Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

5/22/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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If you’re only going to hit one three-pointer, let it be the one that forces overtime.

Nothing like ECF nerves. Unless you’ve lived it you’ll never understand.

When you can go from the #1 rated morning show in town to a classic rock station with Ted Johnson, how could you not?

Ben McAdoo looks like he shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of a school.

Sunrise, Florida vs. Edmonton, Alberta sounds like a potential ratings bonanza for ABC.

Of course Jaylen Brown hit the big shot right in front of Drake Maye and Guy Fieri.

At least Javon Baker got Ju Ju out his wheelchair.

Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is the true measure of Karma. No cup tastes the same as the last and the more good energy you put into the world, the better cup you’ll get in return.

Cakes are cooking for Tommy John, George Best, Bernie Taupin, Steven Morrissey, José Mesa, Alison Eastwood, Naomi Campbell, Corey Croom, Katie Price, Maggie Q, and Apolo Anton Ohno.

What time is the 8pm tipoff?

I am so perplexed by some of you who think I want, or need, anything from my work. I do need to avoid starving (on the whole), and it’s ideal when I am in the zone, but, at the end of the day, I just deploy my skillset as I am called to serve. Anything else is a fringe benefit.

Sweeney said that no Bruins are scheduled for offseason surgery.

Orange Line Reminder: May 20-23, Nights only from 8:30 PM to the end of service. Shuttle Buses replace service between Oak Grove and North Station due to bridge and track work. Commuter Rail Haverhill Line will be available for alternate service.

There’s nothing like the intensity of a Game Seven.

Charlotte Wilder went from Fox Sports to Dan LeBatard to Plain Black Hat in two years. Kevin Spacey had a gentler fall from grace.

Red Sox are right in the meaty part of the win/loss curve.

It’s a damn shame no one hacks anymore. Nothing like getting in a circle and kicking the bag around. And Cons were the best hacking shoe. Perfect in-step, and flexible ankle.

Hey gang of spectral phenomenists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I am too old to be fighting ghosts.”

You don’t HAVE to weirdly overpraise the Knicks NBA blue checks. It’s not a rule or anything.

I had Cannoli ice cream for the first time on this day five years ago. I did at an ice cream shop near the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. Since then, I have seen Cannoli ice cream at a few other ice cream shops.

TJ McConnell is such a smart player. Crafty. Underrated athlete.

Have to admit those Texans lettermen setups were some sharp looking jackets, even if it was a terrible idea.

This Bridgerton season is NOT healthy for us delusional yearners.

I impinged one of my ECF nerves once.

Tweet asking whether there is any recent player whose career has fallen apart like Andrew Benintendi’s. It’s as common as dirt. Go back to 2019 and look for young players who were playing well then, and you’ll find 20 of them. . .Javy Baez, Roughned Odor, Nomar Mazara.

I’m sorry you don’t think I went to Celtics games in the 80s, Filter Pig.

Chris, FOR YEARS I’ve beat some of the best prognosticators in the World. I have never lost. YOU are the only one who beats me every year. Your early pick on American Idol Won last night with Abby Carter Hats off to you Friend

If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial
And I’m here, yeah, in your prison
Like a coin in your mint
I am dented and I’m spent with high treason

Through a glass eye, your throne
Is the one danger zone
Take me to the pilot for control
Take me to the pilot of your soul

Take me to the pilot
Lead me through the chamber
Take me to the pilot
I am but a stranger

I will say – casting Lazar as the pompous know it all dick was spot on.

Hear me out…IF the Finals is Celtics vs. T-Wolves both teams should be forced to play KG for at least 3 minutes. Celtics get him for 4 games (first seed privilege), T-Wolves get him for 3. Cs get him games 1 & 2 then rotate game by game. This is the way.

Honk if you remember Nicholas Colasanto.

I don’t think Aidan had gotten around to investing his grift money into making his site less AIDSy.

20 years from now, when your kid asks you just how injury-depleted the Knicks were in their second-round matchup vs. the Pacers in 2024, tell them that Alec Burks was New York’s third-leading scorer in the series (and NY’s second-leading scorer over the final four games).

Rylo Huncho died doing what he loved.

Gun to my head, I would have said there were eight PWHL teams.

I’m not calling a grown man, “Bronny.”

If Jayson Tatum shot 6-for-24 in a Game 7 people would be destroying him, win or lose. Anthony Edwards does it and he’s the new face of the NBA? If I wasn’t such a big Ant fan I’d find this very annoying as a Celtics fan.

