baseball | The 15

Tag Archives: baseball

10/9/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 9, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Swayman had got his contract signed. Our short, regional nightmare is now over.

Thank God the Patriots made the Maye announcement on Tuesday. It would have been a shame if the Texans didn’t have a full week to prepare.

Be careful out there, Floridian friends.

Peppers has made $34MM in his career and rents an apartment in Braintree? He should be cut for that reason alone.

“Hey, can I ruin your photo?” – ‘Fitzy’

Luis Clemente Tiant Vega; taken from us too soon. Cigars and a crazy wind-up. He was called, ‘El Tiante’, which means, ‘The Tiante.’ Rest in peace, amigo.

Do the Mohegans have a legend about a wily Lynx defeating the Sun? Maybe they should.

It’s not Giancarlo’s fault! Bob Costas is basically what everyone always said Joe Buck is.

So the Manning’s spent time wondering if Matt Patricia had a special pencil that worked on a laminated play sheet? Another chess move by Bill.

Cakes are cooking for Nona Hendryx, Jackson Browne, Brian Downing, Richard Chaves, Sharon Osbourne, Tony Shalhoub, James Fearnley, John O’Hurley, Scott Bakula, Don Garber, Ini Kamoze, Michael Paré, Mike Singletary, Trevor Matich, Guillermo del Toro, Dwayne Sabb, Polly Jean Harvey, Annika Sorenstam, Kenny Anderson, Brandon Pollard, Dexter McCleon, Steve Burns, Sean Lennon, Nick Swardson, Brian Roberts, Henrik Zetterberg, Marie Kondo, Jacob Batalon, and Ben Shelton.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Wood Island.

I just got beeped at in drive thru line at Doughboy. It’s rather concerning if the general public no longer understands the concept of a drive thru line.

It’s almost like choosing as Belichick’s heir apparent a man whose post-playing career talent ceiling is ‘casino greeter at Plainridge’ was a bad idea.

Veal Parm is the greatest of Parms for Subs.

Hey gang of incurable romantics, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Everyone knows that the portion of the brain used for critical thinking is markedly less developed in women, honey.”

I’m fine with it not being tonight and surprised Goldberg wasn’t getting that Saudi check versus Gunther, but you gotta pull the trigger on Sami, Great matches with Gunther, Cody, Roman all as challenger. The Sami Hogan shit is corny. Put the belt on him in the next 12 months

It’s 2024, don’t get offended if I tell you i won’t eat your dish made with Rao’s or Ragu jarred sauce. it’s not that serious. I don’t like it, you cannot change my mind. I am sure you are a wonderful cook. it’s not personal

First they came for William Bendetson, and I said nothing…

Someone should ask Mayo if he knows he can make these decisions without consulting the press.

I have a peck of apples to eat from last weekend!

What do you call “imposter syndrome” when it’s not a syndrome?

Tasing is lame. Just shoot him.

Vegans and people from Texas; They’re going to shoehorn that fact into every conversation in any way that they can.

Look, he’s crawling up my wall.
Black and hairy, very small.
Now he’s up above my head.
Hanging by a little thread.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Now he’s dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door.
Maybe he’s as scared as me.
Where’s he gone now, I can’t see.

Boris the spider.
Boris the spider.

Just when I thought D daddy bald daddy NBA champion daddy White couldn’t be any cooler. I need this hoodie of him tucking in Tatum’s best friend the Larry O’Brien Trophy into bed immediately

The world does need Rat Shovelers.

The Kraft’s have their team back. It’s an awful, irrelevant team, but hey, it’s theirs!

Honk if you remember Dean Smith.

When the Red Wings fans throw an octopus onto the ice, the team either needs to have a player leave the ice or they get called for a too many men penalty.

Joe Kelly is the modern Moe Drabowsky.

Yaaaaa Sully … Mayo’s got a plan, kid, yaaaaaaaaa!

A: Nothing, she’s already been told twice.

Few things are more annoying than when the referees constantly delay the game by making unnecessary “Delay of Game” calls. Hold up the game 20 seconds because the snap was a half-second late.

Drake Maye’s lifelong dream is about to come true and Greg Dickerson thinks he should be depressed.

Best bet for the weekend: someone earns their True Yankee pinstripes.

*Where did Mayo get these captain’s patches, Needful Things?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Creepy, crawly, creepy creepy crawly crawly.

*Happy Birthday to The L Word actress Erin Daniels.*

10/2/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 1, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Too many, too soon, no more Super Sky Points please!*

It’s okay, Pete Rose only bet on himself to make 84.

Like two minutes into his first game and I’m already sick of all the Bruins skirts calling Zadorov, “Zaddy.”

WHO WANTS TO FAWCETT MUTOMBO!?

Jerod Mayo doesn’t have a plan, “Eliot and I” have a plan. That rat fuck mentions “Elliot” more than E.T.

For what it’s worth, I hoped that the Red Sox won Game 162 if only so Joe Castiglione can call a win in his final game. Call me sentimental, but that matters more to me than a draft pick.

Those 30 million Pete Rose-signed baseballs just went up $.03 in value.

Have to wonder if Chris Sale’s psychosomatic back spasms are a result of guilt surfacing from his subconscious about how much money he’s stolen.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Barnett, Don McLean, Skip Konte, Avery Brooks, Donna Karan, Annie Liebovitz, Michael Rutherford, Bill Elliott, Sting, Lorraine Bracco, Philip Oakey, Gordie Roberts, Glenn Anderson, Mark Rypien, Sheila Echols, Floyd “Bud” Gaugh, Eddie Guardado, Kelly Ripa, Tiffany, Aaron McKie, Lene Nystrøm, Paul Teutul Jr, Tyson Chandler, Phil Kessel, Ricky Stenhouse Jr, and Brittany Howard.

