“Jeff Ross is so ugly not even Mengele would operate on him.”
I hope Alex Guerrero can cure whatever cancer Jeff Ross has.
Kevin Hart, I loved him as that elf in Bad Santa. He should have tried being funny last night.
Nikki Glaser did her homework and knew the guy Gisele is fucking teaches jiu jitsu, not karate. No hill run for her.
How is Drew Bledsoe funnier than actual comedians?
What’s the deal with trans Urkel? Oh, the deal is she is actually funny. Refreshing!
“I don’t know much about football, but I did spend a night on Revis Island!”
That pair of comedians set was less funny than McNally and Jastremski.
Oh great, Ron Burgundy. This bit certainly hasn’t gotten old. Will is lost without Adam McKay.
Dana White couldn’t find two UFC fighters to sit at his table who could pass for straight? What is this, the octagon, or The Birdcage?
Did Matt Chatham make the trip, or was there a rub signing at Wegmans?
“Tom’s taking such a beating tonight; they should change his name to ‘Ted Johnson’s Wife.’”
They needed to factor in more applause time for Belichick.
The audience really didn’t like Aaron Hernandez jokes. His feelings can’t get hurt.
Some Andy Reid clock management by Gronk for his segment.
Ben Affleck’s worst performance since Phantoms.
“Tara Reed’s tits think the docs botched your face, Tom.”
The joke should have been Tom would have confessed to deflating the footballs for ten million dollars.
All the gay jokes landed because being a homo is bad. What?
Schefty doesn’t really believe Tom admitted doing IT, he is just protecting ESPN’s tarnished reputation.
“And Dana White is here, Hi Dana! There’s been a lot of jokes about my ex-wife tonight, but Dana has been happily married for 25 years. I guess the secret is you gotta slap them every once in awhile. Damn, I should have tried that.”
Even if you only read body language at a Rob Gronkowski-level, it was thuddingly obvious Bill wanted absolutely nothing to do with that toast at the podium with Bob.
Mr Kraft, he didn’t look great last night. Made Jeff Ross look like Edelman by comparison. Do they make Yeezy’s with those Joe Biden no-trip soles?
I needed like 30 more massage parlor jokes.
Assembled from the instant reactions of #the15. AregularSports Junk Drawer will appear on its usual day.
Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.
What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.
Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.
Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.
So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.
Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.
Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?
Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.
Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.
I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.
Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”
I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.
Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!
Are the rappers fighting again?
The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.
Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.
WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.
No Bron-Bron?
What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?
Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.
Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.
Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.
Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!
We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.
“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.
I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.
The others were untrue But when it came to lovin’ you I’d spend my whole life with you ‘Cause you came and you took control You touched my very soul You always showed me that Loving you was where it’s at You made me so very happy I’m so glad you came into my life.
Thank you baby. Yeah yeah-yeah.
I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?
Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.
Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!
What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?
I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.
I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.
Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.
“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.
No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.
Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.
The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.
Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.
Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!
Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.
The Aggregator Vanishes.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away.To Live and Die in L.A.
And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.
So, you see, Boston is a city in the United States, which is a different country than Canada, where Toronto is located.
Robert may have yappa-yappa-yappa’d himself out of a spot in the HoF this year? You hate to see it.
Was that foul on Tatum by Martin an example of Heat Culture?
You can win a hockey game scoring only two goals, but you’re more likely to lose.
In short, go to Pittsburgh to catch a game or two. Stay at a hotel where you can walk to the park, see a few museums, stroll around. You’ll have a fine time.
Bobby Orr has looked exactly the same for forty years.
You don’t have to actually watch the Pat McAfee Show, you can follow one of those transcription services. Alex Barth, for example.
Zach Wilson getting traded to the weed capitol of the US is an absolute meme.
Pavel Zacha for Erik Haula – Sweeney’s deal with the Devil(s).
Hey Kevin Maggiore ..Bruins better win this series ..because if they don’t ..they will be consequences
Dave McCarty, he’s with La Schelle Tarver now. RIP to both.
Cakes are cooking for Shirley MacLaine, Rob Hyman, Eric Bogosian, Vince Ferragamo, Michale O’Keefe, Stuart Pearce, Cedric the Entertainer, Dino Radja, Omar Vizquel, Stacy Haiduk, Todd Jones, Ken Klee, Chipper Jones, Lee Westwood, Kelly Clarkson, and Ashleigh Barty.
