Tag Archives: baseball

04/09/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Know this: After throwing out the first pitch along with his 1975 AL Pennant winning teammates, Carl Yastrzemski was back home before all the jets that did the flyover had landed.

Sox fans. Feeling a little better now? It’s a long season, in case nobody ever told you.

Has any other adult ever tried one of those Squishmallows blankets? They’re ridiculously cozy!

Val Kilmer’s death didn’t feel real. But then I saw Rear Admiral’s obit on Barstool…

Even when the racially confusing broad isn’t on the NESN broadcast O’Brien and Merloni make me feel like they’re pitching me timeshares.

What a demeaning existence. Gresh would’ve been guarding the king’s drawbridge 500 years ago, but now he’s stuck discussing Geno Auriemma’s legacy on something called “InfSportsNet” at 1am.

Rafael Devers runs like Charles Durning in When a Stranger Calls.

And now it’s Houston that can’t buy a basket in the waning moments. Congratulations Florida.

I don’t trust grunting pitchers.

Cakes are cooking for Dennis Quaid, Kirk McCaskill, Cynthia Nixon, Graeme Lloyd, Jacques Villeneuve, Gerard Way, Clare Bronfman, Keshia Knight Pulliam, Yoanna House, Milan Bartovič, Adam Loewen, Leighton Meester, Kristen Stewart, Elle Fanning, Lil Nas X, and Brooke Raboutou.

Bad news for my enemies, I woke up.

Whoever let Eduardo Perez get into broadcasting is a monster.

Isn’t Oblivio a Spider-Man villain?

Red Line Reminder: April 10-30 Service between JFK/UMass & Ashmont will operate with a shuttle train on each track. A shuttle train is one train, operating back & forth, between Ashmont & JFK/UMass on a single track. Riders on the Ashmont Branch should expect longer wait times for trains during this work. Please transfer to the Braintree platform at JFK/UMass for continued service towards Alewife.

Am I the only one who thinks Kelvin Sampson looks like OJ Simpson? Noticed the other day and can’t unsee it.

The Denver Nuggets should hire Mina Kimes. She’s so smart.

‘Fraser Minten’ was my favorite flavor of Frusen Glädjé when I was a kid.

Nice tribute to Luis Tiant above the Monster, similar to the ones for Tim Wakefield and Larry Lucchino last year. Hopefully the Sox won’t need to put one up next season.

“Hey gang of landlubbers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So my ex-girlfriend has joined the Navy and wants to see me before she leaves for Bootcamp.”

He’s gonna cross the sauces so hard tonight.

Wait, so Duran tried to kill himself because a law librarian bullied him?

Unless these MIT dorks invent a torpedo arm to help the Yankees pitchers throw the ball past people, this team isn’t going anywhere.

Okay, so the Russian beat the Canadian’s counting stat NHL total. Big deal.

“Ringing in the dough”? Is that a phrase?

Jay Williams who hasn’t wrecked his bike in like 20 years using “panic and miraculous” as his “one word to describe the Houston/Duke game” is peak ESPN.

‘Back to the Future’ but it’s Marty singing Jelly Roll at the school dance, and the entire crowd beats him to death.

Bruce Pearl is a slob.

When teams give extensions, they’re not just paying the player, they’re paying the person. Kristian Campbell is not the kind of guy that’s gonna be changed by money. He wants to learn and he wants to be great. Wholesomeness level at 100 just a great dude who worked to earn this.

Congrats to Marisa Ingemi, US Basketball Writers Association 2025 Rising Star.

Do you like PEEPS? I love PEEPS

The pretty ones who have no discernible talent but also don’t want to show their cooch are in a tough spot.

Another suburban family morning
Grandmother screaming at the wall
We have to shout above the din of our Rice Krispies

We can’t hear anything at all.
Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration.
But we know all her suicides are fake.

Daddy only stares into the distance.
There’s only so much more that he can take.
Many miles away
Something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark
Scottish lake.

I was asked today about my NBA comp for Cooper Flagg. I went with Scottie Pippen. I believe it’s a compliment to both, and also accurate. Obviously no comp is ever 100% on the money. But I will say, comparing Flagg to only white players seems lazy and uninformed.

Carl Yastrzemski is the bizarro Bobby Orr.

The World Egg throwing Championship will take place in June in Swaton England. Assuming the competitors can afford the eggs.

Gary Gaetti and Tim Wallach are kind of the same player, aren’t they?

This is a super old guy take, but one of the things I like best about the tournament as opposed to every NBA game is that there’s nothing being played over the PA system while the game is being played. Everything’s about the game. The constant barrage of sound stinks.

We will use the dire wolves to hunt the de-extinct wooly mammoths.

So it’s just now registering that Wally the Green Monster’s name is “Wally” because of the wall. Is this a revelation for anyone else? Clarifying that I understood the green monster part. The “Wally” for the wall part? Right over my head.

Fun fact: cookies and seafood are different.

If your favorite outfielder isn’t Wily Mo Peña, are you really a fan?

Honk if you remember Fernandomania.

A lotta kids shredded their rotator cuff because of that Canobie Lake Park radar gun.

Whose wife did Mike Malone bang?

RIP Octavio Dotel. I’m going to have to stop using the phrase, ‘as safe as a Dominican nightclub’ now.

So down to The Masters, how’s Tiger hittin’ em?

We unfroze our Yaz bread after the 2004 World Series. It smelled like cigarettes.

Best bet for the weekend: more much needed rain.

And that’s a sweep of the Knickerbockers.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Aja, when all my dime dancin’ is through, I run to you.

And happy birthday to Czech-born supermodel Paulina Porizkova.

