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08/13/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 13, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

YOU got smoked off white wine spritzers and tried to ride YOUR bike, caller. You did!

Should have used some of last nights runs during the losing skid, Red Sox.

The statue looks like Tom and is the head is properly proportioned. Knock it off.

So the Celtics can say “Happy birthday, Cooz” and it’s cool, but if I say it to my wife, she gets mad.

I enjoy the yearly ritual of seeing how much fatter Zolak got since last preseason.

‘Swedish Electrician’ sounds like a sex move. “I don’t recommend trying the Swedish Electrician with your wife if you’ve got a bad hip!”

I might be an old man but the sneakers with a suit is infuriating.

Love that the social media girl for the NHL’s 25th best team is being feted like a dying Lou Gehrig.

Nice to see the Astros wearing the OXY patch in honor of Rear Admiral.

Celtics Governorship Drama szn.

Cakes are cooking for Jocelyn Elders, Gary Davidson, Janet Yellin, Bobby Clarke, Jeff Altman, Betsy King, Hideo Fukuyama, David Feherty, Danny Bonaduce, Tom Niedenfuer, Koji Kondo, John Slattery, Debi Mazar, Jay Buhner, Mark Lemke, Elvis Grbac, Kevin Plank, Sherman Williams, Corey Patterson, Sebastian Stan, Boone Logan, Steve Perrault, and DeMarcus Cousins.

With pads on, Will Campbell looks like a football player.

The CEO of the OXY corporation must be like, “Why do we have to change our name when it’s the massive drug epidemic that sucks?”

Hey gang of qualified sports insiders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Well, the games this weekend will certainly be interesting.”

Do I already have ‘Stretch’ fatigue?

Blue Line Reminder: Through August 17. Shuttle buses are replacing service between Airport and Wonderland for infrastructure upgrades, trackwork, and station improvements. Riders should allow extra time during this work.

Arrighetti sounds like spaghetti with arrabbiata sauce.

I replaced my underwear inventory with all under armour boxer jock. They are great. And then for running / lifting i have the UA compression shorts. Also outstanding.

Paul Perillo has the skin of an ’84 Lebaron convertible top.

Superfan Cam probably sat up in his shitty bed like Dick Hallorann when the psychic wave of Felger’s fall hit him.

RKK’s speechwriter should have axed the ‘passing precision’ phrase.

All broads think about is making videos of themselves.

Stop wasting my time
You know what I want
You know what I need
Or maybe you don’t
Do I have to come right flat out and tell you everything?

Gimme some money
Gimme some money

Have fun and play hard against the Irmo, South Carolina squad, Braintree Little Leaguers.

I’m just now realizing that the Pats have a running back room led by players whose last names end in -son: Rhamondre StevenSON TreVeyon HenderSON Antonio GibSON, And they would have had another if Lan LariSON hadn’t been placed on IR!

St. Hubbins was patron saint of quality footwear.

I miss Jerry Remy adding R’s to words and names that didn’t have R’s in the spots of those pronunciations.

Honk if you remember Danny Almonte.

You would have to have a heart of stone not to laugh at the Super Bowl XLIX excerpt from Michael-Shawn Duggar’s book about the Seahawks.

Mike in Woburn is gonna have a heart attack. And then he’ll probably have another one when he hears the Felger news.

You can powerbomb people in UFC?

The heat bugs must be loving this weather. Because of the heat.

Nevada Supreme Court ruled in favor of Jon Gruden. But watch ol’ Roger Goodell elude this one, too.

Eye Column Item: Kayla Burton is dating Pats special teams coordinator Jeremy Springer.

Well done, Boston Crusaders Drum & Bugle Corps. DCI Champions.

The same people who in January can’t tell me if it will snow tomorrow are all over this hurricane coming in over a week.

Best bet for the weekend: New England’s prseason march toward relevance continues in Minnesota.

*Some people (and AIs) don’t know what they’re doing. I think that’s how you have to look at it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Welcome back Carmine.

*And Happy Birthday to American tennis player Amanda Anisimova.*

08/06/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 6, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Wild Card Fever Grips Hub!

Patriots coach Mike Vrabel on his young very aggressive young players who play very very hard. “ Hey we need you’d for 17.”

I feel like we didn’t need to know the escaped lizard’s name.

Shoutout to the Braintree American team. Braintree has always had nasty baseball at the youth level. Great to see them on the doorstep of Williamsport.

Georges Niang; we hardly knew ye.

I like the concept of wearing a tee shirt from a different beach to the beach.

Beantown is Sweep-town!

There’s nothing more white trash than being the “I know crime!” guy.

Cakes are cooking for Peter Bonerz, Dorian Harewood, Catherine Hicks, Vinnie Vincent, Pat MacDonald, Stepfanie Kramer, Randy DeBarge, Dale Ellis, Michelle Yeoh, Kimberley Conrad, David Robinson, Mike Greenberg, Mike Budenholzer, M. Night Shyamalan, Geri Horner, Vera Ann Farmiga, Soleil Moon Frye, and Leslie Odom Jr.

Tossing dildos on the WNBA court turned into yelling “get in the hole!” in record time.

Hey gang of rollicking reprobates, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Yeah let me get one milquetoast please.”

Garrett Crochet looks like he cooks meth for the Aryan Brotherhood.

Frances Upton was a Ziegfeld Follies Star who signed a 2-picture deal in Hollywood. She came back to the Stage and continued her career.

I thought the didgeridoo was a soulless killing animal.

