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05/21/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 21, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Love, I get so lost*, sometimes.
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart.

I wish I could group hug Celtics fam right now.

Society has moved past the point of needing to know Emmanuel Acho’s opinion on literally any subject.

Natasha Howard is such an upgrade over NaLyssa Smith at the 4 spot for Fever.

If that is a foul on Brunson, then consider me Miles Davis.

people saying that KP has….. AIDS because he got benched for shortness of breath

I’m not going to make jokes about Mexican sailors.

Scottie Scheffler is the 2nd best golfer of my lifetime. Yeah I said it.

Journalism wins The Preakness, but is immediately laid off and replaced with a younger horse.

I have never been called for jury duty, and I’d like to, but I do have serious concerns about my ability to stay awake throughout an entire trial.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Cox, Ronald Isley, Leo Sayer, Al Franken, Mr. T, John Galvin, Stan Lynch, Bruce Buffer, Judge Reinhold, Renée Soutendijk, Kent Hrbek, Havoc [Kejuan Muchita], Ricky Williams, Goyte, Beth Botsford, Josh Hamilton, Tay Zonday, Gary Woodland, Andrew Miller, Cody Johnson, Laura Loomer, Hannah Einbinder, and Josh Allen.

Lynn Ferry Cancellation: The 5:45 PM trip from Long Wharf to Blossom Street Pier is cancelled today due to rough seas. A shuttle bus will be available at State St @ Atlantic Ave to take passengers to Lynn.

Can’t wait for the Superman soundtrack to have an absolutely outrageous song choice that somehow works perfectly. Like ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ in GOTG 3 or ‘Just A Gigolo’ in The Suicide Squad. James Gunn is a genius when it comes to this stuff.

Alexander Graham Bell is probably thinking, “First Sir David Ortiz, then Sir Alex Cora. Why do these Boston Red Sox of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dislike my invention so much?”

This Brooklyn Bridge thing is unfortunately going to put a dent in my previously high opinion of the Mexican Navy.

Win or lose this series, it’s been so much fun to see the Nuggets find their soul again after the way they went out last season.

I do fear these Sox City Connect Air Max 270’s go stoopy dummy.

Ferry Service for Memorial Day, Monday, May 26: F1 Hingham to Boston Ferry – No Service F2H Hingham/Hull/Logan to Boston Ferry – Sunday Service East Boston/Charlestown/Lynn/Winthrop & Quincy Ferries – Weekend Schedule

People have always been fearful and jealous of philosopher-entrepreneurs.

Hey gang of idiots! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m going to go on on a lemon.”

All the best weddings happen on a random Thursday in May.

There’s a reason the Mexicans lost their Gulf.

Dave O’Brien was awfully excited to announce that George Wendt died.

I hate tinder. Yeah you can have FUN with dummies but it’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a girl that will call me out on my bullshit.

The world needs more obese, autistic baseball afficionados.

Rupert Holmes’ lawyers are absolute sharks!

Maybe the Mexicans could have trained on something simpler, like barges.

Threw NONNAS on the other night and ended up enjoying the hell out of it. Nice little heart-warmer.

Are there shitty seats at weddings? Nose bleeds? Obstructed view?

Please consider giving support to my Karen Read fundraiser so that she and her lawyer can afford a better vodka than Grey Goose!

Does Coach Bill know about the engagement?

I don’t want to meet the person who buys used furniture.

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothin’
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
Guess that I don’t need that, though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The Bruins get a 1st round pick because the Leafs choked a Game 7. God is a Bruins fan.

Honk if you remember Electric Light Orchestra.

I watched my 14-yr old boy absolutely take over an AAU tourney/game this past weekend and carry his f’ing team to a win like an elite player should. Moved me to tears watching it. The kind of feeling that you can’t really explain as a parent. You just sit there in awe nodding your head and feel overwhelmed. Inspiring stuff.

Nobody ever called into ‘Ask the Manager’ and asked for more ‘Petticoat Junction’ reruns.

On The Rewatchables ep about Close Encounters, Bill Simmons says the lack of iPhones made the movie age badly. He also calls out, “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Richard Cord.” Simmons is the ultimate media shitlib GenXer. He just doesn’t care about anything.

Many of the entitled play Pickleball.

Can’t tell me how many inches of snow there’ll be but sure put out your rainfall forecast in thousandths of an inch.

Did Belichick record his audio book from a flophouse?

Anybody remember when the Sox drafted a guy named Lars Anderson? Big LH first baseman, nice swing. I remember (Seriously) somebody in Boston’s unpaid sports media saying he’d be the first .400 hitter since Ted W. Don’t think he ever got an at bat in the majors. Ah, Old Times.