The lady who plays the lead in those The Nun movies must be freaking stoked when they announce another sequel.
So Gregg Doyel made a fool of himself? What is this, 2015?
The New England Revolution strengthened their backline on Tuesday after trading for 2019 MLS Cup winner Xavier Arreaga from Seattle Sounders FC in exchange for a 2025 international roster slot and up to $75,000 in cash.
Congratulations to Tim ‘Sarge’ McKane on the permanent third banana spot middays.
High stick! Wrong thread.
Hanging off the side of a 20-story building grinding metal in the rain. This is the kind of thing I chose to get good at in life
Blue Line Reminder: Through April 28 Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland due to track work.
A lonesome death? Either multiple people beat the life out of him, or his girlfriend ran him over. Either way he was surrounded by people. And perhaps a dog.
Hello Gang of car petting baggers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “It’s stupid and frankly gross.”
If I were a goose I’d be a mute one. Honking is so embarrassing.
One other thing about Hubie Brown: anyone who has attended a Hubie basketball clinic or lecture has come away spellbound.
You think Mike Silver still thinks about kissing Wendy Peffercorn?
Rooting for the Red Sox these days is kind of like driving an old beater that you never get serviced. It runs great for a few days, and then something happens, and you have a week of borrowing your brother’s truck.
Father Time Stumped The Schwab.
FYI: Ham salad from Brentwood NH is worse than any bologna I’ve ever had. Just saying.
Instead of ‘doggos’, just say dogs. It’s shorter.
Memories Light the corners of my mind. Misty watercolor memories Of the way we were.
Scattered pictures Of the smiles we left behind. Smiles we gave to one another, For the way we were.
Ever wonder why bread can be in a plastic bag but we can’t pack groceries in plastic bags?
RIP Lawrence M. Krause III.
Working in sports = never not working.
You’ve gotta be a little nuts to be a beekeeper. There isn’t enough money in the world you could pay me to do that.
Not nearly enough people played Horizon Zero Dawn.
Honk if you remember Argeo Paul Cellucci.
Paul Bissonnette is blacker than Deuce Tatum. What?
Liz put me on to Chappell Roan and idk if it’s the ADHD but I‘ve barely listened to anyone else since.
Ryan Poles on if he’s ready to declare Caleb Williams the Bears 1st overall pick: “We know what we’re gonna do, but everyone’s gonna have to wait until Thursday.”
If you have two black swans…
Sal? Don’t worry about him. He’s living in upstate New York, with a nice, loving family on their engagement farm. Plenty of room for him to run around and cancel people!
Carb loading only sounds like fun until you actually have to do it.
I was listening to the Sox game the other night and one of the sponsors is Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee. Like, what the fuck year is this?
Best bet for the weekend: Messi-Mania!
It’s going to be great when he doesn’t play because of the turf.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. People who need people. Are the luckiest people in the world.
Enjoy your last few broadcasts before retirement, Jack Edwards. May your muffin never tumble into the Chinese mustard.
Rich Keefe is jealous of Alex Cora’s job security.
Good job running, Sisay Lemma.
I heard the Be Like Mike song and commercials centered around Michael Jordan were originally meant for Mike Gorman.
Everyone’s killing Ippei the interpreter but give him this: he showed good restraint not betting on baseball.
The next time Lucchino dies Henry and Werner will try and make it.
If Norm Macdonald had been alive for everyone giving him his flowers over O.J. it would’ve put him on tilt that he couldn’t fixate on the first day of The Masters.
So, just roll out same menu from 2023 for the Masters Club Dinner next year?
Cakes are cooking for Jan Hammer, Dwane Casey, Nick Hornby, Sean Bean, Norman Esiason, Maynard James Keenan, Henry Ian Cusick, Liz Phair, Marquis Grissom, Adam McKay, Redman, Gordon Laro, Jennifer Garner, Tony Boselli, Kenneth Carlsen, Theo Ratliff, Victoria Beckham, Brad Boyes, and Rooney Mara.
Everybody’s genuine interest in WNBA salaries is duly noted.
There are the owners…and then everyone else. That’s how it works in the NFL. I never forget it.
New England’s professional soccer team fell in penalties last night.