Abraham Toro has great teeth.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Imagine Mike Felger being one of your heroes?

Disgusted in the crowd during Becky-Lyra. Spending hundreds of dollars to do the wave in the middle of the match is shit. It was distracting and took away from the match. Unfortunate.

If you can’t afford a roof, just say you can’t afford a roof.

I was going to see The Fantastic Four until I saw how little money it made in its second week.

All the best jobs have Tuesdays off.

Put the stupid fires out Canada or we will start sending tariffs AND acid rain your way again!

Cesar is survived by his dominoes set and cobalt blue Honda Civic.

I study nuclear science
I love my classes
I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses
Things are going great, and they’re only getting better
I’m doing all right, getting good grades
The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades

I’ve got a job waiting for my graduation
Fifty thou a year — buys a lot of beer
Things are going great, and they’re only getting better
I’m doing all right, getting good grades
The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.

News Item: All-Women Broadcast Scores Record Low Ratings, Increase in Presence of Wild Bears.

Thanks to Cesar Osiris for using an alias!

A bidding war for the Connecticut Sun? The WNBA Connecticut Sun?

You can tell how much you owned someone by how much they talk about you after you died.

I don’t know Ma, maybe the phone handsets don’t work because you never put them back on the charger?

Joe Murray just said he puts ketchup on French toast bagel sandwiches? Ew.

Osiris was the god of fertility, agriculture, the afterlife, the dead, resurrection, life, and vegetation in ancient Egyptian religion. And of bad beats, probably.

Honk if you remember Carl Lewis winning four gold medals.

Maybe the Revs should re-sign Gil’s brother while they’re at it?

Applebees owns riblets. The Bell family allegedly owns ‘any given Sunday.’ Advantage: Applebees.

For those updating Patriots rosters at home, please note that CB Tre Avery will wear No. 26, RB JaMycal Hasty has been assigned No. 39, and DT Bryce Ganious gets No. 72.

Hand up, I thought the Sox were gonna lose eight in a row and get right back out of this thing.

Was the Giants-Giants get together in Totowa?

Joon Lee should knock it off, he’s working Chad’s side of Yawkey Way!

Proportional response? Nah.

Best bet for the weekend: pleasant memories shared of our fallen pal, gone but not forgotten.

*This statue only looks a little like Tom Brady!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the14 were used in this column. Hug your collaborative a little tightah.

and happy birthday to model/actress Adrianne Curry, winner of the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model.

07/30/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 30, 2025 by scartsy15 One comment

Critical day coming ! Major League Trade Deadline Thursday at 6 pm !!!

The Tanya Ray Fox getting laid off news is great because her entire personality is “I have the job you wish you had.”

Al these celebrity deaths…damn you 2020!

Revs trying to get Matt Turner back? Ivacic is whatever but he’s like the 7th or 8th problem on the team.

Ryne Sandberg. RIP. Only guy to spell Ryan worse than Rusillo.

I hope Brian Scalabrine remembers to mention discovering Cooper Flagg on every NBC Sports & Peacock basketball broadcast.

So the shooter guy, he’s mad about the brain damage, he comes to the city to shoot Goodell, but then he takes an elevator to the wrong floor because of the brain damage. It’s like O Henry wrote a Seinfeld script.

I assume a wig falls of in a WNBA game 3-4 times per game.

Cakes are cooking for Sid Krofft, Bud Selig, Buddy Guy, Paul Anka, Jimmy Cliff, Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond, Arnold Schwarzenegger, William Atherton, Jean Reno, Frank Stallone, Ken Olin, Delta Burke, Bill Cartwright, Clint Hurdle, Kate Bush, Laurence Fishburne, Jay Feaster, Chris Mullin, Lisa Kudrow, Monique Gabrielle, Jürgen Klinsmann, Vivica A. Fox, Terry Crews, Christopher Nolan, Christine Taylor, Tom Green, Hilary Swank, Justin Rose, Hope Solo, Yvonne Strahovski, Kevin Pittsnogle, and Joey King.

Orange Line Reminder: This weekend, August 2 – 3. No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay due to signal work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use Green Line between North Station & Copley

Little League announcers tend not to harp on errors.

People don’t die in threes—they just get counted off in threes by people who say, “It always happens in threes”.

Lenny DiNardo is the best dressed man in sports analysis.

Bert Bell warned people about CTE back in nineteen dickety-two.

Hey gang, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So she’s a full-on prostitute now, right?”

My poor lawn is the color of a Triscuit.

One of the biggest gambles in life is going to a different barber when yours is on vacation.

My day has been made. Just heard “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?” on Sirius XM.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Nothing makes you feel young quite like pregaming in a hotel.

Maybe Tanya Ray thought ‘Mass Layoffs’ meant getting laid off while she was back in Massachusetts?

Honk if you remember Welch’s grape soda.

Driving and listening to the Sox game, and the CSB grad and Flemming refusing to call it Minneapolis or Minnesota but “Minny” almost had me veering into a bridge abutment.

So if Sunday you’re free,
Why don’t you come with me,
And we’ll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we’ll do
In a squirrel or two,
While we’re poisoning pigeons in the park.

We’ll murder them all amid laughter and merriment.
Except for the few we take home to experiment.
My pulse will be quickenin’
With each drop of strychnine
We feed to a pigeon.
It just takes a smidgin!
To poison a pigeon in the park.

Kenny Anderson didn’t win a championship in the NBA but he is a champion in life.

Charlie McAvoy’s baby boy Rhys is a hoss.