04/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Soon. A little home cookin’ is what this team needs.

It’s never a good sign when your publicity stunt is initially thought of as an April Fool’s Day prank.

Officially tuning into Devers at bats like it’s Sosa-McGwire.

If it is the University of Denver, why do they go by DU? That doesn’t make sense. What am I missing @DU_Pioneers?

I just paid $7 for a loaf of bread. I hate it here.

Starting to believe the Red Sox might actually need THE BUTCHIE.

All baseball bats are torpedo shaped.

Flexing the gift card in the photo like it’s an Audi key fob.

I feel like people who grew up without money save things for a rainy day. And it’s really an unfair system.

‘Dan Campbell but he grew up further away from power lines’ is a tough sell for me.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Smith, Emmylou Harris, Ayako Okamoto, David Robinson, Juha Kankkunen, Christopher Meloni, Keren Jane Woodward, Clark Gregg, Bill Romanowski, Greg Camp, Tammi Reiss, Roselyn Sanchez, Pedro Pascal, Adam Rodriguez, Rory Sabbatini, Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Bloom, Yung Joc, Jesse Plemons, Quavo, and Zach Bryan.

I’d like to think Parcells has as much use for a red jacket as Belichick does for an AFC championship trophy.

Isaiah Stewart needs like a hug or a role model or something.

MBTA CR – Greenbush Line trains will experience severe delays due to police activity on the right of way in the Cohasset area.

All the best hitting coaches tell you to flare your elbows, be as rigid as possible, and slide forward with every swing.

I can tell I’m turning into a curmudgeon because I hate almost every internet “trend” or gimmick or whatever. Like this dude with his ice and his banana can fuck off. I just get irrationally angry whenever I even see a banana near some ice water now.

Irons is just mad I got a free Big Gulp yesterday morning.

Original Mystique?! The chairs are cooking now!

Pretty, pretty good road trip, Celtics.

Jack Clark hit the second most impactful home run of the 1980s. Prove me wrong..

Richard Chamberlain was the Wilt Chamberlain of gay guys.

A team secretly made new bats? This like the 1983 America’s Cup all over again!

Can you brandish anything other than a weapon?

Hey now, you’re an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
(And all that glitters is gold)
Only shootin’ stars break the mold.

Needy Kraft gets the attention he craves, the local media gets their hero Duane shoehorned (tracksuited?) into the Pats HoF, it’s a Win-Win-Lose!

I once forgot to wear my shoes in the house and was limited to only five vacation weeks that year.

Honk if you remember Dennis Conner.

I know it has been a long time and nobody cares, but there is no way in hell Kevin Mitchell was more valuable than Will Clark in 1989.

NEWSMAX debuts on the New York Stock Exchange and Bianca isn’t there to ring the bell? Outrageous!

A: Store brand.

Jeff Howe still hasn’t broken the Stefon Diggs news.

Irons is just mad that his teeth aren’t the color of roasted almonds.

Why does Bill Simmons pronounce it “Mim-phis?”

I’m just saying stop bothering us with your life-altering family tragedies.

Best bet for the weekend: a #1 seed winning. Or two!

BdlG saved her points for a rainy day.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I grew up lower middle class.

Happy birthday as well to Serbian fitness model Jelena Abbou.

03/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Diggs now has 69 million reasons to play hard for Coach Vrabes.

Why not just make the entire city out of sports arenas?

I have referred Domantas Sabonis to Tom Homan for immediate deportation.

Need an entry to sports, other than just turning the game on? Try Katie Nolan’s newest short-lived show.

Jalen Rose was dressed like he’s the captain of a cruise liner.

On the one hand, it’s not MY money, but on the other, Diggs is on the wrong side of 30 and coming off an ACL injury.

Scal looks like he has the opposite of whatever Mookie is suffering from.

Chisholm buys the Celtics. Chisholm, MN was home to Archibald “Moonlight” Graham. You mean Doc Graham.

You sound like someone who has no streaming friends.

It’s sad to hear George Foreman died, but I’m glad it wasn’t George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, or George Foreman. No father should have to bury a son.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Woodward, Diana Ross, Steven Tyler, Fran Sheehan, Vicki Lawrence, Alan Silvestri, Martin Short, Tony Papenfuss, Leeza Gibbons, Chris Hansen, Marcus Allen, John Stockton, Kevin Seitzer, Ulf Samuelsson, Michael Imperioli, Kenny Chesney, Leslie Mann, Larry Page, Irina Spîrlea, Anaïs Mitchell, Keira Knightly, Jessica McClure, Von Miller, Paige VanZant, and Danielle Bregoli.

Ben Simmons is Australian. He has trouble when playing in the northern hemisphere.

Goats are low-key everywhere.

Overly wide pelvis is the “short arms/small hands” of the WNBA scouting report.

Hey gang of true insiders! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He’s way too leveraged. Go ask around about the deal.”

Josina Anderson tweets like a four-star general who’s been kicked in the head by a horse.

The NFL Competiton Committee now has released its proposed rule and bylaw changes, including expanding instant replay to cover “objective aspects of a play and/or to address game administration issues when clear and obvious video evidence is present.”

Cooper Flagg is going to Philly because I can’t have nice things.

Mattapan Trolley: Shuttle buses replace service from 11:30 PM to the end of service on March 26 – 27 for trackwork.

Sabonis accidentally injures a lot of people.

FYI If you like Beetlejuice, Walmart has a ton of Beetlejuice apparel on sale.

If Tyrese Proctor were a doctor he would be Doctor Proctor. And what’s more, if he was an ass doctor, he’d be a proctorologist! No applause necessary.