This postseason, MLB should replace John Smoltz with Tom Hardy doing the Bane voice for one inning and *not* explain it at all, just having him call the game straight up.

I still have no fucking clue what Dirty Water TV actually is. But I love that they only hire shameless whores.

AHL jobbers taking runs at real NHL players in fake games. Smdh.

Notice that a hurricane never *moves* toward land, or *races* toward land; they always *barrel.* Not sure how that became the go-to word.

Green Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace service today between North Station and Medford/Tufts & Union Sq. Union Sq. riders can use bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line.

With all the love shown to Joe Castiglione this year, you’d think WEEI’s ratings would be better than they are.

Joey Slye could be your kicker for the next 10 years…

Hey gang of useless Hufflepuffs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Wands up tonight my fellow Potterheads.”

RC-celeb, people glom on to anything for a shred of notoriety. Radio call-in guest has to be lower than starring in an anal warts cream commercial.

Hard to believe Wakey has been gone a year now.

Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections near Haymarket.

Does anyone know how old Alabama WR Ryan Williams is?

Shohei this year might be a Level-1 MVP season, whereas Dick Groat in 1960 or Jim Konstanty in 1950 are like. ..well, they had to give the award to somebody, I guess. Level 10 MVPs.

Everyone hated ESPN’s Christian Yelich in-game interview.

Every time I see bicyclists while driving now, I think of Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau. They should still be here.

Wait, actors have imposter syndrome? Isn’t that their job?

NESN ‘borrowed’ the MSG feed to honor Sam Rosen who has been calling games since 1984 and is retiring at the end of the season you clueless slob. At least that what I heard!

In a couple of days we should learn how much his injury settlement lowered Armon Watts’ cap number of $2,169,765.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia has big shoes to fill in taking over for Jeff Trundy as manager of the Falmouth Commodores in the Cape Cod Baseball League next summer.

No, you give me $5!

Dame Maggie Smith, RIP. Always thought she was the Penguin in The Blues Brothers but that was Kathleen Freeman.

Dirty Water TV is like the early ‘90’s Simpsons writers’ room for braindead whores.

Jerod Mayo says it is “definitely under consideration” that RB Antonio Gibson starts over Rhamondre Stevenson on Sunday after Stevenson has fumbled in each of the first four games.

Seventy-three men sailed up
From the San Francisco Bay.
Rolled off of their ship, and here’s what they had to say;
“We’re callin’ everyone to ride along to another shore.
We can laugh our lives away and be free once more.”

But no one heard them callin’
No one came at all.
‘Cause they were too busy watchin’ those old raindrops fall.
As a storm was blowin’ out on the peaceful sea,
Seventy-three men sailing off to history

Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship.
Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip.
Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship.
On your way to a world that others might have missed.

I was blessed to see Addams Family Values on tv. Raul Julia was a master actor. I miss him so much.

Castiglione has been a leading Clemens propagandist for decades.

I can’t believe they went to a mini pride rally and a WNBA Playoff game broke out!

Every white dude ends up looking like a lesbian eventually.

ESPN keeping Kendrick Perkins over Zach Lowe might be worse than when the Sixers kept Tobias Harris over Jimmy Butler.

Honk if you remember Steve Sabol.

Can October be scripted? It’s tempting to say yes, but I say no.

Had a dream last night that DeVonta Smith was on the New England Patriots. No idea what year it was.

Jerry Tarkanian must be spinning in his grave seeing UNLV failing to pay players.

“At least Rashee Rice went out doing what he loved. Ending a drive with a horrible collision and immediately leaving the scene.” -Brandon Carney

Does Boston College play John Ashcroft’s ‘Let the Eagle Soar’ after football games? Well they should.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reminds me of baseball. There were the awful kids who were there for the wrong reasons, and there was Charlie, who just loved candy. Maybe it’s childish, but baseball needs owners who are Charlie’s, not Veruca Salt’s & Mike TeaVee’s.

Is ‘Center’ an important position in football? Because it sounds important.

Red sox may or may not increase payroll, may or may not increase ticket prices, may or may not miss the playoffs again next season. Super. Good press conference.

A happy Rosh Hashanah to all my friends who celebrate.

Spike Lee pretend to be a Liberty fan now?

Best bet for the weekend: Pats going to get their teeth kicked in by a man named ‘Snoop’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Come And Get Your Love.

October Fundraising Drive – If you have been a loyal reader of the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, thank you. Or maybe you are taking Football Cat’s betting advice? Or perhaps you enjoyed the 2024 Local Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the articles investigating our local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, if so, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free and comes due mid-month. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks for reading.

Make a one-time donation to The15net.com

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

$5.00

$10.00

$20.00

$5.00

$15.00

$100.00

$5.00

$15.00

$100.00

Or enter a custom amount

Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

Your contribution is appreciated.

Donate Donate monthly Donate yearly

9/25/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 23, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Any time you can needlessly accelerate your coaching succession plan by two years you have to do it.

The best NFL broadcasts come from the website where I buy $3 knockoff USB chargers that may or may not catch fire.

Anyone who used “Woj Bomb” unironically is an asshole.

I’ve thought about starting my day watching the Vince McMahon documentary. But not sure I have it in me this early.

It’s not a rivalry if the same side keeps winning!.

Is it me or is there a ton of injuries already this NFL season?

Major Red Sox uniform news: The Red Sox will unveil a City Connect 2.0 uniform in 2025 and will no longer wear their blue alternate jerseys. Given the popularity of the yellow uniforms, they have elected to keep it as a core uniform offering for the foreseeable future.