Who is the American League version of Ed Kranepool? Let us know in the comments.

Ted Johnson’s Rosemary Kennedy impersonation, while strikingly accurate, was in poor taste this morning in my opinion.

Best bet for the holiday weekend: media personalities being forced to reassess their unfairly negative opinion of the Celtics.

Well, that’s like, your opinion, man.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, NO Mark Farinella, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hos soon is now?

And Happy Birthday to Damariscotta’s own Anna Belknap, star of stage, screen and television.

5/15/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You think the old barn will be rocking the next couple nights? Heh heh.

(Editor’s Note: in last week’s Junk Drawer a quote from Mark Farinella was mistakenly attributed to comedian Mitch Hedberg. We apologize for the error and thank Mr. Farinella for pointing it out.)

I bet everyone is happy the Celtics came back on the road and finally won a close playoff game.

Drew Bledsoe rooted for Roy Stalin in Better Off Dead.

You could run a black light over the court at MSG and not find any winning DNA.

Who greenlit Harrison Butker’s commencement speech? Nick Adams? Fred Waterford?

A quarter of the season done, and the Red Sox lead the league in ERA. If that holds up, it would be the first time that has happened since two years before the Magna Carta was signed.

Drew Bledsoe is the Platonic ideal of a coach’s kid.

Will rookies wearing their actual game numbers improve Patriots coverage this year?

Nothing says I’m a dickhead Boston cop like a bald head and a goatee.

Cakes are cooking for Anna Maria Alberghetti, Wavy Gravy, Don Nelson, Brian Eno, Chazz Palminteri, George Brett, Mike Oldfield, Dan Patrick, Kevin Von Erich, Melle Mel, John Smoltz, Emmitt Smith, Desmond Howard, Jennifer Rizzotti, Ray Lewis, Ryan Leaf, David Krumholtz, Josh Beckett, Justin Morneau, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Christiane, and Andy Murray,

Max Strus has never actually hit a three against a team other than the Celtics.

Hey gang of potential sports managment agency clients, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do rib tattoos hurt? I want one.”

Drew Bledsoe would be divorced too if he played in the NFL for 23 seasons like Brady.

I’d rather be backed over by my ciggy breath girlfriend than have friends that play fight with me after a few beers.

Someone please give Jennifer Connelly a meatball sub. Or two.

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be every day of the year?

Red Line Reminder: May 18-19 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Braintree due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass.

Drew Bledsoe parks his car diagonally across four parking spaces at the supermarket.

Celtics are lucky Okoro can’t score-o. He has to be 0 for his last 15.

Leah Hextall. Naughty.

Hey Ken, find the dog food that I ordered on Amazon two weeks ago, loser. Yaaaaaa!

Spike Lee still alive? What a cvnt.

Drew Bledsoe’s sheared artery was the first time we learned he had heart.

Imagine being Turtleboy’s lawyer. After a while, you must be like, “Why are you such an asshole?”

Is Zack Cox trespassing?

The mute button loves PK Subban.

You don’t need to use the search bar Ma; the page you’re looking for is already open in a tab. Cursor up. Up. Up! No, don’t scroll down! Up! You see the tabs up top? right in the middle! Click there!

Drew Bledsoe would be friends with Shooter McGavin.

A: the1987 Los Angeles Lakers.

The fact there are Red Lobster restaurants in Connecticut is a point for the ‘CT isn’t really part of New England’ side of the argument.

If you’re looking for a catchy tune with a funky beat, you could do much worse than Shalamar.

When did Court TV get so bad/cheesy?

Honk if you’ve eaten at The Weathervane/Lobster in the Rough.

Kelsey Plum forgot her blouse!

Drew still using the roast from over a week ago as an excuse to keep insulting Tom kinda makes him look like the asshole we all know him to be.

And you may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”
And you may ask yourself, “Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house.”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground.
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone.
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

Radar guns have changed. There is no way that all these pitchers hit 100mph so consistently. No one threw it faster than Nolan Ryan but now every middle-reliever does? Impossible.

Dallas’s NHL team should have been named the Lone Stars.

UConn is a baseball school.

Can you really cry while giving a speech about the loss of masculinity? Asking for an idiot kicker.

Who’s the Florida Panthers diving coach, Thornton Mellon? Bravo.