If there was a season to try the Simmons experiment, it’s this upcoming one.

A little paprika will liven up any white food.

Is it safe to ask the question that if Christian Gonzalez can’t figure out this string of being injury prone…is he a bust?

Congratulations to the Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2025.

Jon Meterparel also calls the indoor football for the Mass Pirates in the IFL and he couldn’t be more disinterested and mentally broken discussing these useless games. No disrespect to the Pirates.

For the first time since 1972, Burrillville wins the state title. State champs will play New York State champ next Saturday at 7 in Bristol.

The Hulkster will probably need a custom casket to fit those 24-inch pythons. RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: above-board, gentlemanly baseball between Houston and Boston at Fenway.

And happy birthday to model & actress Jaime Pressly, which is apparently spelled that way.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Feels so good.

07/24/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 24, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*John. Michael. Osbourne. Think he knew how to rock?*

What was up with ESPN’s broadcast of the Red Sox game? Were Philly fans climbing the satellite antenna or stealing the cables for the copper?

You can tell the ones who’ve been fans since his Black Sabbath days by the way the think his name was Ozzie.

Cheryl Miller played against nurses and secretaries.

The media love training camp because every good play has a counterbalancing bad play for them to focus on.

Rich Hill must fucking hate his family.

If you’re looking for the long-time voice of Boston College Football you will find Jon Meterparel doing the famous Cape Cod League All Star game on NESN. Take A Bow! Jon.

Shane Gillis? Is he a member of Mobb Deep?

Yoshida vs. Imanaga as Japan looks on at 8:38 a.m. on a Sunday.

Ben Volin is already in midseason form.

News Item: All UNC football tickets sold out for 1st season in Bill Belichick era. It sure is going to suck when he leaves before the first game because his buyout is only $1m!

I have gone since 1997 saying ou est ta craie, only to now realize that means where is your chalk. Oops. Ou est ta couronne, roi rien?

Cakes are cooking for Dan Hedaya, Chris Sarandon, Jim Armstrong, Michael Richards, Gus Van Sant, Steve Grogan, Robbie Grey, Paul Geary, Julie Krone, Karl Malone, Barry Bonds.*, Doug Liman, Nick Nurse, Kristin Chenoweth, Laura Leighton, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Fox, Rose Byrne, Summer Glau, Anna Paquin, Elisabeth Moss, Xenia Rubinos, Mara Wilson, Daveigh Chase, Evan James Springsteen, Emily Bett Rickards, Kyle Kuzma, and Cailee Spaeny.

I’ll never forget when Like That came out. I was up in NH for work and listened to that song EXCLUSIVELY every time I was in the car. 25 minute commute each way. Like That. Every single time. Who knew it’d do what it did huh?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Matrices and Dons get special treatment.”

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

How can you pull a “Do you know who I am?” when it’s not even you?

Orange Line Reminder: July 26-27 No Train service between Wellington & Back Bay due to signal work. Use Buses between Wellington & North Station. Use the Green Line between North Station & Copley.

The Running of the Jorts! A tradition like many others.

My two biggest NBA what if’s remain: Sabonis joining Drexler and Portland in 86 or Len Bias living.

I wish I loved anything as much as broads love singing Blues Traveler.

At the podium Patriots All Pro CB Christian Gonzalez, “ Pressure is a priviledge. ”

Crazy, but that’s how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it’s not too late
To learn how to love and forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame

I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train

Owen Pence’s performative WNBA fandom is covering for some heinous shit. Mark my words.

Indoor spiders, why am I still seeing earwigs in the basement? You had one job.

How did Scott Kacsmar ever get a job at a serious football outfit in the first place? Guy could not be more unhinged.

Is Meterparel living with a host family too for the summer like the Cape League players?

My likes keep my IG scroll wall right where I want it, and nobody on my IG is shocked about what that content is, bc they’ll run up on me in person to show me what colors they have.

Honk if you remember Tony Kornheiser’s short lived vanity project, “Listen Up”,

Is Kelsey Plum an autist?

The ESPY’s are now like that mediocre restaurant you pass every so often and say, “that’s still open?”

Underwhelming Helmet Reveal szn,

Create more false equivalencies between Bob Kraft’s uncalled for swipes at Belichick and his responses to them.

Get well soon Mut.

H.E.R.B.I.E. the robot is triggering to kids that had him as a Fantastic Four member instead of The Human Torch in their Saturday morning cartoon.

If the concessionaires and vendors at Fenway go on strike, will you be allowed to sneak a sausage inside?

Justin Fields is limping to the sideline.

Best bet for the weekend: England versus Spain once again, this time at the Women’s Euro Championship.

*And the Red Sos win 9-8 in extra innings. Thank you for watching ESPN.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the night.

*And happy birthday to no-introduction-needed Lynda Carter.*

07/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Are we sure Kornet’s gone? Shams might just be using the Celtics for clicks.

During the NBA Draft my dog ran and hid under the bed when Adam Silver came out.

I believe the AP Hockey Stylebook would prefer “Hagsy” to be James Hagen’s Bruins nickname.

Is the L in Luka Garza’s name silent, like the H in Hugo Gonzalez’s?

Jahmai Webster should tell Bradfo his secret to keeping shirts wrinkle-free.

What is going on at the Wimbledon Women’s draw?!

Welcome to Boston Alex Steeves, Tanner Jeannot, Sean Kuraly, and Michael Eyssimon.

Keep on that grind, JT. The fan base and the city are behind you 100%. Before you know it you’re gonna be dominating the league again. There’s still so much more left to be written in your Celtics story.