We will all remember Blake Griffin for many reasons, but I will always admire him for his classy Big Brother mentorship on the ‘22-23 Celtics.
Blue Line Reminder: Service changes beginning today for track work. April 17-19: Shuttle Buses replace service between Maverick and Wonderland. April 20-28: Shuttle Buses replace service between Airport and Wonderland.
Hey gang who stans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Do the roar.”
Orange Line Reminder: April 20-21 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.
R.I.P. OJ. You taught me it was OK to leave a toxic relationship.
Whenever I listen to Jared Carrabis I feel like I’m listening to Ryan Reynolds. They sound the exact same.
The last thing anyone on the Karen Read did it side wants is a trial.
Hey cicadas, finish the job this time would ya? We get it. You do numbers. very cool. Now do whatever you came to do and get all the way lost. We’ve got enough to deal with.
Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start things over. Why can’t we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want.
I think, to complete the spirit of Jackie Robinson day, that all of the teams should be required to wear the same uniforms.
Few have ever looked as good as Andrew Garfield in The Social Network.
Cerrone Battle? This is what a March Sadness snub does to people. Motivation. Tough times make tough people.
Sylvester Stallone daughters. Whoa.
Idk if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear when a chain coffee shop is in a gas station it tastes a million times better than just a normal coffee shop.
Bob Kraft calling someone “untrustworthy” is like Ray Flynn calling someone else a drunk.
Dolphins GM Chris Grier told reporters that the team plans to pick up the fifth-year options for WR Jaylen Waddle and pass-rusher Jaelan Phillips prior to the deadline.
Honk if your PIN number is baseball related.
If this elbow in injury is the end for Daniel Bard at age 38, he is a person who pitched that I will forever respect. To go without an MLB pitch from 4/27/2013 to 7/25/2020, never surrender, throw 197 games through ’23 w/10K/9 IP with courageous dignity…well, he’s a Bard.
And let’s don’t forget Verne Lundquist. He retired too.
Me? I’m a self-diagnosed autodidact.
Did John Sterling misjudge how many games were left in the season like it’s a fly ball to center?
Free wine? You had me at hello.
Great article in The Athletic about long-overlooked research into the best way to draft in the NFL by Viking beat writer Alec Lewis.
After a magical US Open Cup run, soccer darlings El Farolito fell to the Oakland Roots in the third round.
So long, Phoenix Coyotes. Ice hockey really wasn’t a fit in the high desert. Good luck in, (checks notes) Salt Lake City?
Is a 1 PM start in basketball like an 11 AM start in baseball? Asking for a friend.
I assume NESN brought Jack into a room and played a montage of him saying ‘Jurksztowicz’ this season.
With MLB’s Herzog’s passing, there can’t be that many Whiteys left out there. RIP.
No shame in falling to Denver in the Frozen Four Championship, BC. They never lose those.
No, we can’t exchange Masataka Yoshida for a different Jap player. No substitutions!
If you had told me in early 2011 there would ever be a point I would far prefer the Jacobs Crime Family to the Kraft’s and Henry/Werner, I’d have suggested you should seek help, fuckface.
Really though, O.J. Simpson? Good riddance.
Best bet for the weekend: a few dozen more mockable mock drafts.
Bring him home.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Heh heh, ‘Tool.’
Doesn’t it feel like when the Red Sox lose the home opener, the Bruins and Celtics teams also both lose later that day?
Soccer and women’s basketball are the sports of the future.
We went from Tom Brady’s psychotic devotion to winning at all costs to Dear Diary Duran. We’re fucked.
Jared Zero? That name might be a little too on the nose.
Rob Bradford’s Lou Pearlman–style relationship with the boys from the ‘Play Tessie’ podcast makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Larry didn’t win a chip in during his college years either, Caitlin.
I thought a fractured Glenoid is what happens when you dropped your vintage Whiney Award statuette.
Cakes are cooking for Don Meredith, Ken Griffey Sr, Steven Seagal, Brian Setzer, Cathy Turner, Steve Tasker, Warren DeMartini, Felicia Collins, Orlando Jones, Sue Merz, Charlie Hunnam, Maren Morris, and Daisy Ridley.
That dentist, he knows pageantry.
So the WNBA fights to be noticed more in sports and then when it’s actually being talked about, they decide to show how little they actually support A WOMAN IN BASKETBALL? Bold move.