And it’s a free for all in the parking lot
Tell me who will rule the street
And the night explodes
When the cops bring down the heat

And the chains they crash like thunder
While the weak ones all retreat
Gotta draw first blood
Or they’ll read your funeral rights

When the lightning strikes

Have more arcane requests at the deli counter. 2/5 a pound of turkey? Get the actual fuck out of here.

There’s only room for one Pastor Pedo Defender in this town.

Honk if you remember Diego Segui.

I am begging the Red Sox to give Campbell a better # before opening day. He just isn’t a #28

Is anyone else triggered by sports figures referring to the “DNA” of a team, describing attributes that don’t have ANY similarity to DNA?

People wouldn’t be giving Coach Hurley all this guff if he were Italian.

Playboy 92 Harris Rd anytime you want that smoke.

Thanks to Celtics City i learned Dave Cowens was Shaughnessy and Ryan’s hero and basically a fucking flake. Manny with a motor and fewer dead grandmothers.

You have to leave Boston to visit Flavortown now.

If you’re asking Jim Murray for literally anything you absolutely need to kill yourself. There’s no other option.

Inviting the wrong person into a group chat? Who would do that?

Best bet for the weekend: the return of baseball (and hope) to the region.

Fred Lynn Swann? Zesty!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Cool the engines. Cool the engines down.

And happy birthday to actress Jennifer Grey, who may have had some work done.

03/20/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Nice game, rook.

Scheierman has the game of his life and gets Jackie Mac instead of Abby in the walk off interview.

The Pitino Redemption Arc is my favorite sports store in many a year.

Love Abby, but her doing play-by-play was a little ambitious considering she sounded scared to death to chime in occasionally during last season’s clamcast. Maybe shoulda had her sub in for a quarter or two earlier in the season.

I’ve just had delivery of 3 pizzas I did not order. I have called the police.

It’s like fucking Mardi Gras over here. Boston is a St. Patty’s destination now. 20 years ago, you wouldn’t come w/o chaperone.

Bregman is a fun little new toy.

What was the over/under on Karen Read trial related fistfights on and along the parade route?

Anthony Pepe has tried to get on Entitled Town on multiple occasions.

You ever been to Dealey Plaza?

I’m unbothered by Coach Bill fobbing off his social media emails to Jordon. When you have a philosopher/entrepreneur right there you’d have to be an idiot not to use them.

Bruins dead cub bounce seems to be over.

A league source tells The15 that the team will be sold to William Chisholm, managing director of Symphony Technology Group. Chisholm grew up on the North Shore and is a lifelong Cs fan.

Cakes are cooking for Carl Palmer, Robert Gordon Orr, John de Lancie, Jimmie Vaughan, Holly Hunter, Sting(wrestler), Kathy Ireland, Manny Alexander, Jane March, Christy Carlson Romano, Ruby Rose, and Allisen Corpuz. (No cakes for Pat Riley or Spike Lee.)

The longer I spend on this earth the more easily I am convinced Warren Zevon is the greatest songwriter of all time.

Italians! In Providence! That’s just crazy!

Hey gang of Granite State roundtrippers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It looks like a post-apocalyptic child’s party.”

Mattapan Trolley Update: This delay has cleared. Shuttle buses are being phased out.

Tracy Morgan shitfaced and playing it off as a medical issue to avoid the embarrassment? That’s Drew Magary’s move!

RFK banning food additives and ingredients is not going to save you from the fact that you eat in a massive caloric surplus and refuse to do ANY type of exercise. Your children pick up on the habits you have, so it’s not going to save them either. Do better.

Citizen surveillance isn’t free, playboy.

MBTA heat is on in the 2nd red line car from the front, train is heading southbound to South Station.

Hypnotize on a Saturday night at MSG. Enough said.

Kay Adams….elite mouth. But ultra-premium vodka thinks that’s too much filtering.

Xavier has a fat cheerleader.

Does my Buffalo Wild Wings account REALLY need to have two-factor authorization?

Rotillo is a huge St. John’s fan now? Nice.

Know this: Peter Gammons loves two things: rocking out and stroking out. Also, baseball.

Bipolar Bravado is my early Kentucky Derby pick.

I gotta say, on the list of ballsiest demands, URI telling media to pay $20 for professional parking is up there. Fix your shitty WiFi first, then you can start doing stuff like that.

Well, I’m gonna treat you like the queen you are
Bring you sweet things from my candy jar
You’ve got tricks you ain’t never used
Give it, give it to me, it won’t be abused

I’ve been watching you for days now, baby
I just love your sexy ways now, baby
You know our love will never stop now, baby
Just put your loving in my box now, baby

Wrap it up, I’ll take it
Wrap it up, I’ll take it

I have to keep checking if it’s Morgan Moses or Moses Morgan. I know I’ll screw it up at least once.

Tom Wakefield made every day count.

I’d probably bang Red Panda if given the chance. But that may be the Flexeril talking.

Honk if you remember Bob & Ray.

Using “Green Teamers” as an insult is preposterous in 2025.

That Hilary Knight is a hockey player.

Jordon makes funbags-era Linda look like Garbo by comparison.

Derrick White is so good. Love that guy!

Nice hearing Andy Gresh on the national overnight radio.

Why would cough drops not be gluten free?

Happy National Doctor’s Day.

Did you ever try to calculate how many games Rico Carty missed in his career due to injuries?

I hope Bill Chisholm told his wife he was buying the Celtics.

Scoring goals in March is overrated.

Best bet for the weekend: Not St. John’s. Sorrey!