Cakes are cooking for Michael Douglas, Gil Morgan, Cheryl Tiegs, Anson Williams, Pedro Almodovar, Burleigh Drummond, Mark Hamill, Bob McAdoo, Jimmy Garvin, Jamie Hyneman, Michael Madsen, Scottie Pippen, Will Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, David Weathers, Dean Ween, Doug Pelfrey, John Lynch, Bridgette Wilson, Matt Hasselbeck, Chauncey Billups, Rocco Baldelli, Jason Bergmann, Van Hansis, and Cade Cunningham.

What does it say about Emerald Square that a herd of bulls at a carnival there couldn’t get out of the place fast enough?

‘Mirror in the Slideshow ‘ sounds like a Taylor Swift album title.

Tatum gets shit on for everything he does but tattooing a picture of yourself onto your back is wild.

One cheer for the 2024 Red Sox for refusing to quit now despite having previously quit a whole bunch of times.

On Saturday, September 28 only, Red Line Braintree Branch diversion will be expanded to include Ashmont Branch. This allows crews to take advantage of construction equipment in the area to remove a speed restriction on Ashmont Branch.

Should I invest in one entity that historically has never lost money or should I invest in the other entity that has rehab programs akin to alcoholism and drug abuse?

Looks like Mercury Morris’s perfect record of being alive is finally over.

Local 26 Hotel Workers putting on a good display outside the Omni Hotel the last couple days. They’ve had people holding the line overnight. Love a good picket line.

Oh no, Old Friend Trent Brown strained his left fat.

Minority position, I know, but Tanner Houck needs a pitch count like a turtle needs a microphone. In the last two years he has been taken out of countless games when he was pitching great. What he needs is a manager who will tell him “Keep pitching; you’re doing great.”

I’m sorry, Jey Uso is popular, but he isn’t Jeff Hardy popular.

“Wheel of Fortune” puzzles went from ‘Alice In Wonderland’ to ‘Say homes, how’s it hangin’, bruh?’.

You’re right, Bill Belichick sucks. Let the fat fucking deli loser handle things.

Bulletin, Bulletin, Bulletin!!! The semi-functional Shohei Ohtani is piling on. He now is 6/6 with 3 HR, 2 SB and 10 RBI.
We’re not worthy.

Hey gang of the marginally employed, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Settle down, you fat retard, and go get Adam Jones his Ensure.”

I’m following Depeche Mode on Twittah. Not sure when that happened.

Darnold appears to have escaped an initial injury scare. Massive collective sigh of relief from the 612.

Reiss is only 5’2″–are we sure he can carry that much water?

Fun fact: Today has exactly 12 hours of daylight.

Make a wish baby
Well and I will make it come true
Make a list baby
Of the things I’ll do for you
Ain’t no risk now
In lettin’ my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew…

O’Brien and Youk talking endlessly about hot dogs? Make it stop.

Jrue might also have a tattoo of himself on his back. But how would we know?

Honk if you remember Miss Jean.

Dickie V has so much radiation in him they should call him Chernobyl.

Those Emerald Square bulls were five years too late to ransack the Skycrepers kitchen.

THE BUTCHIE isn’t real and cannot hurt you.

Have we lost perspective on what torn cartilage in your rib cage must feel like?

With the loss of the Athletics, there will be even less there there in Oakland as there was previous.

News Item: Brad Marchand has shed his red noncontact jersey for Bruins practice.

The Padres are the first team in MLB history to turn a triple play to end a game on the day they clinched a postseason berth. Only in baseball, Danny.

Rescue: Hi Surf cancelled yet?

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox do not win eight in a row and get right back in it.

“So, uh, how bout those bulls in ah, North Attleboro? Didja see that? That chain link fence was more porous, no, er, it was less effective in stopping, erk, them than the Patriots O-Line! Ha. Speaking of steers, try the teriyaki beef skewers. My son is a Marine.“

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up The Pieces.

*And a happy Birthday to actress Heather Locklear.*

9/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*“You don’t leak to Van Natta about me; I leak to Van Natta about YOU!”*

But did it feeeel like a win? Not so sure.

Tyreek Hill’s ongoing audition for a future season of ‘American Sports Story’ is going great.

You know it’s a big game when you hear the smooth sound of Noah Eagle.

I envy how comfortable Steve Perrault always looks.

The Hall could probably be persuaded to put Robert in if he’d end his rhetoric.

I can’t believe Clay Travis hired the Super 70’s Sports guy. Ok, I can.

People say there aren’t enough black baseball players anymore. They’re all on the TBS pregame show.

I’d like the captains patches more if they were the colors of the team. Why the same colors for all NFL teams? Patriots should be blue, red, silver, white…no yellow.

Is the Boston PWHL team named Fleet because of the building contractors?

Cakes are cooking for Brian DePalma, Lola Falana, Mickey Hart, Amy Madigan, Tommy Shaw, Jeff Sluman, Don Slaught, Scott Patterson, Robert Wren, Elizabeth Daily, Virginia Madsen, Kristy McNichol, Ellis Burks, Victor Wooten, Graeme Obree, Moby, Harry Connick, Jr, Maria Bartiromo, Taraji P. Henson, Mack Strong, Richard Ashcroft, Shelton Quarles, Jon Buckland, Ludacris, Ed Reed, Jacoby Ellsbury, Elizabeth Henstridge, and Tyler Hoechlin.

Diana Ross – Upside Down >> all the songs that sampled it.

Just remember, if Mayo turns out to be a good coach it’s because Robert Kraft saw something in him. If he turns out to be a bad coach, look to the coaching tree.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I must hear something described as “the elephant in the room” twice a week. That’s 100 elephants in the room. How many elephants can you really fit in a room do you think?

Getting a microphone tattoo is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Might as well wear a shirt that says, “ask me about being in sports.”

Hey gang with a benevolence association, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “redirected to the ground.”

The only snakes I know of are those of Set and his cursed towers. Their evil has spread to every city. Two or three years ago it was just another snake cult, now…RIP James Earl Jones.

