News Item: Kansas City Chiefs win Fairness Bowl I.
Don’t fret, local sports fans: Spring Training has started!
Have you been named a Patriots Assistant Coach? Are you sure? Check your spam folder.
The Super Bowl is Darren Rovell’s Super Bowl.
Post Malone looks like the desk you’d have to sit in during detention.
Brad Marchand: One. Thousand. Games.
Funny how the Joe Montana “Never lost a Super Bowl” GOAT threshold went ‘poof’ when it wasn’t Tom Brady threatening the title.
Was the SB Halftime Show sponsored by Valtrex?
Summary of advertising agencies intricate strategy for Super Bowl ads: “Look, here’s a celebrity!”
CGI Tim Wakefield on that Netflix Red Sox show is gonna give me all the feels.
Cakes are cooking for Carl Bernstein, Jackie Martling, Teller, Kevin Keegan, Alan Hunter, Jim Kelly, Enrico Colantoni, Jules Asner, Simon Pegg, Gheorghe Muresan, Drew Bledsoe, Rob Thomas, and Tyler Clippard.
Evander Kane don’t want no scrubs.
Queen Mina doesn’t need to grind tape. She knows the pew pew when she sees it live.
Bill Barnwell looks like a thumb’s big toe.
Usher’s catalog isn’t very poppy. They should have made the whole halftime show out of Luda.
Congratulations again to the Northeastern Huskies on their Beanpot win. Celebrate by spending another year in college.
It’s not the real meteorologists for the most part – it’s the asshole hobbyists with WX in their names that can’t wait to see a frontogenesisbomb! Wait until the 06z NAM!!! Same cut of prick that loves screaming Horns!! And Elevator Doors!!
Hey gang of chronic overthinkers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We wanted the ball third.”
Seth Curry has played for more teams than Frankie de la Cretaz.
Green Line B Branch Update: Delays of about 20 minutes after an earlier switch problem near Copley. Riders may use Bus Rt 57 for alternate service between Kenmore and Packard’s Corner.
Theo’s first big move in Boston: Pearl Jam is coming back to play at Fenway.
Fuck, hate to see that shit happen anywhere to anyone. Just gutting to watch. Yet in the aftermath, the Rangers camaraderie—particularly Lafrenière— with a fallen peer was a heartwarming moment during a heartbreaking scene. Wishing the best for Sergachev.
why do blind people need to take photos?
Nate Burleson was dressed like a megachurch pastor about to go to jail for embezzlement.
Fun Fact: Karen Guregian and Gerry Callahan graduated together at Chelmsford HS in 1979. That’s a shitty senior class with lasting repercussions.
I’m sure this time the Fantastic Four movie won’t suck.
Super Bowl ads for Jesus and for lotion. Do people not know about these things already?
Jonny Miller only owns 1 outfit like Bart Simpson.
Am I the only one who always confused Charlotte Corday with Claudine Longet?
Pro Wrestling is more than in-ring work. If all you like is in-ring work, you’re really a gymnastics fan.
A: Acquired Inconsistent Dribbling Syndrome.
My funny Valentine. Sweet comic Valentine. You make me smile with my heart.
Your looks are laughable. Unphotographable, Yet you’re my favorite work of art.
Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak When you open it to speak? Are you smart?
But don’t change a hair for me, Not if you care for me, Stay little Valentine stay;
Each day is Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Hypothetical: What if Beyonce dated an NHL player?
Krafty Bob spends more time on red carpets than Brianna Pirre.
Honk if you remember Torvill and Dean.
CONCACAF? More like CONCAC-AF!! Right!? Right? Okay.
Upton Bell mistook Ice Spice for Fanne Foxe.
Kansas City has now won 3 Super Bowls in the Mahomes era. They’ve been called for offensive holding zero times in those 3 wins.
Does everybody still have a mix of soaps and disinfectants setting around that they bought early in the pandemic and never completely used? Or is it just me?
Kenley Jansen has the locker that used to be Chris Sale’s, in case you like to keep track of these things.
Well, the good news is that the country at large turns on you like a snake after you win the Super Bowl three times. Right?
I was dying for another Planet of the Apes movie.
Best bet for the weekend: Nothing but good vibes from the Fort!