Statistics that other people research and post should get acknowledged or attributed to them if they are used, not just stolen. It’s a lousy thing to do.

Drew Bledsoe got traded to another team in the division.

Red Lobster got Frying Dutchman’d with its ultimate endless shrimp promotion. Arrrrr!

Welcome to the big leagues, Caitlin Clark.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Mystik Dan. Sorrey!

Boston cop physiognomy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, but nothing from Mark Farinella, don’t you worry your pretty little head, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The second time around. Ooh, the second time is so much better, baby.

BdlG at the WHCD.

5/8/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Plain B(lack) Hat. He’s back.

Shertenlieb to WZLX? Our short, regional nightmare is finally over. But will the wacky bits work sandwiched between Meatloaf and Molly Hatchet? Enjoy obscurity.

You all want Tatum to be a point guard. Don’t @ me.

Mmmm, meatloaf sandwich.

Upton Bell was still working in football the last time the Knicks won a title.

Boy that Gorman “goodnight,” huh? That’s one you don’t forget.

Watching Lohrei handle the puck immediately after Wotherspoon is hilarious. It’s like they play different sports.

Why are the refs so deferential to Denver? It makes zero sense.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Glitter, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Alex Van Halen, Bill Cowher, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Melissa Gilbert, Omar Camporese, Hiromi Arakawa, Enrique Iglesias, Jussi Markkanen, Joe Bonnamassa, John Maine, Adrian Gonzalez, Kemba Walker, and Olivia Culpo.

Kobe anally raped a woman, but Pat Bev was mean to the middle-aged lady. He should leave.

The Mets are like the lottery one day you win big and the next day you lose a lot.

Jalen Brunson looks like Abby Chin without makeup.

They fired the reigning In Season Tournament winning coach? Odd. And sad.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Are you going to spend vacation watching a trial on your phone?”

Macklin Celebrini? That’s not a hockey player name, that’s the name of an advertising agency.

It’s free to subscribe to Pat Bev’s podcast. That lady was just being difficult.

What do people even do with bookmarks?

Tatum is gonna have to take over one of these times and steal us a game. Or perhaps even steal us a series. Or neither, seeing as basketball is a team sport.

How much at auction would Darren pay for ‘genuine human emotions?’

Carlo has a kid – flies in late, plays, scores. Rudy Gobert has a kid- smokes weed, goes on the ‘Gram, misses game(s).

Hope Keith Foulke is happy that he lost a fan!

Red Line Reminder: May 11-12 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and North Quincy due to bridge and track work. Regular Red Line service will operate between Ashmont and JFK/UMass during this work.

Jamal Murray looks like an extra in Raid on Entebbe.

Carl Yastrzemski. I stood next to him once at a store. There were a handful of men there. None of us spoke to him, though he gave me a head nod. I know he is a man and yet somehow, we all knew that he is more than that. He quietly disappeared from the store as if he was an apparition.

The Indianapolis Star’s Gregg Doyel is in the middle of a two-week suspension after the Caitlin Clark press-conference controversy. He will not cover any Fever games live this summer.

Shukri must be the Philly equivalent of Charlie on the MTA. All abroad!

Pitchbots are a stain on the beautiful troll community.

My kid just walked into the room. Sees Leafs vs. Bruins warming up on TV. “What? It’s boy’s hockey” with full indignation. “Why isn’t there girl’s hockey on?” She’s 5 and will never know a world where we can’t just turn our TV on and see pro women’s hockey players, and I love it.

Why does Kenny Smith need to have a video if all he’s doing is counting to 12?

Friends say it’s fine, friends say it’s good.
Everybody says it’s just like Robin Hood.
I move like a cat, talk like a rat, sting like a bee.
Babe, I’m gonna be your man.

It’s plain to see,
You were meant for me.
Yeah, I’m your boy,
Your 20th century toy.

Kendra Middleton’s peanut allergy story was lifted straight out of the film Fallen.

PWHL Boston – playoff bound.

Mutnansky is still in Monte Carlo playing baccarat with his Kentucky Derby winnings, right?

Just say you don’t know the joke. It’s OK.

If you take Aiden the Turtleboy’s place in line for the Karen Read case, he’s gonna kick you out of the Lollipop Guild.

Sears has medicine balls on sale today. Great prices.

Does interviewing Samir Suleiman satisfy the Rooney Rule the way having Brandon Hunt in for an interview does?