And a happy birthday to US Open winner Sloane Stephens.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, WikiFeet, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And that’s powerful stuff.

Bianca wants you to have a happy first day of Spring. Probably.

03/05/2025 Cleaning Up the Sports Junk Drawer

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“Faith and Begorrah! I hope that wasn’t your logo-stompin knee, boyo.” (Artist’s Depiction.)

Has Joel Embiid considered Nugenix? Could help with the knee pain. Plus, she’ll like it too!

And Kyrie now as well? Why do bad things happen to good people?

I’ll be honest: I heard a hack man died and thought we finally lost Jerry Thornton.

Bob Kraft hand-picked a guy 5 years ahead of time to replace the GOAT and he may never coach again. Beautiful stuff.

Man, the world lost so many titans of the film industry in the last year.

Oh good! The NBAs leading fake intellectual (maybe number 2 behind his buddy in Dallas) teaming up with TVs leading fake scientist to make a fucking sneaker. Yippee.

Thank you for your service, Trent Frederic.

You’re telling me that Josh couldn’t figure out a way to use Deebo?

One of the more underrated shots in the league is the wing taking the running hook off of a eurostep when attacking a closeout. A lot of guys get the open lane to attack one-on-one and they have to do a step through to a contested 5-footer, but so many miss it a lot.

I had no idea that Mexico has a woman president. Did you know?

Cakes are cooking for Fred Williamson, Randy Matson, Murray Head, Kent Tekulve, Eddy Grant, Marsha Warfield, Penn Jilllette, Charlie Reid, Craig Reid, Michael Irvin, John Frusciante, Eva Mendes, Wally Szczerbiak, Karolina Wydra, Dan Carter, Jake Lloyd, Kyle Schwarber, Taylor Hill, Justin Fields, and Beatrice Chebet.

It’s great having Dale back around, but every time I see him, I tend to think of Sophia and hope she’s doing ok.

Hey gang of Ramadan reflectors! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Number 8 on the court, number 20 on your hijacker manifest…BASHEEEEEER JIHAAAAAD!”

Could Adrien Brody play the lead in the Brad Marchand biopic?

All the original New York Dolls are now dead.

Green Line C Branch Update: Shuttle buses replace service between Cleveland Circle and Coolidge Corner due to an overhead wire problem near Brandon Hall.

I’m just saying, Bill Nye has been suspiciously quiet on his whereabouts during Gene Hackman’s death.

Despite hailing from Albany, Abbey Buttacavoli can’t be a more Rhode Island name.

If you have more money, you can buy more things.

One time I got a bag of broccoli florets and it was all stumps. My wife complained and Birdseye sent us $20 in coupons.

‘Fucking Dart Adams?’ That’s historian, journalist, lecturer, and Boston Native Fucking Dart Adams to you

News Item: Bill Belichick and UNC in negotiations be featured on Offseason Hard Knocks after NFL Films could not find an NFL team to do it after the Joe Schoen debacle last year.

Fun Fact: I saw The Joe Schoen Debacle play The Rat back in ’93.

One year from today we will have World Baseball Classic 2026 games.

Lil Jerry falls back on what he knows in times of crisis: being horrifyingly unfunny.

Brazil nuts are rich in Selenium.

This Gene Hackman loss won’t feel real until I read Rear Admiral’s paint-by-numbers obit on Barstool.

When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And If I haver, hey, I know I’m gonna be
I’m gonna be the man who’s havering to you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door.

[inarticulate Scottish noises]

Hard Knocks probably objected to the costs of needing dedicated production assistants to shoo Jordon out of every shot. And Lombardi, too.

Dybantsa? What is that? Dutch?

Listen it’s a terrible tweet. But, have faith in Dutch’s plan.

Just looked at Gasper’s Twitter bio. He describes himself as a “car geek.” lol What’s he driving, the car from ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo?’

Honk if you remember Torvill and Dean.

Word going around: Padres superstar Fernando Tatis Jr. is considering hiring Bad Bunny’s Rimas group to personally manage him (for marketing and maybe more)

EDM has derailed many careers.

Is there any other spy series equal to “The Americans”?

Truly amazing the same people who reveled in the hit piece on Belichick and the complete undermining of him in his final year are now acting insulted and surprised Robyn Glazer has gotten the media machine turned on her. You were okay with it 14 months ago.

When do we get Lenny Clarke’s appearance in the new Celtics documentary?

The Kansas City Chiefs are trading 4x Super Bowl champion Joe Thuney to the Chicago Bears, sources say.

Is rain ever described as anything other than “much needed?”

Happy Ash Wednesday to all my mackerel snappers out there. You guys better take on Lent like a hero. None of this “I won’t have sprinkles on my ice cream” bs. Real penance, real suffering.

Best bet for the weekend: Revs score a goal in their match at Philadelphia.

And happy birthday to singer and songwriter Madison Beer.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Give it away, give it away, give it away now.

Blonde. Bouncy. Bianca.

02/26/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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“Teddy ‘Cancer Face’ O’Neil was once one of the most feared men in South Boston. Now, however, with his body worn down from a 35-year battle with melanoma and lupus, he discusses what it was like to be a member of the Winter Hill Gang.”

I say the Competition Committee should reach a compromise: ban the Tush Push but keep The Brotherly Shove.

Walking around Montreal during/after a blizzard is a great workout.

Do birds like cheese?

They might have support groups for those who listen to spring training baseball on the radio.

Garden crowds are the best.

Let’s be real. The Canadian flag would make for a terrible bikini.

St. John’s is the best hoops team in New York.

A belated R.I.P. to figure skating legend Dick Button. He is survived by his partner, Clit Zipper.