One Large Irregular, please.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. HVD.
Breaking News: Bianca would be happy to be your Valentine.
Both the bar & grill and its namesake are now gone.
With his third DUI arrest, Pat Mahomes Sr. now qualifies as a branch on the Andy Reid family tree.
I wonder how much ownership stake it took for Theo Epstein to agree to be a human shield.
Sick of the BS from the zebras with Marchand again. The entire team can’t get a call because he’s the Captain and was an asshole ten years ago.
Any time you can rig the Super Bowl for a media market smaller than Hartford, you gotta do it.
If you can’t spot the Dan Greenberg of your group chat, then you’re the Dan Greenberg of your group chat.
Cakes are cooking for Rolf Benirschke, Emo Phillips, Carney Lansford, James Spader, Garth Brooks, Chris Rock, Sully Erna, Alex Bassi, Robyn Lively, Steve Nash, Ashton Kutcher, John Leicester, Matt Stafford, and Steven Stamkos.
What am I going to do with all of my extra Bluesky codes now?
Gary Kubiak went the Clemens & Kardashian route of having all his kids names start with K? Gross.
Chris Curtis was excited to announce the news of Carl Weathers passing. RIP.
So they stuffed all the media covering the Super Bowl into the Luxor, which is apparently a dump? Good.
If you have two Patrick Passes, you have none.
Red Line Reminder: Through February 14 Shuttle buses replace Red Line service all day between Alewife and Harvard, due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Park St after 8:45 PM each day. Regular service will resume on February 15.
Would you rather be Nemo from Finding Nemo or the shark from Jaws?
Usher is finishing up a 2-year residency in Vegas. Assumed it was at the Circus Circus buffet.
I’m disappointed in Dumb Donkey Noise.
Bill Clinton’s presidency ended 23 years ago…. and he’s still younger than the two current candidates.
The ‘Ruth Gordon’ IG filter was a bad idea.
Felger must be wondering now if that’s also a fake Gene Lavanchy leaving things at his house.
It would be nice if wrestling fans could just let a story play out instead of thinking they should get instant satisfaction crammed into every 3-hour Raw or 2-hour Smackdown.
Put more jelly on your toast.
News Item: Red Sox to be 1st MLB team featured in all-access Netflix documentary series.
I guess my sarcasm doesn’t always translate.
Hey glow-up gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She’s lovely, just an enormous waste of humanity.”
I know I’m old and out of loop musically, but if someone is really “iconic,” I really think that even I should have heard of them.
Eric Bieniemy must be the worst interviewee in the world.
1,100 bats seems like a lot of bats.
You can’t use ED to mean ‘eating disorder!’ Those initials are spoken for!
Taylor Kyles can’t keep talking about reviving Mac Jones. He just can’t.
Red Sox Nation is still accepting applications to its in-house tortured poets department.
Get well soon Bill James.
Lombardi bringing up Lee Harvey Oswald at every possible opportunity is a funny bit.
You know I love the ladies Love to have my fun I’m a high life flyer and a rainbow rider A straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun (Alright) I said a straight shootin’ son-of-a-gun.
Joy to the world All the boys and girls Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea Joy to you and me.
Shukri Wright is owed $46,394.30 and he’ll never find out.
Toby Keith wanted to add Riblets to his Bar & Grill menu; it fell to Upton Bell to inform him that Applebees Owns Riblets.
Honk if you remember Paul & Al’s wacky Claiborne Pell.
Imagine being turned down by Nick Caley, of all people, while you jet off to the Grammys?
Bankrupt Audacy didn’t sent any WEEI talent to broadcast from Radio Row? Weird.
I ain’t calling no grown man, ‘Bronny.’
One week from today Red Sox pitchers and catchers will be holding their first official work out in Fort Myers.
Monique needs to go breathe in the woods.
I wonder if Apollo Creed was based on any real-life pugilist?
Extremely telling and problematic that in sports there are only stats for how many points you scored. No stat for how many spirits you lifted. How many hearts you warmed.
Best bet for the weekend: Tie: Swifties on FlightAware/The Drake Curse.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW Poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine.
No shadow so that means an earlier Bianca picture than normal.
Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo felt snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.