Did the Bruins make a good first round draft pick simply because their internet cut out and they were on autodraft?

Cakes are cooking for Imelda Marcos, Robert Ito, Polly Holliday, Richard Petty, John H. Sununu, Larry David, Saul Rubinek, Roy Bittan, Johnny Colla, Brandel Chamblee, Jose Canseco, Mark Tewksbury, Monie Love, Jared Palmer, Troy Brown, Éric Dazé, Owain Yeoman, Joe Thornton, Michelle Branch, Johnny Weir, Ashley Tisdale, Lindsay Lohan, Alex Morgan, Margot Robbie, and Saweetie.

Are we ever going to hear the results of the Lifshatz referee investigations?

Green Line B Branch Update: Regular service has resumed. This delay has cleared.

Hugo Gonzalez? The many Spanish Celtics fans I know will be thrilled.

Kudos to you for finding out the identity of the guy who uses his real name on Twitter.

I hoped Marchand came back to the Bruins so they can trade him at the deadline again for another #1 pick.

I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say the 2-6 show on WEEI is the actual worst regular show either station has ever trotted out. Which is saying something.

Feel like I should be having a Maine Beer Co. brew right now out of respect to Cooper Flagg.

At random events for work I tell people that Andy Wong is my uncle.

Hey gang of stick-tappers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You just have to let the draft come to you.”

2025 NBA Draft had no shortage of cryers.

Whichever Market Basket executive pledges to once again start selling their hot dog rolls in packs of 8 instead of 6 has my vote to replace Artie T.

Yesterday at this time it was 94° with a real feel of 104°. In my part of RI that is NOT normal. Today it’s 65° and cloudy with a slight breeze. 30 degrees of difference in 24 hours is nuts.

Lying about being a women’s basketball insider is deranged.

Wander Franco got 2-year suspended sentence for raping a 14-year-old? Was Jerry Thornton the judge?

I miss when Rod Thorn used to do the second round of the draft.

Overrate the Kowloon some more.

News Item: Phil Pressey has been named the new Head Coach of the Maine Celtics.

Don’t feel bad for Damian Lillard. This is a win-win. Dame had a player option for next summer that he was considering not exercising. No secret living away from family in Milwaukee was a challenge. So he gets his $ and is now an unrestricted free agent free to go where HE wants.

Hey Sydney Sweeney, fair warning, Tom Brady has to be an awful fuck. You know he can’t just enjoy it; he’s got to execute in all three phases.

Bobby Bonilla Day BWAHAHAHAHAHA! AMIRITE?

You know you’ve been in this draft watching game a long time when the player your team drafts looks like your son’s best friend.

Roberto Alomar gave Shaughnessy’s niece AIDS. Well, that’s how I heard it.

Honk if you remember when Pete Abe tweeted out a screen shot of some random Instagram girl’s ass and then pretended like he got hacked.

You can tell Bill and Ryen are serious basketball analysts by how often they refer to players as “assets.”

Was going thru my whiskey bottles to grab one for vacation and couldn’t believe how much i have in the house. Haven’t touched it since December. Wowowo allowing my gray matter neurons to heal.

A nice screened in porch is the perfect summer amenity.

Marner, if he ends up with Boston, will change spelling of last name to MAH-nuh. Just to assimilate.

I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV
I’m working out most every day and watching what I eat
They tell me that it’s good for me, but I don’t even care
I know that it’s crazy
I know that it’s nowhere
But there is no denying that

It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
It’s hip to be square
So hip to be square.

Yeah, the guy who got fired from the two-hour Saturday morning show is tapped into the Celtics’ front office.

A: Chico, Burrito, and Shaman.

In New England culture sometimes all carbonated soft drinks are referred to as tonic.

Bruins should take a look at Brynov Tsaevarski.

If BYU If doesn’t want their student-athletes having sex they should just have them all get married.

“One may know how to draft without knowing how to do it” – Sun Tzu Dupont

Did Jordon Hudson outbid Pablo Torre for a pair of heels on eBay? WTF.

Get well soon, Red Panda.

Best bet for the weekend: the busiest Fourth of July ever for travel.

*Hearing reports traffic is backed up from the Cape bridges to the gas tanks.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. HBD USA.

*And happy birthday to supermodel, actress and Texas gal Jerry Hall, who appeared in the 1992 film, ‘Freejack.’*

06/25/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 25, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Thanks for helping the Celtics earn Banner 18, gentlemen. Good luck with your new squads.*

Congrats to the Sonic Thunder. Does that count as their second title, or is appropriating another city’s titles just an LA thing?

Should’ve at least gotten Yaz back for Raffy, that’s just an obvious one, Craig.

Anfernee for Jrue is also an upgrade in the important ‘preposterously spelled first name’ category.

I’ll say this: a woman who shits herself hasn’t owned Boston this hard since Uta Pippig won the Marathon back in ‘96.

Carrabis is so personally hurt that another guy with a tattoo sleeve doesn’t want to be besties with him.

Monday morning quarterbacking here but it would have been cool to see Mikayla Timpson minutes as a counter to the Valkyries frontcourt speed.

Kristian Campbell’s slump is like a cough that you think is only going to last two weeks but instead it keeps getting worse and you wonder if you are even going to make it out of it alive.

Georges Niang looks like a heroin dealer on the Marseilles waterfront.

Holy fuck, was that sun ridiculously goddamn hot here in Boston yesterday. Not sure I remember ever feeling this level of heat before. Check on your neighbors to make sure they have enough water and Percocet.