Cakes are cooking for Bill Duke, Mitch Ryder, Michael Bolton, Connie Carpenter-Phinney, Joe Mullen, Dave Palone, J.T. Snow, Meeno Peluce, Sasha Danilovic, Erykah Badu, Jenny Thompson, Marshall Faulk, Chad Urmston, Corinne Bailey Rae, Katherine Hull Kirk, and Li Na.

The first a capella “Sweet Caroline” of the year always gets me.

Dan Lifshatz and Kendra Middleton have the chemistry of a Hollywood producer and the young actress he violates on the casting couch.

Hey gang of haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m gonna go ahead and take the under.”

Patrick Schwarzenegger is on ‘The White Lotus?’ Any relation?

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while Signal personnel perform maintenance between Maverick and Airport. Trains may stand by at stations.

Bill Simmons invented the documentary.

Imagine being mad the NY Yankees did away with their stupid appearance policy.

In the future, everyone will be Ted Sarandis for fifteen minutes.

Matthew Stafford’s exploration of his market value the last few weeks has indeed attracted significant interest from teams, notably the Raiders and the Giants, per sources. Teams are anticipating the Rams will now be driving up the asking price if they decide to move him.

Statistically, Nelson Cruz and Giancarlo Stanton are pretty much the same player.

The Oscars have to be the Super Bowl for Twitter.

Who’s has more fatalities since 1975: SNL cast members or Pittsburgh Steelers linemen?

Shout out Portugal!

The Yankees will no longer play Frank Sinatra’s “Theme from New York, New York” after losses, the club confirmed. Instead, there will be a rotating selection of songs — Sinatra’s “That’s Life” was played today.

Wearin’ her perfume, Chanel no. 5
Got to be the finest girl alive.
She walks real cool, catches everybody’s eye.
She’s got such good lovin’ that they can’t say goodbye.
Not too skinny, she’s not too fat.
She’s a real humdinger and i like it like that.
She’s the devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.
Devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress,
Devil with the blue dress on.

Sixers have like four guys going with the Frederick Douglass cut.

Honk if you remember Margo Adams.

Johnny Cash is overrated.

Does Pete Blackburn have the Little Sads?

I was kinda hoping Diana Taurasi would delay her retirement announcement long enough to deprive another player deserving of a spot in the next Olympics.

The 4 Nations Face-off? A cute, fun tournament, but doesn’t compare to the Miracle on Ice.

Dan Hurley knows he can shut the fuck up every now and then, right?

Also, Jay Glazer has devolved into a Dick Tracy villain or the henchman of some megalomaniac.

Emily Kaplan, is she Amish?

Everyone look at Gronk. He needs attention.

I can handle a couple seasons of a rebuild, Bruins. Do what you gotta do.

Best bet for the weekend: more load management for Cooper Flagg.

Headband game!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Because you’re mine. I walk the line.

And a happy birthday to Aussie actress & model Teresa Palmer.

02/20/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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If Canada loses, they have to take Rear Admiral from us.

What’s your suggestion as to how to fix the NBA All-Star Game? Let us know in the comments.

Alex Bregman a Red Sox? PTT!

My brain keeps autocorrecting Torrey Craig to Torey Krug.

Is everyone related to Patrick Mahomes a complete embarassment?

More people being shot at the Kansas City Super Bowl parade than at the Philadelphia celebration proves Tom Brady isn’t the GOAT.

Put a bounty on Joel Armia, it’s what Reg Dunlop would have done.

Not to go full Dondero, but LeBron James has been a lousy steward for the sport during his career.

Cakes are cooking for Buffy Sainte-Marie, Clyde Wright, Phil Esposito, Andrew Bergman, Sandy Duncan, Billy Zoom, Patty Hearst, Joel Hodgson, Charles Barkley, Ian Brown, French Stewart, Jeff Maggert, Andrew Shue, Lili Taylor, Liván Hernández, Stephon Marbury, Chelsea Peretti, Lauren Ambrose, Justin Verlander, Rihanna, Kristóf Milák, and Olivia Rodrigo.

I’m a little late to this, but I just want to congratulate Greg Bedard on defeating Awaken 180.

I was gonna hit up a Wednesday yard sale, but I have a wedding to go to.

Jayson Tatum, who has a “Hitch” tattoo, wants to be in the sequel with Will Smith and Kevin James.

Green Line Reminder: Feb. 22-23 No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) due to maintenance. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station.

Hardpressed to find a normal weather situation I wouldn’t take over this nonsense.

The most insufferable corner of the internet right now are the dudes eating their meals on wooden cutting boards and acting like they’re Jesus Christ.

Rafael Devers looks like a kid from a country that received some ‘Chiefs Super Bowl LIX Champions’ t-shirts, but he didn’t get one because all they had were mediums.

Great part of #FourNations is the young hoppers listening to kick-ass old-school rock tunes.

Imagine saying hello on Twitter to Ed Harding.

Like what mid chicks do to boost their looks, always hire a lawyer fatter than you are. It’s very slimming.

Lots of things valued at $182 are given away for one dollar!

Hey gang of alliteratives, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I have been nothing but creepy and aggressive to you. Please respond.”

Has Triston met Jordon?

I don’t know, maybe the guy who’s on the cover of the video game box is more famous than the guy who’s allegedly famous for playing the video game.

So Elon knocked up Sophia Jurksztowicz, right? What other explanation is there?

The loss of Eric Bieniemy finally came back to haunt the Chiefs.

For what it’s worth: TD Garden is not preparing for a presidential visit for the championship game between the United States and Canada.

This went over more heads than the history of clouds.