Agency news: KLUTCH Sports Group has acquired Ballengee Football, adding its agents including Rick Roberts, Martin Fischman and Don Weatherall and 20+ clients including Malik Nabers, Patrick Queen and Travis Etienne, to their emerging roster. This move follows the acquisitions of ROOF and Rep 1 Baseball earlier this year.

I’m home today playing Borderlands and I have to wonder…do the Vault Hunters have a Union?

Football isn’t my favorite sport but man, it really is the best-looking game on TV.

Weird fences make weird neighbors.

Why can’t Dave Grohl go the Shank route and pretend it never happened? Is it because people have a hard time believing two different women would go to bed with the CHB willingly?

In the timbers of Fennario,
The wolves are runnin’ ’round.
The winter was so hard and cold,
Froze ten feet ‘neath the ground.

Don’t murder me.
I beg of you, don’t murder me.
Please, don’t murder me.

I sat down to my supper.
‘Twas a bottle of red whisky.
I said my prayers and went to bed.
That’s the last they saw of me.

Since 1962 the Dodgers have won six NL MVP Awards. The New York Mets have won none. I’m kind of thinking maybe this should be the year?

Lucy Wrights, just winging it. ‘One Take Lucy’, they call her.

The frozen breakfast sandwich people must be in cahoots with the paper towel manufacturers.

The Red Sox are making a mockery of George Herman Fruith’s career!

The Echoes slept through their wake up call in South Bend.

Sarah Spain thinks Van Morrison was writing about b-holes in 1967?

I ain’t calling some other dude Swagu.

YouTube Belichick is great. But it raises the question, what did they do with the other half of Matt Patricia? Deep dive conversational format is actually what I think Brady would be better suited for than color analyst.

Honk if you remember Rod Rust’s hapless Patriots squad.

Man, both sides. Amirite?

YOU fell for the Al Horford retirement announcement hoax! You did! You did!

PSA: the new linkin park clips don’t sound weird because of her singing, they sound weird because all the songs are in new (higher) keys. For sure a factor that should have been considered, but I think she sounds pretty good and now a bunch of young fans get to see them

WooSox manager Chad Tracy said that Mickey Gasper tweaked his back packing up his things after being optioned from Boston back to Worcester.

Won’t someone please think about the Sports Hub producers who were heartlessly let go? No? Okay.

John Tomase. Writing about the Patriots. NBCS Boston doesn’t get nearly the hate they should.

Red Sox refuse to die. But also refuse to put together a winning streak.

Best bet for the weekend: Trust falls in Foxboro before the breakout session.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Miserable Fellow and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Kind of a drag.

*And happy birthday to local gal done good singer/songwriter Kay Hanley.*

9/4/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 4, 2024 by scartsy15 One comment

Our long national nightmare of Katie Nolan not being on TV is over.

The Seminoles got wicked Sturrowed! #lol

Jarren Duran being the only guy to not tap out is quite the 180 from two years ago.

Jerod sooo wanted to wear a C as a player.

Johnny Gaudreau seemed to be too nice a guy to have gone to BC. Very sad.

My fantasy football draft strategy? Just vibes.

Cakes are cooking for Ken Harrelson, Ray Floyd, Tom Watson, Martin Chambers, Blackie Lawless, Khandi Alexander, George Hurley, Damon Wayans, John Vanbiesbrouck, Tomas Sandström, Mike Piazza, Ione Skye, Wes Bentley, Pat Neshek, Beyoncé, Hildur Guðnadóttir, Kaillie Humphries, and Olha Kharlan.

Additionally, Brother John Irons is also entitled to a cake today.

Red Line Reminder: September 6-29 No Train service between JFK/UMass and Braintree due to track work. Commuter Rail alternatives are available. Shuttle buses will not service JFK/UMass.

What made you think Jaylen got hacked? Weird tweets?

Hard to believe a health nut like (checks notes) Fatman Scoop just collapsed like that. RIP.

I need to know who the IU and Purdue are of the ACC.

The most effective fly swatter I have ever tried is a rolled-up bath towel. The hitting surface is like ten times larger than fly swatter, and it tends to stun them without smashing them and creating little blood spots.

Do you guys remember how fun it used to be to ask questions?

Hey gang of accountability experts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “a frustrated Rafael Devers sat with a bat for about 40 minutes staring into his locker.”

Triston Casas exists within a vibe and the vibeless cannot stand him for it.

Who is your personal favorite San Diego Padres prospect who never really made it? Someone who never reached Majors or never got much opportunity to play. I’ll go with Dennis Tankersley. So close to Eck! Had to root for him. But he did nothing to earn more opportunity.

Every time Joe Furey is on TV it seems like the first time ever.

Maybe the racially ambiguous bull dykes shouldn’t goon up on the nice white lady? Just a thought.

Brian Kelly looks like a general contractor that’s always bringing you bad news.

Count me among the Tiafoe fans. Love the way he plays tennis.

Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I’ll be listening to the cicadas, and I’ll get lost in thought and remember that the Boston Celtics won the 2024 NBA Finals and have the most titles in NBA history.

Now look at the people
In the streets, in the bars
We are all of us in the gutter
Some of us are looking at the stars
Look ’round the room
Life is unkind
We fall but we keep gettin’ up
Over and over and over…

Me and you, every night, every day.
We’ll be together always this way.
Your eyes are blue like the heavens above.
Talk to me darlin’, with a message of love.

Denver Broncos and two-time Pro-Bowl CB Patrick Surtain ll reached agreement today on a four-year, $96 million extension that includes $77.5 million guaranteed, now making him the highest-paid defensive back in NFL history. Tory Dandy of CAA negotiated the deal.

Katie Nolan won’t stop until she’s fired from every sports outlet in North America.

Franklin Park Zoo lights: Super cool.