My next article will cover all teams named after birds.
Blue Line Reminder: April 9-11 (From 8 PM to the end of service each night) Shuttle Buses replace service between Government Center and Orient Heights for track work. Additional Blue Line closures will take place from April 17-28.
Jordan Walsh looks like a guy who would own a samurai sword.
I heard someone is waiting for Wes Welker to start a podcast so he can say it’s better than Edelman’s.
Gamecocks vs Hawkeyes is great because they’re both kind of birds.
Men all over Philly to they shawty after the #earthquake : ‘Hope you doing okay after that little Earthquake. It just reminded me of how you used to shake up and rock my jawn.’
It took me a long while to admit that the best home pizza sauce is just whole peeled tomatoes put through an immersion blender with a little salt.
Great to see Miguel Sano back in baseball. It seems like there isn’t a nickname big enough for him.
Maine Celtics. Owning.
Hey gang of consonant connoisseurs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I think they film wrestling videos there.”
When on Long Island, you gotta get ready while listening to local legend Taylor Dayne.
Never played organized ball. Grew up running on the playgrounds.
I hope everyone remembered to tune their car radio to a different station after listening to the ballgame.
Certainly isn’t sundress weather today. That’s my favorite season.
Francona couldn’t stay for the opening ceremony? Well, he is due for his bimonthly hospitalization.
Honk if you remember the 1992 NHL strike.
You know what they say the darker the wiener the sweeter the…wait, what?
Damn you must have my notifications on that was quick af.
They loaned money to a guy named Zero. It’s like letting Tom Indiangiver buy you lunch.
I don’t bother chasing mice around. I slink down the alley, looking for a fight, Howling to the moonlight on a hot summer night
Singin’ the blues while the lady cats cry; Wild stray cat, you’re a real gone guy. I wish I could be as carefree and wild, But I got cat class and I got cat style.
Poor Lucy and her relieved ‘Trev Story is on the10 Day Injured List’ reaction.
Contractual agreements…how do you enforce them?
Melrose-born Tara VanDerveer. Coaching GOAT. Now she finally has time to find a husband.
MegO does not, in fact, rock.
Pretty amazing Bobby and Danny Hurley have combined for two titles.
Dougie didn’t get to catch Wakey’s kid’s first pitch? No MSP escort to Fenway this go around?
maybe retool as the ‘Dunks and Deadbeats’ podcast? Just throwing out ideas.
Well, Vrioni scored twice. Hello?
Did Robyn take down the ‘Do Your Job’ signs with the claw part of her hammer?
Rep the Commonweath well at the Frozen Four, BU and BC.
Best bet for the weekend: Bobby Dalbec once again finding his power stroke in Worcester.
You see, because…
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We’re gonna rock this town.
And Happy Birthday to singer-songwriter and actress Mandy Moore.
Lawrence ‘Larry’ Lucchino. Former Red Sox President/CEO. Complicated legacy, and things of that nature. RIP.
Uh, Dawn Staley; Lisa Leslie? Ever heard of them? Didn’t think so. You’re welcome!
The Revs are the canary in the coal mine. All those problems at the cardboard box factory are spreading throughout Kraft’s empire.
Kim Mulkey dresses like Don Cherry’s spinster niece.
Another arena, Spectrum Center, where the upper deck fans have no shot at the t-shirt toss. #Celtics #Hornets
Opening Day should be a national holiday.
Am I the only one who wants to say Peekie to go along with Geekie? Probably. I’m an idiot.
Cakes are cooking for Jane Goodall, Wayne Newton, Tony Orlando, Alec Baldwin, Eddie Murphy, Mike Ness, Pervis Ellison, Mike Lansing, Picabo Street, Adam Scott, Koji Uehara, Leona Lewis, Amanda Bynes, and Jay Bruce.
The TV closed captioning tried to decipher ‘Flau’jae’. It looked like a Peter Gammons tweet.
Maybe Bobby Dalbec should wear a grapefruit rind under his ballcap the way Babe Ruth did a cabbage leaf?
Out: Spring peepers. In: Spring skiing.
Caitlin Clark definitely deserves the nickname Ponytail Pete, as in Maravich.
Orange Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.
I just thought I would mention. . .trucks do not have DNA. Appear to be some advertisers who are confused about this.