Honk if you remember the Dunkin coffee coolatta.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Love that there’s more outrage about Pat Beverly being mean to a reporter than there is about him beaning a woman in the crowd in the head with a basketball.

No, you did not ‘catch a stray’ during the Tom Brady Roast.

I can take 30 Minions right now and throw them in the NFL. You cannot take 30 NFL players and put them in the Minion Ice Cave. jmt

ACAB and ‘bitch clearly did it’ are not mutually exclusive thoughts.

What is it with Kennedys always losing part of their brains?

Best bet for the weekend: packed brunch spots on Mother’s Day.

WOW.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

And a happy birthday to Josie Maran, SI swimsuit model, actress and skincare & cosmetics entrepreneur.

Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer: Emergency Tom Brady Roast Edition

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“Jeff Ross is so ugly not even Mengele would operate on him.”

I hope Alex Guerrero can cure whatever cancer Jeff Ross has.

Kevin Hart, I loved him as that elf in Bad Santa. He should have tried being funny last night.

Nikki Glaser did her homework and knew the guy Gisele is fucking teaches jiu jitsu, not karate. No hill run for her.

How is Drew Bledsoe funnier than actual comedians?

What’s the deal with trans Urkel? Oh, the deal is she is actually funny. Refreshing!

“I don’t know much about football, but I did spend a night on Revis Island!”

That pair of comedians set was less funny than McNally and Jastremski.

Oh great, Ron Burgundy. This bit certainly hasn’t gotten old. Will is lost without Adam McKay.

Dana White couldn’t find two UFC fighters to sit at his table who could pass for straight? What is this, the octagon, or The Birdcage?

Did Matt Chatham make the trip, or was there a rub signing at Wegmans?

“Tom’s taking such a beating tonight; they should change his name to ‘Ted Johnson’s Wife.’”

They needed to factor in more applause time for Belichick.

The audience really didn’t like Aaron Hernandez jokes. His feelings can’t get hurt.

Some Andy Reid clock management by Gronk for his segment.

Ben Affleck’s worst performance since Phantoms.

“Tara Reed’s tits think the docs botched your face, Tom.”

The joke should have been Tom would have confessed to deflating the footballs for ten million dollars.

All the gay jokes landed because being a homo is bad. What?

Schefty doesn’t really believe Tom admitted doing IT, he is just protecting ESPN’s tarnished reputation.

“And Dana White is here, Hi Dana! There’s been a lot of jokes about my ex-wife tonight, but Dana has been happily married for 25 years. I guess the secret is you gotta slap them every once in awhile. Damn, I should have tried that.”

Even if you only read body language at a Rob Gronkowski-level, it was thuddingly obvious Bill wanted absolutely nothing to do with that toast at the podium with Bob.

Mr Kraft, he didn’t look great last night. Made Jeff Ross look like Edelman by comparison. Do they make Yeezy’s with those Joe Biden no-trip soles?

I needed like 30 more massage parlor jokes.

Assembled from the instant reactions of #the15. A regular Sports Junk Drawer will appear on its usual day.

“Kevin Mannix never got a dinner.”

5/1/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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The only Mayday we recognize here.

Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.

What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.

Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.

Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.

So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.

Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.

Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?

Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.

Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.

I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.

Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”

I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!

Are the rappers fighting again?

The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.

Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.

WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

No Bron-Bron?

What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?

Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.

Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.

Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.

Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!

We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.

“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.

I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.

The others were untrue
But when it came to lovin’ you
I’d spend my whole life with you
‘Cause you came and you took control
You touched my very soul
You always showed me that
Loving you was where it’s at
You made me so very happy
I’m so glad you came into my life.

Thank you baby.
Yeah yeah-yeah.

I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?

Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.

Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!

What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?

I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.

I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.

Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.

Genuine Merch!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.

“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.

No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.

Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.

The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.

Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.

Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!

Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.

The Aggregator Vanishes.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away. To Live and Die in L.A.

And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.

4/24/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Busy sports night tonight. And tomorrow!

So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.

Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.

Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?

You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.

In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.

Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.

You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.

Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.

Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).

Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences

Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.

Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.

The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.

So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?

The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.

Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.

High stick! Wrong thread.

Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life

Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.

A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.

Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”

If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.

One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.

You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?

Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.

Father Time Stumped The Schwab.

FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.

Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.

Memories
Light the corners of my mind.
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were.

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind.
Smiles we gave to one another,
For the way we were.

Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?

RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.

Working in sports = never not working.

You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.

Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.

Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.

Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?

Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.

Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”

If you have two black swans…

Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!

Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.

I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?

Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!

It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.

And Happy Birthday to actress Melinda Clarke.

4/17/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Happy trails, fellas.

Enjoy your last few broadcasts before retirement, Jack Edwards. May your muffin never tumble into the Chinese mustard.

Rich Keefe is jealous of Alex Cora’s job security.

Good job running, Sisay Lemma.

I heard the Be Like Mike song and commercials centered around Michael Jordan were originally meant for Mike Gorman.

Everyone’s killing Ippei the interpreter but give him this: he showed good restraint not betting on baseball.

The next time Lucchino dies Henry and Werner will try and make it.

If Norm Macdonald had been alive for everyone giving him his flowers over O.J. it would’ve put him on tilt that he couldn’t fixate on the first day of The Masters.

So, just roll out same menu from 2023 for the Masters Club Dinner next year?

Cakes are cooking for Jan Hammer, Dwane Casey, Nick Hornby, Sean Bean, Norman Esiason, Maynard James Keenan, Henry Ian Cusick, Liz Phair, Marquis Grissom, Adam McKay, Redman, Gordon Laro, Jennifer Garner, Tony Boselli, Kenneth Carlsen, Theo Ratliff, Victoria Beckham, Brad Boyes, and Rooney Mara.

Everybody’s genuine interest in WNBA salaries is duly noted.

There are the owners…and then everyone else. That’s how it works in the NFL. I never forget it.

New England’s professional soccer team fell in penalties last night.

We will all remember Blake Griffin for many reasons, but I will always admire him for his classy Big Brother mentorship on the ‘22-23 Celtics.

Blue Line Reminder: Service changes beginning today for track work. April 17-19: Shuttle Buses replace service between Maverick and Wonderland. April 20-28: Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland.

Hey gang who stans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do the roar.”

Orange Line Reminder: April 20-21 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

R.I.P. OJ. You taught me it was OK to leave a toxic relationship.

Whenever I listen to Jared Carrabis I feel like I’m listening to Ryan Reynolds. They sound the exact same.

The last thing anyone on the Karen Read did it side wants is a trial.

Hey cicadas, finish the job this time would ya? We get it. You do numbers. very cool. Now do whatever you came to do and get all the way lost. We’ve got enough to deal with.

Why can’t we not be sober?
I just want to start things over.
Why can’t we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.

I think, to complete the spirit of Jackie Robinson day, that all of the teams should be required to wear the same uniforms.

Few have ever looked as good as Andrew Garfield in The Social Network.

Cerrone Battle? This is what a March Sadness snub does to people. Motivation. Tough times make tough people.

Sylvester Stallone daughters. Whoa.

Idk if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear when a chain coffee shop is in a gas station it tastes a million times better than just a normal coffee shop.

Bob Kraft calling someone “untrustworthy” is like Ray Flynn calling someone else a drunk.

Dolphins GM Chris Grier told reporters that the team plans to pick up the fifth-year options for WR Jaylen Waddle and pass-rusher Jaelan Phillips prior to the deadline.

Honk if your PIN number is baseball related.

If this elbow in injury is the end for Daniel Bard at age 38, he is a person who pitched that I will forever respect. To go without an MLB pitch from 4/27/2013 to 7/25/2020, never surrender, throw 197 games through ’23 w/10K/9 IP with courageous dignity…well, he’s a Bard.

And let’s don’t forget Verne Lundquist. He retired too.

Me? I’m a self-diagnosed autodidact.

Did John Sterling misjudge how many games were left in the season like it’s a fly ball to center?

Free wine? You had me at hello.

Great article in The Athletic about long-overlooked research into the best way to draft in the NFL by Viking beat writer Alec Lewis.

After a magical US Open Cup run, soccer darlings El Farolito fell to the Oakland Roots in the third round.

So long, Phoenix Coyotes. Ice hockey really wasn’t a fit in the high desert. Good luck in, (checks notes) Salt Lake City?

Is a 1 PM start in basketball like an 11 AM start in baseball? Asking for a friend.

I assume NESN brought Jack into a room and played a montage of him saying ‘Jurksztowicz’ this season.

With MLB’s Herzog’s passing, there can’t be that many Whiteys left out there. RIP.

No shame in falling to Denver in the Frozen Four Championship, BC. They never lose those.

No, we can’t exchange Masataka Yoshida for a different Jap player. No substitutions!

