The 15

Shorter Boston sports media: “Robert Kraft don’t you DARE keep Bill after we all worked so hard convincing you he had to be fired!!”

C’s getting themselves out of trouble like their dad is a detective had to end sometime.

I’ll say it every time he’s on: Sean McDonough is the best multi-sport broadcaster in the business. #SugarBowl

PWHL Boston. Simple and to the point. Best of luck.

For someone who calls for so many reviews Scal seldom knows what they are looking at.

A four-game win streak pretty well and good evens out the damage of a four-game losing skid. Keep the momentum up for the new year, Bruins.

Fire Sale? No; they traded him to Atlanta.

Does anybody know if Belichick is focused on getting ready for the Jets?

Coach Hardo got too cute by half and bit his own kneecap.

Aaron Rodgers is such an asshole, he makes you root for Jimmy Kimmel.

Cakes are cooking for Thelma Schoonmaker, Stephen Stills, John Paul Jones, Jim Ross, Mel Gibson, Willy T, Ribbs, Jim Everett, Cheryl Miller, Michael Schumacher, Danica McKellar, A.J. Burnett, Kōhei Uchimura, Jisoo, and Florence Pugh.

David Tyree and Eli Manning also have birthdays. But no cake for them.

Jim Harbaugh could win a national championship. John Harbaugh could win a Super Bowl. It’s a good time to be a Harbaugh.

Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E), through Jan. 12 & Jan. 16-28, due to track work. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station.

Hey gang of tipplers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those are nice ducks.”

Life is about little, surprising, pleasures. Ate at the Corrib Pub in Brighton, MA prior to BC-Wake Forest. Excellent “Irish” BLT (a club you can actually eat), great fries, great music mix and a friendly Irish bartender. Someone should take notes.

News Item: After more than 40 years, Improv Boston closing down. Yes, and…?

Can we stop it with this? Ja didn’t dunk on Wembanyama. He attacked Wemby and got by him. This was no Vince on Fred Weiss situation.

It’s DeMario not DeMario idiot.

I’d pay extra if League Pass had an option for just crowd and ambient noise.

I met you several years ago
The times, they were so strange but I had it figured out
You looked into my eyes just once
An instant flashing by that we were stealing

Another time you felt so bad
And I wasn’t any help at all as I recall
We didn’t know quite what to do, so we left the wanting
Be still there for me and you.

Dark star, I see you in the morning.
Dark star, a-sleeping next to me,
Dark star, let the memory of the evening,
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me, dark star.

Almost all professional writers are paranoid about accidentally borrowing some other writer’s words. It’s a professional hazard, a writer’s equivalent to falling asleep at the wheel if you are a truck driver or accidentally insulting your boss if you’re a mafioso.

Whitlock needs to update his macOS; looks like he hasn’t since at least 2019.

I am not a uniform guy. just win, baby!

The Chargers needed to run the wedding defense. It’s the only thing that can stop Stidham.

Local Collaborative queueing up for the Penix Bandwagon?

I hope Aidan enjoyed the inmate traditional celebration of the new year when everyone bangs on their cell doors for 15 or 20 minutes at the stroke of midnight.

Honk if you remember the Paul Anka Integrity Kick.

McAvoy looks good so far playing without his ACL and MCL.

Every good thing in this world started with a dream.

Now two elite AFC quarterbacks are confirmed to be resting in Week 18: Patrick Mahomes and Joe Flacco.

Peter May was a consummate pro. The Globe was lucky to have him.

Go Peabsy! He’s on the ropes!

I’ve seen what I needed to see, 2024 is the year of women in sports.

Naysayah please.

If you have two Corrib Pubs, you have no Corrib Pubs.

Weep, Bert Breer.

Drew Carter’s Radio Voice affectation is at a 9. We need him at a 2.

A hardy bunch, those L Street Brownies.

Jermaine Wiggins and Fred Smoot are wondering why they weren’t invited on the Lolita Express.

The Pot Tart mascot was edible!

If you have six fewer TGIFridays, you have six fewer TGIFridays.

Gene Steratore thought the refs did a great job.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Vinny Jace.