Zach Edey must get a nice post-game work out, when the villagers chase him home with pitchforks and torches.
I was at Whole Foods (PeteCarrollStrut.gif) and saw a guy who looked EXACTLY like Hitler. Had the ‘stache and everything. My wife wouldn’t let me take a picture.
1,500 hits for Mookie. WCWGPLT?
Hey gang of Squidneck Nostradamuses! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sensing a Caleb Love takeover game.”
Rashee Rice has ‘running from the cops’ speed.
Not even sure if this food take is controversial but if you haven’t tried mixing Diet Coke with milk you’re missing out.
Brent Rooker’s walk up song is ‘Edge of Seventeen?!?’
Eddie Goldman signed with Atlanta back in 2022, retired, came back in 2023, then was done before training camp. Now, he’s back.
You’ll never guess which Peter Pan media guy is questioning why the fat kid didn’t play football instead of basketball!
Angel Reese wears more makeup during a game than Dakota from Braintree.
Red Line Reminder: April 6-7 (This Weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Broadway and Ashmont & Broadway and North Quincy for bridge work & station maintenance. Express shuttles will replace Commuter Rail service between Braintree and South Station as well.
Says James, “In my opinion, there’s nothing in this world, Beats a ’52 Vincent and a red-headed girl. Now Nortons and Indians and Greeveses won’t do, Ah, they don’t have a soul like a Vincent ’52.” He reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys He said “I’ve got no further use for these. I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome, Swooping down from heaven to carry me home.” And he gave her one last kiss and died; And he gave her his Vincent to ride.
Is there anything more baseball than John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” playing during pregame workouts on a beautiful morning at the ballpark?
Please ban the phrase “Green light special.” I’m begging them.
Shit, I somehow missed this Lou Gossett, Jr. news over the weekend. His performance as Sgt. Foley is nothing short of iconic. Absolutely mesmerizing in the role. What a legend of the industry. “Mayo-nnaise.”
Honk if you remember Janet Marie Smith.
A bit of irony in the fact that KC’s ballpark plan died the same day as Ballpark Builder Larry Lucchino. If Larry had been in charge in KC he would have had architects lined up, land purchased, and a 100-page brochure produced before he said one word about it to the public.
Bob Kraft has black friends! He does!
Smoke bombs and flares from the Club América fans at Gillette. Looked great, plus you couldn’t see, which helps watching the Revs. 4-0.
That breath we all hold when Clark’s shot is in the air..
The clock finally struck midnight on Chinderella Kadlick in Mediot Madness. Sad.
Good thing Dick Flavin went first and spared us a Lucchino poem.
Have fun getting that elusive Soupey without Diggs AND Hamlin, Buffalo.
Best bet for the weekend: Huskies & Boilermakers move on in the men’s tourney.
Eerie.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The sights and sounds of London Town.
Happy Birthday to Canadian actress Cobie Smulders.
Maybe we can change the sign Thursday, Collaborative. Walk it off.
Bruins with the spirited comeback in the face of adversity against a playoff bound Florida squad. You love to see it.
Jaylen always presses during Ramadan. They’ll be fine.
“Brings a lot of energy” is what you say when someone isn’t very talented.
I’m hearing whispers the Patriots were in on Jordan Montgomery.
Imagine losing a 4-leg parlay because the team you take on the money line blows a 30-POINT lead! I might blame it on my interpreter.
Robert Kraft saying adding a daycare to Gillette is an easy fix has real George Costanza claiming credit for designing the addition to the Guggenheim Museum energy.
Cakes are cooking for Tony Banks, Bobby Lalonde, Thomas Wassberg, Andrew Farriss, Ed Pinckney, Quentin Tarantino, Randall Cunningham, Xusa, Mariah Carey, Kirby Dar Dar, Fergie, Michael Cuddyer, Manuel Neuer, Buster Posey, Brenda Song, Jessie J, Kimbra, and Lalisa.
Coach Mayo is the Lourdes of verbal crutches.
I loved the old days when we didn’t know anything about athletes except the factoids you could glean from the backs of baseball cards- “In the off-season Harmon Killebrew enjoys hunting and fishing.”
Mike Greenberg crying because the Celtics lost on his birthday makes it a good loss.
So Ohtani found his former interpreter’s actions to be, uh, inscrutable?