Prediction: KD will be happy for two months and then get hurt and then be mad that the crowd cheered too loud for VanVleet when he was out and he’ll demand a trade.

Casually dropping the N bomb on air is insane.

Cakes are cooking for June Lockhart, Peter Blake, James Meredith, Eddie Floyd, Carly Simon, Jimmie Walker, Lee Wilkof, Tim Finn, David Paich, Sonia Sotomayor, Paris Themmen, Ricky Gervais, Doug Gilmour, Mike Stanley, Dell Curry, John McCrea, Aaron Sele, Angela Kinsey, Carlos Delgado, Milan Hnilicka, Vernon Crawford, Linda Cardellini, José Cancela, Busy Philipps, Hirooki Goto, La La Anthony, Annaleigh Ashford, Benson Boone, and Mckenna Grace.

Strange loyalty to video game companies basically created arguing on the internet.

The only way WWE decides to hold a show in Saudi on Saturday, is if they’ve had assurances they’re not in danger. To all the tribal wrestling fans: I don’t believe they would send people into imminent danger to hold a freaking PLE.

How bad is the economy that Upton Bell is reduced to cruising in a *Planet Fitness*?

For those asking, yes, new Mets reliever Richard Lovelady has requested to go by his nickname Dicky. So it will be Dicky Lovelady from here on out.

Maybe that Sports Hub guy wanted Golden State assistant coach Nick Kerr’s boat?

If I see one more tweet about Len Bias dying I’m gonna…probably do nothing. But for fuck’s sake…

Hey gang of luckless motorists! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You are outside your mind if you think you’re sending me a picture of a dead deer,”

Every Red Sox podcaster looks like they have been accused of date rape at least once.

Green Line D branch: Eastbound delays of about 20 minutes due to a signal problem at Riverside. Trains may stand by at stations.

To the men at the gym: Put your nipple(s) away. Please.

I don’t know if I’m in the minority, but I despise when wrestlers have more than, like, 2 belts max.

Steph Curry is half a Nick Kerr.

Will the updated quarterly dummy rankings be released before the long July 4th weekend?

I thought BYFBO was “bring your fat butt over.”

Would advise all gay men with naturally hairy bodies to stop shaving their legs. It looks weird. As a hairy Jew/Italian myself, trim is great. But totally smooth? Strange and unnatural.

Bob Ryan on Russillo’s pod claimed to be the president of the TJ McConnell fan club, then immediately called him TJ O’Connell.

NBC10 should change their call letters to WFKR.

Fun fact: There’s more jazz in Utah than there are lakes in Los Angeles.

Never trust anyone who doesn’t like Joe Walsh. Even people who hate the Eagles are like “But Joe Walsh is alright.”

I’m already annoyed by the people at the gym tomorrow morning.

In other great news, Drake Mayeberry finally married the first girl he ever kissed. This doesn’t bode well for his decision-making ability.

Dozier > Hozier.

Jaylen Brown cannot dribble and does not appreciate infrastructure.

Has Jonathan Bowen shipped out to Iran yet?

As a kid, I cleaned the theaters at the local movie theater on the weekends. I’d sometimes ask for the promotional posters. I had a Howard the Duck poster, which I’d affixed to my bedroom wall for years. He was right next to Heather Thomas. Sigh.

This Nick Kerr is crazy!

Did anyone else ever have a nun turning the World Series game on the radio when 1 o’clock rolled around?

I got you, that’s all I want
I won’t forget, that’s a whole lot
I don’t go out, not now that you’re in
Sometimes we shout, but that’s no problem

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened
You can see my eyes, you can tell that I’m not lyin’

Look at you, you’re a pageant
You’re everything, that I’ve imagined
Somethings wrong, I feel uneasy
You show me, tell me you’re not teasin’

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened
You can see my eyes, you can tell that I’m not lyin’

The Aaron Rodgers and Pittsburgh Steelers situation fascinates me.

Honk if you remember the Skybox Restaurant & Sports Bar.

Do you denounce Kate Peter? And all her works?

Dakota Johnson on ‘Hot Ones’ made me appreciate her so much more. Something about the vulnerability the show creates in people can show you who they are. She seems so genuine.

Chet Holmgren is just a tall version of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite after he gets a black gf.

These sincere apologizes are becoming increasingly frequent and insincere.

Karen Read is built like Chris Klemmer.

Wayne’s Fatha is going to be disappointed when he discovers PLAYA BOWLS isn’t a competitor to Wamesit Lanes.

Aloha may mean many things. But pae ʻia means ‘stranded.’

Congratulations to Zdeno Chara & Joe Thornton on making the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Best bet for the weekend: a great crowd coming out to root on the Free Jacks.

“Well, it is finally official. Murder is legal in the state of Massachusetts.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t have to prove to me you’re beautiful to strangers, I’ve got lovin’ eyes of my own.

*Heather. Thomas. Poster. Think she’s any good? Heh heh heh.*

05/21/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 21, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Love, I get so lost*, sometimes.
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart.

I wish I could group hug Celtics fam right now.

Society has moved past the point of needing to know Emmanuel Acho’s opinion on literally any subject.

Natasha Howard is such an upgrade over NaLyssa Smith at the 4 spot for Fever.

If that is a foul on Brunson, then consider me Miles Davis.

people saying that KP has….. AIDS because he got benched for shortness of breath

I’m not going to make jokes about Mexican sailors.