Remembering those with local ties we lost in 2023: Tim Wakefield, Chris Snow, Russ Francis, Bill Campbell, Lee Tinsley, Billy Evans, Chris Ford, Tim McCarver, Don Blackburn, Roman Mejias, Jim O’Connor, Heather Walker, Rick Hoyt, Bill McGovern, Bob Bolin, Ryan Mallett, Mario Guerrero, Eddie Bressoud, Gilles Gilbert, Ed Sandford, Dick Drago, Judy Slamin, Tom Larson, Mo Maloney and Eric Montross.

Best bet for the weekend: South Dakota State Jackrabbits repeat as FCS Champs.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Merry New Year!

It’s never bad to beat the Broncos in Denver. Way to bounce back, Ryland.

Nice west coast road trip, Green Team.

It’d be a pleasant way to end that losing skid with a W against a Buffalo squad, Bruins.

I thought Tatum would have a nicer house, tbh.

Wonder if Red Sox told Yamamoto their ballpark is most beloved.

Jack Edwards is doing totally fine. Stop asking about him.

Congratulations to ‘Hardy’ for finally making above minimum wage after 25 years in radio.

Fun fact: The wild turkey was designated the state game bird of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts thirty-two years ago today.

Turtleboy goes before A Judge more than Gleyber Torres.

Cakes are cooking for John Amos, Mike Pinder, Terry Bozzio, Andre Tippett, Bill Self, Jim Leyritz, Bill Goldberg, Jean-Christophe Boullion, James Stewart, Carson Palmer, Emilie de Ravin, Paul Stastny, Hayley Williams, Rick Porcello, and Timothée Chalamet.

Started spur-of-the-moment (and way overdue) re-watch of one of HBO’s best, “Six Feet Under”. On 2nd viewing, you pick up on so much shit you missed the first time (& spot future stars). Such a unique premise with fantastic writing/acting, as well as perhaps the best finale ever. My only complaint: the show needed more Percocet.

The New Year is really right around the corner. I’m very excited.

Teams fuck themselves up attacking Hauser like he’s some traffic cone and turns out he isn’t. It’s like when the Celtics mismatch hunt and then struggle scoring because they aren’t playing within their offense.

Hi Upton, I just wondered if you had a personal anecdote about any famous event that happened in America in the 20th century?

Just thought of a random dark Curb Your Enthusiasm-esk bit … Larry wins a fantasy football league where one of his friends died during the season, tries to collect from the widow.

Red Line Update: This delay has cleared.

Hey gang of deceptively athletic types, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do I have to draw you a picture? Fine. Hand me the peach crayon.”

I didn’t need my bank wishing me a Merry Christmas via email. I need them to just be quiet and hold onto my money.

Emile Coué + Oswald Bates = FCHWPO

I had a pair of the K-Mart fake Adidas with the five stripes when I was little. I would like to be in the documentary.

Holiday traffic really kills the holiday spirit.

There’s a coinflip’s chance Robert does something stupid because he’s miffed no one ever called him a genius or The GOAT.

Random thought/question: Anyone remember Pizzarias chips from Keebler? Those things were so good. They should bring them back!

Why do we never get an answer when we’re knocking at the door?
Because the truth, it’s hard to swallow, that’s what the war of love is for

It’s not the way that you say it,
When you do those things to me.
It’s more the way that you mean it,
When you tell me what will be.

And when you stop and think about it,
You won’t believe it’s true.
That all the love you’ve been giving,
Has all been meant for you.

I’m looking for someone to change my life.
I’m looking for a miracle in my life.
And if you could see what it’s done to me
To lose the the love I knew could safely lead me through.

“My sister was molested and all I got was this lousy excuse to drink” is a tee shirt you can find at Hampton Beach.

To the good, Aidan has a hairstyle that can be trimmed competently using only electric clippers.

Did the Lakers get that stupid IST champion banner from a company in Indianapolis?

You see, because..

The NFL let the Chiefs play too many games over the last five seasons on purpose to make them tired!

Wander Franco is now Evade Franco. Sad.

Honk if you remember when almost everything you wanted but didn’t get for Christmas was on sale now at Sears!

Hearing whispers everyone employed by that CONSONANTS vanity site have applied for the vacancy at 98.5.

Nemesis follows hubris, chudmuffins.