The current condition of Ponkapoag must have Donald Ross rolling around in his grave.

Taylor Mathis doesn’t realize she could walk around reading the ingredients for raisins and her followers would not give a hoot. Not one hoot.

Honk if you remember Tom Tupa scoring the first 2-point conversion in NFL history.

Oh yeah, Chris Gasper. There’s your answer.

News Item: Former Patriots wide receiver Danny Amendola joining ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

When selling a home, I tell all my clients, “Hide your Fluff.”

Except for hockey, the C on the jersey always triggers me. It was so lame when Varitek wore it, and the NFL gays it up another level with the stars, always loved that Bill wouldn’t allow it. It’s just another reminder how the Kraft’s are hellbent on distancing themselves from the greatest coach of all time. Complete loser asshole behavior.

Chris Sale was doing his best impression of Eric Idle in European Vacation last year and now he’s pitching like a gentile Koufax.

Best bet for the weekend: Tennessee Volunteer Charles Davis handling Tennessee Volunteer Jerod Mayo with kid gloves during Sunday’s broadcast.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Lebron and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Message of love.

*Bianca is looking forward to the fall weather.*

8/28/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 28, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Unconventional, but effective.* *I guess.*

I hope everyone on the newly minted Patriots 53-man roster creates some SMART goals so we can track their progress during the season.

Hit that shtick-pilfering hussy with your wallet, Lucy!

Is it me, or was there less local media celebrating going on after Cutdown Day arrived so soon after WEEI axed Fauria and Gresh?

I don’t think the Red Sox are gonna make the playoffs.

Well, at least we can continue to read all of Meghan Ottolini’s columns!

I think Dave O’Brien just said ‘excape.’

Who confuses Hanson and Chumbawumba?

Welcome back, teachers.

Cakes are cooking for Lou Piniella, Ron Guidry, Daniel Stern, Rick Rossovich, Scott Hamilton, Emma Samms, Jennifer Coolidge, Rick Fehr, Lee Janzen, Satoshi Tajiri, Tom Fitzgerald, Jack Black, Pierre Turgeon, Janet Evans, Todd Eldredge, Jay Witasick, LeAnn Rimes, Armie Hammer, Florence Welch, and Ons Jabeur.

So, the Sox clam broadcast the other night? Perfect timing as the team was gushing blood everywhere.

Orange Line Reminder: Between 10 AM and 2 PM all Orange Line service between Forest Hills and Jackson Square will operate on the Oak Grove (Northbound) track. Riders should expect delays between 9 AM and 4 PM as personnel conduct this single track operation.

Hey gang of dubious eventual sexagenarians! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s not that complicated to figure out.”

Joe Milton III could have played on those 2014-2015 Royals teams where everyone threw 101.

“Suck on” violations aren’t a thing.

Most, if not all, aspiring rappers never achieve the complete life turnaround. Kudos to Chyna Whyte, or whoever.

Any of them starting left tackles get waived yet? Not yet? How about now?

Gresh has a very interesting quirk in his contract. Instead of the standard non-compete, they gave him a ‘please sign with the competitor’ clause.

Wanamatonomy was the hardest class I took in college, much more difficult than Neuroanatomy.

Bots write SI articles. You’re thanking a computer, Donny O!

Liking werewolf tweets isn’t a funny troll anymore. It’s providing Aid and Comfort to the Enemy.

Incredible but true! Ted Williams never once in his entire career had a timer violation called against him.

Best job in the industry is the guy who does all the imaging for the new shows that WEEI throws out there. Guaranteed jackpot of work every few months.

Introduce me to that big blonde.
She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld.
She’s wearing Ambush and a French twist;
She’s got us wild and she can tell.
She loves to limbo, that much is clear;
She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.

Wait Cheryl Hines is married to RFK Jr.? How did I miss this?

Roster cutdown reminder number 7 – Players on the team 4PM September 3rd get paid for Week 1. Making the initial roster on August 27th does not mean the player will get paid for Week 1.

Lou Damn Merloni fucking tries to retcon himself onto the ‘04 team.

Sid Vicious the wrestler won’t be down. Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols? Also still dead. Wrestling Sid staying in character during the Shockmaster’s debut may be one of wrestling’s greatest achievements. RIP.

Angel Reese and Shaquille O’Neal. Like equals!

They discontinued my TGel? Just because of some alleged dioxins?

So the one thing I do miss about pre-parenthood life is going to dinner by myself Finding a well-researched Wikipedia article and just diving in while waiting for and consuming my food. Great times in the back booth reading about Stalingrad, or Dan Sickles.

Jarren Duran now has 42 doubles, 13 triples, 20 HR and 32 stolen bases. No other player in the history of baseball has done all of those things in one season.

Taxachusetts! Belichick: He’s just like one of us!

Next month marks one year since WWE signed Jade Cargill.

Honk if you remember Cla Meredith.

In the falls of justice, the only justice is in the falls. Sandy, can we get that on a magnet?

WEEI is paying Andy Hart in Lucky Charms.

Shouldn’t losing a baseball announcer be an error rather than a fumble?

Sign The Swayman!

World Health Organization reporting Zappe Fever has been eradicated.

Best bet for the weekend: the heaviest travel weekend yet.

*What’s wrong with Ordillo thanking the SI writer Bots?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friends jforb and Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Dog days are over.

*And happy birthday to Canadian singer Shania Twain.*

8/21/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 21, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Did Mayor Wu ever get that meeting with Jarren Duran?

Crazy that Andy Hart’s kid is pulling in his dad’s biweekly salary in a single weekend.

Happy Hour’s overdue return to the Commonweath shot down yet again? Another W for the Puritans.

A certain percentage of fans are going to treat WAR as a reliable estimate of a player’s value, no matter how obvious it is that it is wrong.

Adam 12, Deathcat Holley. Deathcat Holley, Adam 12.