Thanks for asking, but I could never be a US Senator. I don’t have a cool name like “Barasso” or “Klobuchar”. Also I don’t dress well enough. Also I am a few million $ short. And too old. But thanks for asking. OK, nobody asked.

BLEHHHH! Dead father!! BLEHHHHH!!!

Guy why do you have a picture of my back on your Sports List?

Lonnie Walker IV has agreed to a two-year, $3 million deal with the Philadelphia 76ers, his agent George S. Langberg of GSL Sports Group told ESPN. Walker has played for Zalgiris Kaunas in the Euroleague and had an NBA-out in his deal. He now enters his 7th NBA season.

The delay-of-game warning remains the worst rule in sports. All you’re doing is delaying the game further just to announce that you don’t approve of people delaying the game.

Globe Pitchbot makes Jerry Thornton look like Patrice O’Neal.

Lavar Ball reportedly had his foot amputated after suffering a serious medical issue. Those Big Baller Brand sneakers must have been awful.

You fella, you tearing up the street.
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat?
Do you take me for a fool?
Do you think that I don’t see,
That ditch out in the valley that they’re digging just for me?

Yes, I’m going insane.
You know I’m laughing at the frozen rain.
And I feel like I’m so alone.
Honey, when they gonna send me home?

Bad sneakers and piña colada, my friend
Stomping on the avenue by Radio City with a
Transistor and a large sum of money to spend..

Mark Farinella looks like a guy who emits an unpleasant odor.

Feds can only ‘swoop in,’ much like how a franchise tag can only be ‘slapped’ on a Patriots player.

Honk if you remember Anderson-Little.

Instead of booing the Canadian National anthem, the US crowd should theatrically yawn and ostentatiously check their watches.

Miguel Tejada is the Vern Stephens of the 21st Century.

Pranav Gil is an innocent man.

Saturday Night Live over 50 seasons has had 15 cast members die? Seems low. The Iroquois has lost at least that many deckhands.

You’ll DH and you’ll like it you pudgy malcontent.

Best bet for the weekend: more slow jams in the weight room.

Tatum would rather read a fucking shampoo bottle than participate in conversation with those two dipshits.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’ll take advantage while You hang me out to dry. But I can’t see you every night. Free.

And a happy birthday to Cindy Crawford, American supermodel.

02/12/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You stick your lip out like that a bird might land on it. An Eagle, perhaps.

I’m told losing in the Super Bowl does irreparable damage to one’s legacy.

The arc of the moral universe is long, but bends toward justice for that awful Bundlerooski ad.

Congratulations to Boston University for a convincing Beanpot win.

Philly fans booed Santa Claus, Taylor. You’re in good company.

Holy shit. Don’t let the miserable cvnts suck the joy outta what you just watched. That was amazing.

How did Andy Reid find a shirt that is too big for him?

Who the hell directed that Tubi ad, David Cronenberg? My friend PlutoTV would never.

Love how fundamentally sound Knueppal and Flagg are.

I went to an Al Skinner camp when I was like 10 and he said I played like Henry Bibby.

Meg Ryan, you still got it, kid.

You know who would’ve loved watching that Super Bowl? Len Bias. Miss him everyday.

Cakes are cooking for Judy Blume, Maud Adams, Michael Ironside, Gil Moore, Michael McDonald, Joanna Kerns, Chet Lemon, Arsenio Hall, Brent Jones, Ed Lover, Michel Petit, Chynna Phillips, Josh Brolin, Darren Aronofsky, Lincoln Kennedy, Tara Strong, Cliff Bleszinski, Anna Benson, Christina Ricci, Gucci Mane, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Robert Griffin III,

Coop DeJean has great hands. Smart player. Like a coach out there. Just knows where to be. Underrated athlete.

My bank’s fraud protection department flagged my subscription renewal to MassLive, which doesn’t help my contention it is a real thing that actually exists.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Whoa, I think that’s “Big Dom!”

Is Mike Powell’s long jump world record effectively unbreakable now? Not that it couldn’t be broken, but the event no longer seems to be attracting the best athletes.

Hey gang who only skimmed the onboarding packet, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She’s eating vanilla cake like it’s her job.”

A Karen Read interview after the Super Bowl? Looks like Mahomes won’t be the only one shitting himself on Fox.

JD Davison is Michael Jordan of the G League.

Orange Line Reminder: Beginning at 8:30 PM Friday, February 14, through the end of service Monday, February 17 (Presidents’ Day). Shuttle Buses replace service between North Station and Oak Grove due to MassDOT bridge work.

Bruins should be sellers. But will probably be stand-patters.

Do Super Bowl touchdowns count for your stats if your opponent’s coach has already been doused in Gatorade?

Andy Reid looks like a laundry bag full of walnuts.

Red Sox Mgr. Alex Cora positive about this Red Sox team, “It’s a good team. A solid team. We should be OK!”

Dan Lifshatz is about two things: lying about his gambling exploits, being a fat piece of shit, and respecting women. Wait, that’s three things.

No three-peat also means Pat Riley loses out on a windfall.

I hope Philly fan appreciates winning a Super Bowl without first having the NFL change the scoring rules mid-game.

Biscuit joinery!

Does Mr. Dondero only tweet during free period? Or does he also do it while he’s patrolling the cafeteria?

Something’s at the edge of your mind
You don’t know what it is.
Something you were hoping to find
But you’re not sure what it is.
Then you hear the music
And it all comes crystal clear.
The music does the talking
Says the things you want to hear.

I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free.
Got the magic power of the music in me.
I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free.
Got the magic power of the music in me.