Go out and get that Washington Football Team a pair of wins, embedded Patriot Jacoby Brissett!

The comparison between Mike Trout and Mookie Betts is in several ways a replay of the competition between Mantle and Mays. Mantle won in the short run; Mays won in the long run–and it kind of looks like this one is going to go the same way.

Why is Servpro the sponsor of the First Responder Bowl?

Celibate Midget benched, Old Friend Stihdsy to get the first team reps the final two games for the Broncos.

Have a safe, happy, and at worst, mildly tipsy New Year’s Eve.

Best bet for the weekend: an entertaining Orange Bowl.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What are words for, when no one listens anymore?

Winnable games this week lost by the P’s, B’s, and C’s. Less than ideal.

I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile.

Keep your head down for 25 years and you too can receive a too-late promotion in a dying industry.

Welcome to New England, two-time MLS Cup winning coach Caleb Porter.

There hasn’t been a good new Christmas song since 1992.

Looking for a last-minute Christmas gift? Consider a pound or two of Callahan Coffee: it’s dark and delicious and as a bonus a portion of each purchase is donated to keep a needy Russian conscript fighting in Ukraine for another six days!

Maybe name your burner something other than Andrew.

Cakes are cooking for Peter Criss, Dick Wolf, Uri Geller, Alan Parsons, Cecil Cooper, Anita Ward, Joyce Hyser, Nate Newton, Aubrey Huff, Jonah Hill, Lucy Pinder, Jojo Levesque, and Kylian Mbappé.

“Damontae Kazee” sounds like something a vaudevillian magician would shout before he made his lovely assistant disappear.

This Iceland volcano shit is insane, kid. It’s gon’ be ugly when Ma Nature has that big-ass, lava-spewing, Earth-shaking ultimate orgasm. Just another reason to #BuyPhysicalMedia.

I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.

Not saying there is a prejudice against Japanese pitchers, but the Sox got Koji Uehara cheap in 2013 because people said he couldn’t close games and couldn’t pitch on consecutive days. He closed, pitched on consecutive days and had a 1.09 ERA, 10-1 strikeout/walk ratio.

Call me Jayson Tatum: I love hitting 3s.

Hey gang of nonprime numbers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hug your penguins a little tightah.”

Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.

One could scarcely help fancying it must have run there when it was a young house, playing at hide-and-seek with other houses, and have forgotten the way out again.

I could never say “Courvoisier, please” to a bartender.

Can you have offered Yoshinobu Yamamoto $300 million and then not have offered him $300 million?

Green Line D Branch Reminder: Shuttle Buses replace service between Riverside and Kenmore due to track work. Regular service will resume on December 21.

UConn Men’s BB holding steady at #5 in the AP Poll.

The modern-day equivalent of “don’t trust anyone over 40” is “everyone under 40 is mentally irregular”.

I’m not hearing Boston sports talk being done differently. At all.

It’s okay to not be okay, J.C. Jackson.

I hear Cashman is working on a trade for Connor Wong next. Then will try to package Wong, Downs, and Alex Verdugo to LA for Mookie Betts. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.

SMARTEN UP

‘Electeds of Color’ sounds like a kick ass band name.

You can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
Ding, dong, ding, ah-ah, ring it
You can ring my bell, anytime, anywhere
Ring it, ring it, ring it, ring it, oww
You can ring my bell, you can ring my bell
Ding, dong, ding, ah-ah, ring it
You can ring my bell, anytime, anywhere
Ring it, ring it.

It is required of every man, that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. 

Joansies’ ratings are so low they’re all RT’ing and favoriting ballwasher posts.

Society has progressed past the need for Zack Snyder movies and/or multiple bad cuts of said movies.

So you are telling me ‘Hardy’ and ‘Sarge’ are different people? If you say so.

Honk if you remember the Sears Wish Book. And honk twice if you remember Old Fezziwig.

If the local media could kindly stop trying to press a gold watch into Belichick’s palm and push him out onto a waiting ice floe that would be great.

Oh God! to hear the Insect on the leaf pronouncing on the too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust!

Looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for that hockey fan in your life? Try Tough Guys by Dale Arnold (Triumph). He profiles a long list of NHL’s enforcers, who talk about their peculiar roles. Among his subjects: Chris Nilan, Jay Miller, Terry O’Reilly and P.J. Stock. It’s a revealing read into an increasingly rare subculture and comes recommended.

So apparently the frails don’t like being called broads. Who knew?

MLS dropping out of the US Open Cup tells you everything about that league. The only real and historical piece of US Soccer and they ask out.

Referring to drug and alcohol abuse as “self-medicating” is like referring to candy bars as “Nutrional supplements.”

A: Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.

Lauko didn’t waste much time getting into it again, did he?

This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree; but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. 

It’s amazing. My buddy’s son’s team lost a heartbreaker to their rival last night in almost the exact same fashion as the Celtics did v. Golden State. Lead throughout. Lead slips. Offense at the end dries up. Back breaking 3 by outstanding shooter to tie. Wheels come off in OT. Lordy.

If you don’t find National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation funny I don’t know what to tell you.

Ron Hobson Media Good Guy Award SZN.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. 

Best bet for the weekend: traffic by the shopping centers.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.

Do you think that Bailey Zappe has blocked Dan Orlovsky’s phone number yet?

I’m being told #10 is not in fact Top 5.

Do New York Giants fans have a nickname for winning with Tommy DeVito yet? Like a Linsanity-type thing? If not, they should.

Malik Cunningham wasn’t even here long enough to be referred to as “the player”.

Dan here’s my message to the Red Sox and it’s as simple as it gets. Stop talking about doing things and do them in front of me and make me stop not believing that you don’t care about winning.

It’s the final two minutes of the game, it’s not The Purge, Mahomes. There are still rules.

Cakes are cooking for Dick Van Dyke, Lou Adler, John Davidson, Ferguson Jenkins, Skunk Baxter, Ted Nugent, Wendie Malick, Steve Forbert, Morris Day, Richard Dent, Bo Pelini, Josh Fogg, Amy Lee, Rickie Fowler, and Danielle Collins.

Plans for Ohtanis Japanese Steakhouse in the Big Concourse have been cancelled. Instead we’ll get Breslow’s Kosher scratch & dent knish cart.

The Steve McNair ottoman claimed another one. RIP, Frank Wycheck.

The Los Angeles Chargers at the Las Vegas Raiders sounds like it’s from Biff Tannen’s sports almanac.

There’s no vulture emoji.

Ohtani banked $700 million and immediately apologized for making people wait lmao imagine being that polite

Sal is The15’s Larry Flynt. Except that he’s crippled by gas station drugs.

Your Christmas lights temperature color is wrong.

Pat McAfee seems like a guy who has at least two stepfathers, has kids who have multiple stepfathers, and is a stepfather himself. #tanktops

The fact college hockey is on a break for exactly the time period I am back in New England is ruining my life.

Hey gang, this week’s phrase that pays is “Serbian stolen valor.”

Between MegO drinking Mountain Dew and convenience store energy drinks and hating all vegetables, she has to be the trashiest college women’s lacrosse player ever.

The Andelmans ruined the Three Stooges Marathon.

If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.

HAHAHAHAHA! Cutlets!!

Bobby Bonilla walked so Shohei could run faster than the speed of light.

Meet me in the middle of the day,
Let me hear you say everything’s okay.
Bring me southern kisses from your room.
Meet me in the middle of the night,
Let me hear you say everything’s alright,
Let me smell the moon in your perfume.

Oh, Gods and years will rise and fall
And there’s always something more.
It’s lost in talk, I waste my time
And it’s all been said before.
While further down behind the masquerade the tears are there.
I don’t ask for all that much I just want someone to care.
That’s right now.

I feel like every franchise needs a third-string QB that’s an egregious stereotype of the people who reside in the geographical area of the team.

Honk if you remember Mark Henderson.

If you think Belichick is terrible why does it matter where the draft pick is?

Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.

There was a psychic named Criswell. No idea if he predicted the Red Sox signing a guy with the same name.

How many times in the last year have you ridden in an elevator?

I see this alot nowadays. I get in with 5mm of rubber covering everything but my eyes and nose. These people getting in bare is something to do with Wim Hof or cold therapy. Either way, it’s fucked.

Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.