Did not know this but Brad Marchand’s nickname with the Panthers is -The Rat King..

The Seabees were definitely 86ing terrorists. You can read all about it at their museum over at Quonset Point.

The Tush Push would be a great Provincetown sports bar name.

Best bet for the weekend: people eagerly anticipating being allowed to wear white shoes again.

*We love you Jayson, but giving the thumbs up from a hospital bed is an invitation to doom.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Twist and shout.

*And a happy birthday to actress & singer Fairuza Balk.*

04/23/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 23, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Number 11 in your programs, NBA Sixth Man Winner for 2025.*

One thing you don’t wanna do is FAFO with the Celtics girlies.

Has Pedro Pascal’s schedule been too busy to do a Rosie Ruiz film?

“Griffin Canning” sounds like a mortgage-free Western Mass charity drive.

Episode 7, Reggie Lewis. Man.

Irons is just jealous because I have two scoops of raisins.

The TNA Champion getting a WrestleMania match? Unreal. The night gets even better.

One more mock draft and I’m throwing up in my mouth…..

At least the Celtics didn’t also list Tatum on the injury report for his emotional problems.

Cakes are cooking for Lee Majors, Blair Brown, Joyce DeWitt, Terry Moor, Judy Davis, Valerie Bertinelli, George Lopez, Magnús Ver Magnússon, Donna Weinbrecht, Melina Kanakaredes, Stan Frazier, Rachel Hetherington, Patrick Poulin, Sam Madison, Andruw Jones, John Cena, Jaime King, Joanna Krupa, Jessica Stam, Nicole Vaidišová, Gigi Hadad, Jake Kiszka, Josh Kiszka, and Chloe Kim.

Moxie is trans root beer. Tastes like a tree.

My comic book “Reasonable Doubt – In the Karen Read Case” is now available on Amazon. Dive into the details THEY don’t want you to see!

Laughter is the best medicine…except for Kratom.

I don’t know why everyone cares about RFK Jr’s thoughts on autism. That guy is retarded!

Five straight playoff losses for Linus Ullmark.

I question anyone that moves to Kentucky on purpose.

Only a sucker would have bet against the New England Revolution on the 250th Anniversary of Lexington and Concord.

Showers with your SO really are the best.

Hey gang of slumping underachievers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Look at me! I’m irritating old people!”

The tanning dye on Lucy’s hands is egregious.

Were there still dinosaur sportswriters bemoaning the 24 second shot clock ‘gimmick’ forty-five years after it was introduced?

I only leave the house when required.

My promise for Easter I will Never get on a Boeing 737 Plane.

It makes me sad a lot of ‘yall ‘will never know ab watermelon season in Arkansas.

I saw a pic of Kate Peter and she’s kinda hot.

Boston Celtics fans should be wearing green IMO. The NBA franchise I most associate with black attire is probably the Orlando Magic.

How come none of you MFers never told me how bomb sourdough bread is?

Sal, Your the Leader of the Band. Thank you.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world Dart Adams exists.

Is Jamal Webster serious with these questions?

Nelson Cruz has one of the most unusual career shapes of all time. He was literally five or six years late getting a foothold, for a player or that quality. Then he was short of the Hall of Fame, but not all that much short. Hit 464 homers, and wasn’t a bad right fielder.

What are they gonna do, melt down and tell me I’m worthless? My wife already does that.

Have to be believe KPerk needs help buttoning his shirt.

The only thing more pathetic than the Dondy/Ty holiday pairing is listening to them and trying to engage the show via Twitter.

The American Four of the Original Six should have a charity golf scramble.

I’m going back someday
Come what may, to Blue Bayou.
Where you sleep all day and the catfish play
On Blue Bayou.

All those fishin’ boats with their sails afloat
If I could only see.
That familiar sunrise through sleepy eyes
How happy I’d be.

Fun Fact: The slam dunk was invented by star player Curly “Heebie” Kikelberg, who helped lead CCNY to both the NCAA and NIT championships in 1950. He would later throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge after being implicated in a point-shaving scandal.

The College of Cardinals has won zero SEC Championships.

I’m glad Yaz’s grandson has had himself a decent MLB career. Just makes me smile.

Alice Cook; you still got it, kid.

Honk if you remember Rhéal Cormier.

Peter Schrager makes Chris Gasper look like Warren Beatty.

Andy Lugo, now he can flip a bat.

The amount of talent Nico Harrison has dumped is insane.

Why don’t they make the whole Red Sox bullpen out of hot-headed Cubans?

PK Subban should change his name to PK Acho.

People are frecklier than you expect when meeting them in person.