The International Olympic Committee wants Jordan’s Chiles bronze medal back? Molṑn labé.

Veronica Burton…TD Garden, ten minutes court time, two rebounds, one assist. Zero points on 0 for 4 shooting…your thoughts?

I’m going to give Bedard the benefit of the doubt. It’s clear he meant to say, “Nip Cage is a goof.”

Cakes are cooking for Archie Griffin, Kim Cattrall, Kim Sledge, Jim McMahon, Carrie-Anne Moss, Josee Chouinard, Craig Counsell, Alicia Witt, Jason Marquis, Kelis Rogers-Jones, BJ Upton, Eve Torres, Laura Haddock, Usain Bolt, Kacey Musgraves, Hayden Panettiere, and Bo Burnham.

Love the idea that talking gambling while bouncing your your titties is some sort of intellectual property that needs protecting.

Hey gang of deck chair rearrangers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I don’t need to know anything about the radio losers’ lifestyles.”

I’m sure Bloomberg’s AM signal is already one of the 14 stations beating Jones and MegO, but will they really have more listeners than good old American rock n roll?

‘Keep off the moors and stick to the roads’ was the best advice I ever got in life.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Angel Reese has officially signed a sponsorship deal with Reese’s. Her first “Reese’s Pieces” apparel collection launches today.

Mayo’s “I have impostor syndrome” article from 2021 is a “boy did I outkick my coverage, hahaha!” humblebrag.

A “blend of lifestyle entertainment?” That should give Joansie the ratings he got at The Sports Hub with F&M as his lead-in.

I don’t care how many times you email me about it, I do not want two free weeks of Uber One.

If I’m Michelle Wu, I’m demanding a sit-down with Eliot Wolf right now.

Just saw a Dairy Queen commercial where they’re eating the Blizzards at home. Unless you live right next to the DQ this is a bad idea they melt fast in transit.

A fan with very poor sense of humor yelled “You need a tennis racket” with Duran at the plate Friday. Comedic value? 0 out of 10.

Fun Fact: Everett is not in Boston.

Spencer Torkelson would be a great name for a Professor of Paleontology. That is all.

Lifestyle and entertainment? What’s Keefe gonna do, talk about his Funko Pop collection?

Naming a cat Dr. Doom is great. But it’s especially great when the vet tech announces “Dr. Doom?” in a waiting room.

I only do my banking at Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg Bank.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
No, not just for some, but for everyone.

Lord, we don’t need another meadow.
There are cornfields and wheat fields
Enough to grow.
There are sunbeams and moonbeams
Enough to shine.
Oh listen Lord, if you want to know.

Frogger is an interesting game because at the highest level of play it’s possible to reach a board that’s not solvable, ending your game. It’s not a true kill screen, however, because with proper strategy that scenario can be avoided.

Two deep throws so far, two completions from Jordan Love to Romeo Doubs. The connection is real and has the potential to be spectacular.

Pochettino? Sounds delicious! Is it something a gaucho chuckwagon makes?

Honk if you remember Rick & Paul Reuschel becoming the first brothers to pitch a combined shut out.

The Pope doesn’t even have a rain gauge in the Vatican FFS.

I know more than a few people who would consider a standard big watermelon to be ‘personal sized.’

Golf swings and fantasy zings: Steve is a pop culture poster!

Oh sure, MegO, she’s obviously the problem. The least-smarmy of the three hosts.

The right Jennifer is out there for you Ben Affleck! Probably.

Maybe making someone other than a sullen, unpatriotic, cigar store Indian-looking player the face of the WNBA was a good thing.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox hang tough.

*Shu’s angry TikTok thumbnails all look like the last thing Tony Mazz sees before someone steals his car.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gresh? Fauria?

*And happy birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Muchová.*

7/31/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 31, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Sox tapping out every year immediately after the All-Star game is so weird.

Matthew Judon sat on a trash can watching pass-rushers practice? Doesn’t he know they put a PlayStation in the locker room??

“It’s not based on The Last Supper, but rather on an obscure Dutch painting from the 17th century!” has real, “We didn’t name our candy bar after the most famous baseball player in America in 1920, but after the dead daughter of a former President!” energy.

There’s a macabre subset of Celtics Twitter that loves talking about how long Len Bias and Reggie Lewis have been dead.

El Prez can’t claim the child tax credit for his girlfriend?

The US men’s basketball team and the US women’s beach volleyball team are both wearing long spandex pants. Disapprove!

Cakes are cooking for Gerry Philbin, Sab Shimono, Bill Weld, Barry Van Dyke, Evonne Goolagong Cawley, Alan Autry, Michael Biehn, Bill Berry, Mark Cuban, Dale Hunter, Sandra Hodge, Wesley Snipes, Fatboy Slim, J.K. Rowling, Andre Ware, Chris Weinke, Jonathan Ogden, Tim Couch, Zac Brown, B.J. Novak, DeMarcus Ware, Evgeni Malkin, and Kyle Larson.

Here’s the thing: There’s only so many plays one can run on offense in team handball.

@Dart_Adams Donna Summer: from Dorchester or Mission Hill? Always thought Dot but heard/read MH somewhere.

Hey gang of Volvik users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you fucking Caleb Williams?”

Why does Steve Kerr hate Tyrese Halliburton?

Green Line Update: Regular service has resumed between Heath Street and Brigham Circle.

What a stupid ritual wakes are. Gonna kneel in front of this rotting corpse filled with formaldehyde and pray to an old guy in the sky. Totally normal! Free Jacks won their playoff game.

Overheard at #The15 water cooler: “Dude, this gash football game is kinda tense!”

Great to see Dorchester gal Ayo Edebiri kicking ass onscreen with Robert Townsend in S3 of “The Bear”, 37 years after his iconic movie Hollywood Shuffle.