I’m kind of disappointed that Kirsty MacColl couldn’t be bothered to show up at Shane MacGowan’s funeral.

No famous person has had a birthday in secret since the turn of the century.

Congratulations Joe Castiglione on winning the Frank Deford Award.

Baseball bat knob shot glasses!

Malik Willis and Malik Cunningham should join forces to create 3/5s of a good QB.

Detective Frank Pembleton could have gotten a confession out of Ray Ray. Gone too soon, Andre Braugher.

Best bet for the weekend: things could still change.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

The Patriots sucking might just flex some of these media losers out of jobs.

Dugie traded to New York? They’re obviously trying to launder the return on Mookie.

Someone has to be held accountable for losing the in-season tournament that I thought was a dumb idea until just recently. And that someone is Kornet.

This is of course payback for FSU stealing a national championship from Notre Dame in 1993.

“This Banton guy”. Says the guy whose name Felger nearly remembers.

Imagine wearing a ‘Big Dom’ sweatshirt and an attractive woman asks you what your shirt means and having to explain it.

Cakes are cooking for Dan Harrington, JoBeth Williams, Keke Rosberg, Thomas Hulce, Steven Wright, Peter Buck, Nick Park, David Lovering, Judd Apatow, Kevin Cash, CoCo Vandeweghe, Johnny Manziel, and Giannis Antetokounmpo.

Logan Paul needs better entrance music. Too generic for a big-name star.

Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.

Green Line: Service has resumed between Babcock St, Kenmore, Heath St and North Station. Trains will continue to bypass Haymarket Station through December 16 to allow for work on the Government Center Garage demolition.

The Reds moved up into the top 6 in MLB Draft Lottery, so the Red Sox stay at 12 even with the Mets falling back 10 slots. That jump up by the Reds cost the Red Sox at least $210,000 in bonus pool value (based off 2023 values).

Anyone else object to announcers at high school football games saying, “I hope you took the over?”

Also, it is just me, or has Sophia Jurksztowicz changed her appearance and primed for a network spot? She is an absolute pro on the hockey analysis side already.

Hey gang of bean counters! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The last thing that tub of goo needs is more red meat.”

Ohio State QB Kyle McCord has entered his name into the transfer portal.

“You are a bad sandwich like the one in Minority Report” is a very very solid niche comeback.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it?

Nicholas Judice, one of the pitchers who the Red Sox received in the Alex Verdugo trade, is 6 foot 8.

I’m hearing whispers MMFR1 has never not been disappointed by a scone.

Oh, pipe down, Dark Bertrand.

Something that never existed cannot recur.

I just want Shohei to go where he’s most comfortable. There; I said it.

Honk if you enjoy a Gershwin tune.

It took me way too long to realize Joaquin Wilde was DJZ in Impact.

Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.

People comparing Giannis to Shaq in any way need to calm down.

Wow, you thought you heard ‘Fairytale of New York’ during December a lot before!

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
Life is demanding without understanding.

I saw the sign
And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.
No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong;
But where do you belong?

So I had trouble sleeping last night, or so I thought. Turns out I was dreaming that I couldn’t get to sleep. Got in some good delta wave sleep. I woke up confused but refreshed.

Joe Mauer is an obvious Hall of Famer. That is all.

The good news is if Bill Belichick wins three more games this season, he gets to take Coach Prime’s spot as Sporthuman of the Year.

A: Gifts are multiples of 18 because 18 is the number of life or lucky number.

The Verdugo trade is about the best prospect they got back. Insight like that is why Lou Merloni makes the big money.

‘Gaylord Opryland’ was also one of Upton Bell’s P-Town stage names.

It would be epic if the Trev Lawrence injury opened up an opportunity for a quarterback of colorrrrr

The tongs silenced Big Jim’s dad. RIP.

What do we think of Rhode Island FC’s kit reveal yesterday? Let us know in the comments.

Tanking and sucking are not synonyms.

Did Von Miller bribe the League Suspension Man like he did the Piss Man?

Best bet for the weekend: More than six total points getting scored in the Army-Navy Game.

Material from interviews, wire services, X FKA Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Steven Wright, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Your head will collapse, and there’s nothing in it. And you’ll ask yourself-Where is my mind?