Your New England Free Jacks won the Major League Rugby Championship.
The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.
“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.
Dan Orlovsky is the worst person UConn Athletics has foisted onto society including Tate George being in the clink and Johnny McEntee spearheading January 6.
Very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.
“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.
Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.
We officially have a surplus of pitchbots.
It’s possible to take the dick and not tweet about it.
It’s almost as if Dug Kyed was lying when he said he had a bunch of job offers and loved being at A to Z Sports.
If you like athletic blondes with ponytails then that Norway – New Zealand Women’s World Cup game was for you. Hope you caught it live.
People are ready to blow their fucking brains out when Belichick brings Patricia and Judge back but cream their shorts when the same lazy media blowhards take turns hiring each other at their fake publications.
The sheer magnitude of the landscape bewildering to the league is beyond the pale of comprehensive.
It’s apparently very hard for players to understand the NFL’s “don’t bet on football games” rule.
Kendra is bussin’.
Bruce Arena said Doris Burke isn’t very good at her job. He’s done.
Creating a false W-2 is a crime.
If Alex Morgan’s exasperated looks were goals the US would have comfortably been atop Group E.
Bluesky is still in beta.
Jayson Tatum lets Deuce go out in the direct sunlight? I figured he was like the children in that Nicole Kidman haunted house movie.
Had no idea Paxton had a knuckle curve.
A summer party without a cake…is like a rainy day.
The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.
Lipless coffee pots! Million-dollar idea.
Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.
If you put native corn on the grill that is a complete waste.
Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the Aussie locals.
Every NBA player have a fucking podcast.
How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.
Penn Entertainment got the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy got to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo
Dugie thinks being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican.
Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.
I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.
The Governor of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’
Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.
You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.
Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.
A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.
All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.
Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin.
Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.
There are no cool people that take ketamine.
‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.
Pascoag has a microbrewery.
If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.
Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.
Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns.
Houck unraveled quickly.
The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.
Mac knows he has to be better.
The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.
Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.
I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.
Terry Pegula and Jerry Jones seem nice.
There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.
Jeff Passan should make a baseball bat and a ventriloquist dummy using the tree branch that fell on him.
Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.
Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.
It must have been a short discussion about the IR between JuJu and the team.
WWE wrestler Test died in 2009? Cross him off, then.
You don’t need and most likely cannot handle a Belgian Malinois. don’t do it.
‘Sale and Paxton need eight days of inaction’ could be the Hub’s ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain’ of the 21st century.
The Red Sox decided to play G-d and made Chaim Bloom their Moses: You can lead us through the desert, but you won’t be the one to take us to the Promised Land.
Bob Lobel’s legs look like they should be hanging in a Chinese meat shop.
Lauren Boebert is no Alanis Morissette.
The Bruins Centennial Jersey needed more stripes on the sleeves.
Zo doesn’t like the play calls on third down. He doesn’t have a better play in mind, he just thinks they should always pick up the first.
This pizza thing is going to be huge. give it time.
Artie T is the biggest needle mover in the world of banana boxes.
Tony Massarotti has more suspensions than Marchand in the past year, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been named captain.
Mike Lombardi is the Vince Lombardi of spam tweets.
We’re in New England. Stop saying y’all.
Curt Schilling is like Pete Rose, in that every time you feel like you’re ready to start defending him again, he goes back to his looney room and comes out with another treasure.
The people who mocked Belichick as being a “genius” for 20 years are also the same people who think he should be able to completely rebuild the team in four. In other words, fucking idiots.
Fall Out Boy covering Billy Joel is why they hate us.
Artificial Intelligence program’s inability to correctly render human hands must give Larry Johnson some small comfort.
All weed is gay now.
Everyone knows your crazy conspiracy theory being true is an absolute defense to witness intimidation.
Four-cylinder Honda’s are going to get very pricey again.
Boston Sports Journal is like a graveyard for once-overpaid scribes who don’t know they’re dead yet.
Abby has multiple jobs. Dickerson has no job.
Jon Smoltz called Game Seven a “must win” for the Astros. Okay.
That stupid Mike McDaniel watch story couldn’t be more tailored to impress the credulous NFL media had it been created in a lab.
Yarmouth Massachusetts is a noted hot spot for comedy in October.