My lace curtain Irish grandmother always said I’d make a good potato farmer.

“Shaboozey” needs to be stopped.

Gold Glove winners in baseball can be divided into three categories: “really outstanding fielder”, “won it on reputation”, and “somebody has to get it.” I notice that the AL hasn’t really had a legit Gold Glove first baseman win the award since Teixeira in 2012.

I think at least two of the women in that Nike commercial are Josina Anderson.

Gonna be two Super Bowl blowout losses for Mahomes and Reid. Never happened to Brady and Belichick, Tone.

Honk if you remember an arbitrator declaring Carlton Fisk to be a free agent.

Rachid Meziane, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Yeah, I don’t think Roc Nation is interested in putting on a country music Super Bowl halftime show. Sorrey!

Glen Powell is a smoke.

The New England Revolution concluded their training camp with a friendly match against USL Championship side Tampa Bay Rowdies, taking a 1-0 victory at IMG Academy in Bradenton, FL.

Jalen Hurts sure loves to be photographed being left alone.

A 38-point 10 rebound night from freshman Liam McNeeley? Just think how good he’s gonna be his senior year!

There’s definitely some buzz about the 2025 Red Sox. No, that’s just tinnitus.

Upton Bell is too modest to mention it, but Bert Bell founded the Philadelphia Eagles NFL Franchise. Bert Bell was Upton’s father.

Best bet for the weekend: no vaccine or treatment available for 4 Nations Face Off fever.

What could have been.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We do the walk. We do the walk of life.

And happy birthday to actress Sarah Lancaster.

II/V/MMXXV Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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The Super Bowl media workroom is located in Row D of the Superdome parking garage. Heh heh.

I bet State Farm told Dallas they had to trade Doncic to the Lakers.

Points man Pasta is still a Good Kid.

Dale would drive 2 hours for a meatball, MegO goes for pizza from Star Market near the TDGarden – weirdos.

This Jaden Springer trade could haunt the Celtics. I can’t help but be reminded of when Harry Frazee traded da Babe!

I can’t beieve the Grammys forgot that dead guitar player from Whitesnake and Tygers of Pan Tang. So disrespectful. Also, Justin Tucker is no longer welcome at the Tigers of Pan Tang Spa.

Celtics recent failures are not the fault of the head coach according to Kristaps Porzingis “ Mazzulla” s doing everything he can to help us.”

Lebron has fucked so many teammates you’d think he plays in the WNBA.

Hey Lays, when can we finally get your ketchup chips here in Massachusetts? Going to Canada for them gets expensive.

A honk-less Truck Day. Sad.

As Valentine’s Day is coming, be aware that fragrances are heavily faked. If you want to be safe, buy direct, from retailers (Macy’s, Sephora, Ulta) or well-known discounters (Jomashop, FragranceX, FragranceNet, FragranceBuy).

WEEI should have just sent its unwanted on-air employees to Radio Row in New Orleans, and just never brought them back.

Imagine shaking your spouse awake (when you have sick kids!) to tell her your favorite basketball player got traded.

Cakes are cooking for Don Cherry, Larry Tamblyn, Nolan Bushnell, Charlotte Rampling, Darrell Waltrip, Barbara Hershey, Errol Morris, Nick Laird-Clowes, Jane Geddes, Tim Meadows, Duff McKagen, Jim Pugh, Laura Linney, José María Olazábal, Chris Parnell, Roberto Alomar, Bobby Brown, Sara Evans, Brian Moorman, Adam Everett, Cristiano Ronaldo, Laurence Maroney, Reed Sorenson, and Neymar.

A BU vs. BC Beanpot Tital Game? That hardly ever happens!

It’s crazy to think that if Luka were any fatter he’d be working at Atamian Honda.

The Milwaukee Bucks are trading Khris Middleton, AJ Johnson and a pick swap to the Washington Wizards for Kyle Kuzma, Patrick Baldwin Jr. and second-round draft compensation, sources tell The15.

I hear Mrs. Ted will be watching the Big Game at the MEMA Bunker. For reasons.

Red Line Reminder: Feb 8 – 9 (this weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between JFK/UMass and Braintree for signal upgrades. Commuter Rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

Beyoncé has won 33 Grammys. And I know one song by her.

Hey gang of fed-up football fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “look at all those meat-faced cretins.”

Justin Tucker will be fine, Ray Lewis killed a guy and they gave him a statue.

A self-serving unverifiable statement from Kyrie Irving you say?

If we’re very good, maybe all the hugely hyped Super Bowl ads will be seen online before the game!

Forbes Magazine listed America’s Most Generous Philanthropists for 2025, and no surprise here, # 1 on the list: Doug Meehan.

A Salvation Army band played
And the children drank lemonade
And the morning lasted all day
All day

And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day
Pushing the town away
Ah

Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Dee-doo-din-nie-ya-ya
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma
Hey-y-yah
Life in a northern town
Ah-hey-ma-ma-ma-ma

Nobody ever disappears in the Bermuda Triangle anymore.

Muffins are funnier than cupcakes.

No one “wins” the off season. The off season is just guesswork. Sportswriters claimed the Angels won the off season 10 times in a row, with Rendon, Shohei, Pujols, Torii Hunter, Josh Hamilton, Andrelton Simmons, etc. They never won anything; they just spent money.

Not for nothing Big Baby, but healthcare fraud is a very white crime.

Why is there an Eagles fan in the Big Y commercial talking about it’s too bad all our teams aren’t still playing?

Honk if you remember which TV show debuted after Super Bowl XVII.

Vice’s “Belichick or Brady” show? Dumb premise, but hagiographic for both of them, with nary a mention of Kraft. A welcome departure from last year’s Apple TV+ documentary.