Best bet for the weekend: Green Line: Shuttle Buses replace service between Government Center and Medford/Tufts for maintenance work. Union Square riders can use Bus Routes 109, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line.

*And a happy birthday to Slovak tennis player Daniela Hantuchová.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Can we have class outside today?

04/16/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on April 16, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

You know shit’s bad when Cora takes the blame.

It’s sad Don Hasselbeck won’t rest in peace seeing as he played for the Patriots before Parcells arrived and brought respectability to the franchise.

I thought I was buggin’. I was like wait, that’s DWhite??

Wait, the guy with like 10,000 tweets about Deuce Tatum turned out to be a creep? If only there were signs!

I am officially done doubting Paddy Pimblett, never again.

Shane Baz looks like a 55-year-old booze bag at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

I’m happy for Rory and whatever country he says he’s from today.

Cam in Taunton’s mom could steal 2nd on Blake Sabol.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Lonborg, Bob Montgomery, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Belichick, Billy West, Ellen Barkin, Bruce Bochy, Anne Kursinski, David Pate, Ian MacKaye, Garry Galley, Dave Pirner, Jon Cryer, Martin Lawrence, Grace Kim, Steve Emtman, Natasha Zvereva, Peter Billingsley, Tracey K. Smith, Akon, Lukas Haas, Gina Carano, Luol Deng, Chance the Rapper, and Sadie Sink.

On this Netflix Red Sox show, MegO still has a job.

Green Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem near Copley.

Irons is just upset because he pays his bills.

I’m happy C.M Punk gets his WrestleMania main event. Much deserved. But I don’t know if I like it being a triple-threat. Why couldn’t Roman Reigns be Punk’s opponent and slot Rollins into the Jey/Gunther title match?

The Ten Commandments. ABC.

There’s a million bagel shops but why no places that specialize in rye toast?

My wife this morning used the term “high-falutin”, which used to be something you’d hear every day. Is falutin actually a word? Is it used in any other context, or does the only falutin have to be high falutin?

You can tell you’re in Barcelona by the amount of Dutch people working at the hotel.

Why is Dave O’Brien surprised that Rod Beck had a camper?

I feel like Upton Bell when I watch Lee Remick.

I wonder if Abby Chin’s husband even bothers (Vulgar Term Redacted). He’s just hungry again a half-hour later.

Hey gang of questionably sane aspiring Canadian post-graduates! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “That is definitely the right Doctor specialty for me.”

All those quirky gayisms aren’t so cute when you suck.

I think I can prove Karen Read is innocent. There is a ‘magic bullet’ aspect to this case the defense is missing.

Boneless buffalo wings?? An aristocrat!

I believe our balls can be kept nice and clean without any rotary machinery!

Garrett Crochet reminds me of some other big lefty from the past, but I can’t quite say who. I’m talking about motion/delivery/release point. Somebody else who was good threw like that, but I can’t quite get there. Anybody?

I liked Jason Statham in ‘Agent of the Commonwealth.’

I can’t believe someone with all those vowels in their last name would miss the point so badly.

Honk if you remember Bill Rodgers.

My source for all things Flau’jae Johnson is obviously Owen Pence.

What is the hiring process like at Barstool? It’s a bunch of guys nicknamed Duggs who all weigh 900 pounds.

Put me out of my misery
I’d do it for you, would you do it for me
We will always be busy making misery

We could build a factory and make misery
We’ll create the cure; we made the disease
Frustrated Incorporated
Frustrated Incorporated.

The Accountant is insane. Affleck trying to act like an autistic weirdo who’s really good at both Rain Man-like forensic accounting and shooting people in the head.

Dale Arnold has to stand there like a cuck and watch Sophia do his job.

As they say in Sometimes a Great Notion, never give an inch.

My favorite thing about the Chat GPT action figures is when fat women make one in their own likeness and say, “Why do I look so fat?”

I got a skanky spam email. Don’t open any attachments from me.

Asbestos is a carcinogen? That’s a myth from big fiberglass.

Does anyone know if this is the first time that all four American-based Original Six teams have missed the playoffs?

I saw Pasta’s goal in the elevator. I’ve never experienced that before.

Steve Buckley writes an ‘Adam Viniatieri belongs in the Pats HOF’ article, and of course a Jim Lonborg story breaks out.

These Rays/Sox games at Steinbrenner Field feels like a Cape Cod League game.

Pluto, Fubo; it’s all the same thing.

Cameron Tabatabaie joins an illustrious history of Boston sports twitter sex perverts. We haven’t seen one this nasty since the likes of Craig Teed.

Best bet for the weekend: the bestest Easter dinner ever.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Smack that, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.