The Sara Civian fan club is strong and we stan.
Being a fired NFL head coach is the best job in the world. Josh McDaniels? He lasted longer in Vegas than than Greg Bedard and he’s still getting paid.
We play hard around here.
During the 1980’s Bert Breer had a General Motors Starter jacket.
Add ‘plastered’ to the football lingo.
You know you’ve crushed branding your podcast network when you need to include a parenthetical on how to pronounce it.
Fox has Stink and Pink on the same NFL broadcast crew.
Megan Rapinoe is committed to Achilles tendon injury equity.
Will Smith’s career has been going great since he faked that Chris Rock slap.
Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.
WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.
Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.
Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.
I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.
It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.
We live for the fray.
“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.
Sports Illustrated probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.
Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.
Something that never existed cannot recur.
Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.
The Steve McNair murder ottoman claimed another one.
If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.
Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.
If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.
Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.
We all fit the profile.
Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.
Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.
Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.
I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.
CeeDee Lamb is a Top 1000 NFL WR.
Wacky Mahomes and Kelce commercials just hit different when they suck.
Chris Sale was somebody’s favorite player.
Thanks to all our regular readers, our irregular readers, and the bots. See you in 2024.
‘Blunt force trauma to the chest can’t induce a heart attack’ was the new “fire can’t melt steel.”
That Cohasset fella should’ve Google searched “how not to kill and dismember anyone including my sweet wife.”
Wickersham was ready to crown McVay the greatest ever.
It’ll never not be funny that a group of nominal adults with journalism degrees came up with “Media Good Guy” as a name for an award.
Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth.
Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.
Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.
It’s expensive to have baseball players.
Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’
The Clover Cabal runs The Association.
If a “Rules Analyst’ is a key component of your sport’s broadcast team and people still don’t understand what the rules are, guess what? Your sport sucks.
A Northeastern/Harvard Beanpot Final can and did happen.
Adam Jones had an opportunity to reinvent himself as something more than cut-rate Felger impressionist and decided against doing so.
The Daisy Sour Cream song has no business going that hard.
The Panthers did what so many others had tried: They hired Jim Caldwell as a senior assistant.
All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.
If you don’t know then why ask?
The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continued to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.
Reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training.
Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.
There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.
If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.
NESN’s spring training camera had a dead pixel.
Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.
Charlie Baker wouldn’t let Merrimack play in the Tourney.
Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken.
NY Football Giants Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!
UConn was poised for a March Madness run.
Nicaragua had a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!
Purdue Men’s Basketball should try and get some of those notoriously permissive Big Ten refs to work the Tournament one of these years.
You’re not a real sports fan unless you enjoy Division 3 women’s basketball.
There’s a Harvard Extension Medical School now, apparently?
It’s definitely organic that every person who has ever commented on Kara Lawson uses the exact same superlative to describe her basketball mind.
Boston as a sneaker mecca is a tough sell for folks who don’t know. It was wild to live in a place where Adidas, Nike & Reebok were all at war with each other at one point in time, but you’d enter Jamaica Plain via the Orange Line and suddenly everyone’s rocking Fila there?
Chris Curtis doubtless spent his week’s suspension in quiet contemplation of his many mistakes.
What a delightful trollop that Paige Spirinac is.
Always make sure you know who the stepparents are, Harvard Women’s Hockey Coach Lady.
Alex Verdugo was the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.
Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.
Asante Samuel loves getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months.
There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.
Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.
Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.
Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.
Quinnipiac winning the Frozen Four makes that part of Connecticut New England again.
Pete Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.
It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.
I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.
NYC’s population of single ladies was queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers.
Sox in 2 had to pad things out for that one game!
Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.
Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.
The nice thing about the Bruins series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.
Baseball is occasionally boring.
Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.
Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.
Lukey Russert wrote a book. Supply your own punchline.
Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.
Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.
Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.
The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.
Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.
It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book.
A great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.
All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.
You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.
Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.
Guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for law, medicine, or engineering into sports writing.
The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculated their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy because we can’t have nice things.
Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.
Every single time you saw Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.
NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now its guys named Ryan and Ross.
When you want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.
Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”
Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.
Bob Huggins needed to get home.
UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.
The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.
Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.
Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.
There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.
Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.
The 15 