Malcolm Butler would not have been cuffed & stuffed in Rhode Island if Bill had traded him to Seattle.
Orange Line Update: The work for Sunday, March 31, has been cancelled. Shuttle Buses will replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles on Saturday, March 30, only.
There’s no candy more festive than an Easter bunny made of chocolate.
The NE Revolution have two Gils, which makes them amphibious.
If you put cayenne pepper in your bird feeders you won’t get squirrels and things (I know this sounds mortgage-free Western Mass as shit but it works)
Yet Boston still in more ways than one is home where my heart is.
Well you know just what you do to me. The way you move soft and slippery. Cut the night just like a razor. Rarely talk and that’s the danger.
It’s the one thing. You are my thing.
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those sunglasses look like they’re made of Spanx.”
Turns out little people have a short fuse.
Hip Drop Tackle? Was that the Cherry Poppin Daddies disappointing follow-up to Zoot Suit Riot?
Unless you watch the Red Sox regularly, it is impossible to explain how funny it is to watch Rafael Devers. He’s just unconsciously funny all the time.
Kicked it on NBA Today and Malika actually wasn’t in a pants suit. Would’ve lost that bet.
Yesterday was the worst thing to happen to Francis Scott Key since Carl Lewis. I hope the missing workers are ok.
Quality Iranian nougat is phenomenal.
Mars rules sports and athletics and competition. Caitlin Clark is an Aries Mars, which checks out when you hear her talk about getting kicked out of PE class as a child for being too competitive.
Bored of the life in the city of gold He’d left and let nobody know Gone were the towers he had known from a child Alone with the dream of a life He travelled the wide open road The blinkered arcade In search of another to share in his life. Nowhere Everyone looked so strange to him.
They’ve got no horns and they’ve got no tail They don’t even know of our existence. Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold? That lies in the deep distance, he cried.
An awful lot had to break just right for UMass Men’s Hockey to back into the Tourney. Best of luck to them.
Honk if you remember Russell Stover premium pectin jelly beans.
How come when you ask a bartender to change the channel on the TV they look at you weird? Like, I’m asking you to press a button on a remote, not split an atom.
If you roll the ball in bounds it should be an automatic turnover.
The poor overworked WEEI Show Staff Picture graphics department.
The Red Sox; they might surprise.
Jake Rosenberg, salary cap executive and GM Howie Roseman’s longtime aide, is leaving the Philadelphia Eagles.
Oh look, Don Orsillo making a death about him.
I liked Keith Tkachuk but his kids are entitled assholes.
Mister Kraft misspoke when he said ‘girlfriend.’ He of course meant, ‘baby mama.’
Best bet for the weekend: Huskies. Not just a Toughskins size anymore.
“GREAT IDEAR, DON. THE MOUSTACHE COVERS UP A LOT, KIND OF LIKE I DID WITH MY SON JARED.”
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Laszlo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Drank!
And happy Birthday to actress Elizabeth Mitchell and her versatile smirk, who you might remember from ‘Lost.” Or for other reasons.
It’s funny because it’s more bear costume-y than a regular hat.
I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.
The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.
Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.
You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.
Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’
Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.
What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?
Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.
Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.
Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)
Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.
Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.
Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.
Sweet potatoes are so yummy.
Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.
A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.
That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.
311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.
Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”
I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.
The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.
Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?
Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.
Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.
Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?
I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.
We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’
Tapas, yum.
Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.
Could we have kippers for breakfast? Mummy dear, Mummy dear? They got to have ’em in Texas, ‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.
I’m a winner, I’m a sinner; Do you want my autograph? I’m a loser, what a joker, I’m playing my jokes upon you, While there’s nothin’ better to do… Hey!
My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?
Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!
Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.
Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.
Honk if you remember Hason Graham.
My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.
Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?
College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.
Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.
A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.
We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.
I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.
Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.
Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.
Hey, Ho! Let’s go!
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!
And Happy Birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Plíšková.
I don’t care that it’s spring training. Listening to Joe Castiglione call Red Sox games, after all these years, is still such a treat.
Does it feel like the Celtics have won 51 games, Tone?
Patriots were in on everyone. Full throttle to the cash incinerator!
All right Bruins, get healthy…Now!
Bill the GM could have re-upped all Bill the Coach’s players just as easily as Mayo and WolfPacker Way just did.
