but don’t let go.
If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control.
Your baby needs someone to believe in.
And a whole lot of space to breathe in.

Again, there’s nothing more rewarding in life than rooting for a second-generation professional athlete.

Why no Sun Chips, Market Basket?

North Carolina is converting Kenan Stadium back to natural grass under Bill Belichick, the school announced.

Honk if you remember the Celtics playing the Pistons before a then-record NBA crowd of 61,983 at the Pontiac Silverdome.

I know the time difference prevents the Australian Open from being a bigger story in the United States, but Madison Keys winning the 2025 women’s title deserves some love.

A week off was probably what Derrick White needed.

imagine telling someone in 1998 that Snoop Dog and Peyton Manning would have the same career arc.

‘Riley Larkin’ is an autogenerated 21st century white QB name.

First time I haven’t tied up my sky pencil holly to support snow load. Now, we haven’t had a ton nor the heavy wet stuff but they are managing. One downside of tying them i find they may get diseased easier from experience. Not positive though.

Did you feel the earthquake? Let us know in the comments.

Minor Cardinals transaction yesterday: they released RHP Victor Santos, who was half of the return for Tyler O’Neill. The other piece, Nick Robertson, did not make it through the season in the org last summer.

You can throw out the standings when UMass meets URI in a classic A-10 matchup. But the team with the better record is probably favored to win.

I grew into a lug nut allergy. Tragic.

I’m sure Jimmy Butler won’t be a piece of shit on his next team.

Best bet for the weekend: Boston Fleet return to their winning ways vs the NY Sirens. Epic! Homeric!

*Bianca. For no reason other than she loves America and we love you.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Will the wolf survive?