Scottie Scheffler is the 2nd best golfer of my lifetime. Yeah I said it.

Journalism wins The Preakness, but is immediately laid off and replaced with a younger horse.

I have never been called for jury duty, and I’d like to, but I do have serious concerns about my ability to stay awake throughout an entire trial.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Cox, Ronald Isley, Leo Sayer, Al Franken, Mr. T, John Galvin, Stan Lynch, Bruce Buffer, Judge Reinhold, Renée Soutendijk, Kent Hrbek, Havoc [Kejuan Muchita], Ricky Williams, Goyte, Beth Botsford, Josh Hamilton, Tay Zonday, Gary Woodland, Andrew Miller, Cody Johnson, Laura Loomer, Hannah Einbinder, and Josh Allen.

Lynn Ferry Cancellation: The 5:45 PM trip from Long Wharf to Blossom Street Pier is cancelled today due to rough seas. A shuttle bus will be available at State St @ Atlantic Ave to take passengers to Lynn.

Can’t wait for the Superman soundtrack to have an absolutely outrageous song choice that somehow works perfectly. Like ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ in GOTG 3 or ‘Just A Gigolo’ in The Suicide Squad. James Gunn is a genius when it comes to this stuff.

Alexander Graham Bell is probably thinking, “First Sir David Ortiz, then Sir Alex Cora. Why do these Boston Red Sox of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dislike my invention so much?”

This Brooklyn Bridge thing is unfortunately going to put a dent in my previously high opinion of the Mexican Navy.

Win or lose this series, it’s been so much fun to see the Nuggets find their soul again after the way they went out last season.

I do fear these Sox City Connect Air Max 270’s go stoopy dummy.

Ferry Service for Memorial Day, Monday, May 26: F1 Hingham to Boston Ferry – No Service F2H Hingham/Hull/Logan to Boston Ferry – Sunday Service East Boston/Charlestown/Lynn/Winthrop & Quincy Ferries – Weekend Schedule

People have always been fearful and jealous of philosopher-entrepreneurs.

Hey gang of idiots! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m going to go on on a lemon.”

All the best weddings happen on a random Thursday in May.

There’s a reason the Mexicans lost their Gulf.

Dave O’Brien was awfully excited to announce that George Wendt died.

I hate tinder. Yeah you can have FUN with dummies but it’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a girl that will call me out on my bullshit.

The world needs more obese, autistic baseball afficionados.

Rupert Holmes’ lawyers are absolute sharks!

Maybe the Mexicans could have trained on something simpler, like barges.

Threw NONNAS on the other night and ended up enjoying the hell out of it. Nice little heart-warmer.

Are there shitty seats at weddings? Nose bleeds? Obstructed view?

Please consider giving support to my Karen Read fundraiser so that she and her lawyer can afford a better vodka than Grey Goose!

Does Coach Bill know about the engagement?

I don’t want to meet the person who buys used furniture.

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothin’
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that, though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The Bruins get a 1st round pick because the Leafs choked a Game 7. God is a Bruins fan.

Honk if you remember Electric Light Orchestra.

I watched my 14-yr old boy absolutely take over an AAU tourney/game this past weekend and carry his f’ing team to a win like an elite player should. Moved me to tears watching it. The kind of feeling that you can’t really explain as a parent. You just sit there in awe nodding your head and feel overwhelmed. Inspiring stuff.

Nobody ever called into ‘Ask the Manager’ and asked for more ‘Petticoat Junction’ reruns.

On The Rewatchables ep about Close Encounters, Bill Simmons says the lack of iPhones made the movie age badly. He also calls out, “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Richard Cord.” Simmons is the ultimate media shitlib GenXer. He just doesn’t care about anything.

Many of the entitled play Pickleball.

Can’t tell me how many inches of snow there’ll be but sure put out your rainfall forecast in thousandths of an inch.

Did Belichick record his audio book from a flophouse?

Anybody remember when the Sox drafted a guy named Lars Anderson? Big LH first baseman, nice swing. I remember (Seriously) somebody in Boston’s unpaid sports media saying he’d be the first .400 hitter since Ted W. Don’t think he ever got an at bat in the majors. Ah, Old Times.

Did not know this but Brad Marchand’s nickname with the Panthers is -The Rat King..

The Seabees were definitely 86ing terrorists. You can read all about it at their museum over at Quonset Point.

The Tush Push would be a great Provincetown sports bar name.

Best bet for the weekend: people eagerly anticipating being allowed to wear white shoes again.

*We love you Jayson, but giving the thumbs up from a hospital bed is an invitation to doom.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Twist and shout.

*And a happy birthday to actress & singer Fairuza Balk.*

05/07/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 7, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*If Stefon understands the new playbook as well as he understood the Met Gala ‘Black Dandyism’ theme, good times ahead in New England.*

If I were the Celtics I simply wouldn’t have missed 45 out of 60 of my 3-point shots.

Popular player with the additional benefit of recency bias wins popularity contest. Oh noes! Congratulations Julian.

Why do I love small ball so much?

Unfortunately because of my knee injury I sustained at the end of the season I wasn’t be able to attend the Met Gala in NY last night as so many people have been asking and congratulating me on! Hate to miss an historical event! My beautiful powerful Queen was there holding the castle down as she always has done!

May the Fourth only Star Wars Day if you have a lisp.

Interacting with me on this app is like dumping a packet of pop rocks in your mouth and then taking a swig of sprite and shaking your face around. I wouldn’t have it any other way. True story tho.

Get well soon Triston.