Deadspin. Dead again. Riddance.
Cakes are cooking for Neil Sedaka, William H. Macy, Dana Delaney, Kathy Hilton, Adam Clayton, Will Clark, Curtis Conway, Trent Dilfer, Johan Santana, Caron Butler, Marco Andretti, P.K. Subban, and Coco Gauff.
Oscars have to be the Super Bowl for Twitter.
Xavier and Butler with a classic throwback Big East game to usher in the most iconic tournament in the world. Throw out the records when these longtime rivals meet.
Allium and tulips emerging. And coffee.
Jaguar JAG Jones?
Ryan Gosling ain’t no Sinatra that’s for sure. Go put on some Abercrombie and Fitch pretty boy.
West Newbury is just Amesbury without a sledding hill.
Rupert Murdoch singing Robert’s praises in The Dynasty? Was Roy Cohn unavailable?
Hey gang of sofa scouting tape grinders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hey man, is everything okay? I feel like your posts are really negative and mocking without much of an attempt at sincere dialogue. Maybe I’m mistaken, but I’d genuinely like to know if there’s any way I can help.”
As the focus shifts from free agency to Pro Days…
The Vegas Golden Knights consistently operate like there is a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth. Good player available? Might as well trade for them because we’re all gonna be dead in a couple months anyway.
Malcolm; Go! Go and file your retirement papers. Thank you for your service.
My bizzle: ‘Say’ broke his news here.
Orange Line Reminder: March 18-21: No Train service between Jackson Square & North Station for track work. Use Buses between Jackson Square & Back Bay/Copley. Use Green Line between Copley & North Station. Commuter Rail will be free to ride from Forest Hills to South Station.
What’s the cap hit for your QB running off to pretend to run for VP for a few months?
DeVante Parker’s visor swag was off the charts.
The way this is going Saquon ain’t never gotta buy a Philly Cheesesteak at any jawn in Philly ever.
Patriots have a Chumbawumba and a Takitaki now?
Derrick Henry + Keaton Mitchell is the thunderest + lightneingest thunder and lightning pairing one could conceive of.
When I was young I never needed anyone And makin’ love was just for fun Those days are gone
Livin’ alone I think of all the friends I’ve known When I dial the telephone Nobody’s home
All by myself, don’t wanna be All by myself anymore All by myself, don’t wanna live All by myself anymore.
So Emma Stone won another Oscar for a Frankenhooker/Rochelle, Rochelle mash-up? Okay.
A: ‘Smilin Sam from Alabam.’
Can Robert use AirKraft One to deliver surplus Mac Jones jerseys to Haiti? They may want some Papa Gino’s as well.
Honk if you remember Floyd Patterson.
You can tell the big East tournament is such a big deal with how much everybody tries to convince you of it
Jacksonville is a dumb person’s idea of a nice place to live.
Can Aaron Hernandez’s child still utilize the family room at Gillette? Oh, wait Kraft didn’t provide one.
Who is Mike Kadlick?
Yesterday was the anniversary of Bird scoring 60 against Atlanta in a neutral site game. The NBA must have the full footage of that game under lock and key too, right?
Promises were made of the fireworks variety.
Hard to figure who all these poor sports on Kim Mulkey’s LSU squad are learning it from.
RDJ should have bitch-slapped Jimmy Kimmel.
Missing out on signing the spectacularly meh Calvin Ridley wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
Best bet for the weekend: The Boston Globe continuing its hard pivot from the Baseball Paper to the Football Paper.
A sad farewell to Boston Herald columnist Joe Fitzgerald. We will continue to cook and not bake birthday cakes in his honor.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One look at you and I can’t disguise.
Caitlin NMI Clark. Now the all-time leading college basketball scorer. And she did it with a foul shot. Fundamentals!
I’m trying to convince myself that was a scheduled loss for the Celtics, but it feels like a regular loss.
Are the Bruins back on that Overtime foolishness again? I thought we cleared that up last month!
Red Sox might consider just painting BOSTON on the bottom of the AL East standings part of the Green Monster scoreboard. Save an employee some time fiddling with the signs.
I have no worries about the draft. After receiving a few hours of training at the insurance company, Coach Jerod has created a four tab spreadsheet for the draft. He’ll share it with the friendly media at the next beer summit of forgiveness.