If you had told me in early 2011 there would ever be a point I would far prefer the Jacobs Crime Family to the Kraft’s and Henry/Werner, I’d have suggested you should seek help, fuckface.

Really though, O.J. Simpson? Good riddance.

Best bet for the weekend: a few dozen more mockable mock drafts.

Bring him home.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heh heh, ‘Tool.’

BdlG. Artsy. And freckle-y.

4/10/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Mitsubishi makes Eclipses, not Honda, idiot.

Doesn’t it feel like when the Red Sox lose the home opener, the Bruins and Celtics teams also both lose later that day?

Soccer and women’s basketball are the sports of the future.

We went from Tom Brady’s psychotic devotion to winning at all costs to Dear Diary Duran. We’re fucked.

Jared Zero? That name might be a little too on the nose.

Rob Bradford’s Lou Pearlman–style relationship with the boys from the ‘Play Tessie’ podcast makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Larry didn’t win a chip in during his college years either, Caitlin.

I thought a fractured Glenoid is what happens when you dropped your vintage Whiney Award statuette.

Cakes are cooking for Don Meredith, Ken Griffey Sr, Steven Seagal, Brian Setzer, Cathy Turner, Steve Tasker, Warren DeMartini, Felicia Collins, Orlando Jones, Sue Merz, Charlie Hunnam, Maren Morris, and Daisy Ridley.

That dentist, he knows pageantry.

So the WNBA fights to be noticed more in sports and then when it’s actually being talked about, they decide to show how little they actually support A WOMAN IN BASKETBALL? Bold move.

My next article will cover all teams named after birds.

Blue Line Reminder: April 9-11 (From 8 PM to the end of service each night) Shuttle Buses replace service between Government Center and Orient Heights for track work. Additional Blue Line closures will take place from April 17-28.

Jordan Walsh looks like a guy who would own a samurai sword.

I heard someone is waiting for Wes Welker to start a podcast so he can say it’s better than Edelman’s.

Gamecocks vs Hawkeyes is great because they’re both kind of birds.

Men all over Philly to they shawty after the #earthquake : ‘Hope you doing okay after that little Earthquake. It just reminded me of how you used to shake up and rock my jawn.’

It took me a long while to admit that the best home pizza sauce is just whole peeled tomatoes put through an immersion blender with a little salt.

Great to see Miguel Sano back in baseball. It seems like there isn’t a nickname big enough for him.

Maine Celtics. Owning.

Hey gang of consonant connoisseurs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I think they film wrestling videos there.”

When on Long Island, you gotta get ready while listening to local legend Taylor Dayne.

Never played organized ball. Grew up running on the playgrounds.

I hope everyone remembered to tune their car radio to a different station after listening to the ballgame.

Certainly isn’t sundress weather today. That’s my favorite season.

Francona couldn’t stay for the opening ceremony? Well, he is due for his bimonthly hospitalization.

Honk if you remember the 1992 NHL strike.

You know what they say the darker the wiener the sweeter the…wait, what?

Damn you must have my notifications on that was quick af.

They loaned money to a guy named Zero. It’s like letting Tom Indiangiver buy you lunch.

I don’t bother chasing mice around.
I slink down the alley, looking for a fight,
Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night

Singin’ the blues while the lady cats cry;
Wild stray cat, you’re a real gone guy.
I wish I could be as carefree and wild,
But I got cat class and I got cat style.

Poor Lucy and her relieved ‘Trev Story is on the10 Day Injured List’ reaction.

Contractual agreements…how do you enforce them?

Melrose-born Tara VanDerveer. Coaching GOAT. Now she finally has time to find a husband.

MegO does not, in fact, rock.

Pretty amazing Bobby and Danny Hurley have combined for two titles.

Dougie didn’t get to catch Wakey’s kid’s first pitch? No MSP escort to Fenway this go around?

maybe retool as the ‘Dunks and Deadbeats’ podcast? Just throwing out ideas.

Well, Vrioni scored twice. Hello?

Did Robyn take down the ‘Do Your Job’ signs with the claw part of her hammer?

Rep the Commonweath well at the Frozen Four, BU and BC.

Best bet for the weekend: Bobby Dalbec once again finding his power stroke in Worcester.

You see, because…

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We’re gonna rock this town.

And Happy Birthday to singer-songwriter and actress Mandy Moore.