Celts and Knicks have only had two playoff series since 1990. Damn.

St Louis got the Jim Montgomery Experience.

Cakes are cooking for Christy Moore, Bill Danoff, Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb, Amy Heckerling, Phil “Wizzö” Campbell, Ronnie Harmon, Chris O’Connor, Eagle Eye Cherry, Katerina Maleeva, Breckin Meyer, Matt Helders, and Cameron Young.

I don’t think Ben Volin knows what a liquidation sale is.

May 7, 1925: Pittsburgh Pirates shortstop Glenn Wright records a rare unassisted triple play. Against St. Louis in the 9th inning he catches a liner hit by Jim Bottomley, steps on second base to retire Jimmy Cooney and tags out Rogers Hornsby. Still, the Cardinals win, 10-9.

I like how religious Jerry Thornton is after years of celebrating 13-year-old boys fucking their teachers.

Hey gang of hall monitors! Thsis week’s Phrase that Pays is, “With all due respect you look like you just woke up on a hospital floor.”

I hope the Lakers waited for the Clippers at LAX for the trip to Cancun.

How come I never see the Mets at the Met Gala?

Same old Red Sox that we have seen for four years, isn’t it? Play well for a week, give away games the next, injuries at key spots, players playing positions they’re really not good at, middle relief is as reliable as Motel 6 air conditioning.

Just had a beer in the Cask with Justin Topa’s dad.

The Bill Russell Bridge (aka the new ‘Close the fuckin’ bridge!’ Bridge) and Boston Harbor are awash in green (the Harbor’s color about 35-40 years ago).

Sometimes a morning shower really hits perfectly.

Orange Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM Friday, May 9, through end of service Sunday, May 18. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to MassDOT bridge work.

How many goddamn slaves you need for a camel race?

I shouldn’t confuse Lily-Rose Depp and Millie Bobby Brown. But I do.

So I just learned that there’s a Wahlburgers about 5 miles away. I love a good burger, but not with a ton of crap on it. Meat, cheese, mustard, bread. Maybe some bacon. Not paying for crap I don’t want to eat.

Go on and close the curtains
‘Cause all we need is candlelight
You and me, and a bottle of wine
To hold you tonight (oh, yeah)
Well, we know I’m going away
And how I wish, I wish it weren’t so
So take this wine and drink with me
And let’s delay our misery:

Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone.
Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone.

I got a dwi one Halloween dressed as Hulk Hogan. Couldn’t even get Jimmy Hart on the phone. Someone threw an apple at my head.

Honk if you remember Shelley Long.

It’s got to kill the media to finally get rid of Belichick but then have to deal with Joe.

Hey Dart Adams: What were the circumstances surrounding John Amos leaving Good Times? $ or creative differences?

Mammoth? Like the rock band named after the rock band?

I can’t hear C.F. McCarthy’s without thinking of Tipsy McStaggers.

There’s still time to fire Kerr and replace him with Jim Park.

Maybe Will Campbell knew he was getting drafted by the New England Patriots and that’s why he wore green. He knew it was his last night to wear New York Jets colors.

Stop skippping The Preakness, Kentucky Derby winning horse owner guys, sultans, & conglomerates!

The Revs: owning?

Best bet for the weekend: earnest but hopeless attempts to serve mom breakfast in bed.

*Pamela Anderson goes makeup free and looks incredible at the 2025 Met Gala.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Victory!

*OK, that was mean. Here’s actress Sydney Sweeney who was also at the Met Gala.*

04/16/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 16, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

You know shit’s bad when Cora takes the blame.

It’s sad Don Hasselbeck won’t rest in peace seeing as he played for the Patriots before Parcells arrived and brought respectability to the franchise.

I thought I was buggin’. I was like wait, that’s DWhite??

Wait, the guy with like 10,000 tweets about Deuce Tatum turned out to be a creep? If only there were signs!

I am officially done doubting Paddy Pimblett, never again.

Shane Baz looks like a 55-year-old booze bag at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

I’m happy for Rory and whatever country he says he’s from today.

Cam in Taunton’s mom could steal 2nd on Blake Sabol.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Lonborg, Bob Montgomery, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Belichick, Billy West, Ellen Barkin, Bruce Bochy, Anne Kursinski, David Pate, Ian MacKaye, Garry Galley, Dave Pirner, Jon Cryer, Martin Lawrence, Grace Kim, Steve Emtman, Natasha Zvereva, Peter Billingsley, Tracey K. Smith, Akon, Lukas Haas, Gina Carano, Luol Deng, Chance the Rapper, and Sadie Sink.

On this Netflix Red Sox show, MegO still has a job.

Green Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem near Copley.

Irons is just upset because he pays his bills.

I’m happy C.M Punk gets his WrestleMania main event. Much deserved. But I don’t know if I like it being a triple-threat. Why couldn’t Roman Reigns be Punk’s opponent and slot Rollins into the Jey/Gunther title match?

The Ten Commandments. ABC.

There’s a million bagel shops but why no places that specialize in rye toast?

My wife this morning used the term “high-falutin”, which used to be something you’d hear every day. Is falutin actually a word? Is it used in any other context, or does the only falutin have to be high falutin?

You can tell you’re in Barcelona by the amount of Dutch people working at the hotel.

Why is Dave O’Brien surprised that Rod Beck had a camper?

I feel like Upton Bell when I watch Lee Remick.

I wonder if Abby Chin’s husband even bothers (Vulgar Term Redacted). He’s just hungry again a half-hour later.