Caitlin Clark is going to play for some Panini team in Italy? Weird.
Cakes are cooking for Marion Barry, Ivan Boesky, Cookie Rojas, Kiri Te Kanawa, Hugh Grundy, Martin Kove, Richard Noble, Kiki Dee, Rob Reiner, Eddie Deezen, Tom Arnold, Sleepy Floyd, Carla McGhee, Moira Kelly, Shaquille O’Neal, Greg Ostertag, Ken Anderson, Erik Bedard, and Tyler, the Creator.
How was Episode 5 of The Dynasty not titled ‘Do You Have Any Cassels?’
The way Stilgar was talking about Paul is basically the way Nick Wright talks about LeBron.
Hey gang of engagement farmers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Every time I look at this bitch, I expect her to start belting out ‘Under the Bridge’.”
A UCL injury for Giolito? Can’t eat innings with one of those. It’s like a busted jaw.
You know, sometimes, imposter syndrome is correct.
Little known fact: Tommy Lister’s famous character Deebo is based off a story Ice Cube heard about a man named ‘Bill the G.’
Is there any available wall space that the Japanese don’t advertise on?
What do you mean there was no three-point shot when Pete Maravich played? This changes everything.
What’s your favorite album with a hidden track over 3 minutes and 32 seconds after the final track?
I believe that Jeff Howe believes he’s fighting a courageous battle.
Orange Line Reminder: March 9-10 (This weekend) Shuttle Buses replace service between Forest Hills and Ruggles for signal work. Commuter Rail service will be free to ride between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.
Does Bill Simmons think Doncic is Serbian?
Hard to think of a family that has had more bad luck of late than the Wakefields. Thoughts to Trevor and Brianna, who are left to go on without their mother and father far too soon.
The O.J. Simpson case was covered by great crime writers like Dominick Dunne and James Ellroy. The Read case has autistic freaks and unemployable delinquents. Just a murderers’ row of ‘tards.
One Kelce down. One to go.
Mark Dondero is worried that the Celtics might lose one out of every 12 games in the playoffs.
It’s the time of the season When love runs high In this time, give it to me easy And let me try with pleasured hands
To take you in the sun To promised lands To show you every one It’s the time of the season for loving
What’s your name? (What’s your name?) Who’s your daddy? (Who’s your daddy?) (He rich) is he rich like me? Has he taken (has he taken) Any time (any time) (To show) to show you what you need to live?
Tell it to me slowly Tell you what I really want to know It’s the time of the season for loving.
For the record, I think kombucha tastes absolutely terrible. Unless it makes me immortal, I don’t think I’m going out of my way to drink it again.
With Matthew Slater retiring, it looks like Jabrill Peppers is the new fan favorite of the returning group. A great choice.
Get your servers in order, men of DraftKings.
Jordan Montgomery is now widely believed to be wearing on the last nerve.
Honk if you miss Jimmy Orthwein.
Watched May December last night. That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Movie is just empty, has nothing to say, no insight into its characters, no action. BAD.
Wait another ten years and Bill Simmons will know about gas station kratom!
A: Scissors, duct tape, elastics.
Is it me or Pizza Hut isn’t as good as it used to be? Like it’s alright but I feel like it’s not as good as it was.
That Sydney Sweeney has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps two.
The two most famous Mickey’s in America are Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle.
No, Ryan Mallet was decidedly unavailable.
Do you know what Kate Middleton did the last 14 years of her life? Counterintelligence. Kate’s gone. There is no Kate.
Hearing from multiple sources that some trades may happen on trade deadline week.
Blitzing my way through the Apple TV shows after signing on for The Dynasty, and those twunts on Ted Lasso and Slow Horses say twat all wrong!
Back-to-back threes put the Celtics back in control versus Golden State. Bob Ryan must have hated that.
Have fun in Mid-America, UMass. Or something.
Did they dedicate a picnic table to John and Gerry down to Spring Training?
Congratulations to Captain Brian.
Rigor Mort?
Best bet for the weekend: YOU forgetting to set your clock ahead.
Mix it up with The15’s elite Elk Cavalry at your peril.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend BBtL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Handle with care, the digital ink is still wet on this edition.
And happy birthday to actress Connie Britton, of Spin City, Friday Night Lights, and Nashville fame.
The 15 