4/3/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Lawrence ‘Larry’ Lucchino. Former Red Sox President/CEO. Complicated legacy, and things of that nature. RIP.

Uh, Dawn Staley; Lisa Leslie? Ever heard of them? Didn’t think so. You’re welcome!

The Revs are the canary in the coal mine. All those problems at the cardboard box factory are spreading throughout Kraft’s empire.

Kim Mulkey dresses like Don Cherry’s spinster niece.

Another arena, Spectrum Center, where the upper deck fans have no shot at the t-shirt toss. #Celtics #Hornets

Opening Day should be a national holiday.

Am I the only one who wants to say Peekie to go along with Geekie? Probably. I’m an idiot.

Cakes are cooking for Jane Goodall, Wayne Newton, Tony Orlando, Alec Baldwin, Eddie Murphy, Mike Ness, Pervis Ellison, Mike Lansing, Picabo Street, Adam Scott, Koji Uehara, Leona Lewis, Amanda Bynes, and Jay Bruce.

The TV closed captioning tried to decipher ‘Flau’jae’. It looked like a Peter Gammons tweet.

Maybe Bobby Dalbec should wear a grapefruit rind under his ballcap the way Babe Ruth did a cabbage leaf?

Out: Spring peepers. In: Spring skiing.

Caitlin Clark definitely deserves the nickname Ponytail Pete, as in Maravich.

Orange Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

I just thought I would mention. . .trucks do not have DNA. Appear to be some advertisers who are confused about this.

Zach Edey must get a nice post-game work out, when the villagers chase him home with pitchforks and torches.

I was at Whole Foods (PeteCarrollStrut.gif) and saw a guy who looked EXACTLY like Hitler. Had the ‘stache and everything. My wife wouldn’t let me take a picture.

1,500 hits for Mookie. WCWGPLT?

Hey gang of Squidneck Nostradamuses! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sensing a Caleb Love takeover game.”

Rashee Rice has ‘running from the cops’ speed.

Not even sure if this food take is controversial but if you haven’t tried mixing Diet Coke with milk you’re missing out.

Brent Rooker’s walk up song is ‘Edge of Seventeen?!?’

Eddie Goldman signed with Atlanta back in 2022, retired, came back in 2023, then was done before training camp. Now, he’s back.

You’ll never guess which Peter Pan media guy is questioning why the fat kid didn’t play football instead of basketball!

Angel Reese wears more makeup during a game than Dakota from Braintree.

Red Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Ashmont & Broadway and North Quincy for bridge work & station maintenance. Express shuttles will replace Commuter Rail service between Braintree and South Station as well.

Says James, “In my opinion, there’s nothing in this world,
Beats a ’52 Vincent and a red-headed girl.
Now Nortons and Indians and Greeveses won’t do,
Ah, they don’t have a soul like a Vincent ’52.”
He reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys
He said “I’ve got no further use for these.
I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome,
Swooping down from heaven to carry me home.”
And he gave her one last kiss and died;
And he gave her his Vincent to ride.

Is there anything more baseball than John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” playing during pregame workouts on a beautiful morning at the ballpark?

Please ban the phrase “Green light special.” I’m begging them.

Shit, I somehow missed this Lou Gossett, Jr. news over the weekend. His performance as Sgt. Foley is nothing short of iconic. Absolutely mesmerizing in the role. What a legend of the industry. “Mayo-nnaise.”

Honk if you remember Janet Marie Smith.

A bit of irony in the fact that KC’s ballpark plan died the same day as Ballpark Builder Larry Lucchino. If Larry had been in charge in KC he would have had architects lined up, land purchased, and a 100-page brochure produced before he said one word about it to the public.

Bob Kraft has black friends! He does!

Smoke bombs and flares from the Club América fans at Gillette. Looked great, plus you couldn’t see, which helps watching the Revs. 4-0.

That breath we all hold when Clark’s shot is in the air..

The clock finally struck midnight on Chinderella Kadlick in Mediot Madness. Sad.

Good thing Dick Flavin went first and spared us a Lucchino poem.

Have fun getting that elusive Soupey without Diggs AND Hamlin, Buffalo.

Best bet for the weekend: Huskies & Boilermakers move on in the men’s tourney.

Eerie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The sights and sounds of London Town.

Happy Birthday to Canadian actress Cobie Smulders.
Maybe we can change the sign Thursday, Collaborative. Walk it off.

3/27/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Zacha with the game winner!