Hey gang of questionably sane aspiring Canadian post-graduates! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “That is definitely the right Doctor specialty for me.”

All those quirky gayisms aren’t so cute when you suck.

I think I can prove Karen Read is innocent. There is a ‘magic bullet’ aspect to this case the defense is missing.

Boneless buffalo wings?? An aristocrat!

I believe our balls can be kept nice and clean without any rotary machinery!

Garrett Crochet reminds me of some other big lefty from the past, but I can’t quite say who. I’m talking about motion/delivery/release point. Somebody else who was good threw like that, but I can’t quite get there. Anybody?

I liked Jason Statham in ‘Agent of the Commonwealth.’

I can’t believe someone with all those vowels in their last name would miss the point so badly.

Honk if you remember Bill Rodgers.

My source for all things Flau’jae Johnson is obviously Owen Pence.

What is the hiring process like at Barstool? It’s a bunch of guys nicknamed Duggs who all weigh 900 pounds.

Put me out of my misery
I’d do it for you, would you do it for me
We will always be busy making misery

We could build a factory and make misery
We’ll create the cure; we made the disease
Frustrated Incorporated
Frustrated Incorporated.

The Accountant is insane. Affleck trying to act like an autistic weirdo who’s really good at both Rain Man-like forensic accounting and shooting people in the head.

Dale Arnold has to stand there like a cuck and watch Sophia do his job.

As they say in Sometimes a Great Notion, never give an inch.

My favorite thing about the Chat GPT action figures is when fat women make one in their own likeness and say, “Why do I look so fat?”

I got a skanky spam email. Don’t open any attachments from me.

Asbestos is a carcinogen? That’s a myth from big fiberglass.

Does anyone know if this is the first time that all four American-based Original Six teams have missed the playoffs?

I saw Pasta’s goal in the elevator. I’ve never experienced that before.

Steve Buckley writes an ‘Adam Viniatieri belongs in the Pats HOF’ article, and of course a Jim Lonborg story breaks out.

These Rays/Sox games at Steinbrenner Field feels like a Cape Cod League game.

Pluto, Fubo; it’s all the same thing.

Cameron Tabatabaie joins an illustrious history of Boston sports twitter sex perverts. We haven’t seen one this nasty since the likes of Craig Teed.

Best bet for the weekend: the bestest Easter dinner ever.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Smack that, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

*And happy birthday to British/American actress Anya Taylor-Joy.*

04/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Soon. A little home cookin’ is what this team needs.*

It’s never a good sign when your publicity stunt is initially thought of as an April Fool’s Day prank.

Officially tuning into Devers at bats like it’s Sosa-McGwire.

If it is the University of Denver, why do they go by DU? That doesn’t make sense. What am I missing @DU_Pioneers?

I just paid $7 for a loaf of bread. I hate it here.

Starting to believe the Red Sox might actually need THE BUTCHIE.

All baseball bats are torpedo shaped.

Flexing the gift card in the photo like it’s an Audi key fob.

I feel like people who grew up without money save things for a rainy day. And it’s really an unfair system.

‘Dan Campbell but he grew up further away from power lines’ is a tough sell for me.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Smith, Emmylou Harris, Ayako Okamoto, David Robinson, Juha Kankkunen, Christopher Meloni, Keren Jane Woodward, Clark Gregg, Bill Romanowski, Greg Camp, Tammi Reiss, Roselyn Sanchez, Pedro Pascal, Adam Rodriguez, Rory Sabbatini, Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Bloom, Yung Joc, Jesse Plemons, Quavo, and Zach Bryan.

I’d like to think Parcells has as much use for a red jacket as Belichick does for an AFC championship trophy.

Isaiah Stewart needs like a hug or a role model or something.

MBTA CR – Greenbush Line trains will experience severe delays due to police activity on the right of way in the Cohasset area.

All the best hitting coaches tell you to flare your elbows, be as rigid as possible, and slide forward with every swing.

I can tell I’m turning into a curmudgeon because I hate almost every internet “trend” or gimmick or whatever. Like this dude with his ice and his banana can fuck off. I just get irrationally angry whenever I even see a banana near some ice water now.

Irons is just mad I got a free Big Gulp yesterday morning.

Original Mystique?! The chairs are cooking now!

Pretty, pretty good road trip, Celtics.

Jack Clark hit the second most impactful home run of the 1980s. Prove me wrong..

Richard Chamberlain was the Wilt Chamberlain of gay guys.

A team secretly made new bats? This like the 1983 America’s Cup all over again!

Can you brandish anything other than a weapon?

Hey now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shootin’ stars break the mold.

Needy Kraft gets the attention he craves, the local media gets their hero Duane shoehorned (tracksuited?) into the Pats HoF, it’s a Win-Win-Lose!

I once forgot to wear my shoes in the house and was limited to only five vacation weeks that year.

Honk if you remember Dennis Conner.

I know it has been a long time and nobody cares, but there is no way in hell Kevin Mitchell was more valuable than Will Clark in 1989.

NEWSMAX debuts on the New York Stock Exchange and Bianca isn’t there to ring the bell? Outrageous!

A: Store brand.

Jeff Howe still hasn’t broken the Stefon Diggs news.

Irons is just mad that his teeth aren’t the color of roasted almonds.

Why does Bill Simmons pronounce it “Mim-phis?”

I’m just saying stop bothering us with your life-altering family tragedies.

Best bet for the weekend: a #1 seed winning. Or two!

*BdlG saved her points for a rainy day.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I grew up lower middle class.