Author Archives: bootlegbarnicle

Football Cat’s Week 4 NFL Picks ’24

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Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Saints at Falcons (-2.5)
When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.

Rams at Bears (-3)
LA wins the Second City Bowl.

Not the Hollywood hills. Probably.

Vikings at Packers (-2.5)
The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.

Steelers (-2) at Colts
Go Horse.

Go Horse!!!

Broncos at Jets (-7.5)
New York nixes Nix

Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers
American birds soar over soggy field conditions.

Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers
Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.

Achtung: Panzer!

Jaguars at Texans (-6)
Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.

Zzzzz

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5)
Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.

Patriots at 49ers (-10)
Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.

Browns at Raiders (-2)
Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.

TCB.

Chiefs (-7) at Chargers
Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.

Wait, what?

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bills at Ravens (-2.5)
Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.

MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME
Titans at Dolphins (-1)
Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.

Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Seahawks at Lions (-3.5)
Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Bonus MV Cat content.

Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks ’24

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Mistakes were made.

Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Giants at Browns (-6.5)
If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.

Bears at Colts (-1.5)
Colts clobber Caleb.

Alliteration! Awesome!

Texans (-2) at Vikings
Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.

Eagles at Saints (-2.5)
American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.

Chargers at Steelers (-1.5)
One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.

French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!

Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.

Packers at Titans (-2.5)
Pack men gobble up tits.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Panthers at Raiders (-5)
Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!

firework noises!

Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5)
Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.

Lions (-3) at Cardinals
Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.

Ravens (-1) at Cowboys
Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.

49ers (-6.5) at Rams
Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Chiefs (-3) at Falcons
Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.

MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME
Jaguars at Bills (-5)
Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.

WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???

MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL

Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)

Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks ’24

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Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?

I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings

Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.

ZZap!

Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.

Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.

Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.

Cheshire Cat grin

Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.

Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.

Rrrowwl

Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.

Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.

Caw

Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.

Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.

Me heap big appropriate your culture!

Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.

MONDAY PROWLTIME
Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!

You, uh, you white meat or dark meat?

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 1 NFL Picks ’24

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Football Cat is back. And not in pog form, losers.

FRIDAY PROWLTIME (bonus)

Packers vs Eagles (-2.5)

American Birds win by default after Corinthians’ ultras hijack the Meat Men’s team bus.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Steelers vs Falcons (-3.5) The Birds of Prey better start praying. The Men of Steel pull off the upset.

Patriots vs Bengals (-6.5) Stripey Cats win in a laugher. Boston beat writers look the other way when offered an extra slice of cold Papa Gino’s pizza and a room temperature Bud Light.

Needs a neon North Star*.

Cardinal vs Bills (-6.5) Red Birds get stampeded by Hairy Cows. Let’s feast on their tasty wings.

Titans vs Bears (-4.5) As stated so eloquently last season: “Tits may be ass.”

Anne Francis, her TV character Honey West had a pet ocelot.

Jaguars vs Dolphins (-3.5) Spotty Cats feast on the Tua Fish.

Jaguars can swim.

Texans (-3) vs Colts Houston will not have a problem.

Panthers vs Saints (-4) To quote Shukri Wright(s) “if you think Carolina is going to win the division, I have a can of corn to sell you!”

Vikings (-1.5) vs Giants Bill Belichick’s dream job may be closer than it appears. Giants lose.

We journey to Jotunheim to battle the frost giants!

DINNER TIME

Raiders vs Chargers (-3) Brother Jim’s charges zap Tom Brady’s Raiders.

Cowboys vs Browns (-2.5) In Enid Blyton’s “Book of Brownies”, a mischievous trio of brownies named Hop, Skip, and Jump attempt to sneak into a party hosted by the King of Fairyland by pretending to be Twirly-Whirly, the Great Conjuror from the Land of Tiddlywinks, and his two assistants.

Dallas prevails.

Broncos vs Seahawks (-6) The False Seabirds win the Russell Wilson Memorial Classic.

Commanders vs Buccaneers (-3.5) Commies keep pace with Patriots in the battle for the first overall pick on the 2025 NFL draft.

OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams vs Lions (-3.5) Big Cats feast on juicy mutton kneecaps. Fetlocks? Lamb hocks?

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Jets vs 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors take down Planes. Achilles tendons may be intact, but hearts are broken throughout Queens.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Ocelots of luck, bettors!