Bruins with the spirited comeback in the face of adversity against a playoff bound Florida squad. You love to see it.

Jaylen always presses during Ramadan. They’ll be fine.

“Brings a lot of energy” is what you say when someone isn’t very talented.

I’m hearing whispers the Patriots were in on Jordan Montgomery.

Imagine losing a 4-leg parlay because the team you take on the money line blows a 30-POINT lead! I might blame it on my interpreter.

Robert Kraft saying adding a daycare to Gillette is an easy fix has real George Costanza claiming credit for designing the addition to the Guggenheim Museum energy.

Cakes are cooking for Tony Banks, Bobby Lalonde, Thomas Wassberg, Andrew Farriss, Ed Pinckney, Quentin Tarantino, Randall Cunningham, Xusa, Mariah Carey, Kirby Dar Dar, Fergie, Michael Cuddyer, Manuel Neuer, Buster Posey, Brenda Song, Jessie J, Kimbra, and Lalisa.

Coach Mayo is the Lourdes of verbal crutches.

I loved the old days when we didn’t know anything about athletes except the factoids you could glean from the backs of baseball cards- “In the off-season Harmon Killebrew enjoys hunting and fishing.”

Mike Greenberg crying because the Celtics lost on his birthday makes it a good loss.

So Ohtani found his former interpreter’s actions to be, uh, inscrutable?

Malcolm Butler would not have been cuffed & stuffed in Rhode Island if Bill had traded him to Seattle.

Orange Line Update: The work for Sunday, March 31, has been cancelled. Shuttle Buses will replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles on Saturday, March 30, only.

There’s no candy more festive than an Easter bunny made of chocolate.

The NE Revolution have two Gils, which makes them amphibious.

If you put cayenne pepper in your bird feeders you won’t get squirrels and things (I know this sounds mortgage-free Western Mass as shit but it works)

Yet Boston still in more ways than one is home where my heart is.

Well you know just what you do to me.
The way you move soft and slippery.
Cut the night just like a razor.
Rarely talk and that’s the danger.

It’s the one thing.
You are my thing.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those sunglasses look like they’re made of Spanx.”

Turns out little people have a short fuse.

Hip Drop Tackle? Was that the Cherry Poppin Daddies disappointing follow-up to Zoot Suit Riot?

Unless you watch the Red Sox regularly, it is impossible to explain how funny it is to watch Rafael Devers. He’s just unconsciously funny all the time.

Kicked it on NBA Today and Malika actually wasn’t in a pants suit. Would’ve lost that bet.

Yesterday was the worst thing to happen to Francis Scott Key since Carl Lewis. I hope the missing workers are ok.

Quality Iranian nougat is phenomenal.

Mars rules sports and athletics and competition. Caitlin Clark is an Aries Mars, which checks out when you hear her talk about getting kicked out of PE class as a child for being too competitive.

Bored of the life in the city of gold
He’d left and let nobody know
Gone were the towers he had known from a child
Alone with the dream of a life
He travelled the wide open road
The blinkered arcade
In search of another to share in his life.
Nowhere
Everyone looked so strange to him.

They’ve got no horns and they’ve got no tail
They don’t even know of our existence.
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold?
That lies in the deep distance, he cried.

An awful lot had to break just right for UMass Men’s Hockey to back into the Tourney. Best of luck to them.

Honk if you remember Russell Stover premium pectin jelly beans.

How come when you ask a bartender to change the channel on the TV they look at you weird? Like, I’m asking you to press a button on a remote, not split an atom.

If you roll the ball in bounds it should be an automatic turnover.

The poor overworked WEEI Show Staff Picture graphics department.

The Red Sox; they might surprise.

Jake Rosenberg, salary cap executive and GM Howie Roseman’s longtime aide, is leaving the Philadelphia Eagles.

Oh look, Don Orsillo making a death about him.

I liked Keith Tkachuk but his kids are entitled assholes.

Mister Kraft misspoke when he said ‘girlfriend.’ He of course meant, ‘baby mama.’

Best bet for the weekend: Huskies. Not just a Toughskins size anymore.

“GREAT IDEAR, DON. THE MOUSTACHE COVERS UP A LOT, KIND OF LIKE I DID WITH MY SON JARED.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Laszlo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Drank!

And happy Birthday to actress Elizabeth Mitchell and her versatile smirk, who you might remember from ‘Lost.” Or for other reasons.

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