Oh good; water polo has VAR too.

The Call Her Daddy whore should ask Simone if the trainer made her squirt.

Next Olympics: Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Oh wow, Don Orsillo called a Padres no-hitter? I’m sure he’ll never tell us about it.

Anyone know the medal count?

We got on the ol’ Ouija Board to try and contact the restless spirit of Red Sox Poet Laureate Dick Flavin to see if he’d honor us with a timely poem. Here’s what we got:

“Detox Day is a movable feast,

When you need it the most or need it the least.

When your mouth is so dry you can’t even spit,

Or when your overtaxed liver is ready to quit.

Those will be days are the, the days..”

It goes on and on like that.

Duquette’s dumbest idea, that Karen Read is innocent or Wilfredo Cordero?

That can only mean Theo Epstein will be the one to come in and actually free Karen.

And the train conductor says,
Take a break, Driver 8.
Driver 8, take a break,
We can reach our destination.
But we’re still a ways away, but it’s still a ways away.
But we’re still a ways away, but it’s still a ways away.

A way to shield the hated heat.
A way to put myself to sleep.
A way to shield the hated heat.
A way to put myself, my children to sleep.

Savannah Guthrie always has a look on her face like she just asked, ‘You want to put what where?’

The US women’s gymnastics team is like a Benetton ad.

Tatum getting stapled to the bench was the worst act of terrorism ever involving a member of the Kerr family.

Yes, Ma: I heard about the deli meat recall.

TITTPT.

The Patriots reward another one of their own: The team and Davon Godchaux have agreed to a two-year extension worth up to $21M with $16.5M guaranteed. The deal was done by Drew Rosenhaus, Jason Rosenhaus and Ryan Matha.

Wait, there’s men’s field hockey?

RB Aaron Jones should have plenty of opportunities earlier for Minnesota.

Honk if you remember Jimmer Fredette.

Has there ever been a team like the 2024 Yankees before? I’ve never seen one. It’s like Maris and Mantle were traded to the 1962 Mets.

Hey guys, that’s Lenny DiNardo! *blank stares*

Try harder to make us like you Coach Mayo. It’s going to happen. Soon.

That Aussie RugbyRoo Sevens gal almost ran down Spiff Cedrick like Ben Watson did Champ Bailey.

My grade on the Revs trade? Um, incomplete?

Imagine having a problem with Simone Biles. (Gerry Callahan not eligible)

Tough loss, Renegades.

Best bet for the weekend: Judon gets neither a bag or his flowers.

*Le Festin des Dieux – Jan van Bijlert OK, I can kinda see it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Citius, Altius, Fortius – Communiter.

*And happy birthday to American model Chandra North.*

7/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 24, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Has Coach Mayo used “Optum” as an adjective yet?

Kenley Jansen has an irregular heartbeat? What a coincidence; so do I, when I see him come in from the bullpen! Bwahahahaha!

Sam Hauser, getting paid like he owns a suburban daycare center.

Coors Field features two of my favorite Stupid Cool Things in baseball: The forest in center field, and the row of purple seats to denote one mile above sea level.

Imagine going to Duluth and your first thought is to ask Big Gym about it.

Can’t help but be distracted by a TBS game broadcast using a TNT Sports graphics package.

Aaron Rodgers, reporting for duty on reporting day.

Cakes are cooking for Ruth Buzzi, Bob Lily, Dan Hedaya, Robert Hays, Michael Richards, Lynda Carter, Gus Van Sant, Steve Grogan, Robbie Grey, Paul Geary, Julie Krone, Karl Malone, Barry Bonds*, Nick Nurse, Kristin Chenoweth, Jennifer Lopez, Rick Fox, Patty Jenkins, Danny Dyer, José Valverde, Rose Byrne, Valerio Scassellati, Summer Glau, Anna Paquin, Elisabeth Moss, Patrice Bergeron, and Kyle Kuzma.

Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections. Then again, they may not.

Am I un-American if I was rooting for South Sudan?

Been saying Bolt is the most dominant athlete for a long time now…..put some respect on Usain Bolt name.

I don’t think anybody under 40 can throw a frisbee.

Kirk Herbstreit announces new show featuring his dog Ben? The seize and decyst from Mina Kimes and Lenny is on the way! Woof.

Hammer dulcimer!

The multipart BET “Rap City” docuseries was a slap in the face to its longtime viewers. It covered almost NOTHING about why “Rap City” was groundbreaking, essential, or necessary from its inception on August 11th, 1989. I’ll write about it because I remember damb near everything!

I ain’t calling some other grown man ‘McLovin.’

Don’t you just love the pomp and pageantry of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Craig? I really do.

OK, trust falls, then the breakout sesh!

Gees, the COVID bubble champs regardless of the sport are sensi and salty.

Poor people always find time to fuck.

Hearing whispers Jonathan Jones had a nice first day of camp. He finished with two pass breakups.

Your New England Free Jacks need a win Saturday to reach the MLR Finals!

The 1901 Detroit Tigers had only one regular or near-regular player who went by and is listed today by his actual first name or a common derivative of that. No less than 3 of their regulars went by the monicker “Kid”. The others were called “Sport”, “Ducky”, “Doc”, “Pop” and “Fritz.”

Moving forward, using all my breath.
Making love to you was never second best.
I saw the world crashing all around your face.
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace.

I’ll stop the world and melt with you.
You’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time.
There’s nothing you and I won’t do.
I’ll stop the world and melt with you.

Summer in Boston meant the TV lineup changed. Suddenly, channel 25 added “The Monkees” to the lineup & channel 66 added “Gidget” starring a young Sally Field. Next came the “Creature Double Feature”, “Kung Fu Theater” & Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello film marathons all Summer.

I made over 100 grand working construction every year Biden was President.