Mike Zunino, who was really a pretty good player, last played in 2023, and left with a career batting average of .199. He is the first player ever to retire with 100+ career home runs and a batting average under .200. Joey Gallo will become the second.

Do you think Kyle Kuzma hates being called “Cooze” like Dr. Cusamano did?

Teams that have won the turnover battle in the Super Bowl have a 39-7 record.

What organization accredited Rich to go to the Soupey and pretend to still be media? ‘Sports?’ ‘Plain Black Mic Flag?’

Imagine being on yet another unearned vacation and obsessing over lost Twitter followers.

You think Upton Bell has never been in a Cadillac?

Standing Headline: Red Sox Free Agent Target Signs Elsewhere.

Best bet for the weekend: underwhelming advertisements during The Big Game.

Easily worth double that amount today.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I don’t need permission, make my own decisions. That’s, that’s my prerogative.

And happy Birthday to actress Nora Zehetner.

01/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Must. Credit. Minihane.

Congratulations to the Ohio State Football team for being the first six seed to ever win the National Championship Tournament.

Kirk riling up the useless Patriots beat writers into frantic activity is hilarious.

If Ted Johnson thought he had CTE before, just wait!

It’s Washington D.C. vs. Philadelphia in a battle of cities in which I don’t want to stop at red lights. And for NFC supremacy!

It’s funny because there was a television show also called Drake and Josh. No, wait, That’s actually not funny.

You’ve got the football acumen of Andy Hart, Ted Johnson’s sense of humor, and Fitzy’s encyclopedic knowledge of Beantown! What can go wrong?

Lifshatz had the Ainge deal days ago, bro.

Worst Irish ass kicking since the Easter Rising back in 1916.

Cakes are cooking for George Siefert, Steve Perry, Teddy Gentry, Karen Moe, John Wesley Shipp, Steve Riley, Linda Blair, Jeff Treadway, Stojko Vrankovic, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Diane Lane, Steven Adler, Ecaterina Szabo, Guy Fieri, Olivia d’Abo, Alex Ross, Bucky Brooks, Balthazar Getty, Chone Figgins, Ben Moody, Willa Ford, Jason Peters, Ben Eager, Leon Powe, Greg Oden, and Caitlin Clark.

The Bruins gutted out and won that MLK Day matinee to honor Willie O’Ree.

Ryan Day looks like Arby’s in human form.

If Jeff Howe gets one more fake malady he’ll turn into a white broad, forced to scroll WebMD for all eternity.

Herbstreit crying in the booth is embarrassing.

Hey gang of WX’ers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Cold enough for ya? Hey; at least it’s not snowing!”

Al Qaeda is funnier and has less turnover than EEI afternoons.

What can I say about Tom McVie that those that knew who he was, and what he did haven’t already said? RIP.

Kirk Gibson cleared it and landed at the far end of the lumber yard across the street.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Can you OD on antidepressants?

The Celtics struggling against bad teams but then beating a good (if depleted) Golden State squad doesn’t concern me because there probably won’t be many bad teams making the playoffs.

‘Puka Nacua is the closest thing to Jesus Christ I will ever see in my lifetime.’ -Middsy Middleton

E-L-G-S-E-S!!

Why am I being told I cannot attend Medical School in Canada?

Time is quickly running out for teams with vacancies to pounce on proven commodity Jerod Mayo.

The only thing Mark Daniels has ever broken is poor Bill Bendetson’s heart.

“I don’t love all the Josh McDaniels screens” should be met with a Lacey Underall, “I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.”

Skeleton Crew wasn’t Andor or early Mandolorian (and it wasn’t trying to be), but it was easily some of the best Star Wars content we’ve gotten in a very long time.

I want to start a GoFundMe for Mike Lombardi to get a proper haircut.

Bring Romeo Crennel out of retirement for DC! If he’s still alive.

‘Executive Vice President of Football Business’ always sounded like Jonathan made the title up on the spot.

Albert Breer has more arrests than he has broken stories.

Live, baby live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
Mmm, perfect moments
But so impossible to refuse

Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises

Got a hold on you
A new sensation (a new sensation)
Right now
It’s gonna take you over
A new sensation (a new sensation)

Puns used to be the lowest from of humor, until the advent of the ‘same name!’ gag.

MegO went from Jonesy castoff to Celtics insider. She knows things.

‘Brady vs. Belichick: The Verdict.’ That sounds like a sensible use of my finite time on Earth.

Select 2025 Red Sox single game tickets are on sale this week!

Ryan Day looks like what you’d get if Lou Merloni and Dakota from Braintree had a kid.

Congratulations to John Karalis for announcing that he is transitioning in this current environment. Stunning and brave.

Ben Johnson has dull, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

BBWAA ballot reveals and my eyes roll back so far they landed 565 feet away.

Honk if you remember R. Budd Dwyer.

Baseball without Bob Uecker is kind of like a birthday cake with no frosting.

Vrable is the new Bellycheck.

Jeff Darlington misusing a program intended for low-income families pays $2.10.

All of Kendra Middleton’s rebuttals to people disagreeing with her are just calling them unfuckable pussies. Way to raise the bar for women, Steinem.

Best bet for the weekend: the former NFL official on the broadcast team agrees with the on-field call.

‘So long Robyn. We’ll always have the memories. And this new mural.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Rag Mama rag, I can’t believe its true. Rag Mama rag, what did you do? I crawled up to the railroad track. Let the 4: 19 scratch my back.

And Happy Birthday to Brazilian supermodel Raica Oliveria.

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