Am I supposed to root against the US Olympic Team because MLS doesn’t have promotion and relegation?

Not even a mention of Klobuchar as a potential VP pick. But that aint a problem for us Klob Slobs, we’re patient folk.

Jerod Mayo is going to re-injure something with all the false hustle he’s putting out.

Honk if you remember the Pine Tar Game.

Was just thinking the other day it’s been forever since I saw a frog in my yard and then yesterday, boom! A tree frog out on the porch. Nature, uh, finds a way.

Commander Biden tried to warn us about the Secret Service.

Going to miss seeing that tall girl play the Olympic 3 on 3 basketball.

Jackie Connors. Now an Eternal Eagle. RIP.

The Sports Junk Drawer turned into MSNBC so gradually no one even noticed. #LeanForward

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox determine whether they will be buyers or sellers at the MLB trade deadline.

*Zesty drip! Mothers, lock up your daughters!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the night.

*BdlG in Gucci, which is not an official sponsor of the 2024 Paris Olympic Games*.

7/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Kysre?

Are you now a member of the Patriots coaching staff? Are you sure? Check your emails.

The MLB ASG was very Red Sox intensive. As it should be.

Doubtless everyone in Jamaica Plain was rooting for the Fila-sponsored Barbora Krejcikova, to win Wimbledon, right?

If you can’t use a hammer correctly, sailing might not be your thing either.

MLB Draft: 9 of the first 21 players selected in the first round are Black players. #Diversity

Spaniards must be partying like it’s 1799 with the Euro Cup win and Alcaraz as the Wimbledon Men’s champ.

Ingrid Andress is going to rehab? This is going to ruin the tour.

Bedtime at 8:30 is delightful, sorree!

Cakes are cooking for Dick Button, Tenley Albright, Paul Verhoeven, Dion DiMucci, Joe Torre, Craig Fuller, Richard Branson, Nick Faldo, Elizabeth McGovern, Wendy Williams, Dan O’Brien, Vin Deisel, Anfernee Hardaway, Bruce Walker, Torii Hunter, Elsa Pataky, Ben Sheets, Dion Branch, Kristin Bell, Priyanka Chopra, and Canelo Alvarez.

Fun Fact: ‘Kysre’ is pronounced. ‘kaiser!’

Watching some Nets/Cavs from 1993 and Paolo Banchero reminds me so much of Derrick Coleman.

My grass is so brown Gerry Callahan is throwing rocks at it.

Tough loss at Wimbledon, but at least Jasmine Paolini now gets to go back to The Shire and marry Sam Gamgee.

Three monocle emojis can sometimes mean, ‘I’m happy for my Celtics teammate’, right?

Green Line B and C branch trains are currently terminating at Park Street due to a track problem at Government Center. For service to Boston College or Cleveland Circle from Government Center, board any train and switch at Park Street.

Greg Dickerson: “Is it bad that I’m insanely jealous of the hawk tuah girl? I just want fame and fortune for living life with no talent.” Sad!

Does Dave O’Brien even like his job? Guy should be conducting estate sales.

Red Sox drafted David Ortiz’s son, D’Angelo, in the 19th round. The Yankees will literally never know peace.

My “for you” tab is all fight vids and videos of animals you wouldn’t think would be friends, but are.

Jeff Howe thinks Dickie V. should stop showboating.

Hey gang of insecure phenoms! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m not afraid of you or your resources.”

BattleBots!

Uh, Dakota Fannings breakout role was in I Am Sam, 3 roles before Man on Fire.

Looking at Shakira is always a treat but once again who asks for music at a sporting event?

No better way to prove you’re definitely not jealous or bothered by criticism than to make another tweet about it a day later.

This Week’s Bill Simmons Mad Libs: “Is Jamie Lee Curtis the Eli Manning of her generation?”

Anybody with the last Campbell is called Soupy or Soup.

Jarren Duran joins Yaz, Roger, Pedro, and JD Drew as Red Sox All Star Game MVP winners.

Chanting at sporting events is like verbally holding hands with other guys.

Two absolutely fantastic rookie pitchers this year, Skenes and Miller. When was the last time we had two rookies like that in one year?

I can see why you think you belong to me.
I never tried to make you think or let you see
one thing for yourself.
But now you’re off with someone else and I’m alone.
You see I thought that I might keep you for my own.

Amie, what you wanna do?
I think I could stay with you,
For a while, maybe longer if I do.

News Item: Bill Belichick to join the cast of The CW’s ‘Inside the NFL’ The CW still exists? Is it on after ‘Gossip Girl?’

Bro, you need to get to Comerica.

What happens if you say ‘Klutch Sports Group’ five times in a mirror?

I’ve seen D’Angelo Ortiz play a few times. Good approach, works the count. Table-setter at Miami Dade. Smart player, too. He worked hard and played two years of juco. Nothing glamorous there, just bus rides and ball.

What a bizarre culture we’ve created where the third wheel on a hockey podcast feels the need to tell us he’s laying off the benzos.

Honk if you remembered to watch the ESPY’s.

Gaylord Perry would have liked that ‘Hawk Tuah’ gal.

Well at least the fans from the South American countries didn’t live down to stereotypes and low expectations in the Copa.

Third Eye Blind can pack ’em in at Great Woods and 50 Cent can’t? We truly live in an odd odd time in history.

Kayla Burton, Steve’s kid, NBC Sports Boston. Your thoughts?

Hillbilly Elegy is a prime day deal $7.45. I Am due for a next book to read and heard it was good.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Gregg Berhalter.

Now you can’t stream to Twitter unless you’re a “Premium Member?” Thanks for making it tougher to survive as a content creator, Elon.

Best bet for the weekend: high drama at Royal Troon.

*Jaylen. Kysre. Cute couple of hoopers.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Modified limited hiatus?